Chapter 20
James is no good. James is bad for me, for my mental health, my physical health, my everything. I let
him fool me, I let myself believe that he cared for me. Thinking about it makes me furious with myself.
How could I let him in? How could I kiss him andy in bed with him? For all I know, he could have
strangled me in my sleep. He could have contemted suffocating me with the pillow heid his head
on.
How could he hurt me again? How could I let him?
James was never going to bring me back and love me like I let myself believe. I want to yell at him and
never see him again at the same time. He''s embarrassed me in front of my Alpha, gave me hope when
there was none, and has the guts toy in my bed with me, knowing that everything he''s been feeding
me is lies. He is a monster. He is cruel and maniptive.
After fleeing the pack house like an idiot, I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring my mother''s
questions and abandoning my ns with Noah. For hours I have been in here, and for hours I n to
stay.
What will I do the next time hees? Get Alpha Waters? Hide? Confront him in a rage of fury like I so
badly want to do? He''s probably been sleeping with her, on top of this. She''s probably wearing my
pajama shirt just so he can imagine the scenting from her, and here I''ve been, waiting like a fool.
Here I''ve been, staring out my window, naive and optimistic, waiting for him to emerge from the trees
every night.
"Rae?" My mother softly calls from the other side of my door along with knocking. "Didn''t you have
ns with Noah today? Do you want me to tell him you don''t feel well? Do you want me to
reschedule?"
I don''t answer. I haven''t answered thest two times either.
"Oh, Rae, will you just tell me what happened? Unlock the door so we can talk."
"You don''t understand," I murmur, not wanting to hear her say ''I told you so.''
"Honey, what happened? Is it Noah? Did he do something?"
I roll over in bed, constantly hot-headed with her. "No, mom. It''s not Noah. Nothing is about Noah!"
My mother sighs, jiggling the handle. "You''re an adult, act like one and open the door. You''re not
sixteen anymore, you can''t cry all day in your room and hate everyone."
I can feel my mother growing impatient. "Please just leave me alone. Please go."
"Rae, open this door right—"
"I''m not letting you in, so just leave me," I cry out.
She hits the door. "Fine. Cry. Be d you''re not a Luna because they don''t act like this. They aren''t
babied by their mother''s, they don''t lock themselves away. You wouldn''t have made even a decent
Luna!"
Her footsteps grow quiet.
* * *
December 29th, 1991
James has agreed to try for another baby in the new year. I am excited for the possibility of a new life,
another chance, but frightened by the possibility of losing another baby to her. She watches over me
like a tyrant, ready to swipe.
Things will be better in the new year, I can feel it. With the new year wille a new diary and it will be
filled with happiness, unlike this one. That will be my promise to myself, to write only of happy things.
Hopefully, the journey of my pregnancy will be written in it, all the wonderful aches, emotions,
sensations—
A sudden knock at my door pulls me away. Expecting it to be my mother, I groan, but it''s not.
"Rae? It''s Noah. Your mother asked me toe by."
Feeling betrayed and exposed, I shut the diary and panic. "Uh—What?"
"She asked if I would talk to you. She said you''re upset," he says through the door.
I swiftly shove the diary under my bed and sit up amongst my pillows, not knowing what to do. "Well,
right now''s not a good time. I''m actually—"
"She said it''s about your mate. I thought maybe I could help."
I bite my tongue before climbing off of my bed and opening the door. Noah hesitates beforeing in,
not knowing if he should cross the line into my private ce. He stares for a moment at my bed, my
messy sheets and thrown pillows forming a mountain range. I clear my throat, keeping the door open.
"I don''t know what she told you, but nothing happened with my mate."
Noah turns to me. "You don''t have to lie to me, Rae. It''s not like I''m above you. My mates dead,
remember?"
"I''m not lying."
He gives me a look, and I''m sure I''ve never seen it before. "Why are you scared of people knowing the
truth? So what, you and you''re Mate didn''t work out, what''s the big deal? No one is going to judge you,
not here, not me."
"It''s not like that. It''s not that simple."
"Then exin so I can understand."
I cross my arms and lean against the wall. "I can''t. Some things just can''t be said."
"Then tell me the things that can be."
I sit down with Noah on the edge of my bed, oddly simr to how James and I were. He listens closely
as I share what I can. "He didn''t want a Mate. His father told him never to ept one, so when I came
along, he was cold to me. He hardly spoke to me. He said rude things when he did. He was with this
other girl when I was in the house at night. It was just terrible, and I thought that I could never forgive
him, but I tried to. We had a few progressive conversations, and I was willing to try with him. I wanted
to trust him after he''s lied to me," I exin, "but I found out he''s lied again."
Noah sighs. "It sounds like a cycle to me. He''s just going to keep lying to you, Rae. And even after all
he''s done before, you still wanted to be with him? You never tried to reject him?"
"I couldn''t bring myself to reject him," I lie. "He just—he sucks me back in. It''s the bond, it''s his face, his
voice, everything. When we''re apart, it hurts. All I want is to see him."
"It''s because of the bond, because you haven''t broken it. You have to reject him."
My eyes wander down to my hands as they sit on myp. "I know, but I don''t want to. Is that bad? Does
that make me weak? Pathetic? Am I pathetic? Some part of me believes in him, that he wants the best
for me. What if he''s just making mistakes to protect me? What if the lies are for my own good?"
Noah shakes his head. "Rtionships aren''t built off of lies. How could you trust him? You couldn''t. You
deserve better than that."
I stay quiet.
Noah reaches out and takes my hand in his, and it doesn''t feel right. I know it''s not right because he''s
not trying to be my friend.
I look up at him when he moves closer, not sure what he''s trying to do. When his foreign lips abruptly
touch mine, I pull back. My eyes stray away from his flushed face, and I immediately stand up from my
bed, stepping to the side. "Uh—I don''t. I don''t think you—"
"Rae, I—"
"We''re friends, Noah," I say firmly. "That''s what I first told you. I can''t be with someone else—"
"I know," he cuts me off, "I''m sorry. I shouldn''t have done that. I crossed the line. I just—I''m good for
you, Rae. And from what you''ve told me, he''s not. You deserve better than him."
Overwhelmed, I struggle to speak. "I-I think you should go."
"Who is he? Who is this guy? Why can''t you see that he''s toxic? You''re a good person. You deserve
someone good in return."
"Noah, you should go."
"You have to reject him."
Annoyed, I spill, "I can''t reject him, okay? I can''t reject him."
"Why not? You''re only holding yourself back."
"Because he''s an Alpha, Noah. I can''t reject an Alpha."
Noah''s face shifts to something nk. "What?"
"My Mate is an Alpha."
There is a moment of silence between us before I notice something of a smile appearing on his face.
Confused, I don''t know what to say. Then the smile grows and his entire appearance reeks of
amusement. "Come on, Rae. You don''t have to lie just because you don''t wanna reject him."
All my insides seem to fall. "What?"
"You don''t have to lie that you''re mated to an Alpha, okay? I can understand if you don''t want to reject
him."
"I-I''m not lying. It''s Alpha Grant."
Noah pulls a sad face to cover his threateningughs. "I told you, you can be honest with me. If you''re
not ready to end things now, that''s fine. You can wait until you''re—"
"Get out."
"Oh, Rae, you don''t have to get defensive."
"Noah, get the hell out of my house."
Now he seems to snap back to life. "Woah. I didn''t mean to upset you."
"Upset me? What? Am I not pretty enough to be mated to an Alpha? It''s so unbelievable that it''s funny?
You''re an ass, Noah. You all are. Alpha or not. Get out of my house and nevere here again."
Noah shrinks down and slips out the door. When he looks back, I shut it in his face, hoping to never
see him again. Once his footsteps have faded into nothing, I slide down against my door, feeling terribly
alone in this world.
He was right about James, and I can''t help but wonder if he was right about the other thing as well.
Maybe I''m not pretty enough to be mated to an Alpha, but I don''t want to be her again, I don''t want to
turn into my sixteen-year-old self. I don''t want to fear a life alone or get caught in a cycle of lies. I don''t
want to cry because James doesn''t want me, and Noah finds me just good enough to spend time with,
and my mother thinks I''d make a terrible Luna, and my world seems to be a dead end. I don''t want to
cry anymore.
I''ve been sad for so long. I''m tired of being sad. It''s exhausting.
I should have seen thising with Noah. I know his type, I know what he wants. I was just good
enough to be with, for him. I was the best of a bad situation. My being mated to an Alpha was a joke.
He''s one of them, one of those people that I''ll never understand.
Noah will find someone else. He''s pretty enough, he''s charming enough, he knows how to get his foot
in the door. I''m not worried about him, and I''m sure he''s not worried about me.
It only takes two minutes for my mother toe knocking at my door, asking why Noah left so soon
Content ? N?velDrama.Org.
without saying a word. I tell her I don''t know why he left. I tell her that I think it''s because we weren''t a
good fit. We wouldn''t have made good friends. He was just someone to talk to, someone to share my
secret with. It''s safe with him because he doesn''t believe it. I''m d he doesn''t believe it now. I hope
he pity''s me. Maybe my story is too depressing to share with friends for a goodugh.
James will be here in four days.
Right now I need to focus on that. I need to think about what I''m going to say.