《Too Beautiful for the Alpha》


 Chapter 1 Chapter 1

    Chapter 1


    When I was younger, I convinced myself that I would never have a Mate. Maybe it was for dumb


    reasons like, my face is full of pimples, or my legs are too fat, or my hair is dry and not as soft and


    shiny as hers. In my young mind, I believed no guy would want me because at the time I didn''t possess


    such traits. It is a stupid thing to believe¡ªthat I am too ugly for a Mate¡ªbut the thought grasped onto


    me for years. The thought brought me to tears while I sat in my bathtub, only in the tub so no one could


    hear me. All in all, I was depressed.


    Me, a sixteen-year-old werewolf at the time, was depressed because of my physical appearance. I


    mean, werewolves are supposed to be beautiful right? wless skin, vibrant hair, lushes lips, soothing


    voice, perfect body, a list of traits that surrounded me, yet traits I didn''t have. All of the girls my age


    were beautiful, and I was the ugly duckling.


    "Don''t worry, you''ll grow into your ears," my mother would tell me, pushing my dull, knotted brown hair


    over them.


    "Don''t worry, I''m sure your breasts wille, you''re just ate bloomer," she''d say.


    "Your feet aren''t too small."


    "Your face will clear up."


    "Having brown eyes is lovely, people want brown eyes like yours, Rae."


    I''d stare up at her and think about all the lies she''s told me. Will I really grow into my ears? No. They''ll


    always be a little too big, and they still are three yearster.


    My mother was a beautiful woman, and a beautiful wolf too. She looked more like one of the other girl''s


    mothers than mine. She could have been an Alphas Mate, that''s how perfect she was. Only the most


    beautiful girls are mated with an Alpha. Sadly¡ªin my theory¡ªI wouldn''t get a Mate at all.


    At first, the thought made me depressed, but as the years went by, it made me feel free. As the other


    girls prepared for gatherings¡ªones where packs would get together in search of their Mate¡ªI would sit


    at home and argue with my mother.


    "I don''t have a mate, mom!"


    She''d cross her arms. "That''s ridiculous, Rae."


    "It''s not. I can feel it. I don''t have a mate; it doesn''t matter if I go. It''ll be a waste of time."


    "Stop that. Now get on the dress and let''s get going. You''re going to bete!"


    That year I actually attended one. I wore a purple dress and sat in the corner all night while four girls


    my age found their mates. One was a Beta. A Beta! It was understandable; she was a pretty girl.


    I sat in the corner, ying judge, judging everyone and their mates, their dancing, their dresses. Sure, I


    found it easier to ept that I''d never find a Mate, but part of me was still jealous.


    This year, my fourth year of the gatherings, I n on not attending again. I''ve only been once, when I


    was seventeen, so I''d like to spare myself from that pain. My mother doesn''t seem to mind after that


    one time. Maybe she has begun to believe my theory too.


    There is a knock on my bedroom door, and I call my mother in. She''s carrying a folded piece of golden


    cloth, and I already know what it is. A dress. "We''ve been through this before," I mutter and look away


    from her, back down at my book as Iy sprawled out on my bed.


    "Rae, I really think you should go this year. You didn''tst year, so maybe¡ª"


    I shut my book and tiredly peer up. "Mom. I know you want me to go, but there''s no point. I have no


    mate," I repeat what I have said the years before.


    "Everyone has a mate."


    "That''s impossible. What if there''s one more girl werewolf than there are guys? What if I''m that one?"


    My mother drops the dress on my bed. "You''re not that one. My daughter has a Mate. Now I''ve let you


    your age are excited by parties and the idea of mates. So put on the dress and be downstairs in twenty


    minutes before I call a guard and have them drag you out."


    I sit up swiftly. "A guard can''t do that!"


    She begins to walk out the door. "They will now!" Then she shuts it behind her.


    I groan and flop back down. I have the urge to yell back, I don''t have a mate, but instead, I whine and


    dramatically put on the damn dress. It''s gold and silky and girly, and something one of the pretty girls


    would wear. A girl like me should not wear this dress as the bust area clearly requires more bust. How


    embarrassing. Now everyone at the gathering will know that Rae East has small breasts, not that they


    couldn''t have figured it out.


    When I saunter downstairs, my mother hurries me out the door after handing me a pair of her shorter


    high heels. I take them with a look of disgust.


    "It''s at the usual ce, so don''t try and lie saying you got lost or couldn''t find it," my mother calls as I


    wander away from the house, then she shuts the door, likely locking me out.


    Here I am, walking to the gathering when I expected to be reading for the entire night until I pass out


    and drool onto the pages. My normal Saturday nights in the pack. It''s nothing exciting like sneaking off


    packnd or secretly meeting up with a guy who is not my mate, stuff the other girls do. Half of them


    have lost their virginity long ways back, dropped it in the woods against a tree or something.


    These thoughts make me less jealous of them.


    I follow the path and wobble a few times, stumbling on a rock. Social interaction is not my specialty, so


    when I hear voicesing at me, I rush into the trees and hide. With my chest rising and falling


    quickly, I peek out to watch.


    Arge group of men appear in the distance, and as they walk closer, I notice one to be my Alpha. My


    heart clenches at the sight of him. I have met the Alpha once before, and I was awkward as usual. He


    probably wouldn''t remember me if he saw me. Alphas are busy I suppose, they meet a lot of people,


    and it must be impossible to remember such an insignificant face as mine.


    I lean forward to get a better view of who he''s with, and I notice one person to be the Luna, and I lean a


    little further, and my foot gets caught on a tree root, and I w at the bark to catch myself, and I slowly


    fall to my knees, and the groupes to a halt. I freeze.


    They scan the trees until the Luna''s eyes fall upon me, somewhat hidden behind a low bush. "Hello?"


    She calls out. "Who''s there?"


    I bite the inside of my cheek and get up, dirt coating my palms and sprinkled on my dress. "Sorry," I say


    nervously. "I thought I saw something out further, but I tripped and. . . Well, sorry if I scared you. I''m just


    on my way to the¡ª"


    "The gathering for the mateless?" The Luna finishes.


    I finallynd back on the path and get a good view of the small crowd. My eyes go straight to my Alpha,


    apologetically of course, but the man beside him grabs my attention.


    He''s an Alpha no doubt; he looks like one. The sort of perfection only the most prestigious werewolves


    disy. I could exin every one of his magnificent features and write a book about it all, but


    something else has me entranced. The feeling in my stomach. Or is it my heart? Or is it my more


    delicate regions? Maybe it''s everything. It''s like his eyes are tearing me apart just because they can. I


    swallow.


    He makes my mouth water, this man, this Alpha, and I shouldn''t think in such ways about someone


    above me. His position stomps on my entire life. I am a speck to him.


    Finding it very hard to concentrate, I begin to see small movements on his face. His eyes shoot to me,


    then immediately gaze off, thene to me again, then leave again, like he''s looking at an eclipse. His


    jaw muscles clench, and I cross my feet, one leg moving in front of the other, almost squeezing


    together. My heart races, like someone is beating a drum in my chest, and I don''t understand any of it.


    As I stare at him, I cannot help but imagine myself dropping my virginity in the forest, against a tree,


    maybe even the one I was hidden behind a moment or two ago.


    Wait. What?


    "Shouldn''t you be on your way, then?" My Alpha cuts through the silence and drags me back to reality.


    I briefly wet my dry lips before tossing together words that mean nothing to me at the moment. "Yes, I''ll


    get out of your way."


    I step to the side and watch as the man, the Alpha, walk past me along with the others, his scent giving


    my head a spin. He doesn''t look back at me like I would for him, he only keeps on walking, leaving me


    in a confusing fog, lost, not knowing what to do next.


    I struggle for a minute, still standing on the path.


    Everything in my animalistic being is telling me what I do not want to hear. It''s shouting at me, and I


    have my headphones on, trying to ignore it.


    That Alpha, that man, that Alpha. . . An Alpha! What am I thinking? Me, mated to an Alpha? What a


    joke! If the girls were here right now, they''d sure get a kick out of this. Rae East thought she was mates


    with an Alpha, what augh!


    I have the urge to smack myself for being so stupid.


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    I make my way down the path once again and dread the gathering. Not only will I feel like aplete


    idiot, but I will also now have to watch girls flirt and dance, maybe even discover their mates,


    something I would never experience because I don''t have a Mate, and I will never have a Mate!


    It is like convincing my sixteen-year-old self all over again.


    There are one hundred males and one hundred and one females, and I am the one. I am the leftover.


    I find the building and huff before walking towards it, preparing to join the crowd.

 Chapter 2 Chapter 2

    Chapter 2


    I enter the building and find many girls in their shy dresses apanied by many men in their dress


    shirts and cks, all looking quite nice. Then I join the mix, and people start to nce over. Afterst


    year, they probably thought they''d never see me at one of these again. One can only hope.


    While trying to get that damn mysterious Alpha out of my head¡ªhis image infecting my mind¡ªI search


    the room for anyone that can help me. These girls must know everything about mates, unlike myself.


    When my mother tried to teach me, I forced myself to ignore her, not wanting to get excited about


    something I will never have. Now I just have to make sure, the girls will tell me what finding your mate


    is like, and my little run-in will turn to nothing after all. It was simply minor attraction to the man. I swear.


    Two familiar girls are leaning against a nearby wall, and I slip through the crowd to bother them for a


    second. Their eyes focus in on me when I get close.


    "Can I ask you something?" I walk up and try not to be a bother, but it''s inevitable at this point.


    They look at each other before the blonde on the left says, "What?"


    I smile weirdly, trying to seem less severe. "What does one experience when one has discovered ones


    Mate?" That was terrible. Dear Goddess, someone stop me.


    The girls look me up and down. "Why?"


    Then the ck-haired girl beside the blonde¡ªpossibly named Stacey¡ªasks, "Did you find your mate,


    Rae?"


    She knows my name? Well, probably from my great personality two years ago when I sat in the corner


    the entire time. "No. I''m just curious."


    "Well," the blonde starts, "you just know. It''s like a feeling, and then you just know that you''re mates."


    "I mean, he''ll be the most gorgeous man you''ve ever seen. You might feel suddenly horny too¡ª"


    Stacey says wittily and the blonde elbows her. "Sorry, it''s just what I''ve heard."


    "You''re disgusting," the blonde mutters, embarrassed by her friend. "Some of us are actually trying to


    find our Mates."


    I smile, needing to get away from this conversation. "Uh, thanks," I murmur and walk away, not with


    any particr motive.


    Oddly enough, I spot the table in the corner that I singly upied two years ago, and I take a seat.


    Everyone around me seems to be having a good time, and I would be internally hating this if I wasn''t so


    distracted.


    How do I know if I felt that feeling or not? Sure I felt something, but as I said, it could have just been an


    attraction. This is stupid; I am stupid for even thinking of a possibility where me, Rae, could be mated to


    him, an Alpha. He was walking with my Alpha, being all Alpha, expecting to find an Alpha-worthy mate


    for him to ravish. Obviously, an awkward girl who stumbles and falls isn''t his ideal mate. She is no ones


    ideal mate. That is why she must remain mateless.


    My thoughts are jumbled. He has jumbled me.


    Leaning back and looking up, I watch everyone move around the room. After an hour or so of sitting


    and ignoring my pesky thoughts, someone finds their mate. The crowd parts for them. Everyone''s


    watching, visible happy for her, but jealous on the inside.


    She''s blushing, smiling, she''s nervous. He looks happy, most likely because he''s found himself a for


    surey. That''s terrible, and I shouldn''t think that. Mates aren''t like that, right? Who am I to know


    anything about mates? I''m the blubbering idiot who thought she was mated to an Alpha for Goddess


    sakes. I hope they''re happy together, then. I hope she''s fulfilled by him, the man she''s now supposed


    to spend the rest of her life with. Just one nce and she''s been swiped away for a lifetime.


    Frightening, isn''t it? I''m d I don''t have to deal with that.


    It''s obvious, right? I clearly believe that I am mated to an Alpha.


    I look across the table and spot the tray of full sses of wine that the guy in the white tucked-in shirt


    left for a moment. He went through the bathroom doors just a minute ago. My eyes narrow in on them,


    the sses, the elegant, red liquid that is sure to make me forget.


    Swiftly, I stand up and swipe two sses from the tray of six and walk off. I gulp down one like a crazy


    person and set it on a random table before sipping the other normally. I''m not supposed to be drinking


    alcohol, but hopefully, I am unnoticeable enough to the point where I get away with it.


    I slip through people and at one point even cut through a couple dancing. They re at me while I


    continue on my way to nowhere.


    My eyes fall upon the main doors as if they''ve been told to look, and of course, my Alpha, my Luna,


    and the Alpha are walking inside. I nearly choke on my wine and turn around, quickly heading the other


    way. I can smell him from here. That delicious male smell that probably fills his bed, embedded into the


    pillows. It''s everywhere.


    I down the rest of my wine and ce the ss on the tray that I once stole it from. The bathroom looks


    like a safe ce, but then I spot an exit and choose that.


    It''s been over an hour. My mother can''t be too upset if Ie home now. Surely, the doors are


    unlocked.


    Once I make it back, I wiggle the handle, and thankfully the door opens, letting me in. Most of the lights


    are off, and I assume my mother has gone to bed. I kick her heels off at the door and walk into the


    living room, where she happens to be sitting. I stop.


    "It''s been over an hour so¡ª" I start, but she cuts me off with surprising news.


    "A man came to the door," she says bluntly. "What did you do, Rae?"


    My throat runs dry. "What kind of man?"


    "Tell me what you did. Was it at the party? Did you flip a table? Did you spill something on a girl''s dress


    on purpose?"


    "What? No. Who came to the door, mom?"


    She stands up, her arms crossed. "A man. He''s not from our pack. I know that. He just said that Ms.


    East needs to be ready by midnight. So tell me, what did you do?"


    My heart drops. "I didn''t do anything. I-I. . . I don''t know what happened, he just walked by and¡ª"


    "Who just walked by? What are you talking about, Rae?"


    "The man, the Alpha¡ª"


    "Our Alpha? Dear Goddess, Rae. What did you do to the Alpha?"


    I shake my head, in a panic. "Not our Alpha. Another Alpha."


    "What did you do to that Alpha?" She says dramatically, and I have the need to yell.


    "Mother, please. Just stop. Just listen for a second. I''m not really sure what happened. He just¡ªthe


    Alpha ¡ª Look, I might sound like an idiot, but just hear me out. I might have found my," I''ve never


    thought I''d say these words to my mother, ever, "mate. I might have found my mate, and it might be


    that Alpha, but I''m not sure. It was just a feeling. It could have been anything but. . . " Her face causes


    my words to drift off. "Mom?"


    "Y-You''re sure? You think so? An Alpha?" She breathes out. "Wow, um, I''m not sure what¡ªI don''t know


    what to do in this situation. W-Well, I suppose you should be ready, whatever that means, at midnight.


    Just, um, prepare for. . . "


    "I''m not even sure about it, mom."


    She nods. "Well, just in case then. Just be ready at midnight, and we''ll see what happens."


    I nod also, and we stand in silence for a second or twenty before she says, "you know, I knew you''d


    find your mate."


    Feeling very overwhelmed, all I can give her is a smile, and not even a good one. "Alright. I''m going to


    go upstairs until it''s time."


    Once in my bedroom with the door locked, I run my hands through my hair and fan my heated face. It''s


    already eleven twenty; I only have forty minutes to figure something out. For some reason, it feels as if


    he ising to get me,ing to kill me. I have forty minutes to live, well, thirty-nine now.


    There is no way I can do this. I can''t face whoever or whatever is going to be here at twelve. It''s not


    even time, and I feel as if my heart is going to fail.


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    We can''t be mates. He didn''t even say a word to me. I need more than one nce to be forever mated


    with someone. I need days, weeks, months, heck; I need years. I need years to process, and as of


    now, I have thirty-eight minutes.


    That''s it, I''m going to have a panic attack, and in result, I grab a bag and begin piling necessities inside.


    For some reason, because I can never react like a normal person, I have the brilliant idea to run away


    from all of this. If I run away, then I will never have to face that beautiful creature of an Alpha who


    makes my legs squeeze together. Oh, Goddess watch over me, I''m going to hell.


    In the bag, I toss a few warm pieces of clothing, my toothbrush, no toothpaste, socks, a pair of running


    shoes, and if I have to shift, I don''t mind tearing this dress apart. The wine leaves me a dizzy mess as I


    il my arms about, my hands grabbing whatever is within reach. At some point, I picture of my father


    falls in, and I begin to cry.


    The clock reads eleven fifty now, and I sit on the floor, tear-stained cheeks, red, puffy eyes, and a


    wrinkled dress. I at least want to be wearing clothes I like when hees and kills me, so I slowly get


    up and rece the dress for morefortable clothes. Something I would wear around the house. My


    mother would kill me if she knew I would be wearing this to face an Alpha.


    My runaway bag is a mess, my hair is a mess, my face is a mess, my life is a mess. Rae East is a


    mess who might just be mated to an Alpha. Poor man, mated to a wreck like me. He deserves a


    beautiful mate, some girl like the ones at the gathering, heck, even more beautiful than them. With a


    position, face, and body like his, he could get the Moon Goddess if he wanted.


    I hear a knock at the door downstairs, the house is quiet enough to hear such subtle sounds, and I


    swallow.


    Kiss life goodbye, Rae.

 Chapter 3 Chapter 3

    Chapter 3


    With my bedroom door cracked open, I can hardly hear my mother answer the door.


    "Hello, can I help you?" She asks whoever is there.


    "Yes, I''m looking for Ms. East. I''m assuming she''s your daughter. Alpha Grant is expecting her


    presence."


    "Yes, she''s upstairs. Might I ask what for?"


    "I was told nothing but to retrieve her."


    Well, I know hisst name. That''s something. It''s not enough, but still something. I know of him, this


    Alpha, his pack is a little farther than the ones that usuallye to the gathering. It''s a strong pack,


    one of the strongest. That''s all I know.


    I know my mother is going to call for me, but I do not want to go downstairs and off with this stranger.


    He was told to retrieve me, so the Alpha told him to do so. Part of me wishes that the Alpha would have


    continued to ignore my existence, just as he did when we had our encounter on the path. Maybe he is


    going to reject me. Maybe that''s why he needs me¡ªit''s only for a moment then.


    It will hurt, I know that. I can''t help it.


    "Rae, there''s a man here for you," my mother calls, on queue.


    ncing at my bag, I sigh and head through the door, ready to get this over with. It''ll just take a minute;


    then I can go back to the way things were, my lovely, mateless life. Maybe I''ll move to the city, live


    amongst the humans and pretend to be one of them. Humans die alone sometimes, so I will fit in there.


    We''ll all be alone together.


    I''ll be shunned from my pack, hell, the entire werewolf kind will reject me if they find out, but I don''t


    need them in my life. I can live as a human. It sounds pleasant, the human life.


    What a dream.


    "Rae," my mother calls again, and I steadily make my way down the stairs.


    It will only take a second, I repeat to myself, chanting in my head. It will hurt, the rejection, but I''ll be


    okay. I''ve lost people in my life. I know how this works. If only the mate bond was nonexistent¡ªit would


    be a breeze without it. "I''m here," I say at the bottom, and the two look to me. "Where are we going?"


    All content ? N/.?vel/Dr/ama.Org.


    The man in the door is tall and well built, likely one of his guards. "To the Alpha, at your pack house. He


    is with your Luna and Alpha, but he will give instructions on what to do."


    Instructions? "For what?"


    "It''s best if you leave the questions for him."


    I look to my mother, and she seems somewhat excited by this. She must not know that he''s going to


    reject me, or maybe she does. Maybe she''s just trying to hide it so I won''t be too upset about it.


    "Alright," I murmur, "let''s make this quick."


    I know where the pack house is, but I have never been inside like most of my pack. It is where the


    Alpha and Luna live, where important people stay, where they love each other and make love until the


    sun dries up the sky. That is at least what the girls daydream about. They dream about the Alpha, what


    it would be like to be mated to him, the feelings, sensations only he could give. Some girls say that''s


    why the Luna is so happy and so pregnant half the time. She''s had her third child, and anymore seem


    crazy to me. Who am I to judge, though?


    I follow the man, walking a few steps behind him. He will nce back at me, maybe making sure that I


    haven''t run away off into the trees. He knows too, doesn''t he? He knows that I''m going to be rejected. I


    wonder if he feels bad for me.


    Can an Alpha reject their mate? Sure, but it is not a good option unless they have a woman with Alpha


    blood to rece her. And even the woman of Alpha blood¡ªa highly desired woman¡ªisn''t as good as a


    Mate. Nothing can rece ones true mate, but I suppose this Alpha Grant has his backup for when he


    dumps me. He must have a woman with Alpha Blood, someone beautiful and worthy. I''m sure she


    could do better than me anyway, his true mate or not.


    While lost in my thoughts, the guard grabs my attention when hees to a halt. I peer up and realize


    that we are here. He is just inside, a few steps away, so close but so far.


    I swallow, preparing myself for the inevitable heartbreak.


    It will just take a minute.


    It is a rare thing, to enter the pack house unless you are someone worthy, which I am clearly not. I am


    a woman about to be rejected by an Alpha, surely not worthy. Heck, I should be grateful to stand on the


    porch.


    The guard does not knock, but confidently opens the door, and I hesitate before following him inside.


    There are voices further in, and just before I expect to unmask their owners, the guard turns down a


    hallway. Quite confused and lost, I follow him like a child without their mother to guide them. Too young


    to be making such decisions.


    Oh Goddess, I smell him. That scent that I can''t describe in less than a hundred words. It is everything


    wonderful all in one cologne, and somehow, it works. The further down the hall we walk, the more


    potent it grows, wrapping around me like a warm nket. I could fall asleep in its arms.


    There are tworge, white doors and one of them is cracked open. The scent bleeds from there. He''s


    behind those doors, and I brace myself for impact. The guard pushes past, and I have the need to ditch


    the situation, but it''s toote, I too, am inside. He sits in a chair in front of a desk, I''m assuming my


    Alphas desk, and he looks up, and I crumble. The door closes after the guard, and we are alone. I am


    alone with a stranger.


    I can''t move. The sight of him hurts. It''s like staring at a ss of water when ones been deprived for


    ages. I am quickly bing dehydrated, and my lips turn dry.


    I don''t want to be here with him; I don''t want to be anywhere at all. There is no ce for me, and under


    his gaze, I shrink to a pulp. This man, this Alpha, my alleged mate, makes me feel like nothing to him.


    He is the King, and I am a peasant.


    He stands up, looking down at me, ready to stomp on the bug, ready to squish it.


    He says firmly, "Be ready tomorrow morning."


    What? Doesn''t he have the time to reject me now? "For?" I murmur, too nervous to talk normally.


    "We leave tomorrow morning. The man who brought you here will take you home and get you around


    eight," his voice¡ªwords confusing me¡ªsounds like a dream. I want him to whisper in my ear how


    much he¡ªwait. "You''re free to go."


    Only registering the word ''go,'' I nod slightly and push back past the closed door. Like a drunk woman, I


    stumble a bit and I find the man who fetched me, the dog walker.


    He begins to walk away, and I know I am supposed to follow him. I do so until we are freed from the


    pack house, back out in the open air. "That''s alright, I-I can make it from here," I tell him.


    "It''s not my choice," he says, bored.


    We continue to walk, and I grow further from him with each step. At some point he pauses until I have


    caught up a bit, then he carries on.


    My head pounds, repeating his words with every pulse. We leave tomorrow morning. We leave.


    Morning. Leave. Tomorrow. Be ready. It''s causing my stomach to rise. Around eight. Eight. You''re free


    to go. Free to go. Free. I feel as if I''m going to throw up.


    I wobble up to the door and wave back at the guard, but he''s already turned away from me, on his way


    back to wherever he came from. With a moan of tiredness and confusion, I fall inside and close with the


    door behind me, needing the wood to stable myself.


    Without a minute to breathe, my mother appears. "So? What happened?"


    I want to yell at her. Nothing happened! It doesn''t matter! But I restrain myself. "I can''t talk right now.


    We''ll talk in the morning."


    I move past her, and she seems taken-back. "What? In the morning? What happened, Rae?"


    "Please," I say, heading for the stairs, "not now."


    In my bedroom I find peace, and I fall back onto my bed, taking in the silence.


    He said we''re leaving tomorrow morning at eight. Who is ''we?'' ''We'' better not mean us. And ''us'' better


    not mean him and I. That wouldn''t make sense. Why on earth would he need me toe with him? It


    is clear that he had no interest in me whatsoever, so why waste anyone''s time? Must he take me to his


    pack to reject me? Or maybe he is going to kill me there, where everyone thinks I am safest.


    I don''t understand. Where are we going? I am assuming back to his pack as I said, as the gathering is


    over, but why? Why take me back? I will be an embarrassment to his pack.


    I needed more information than that, but I didn''t have the guts to ask, and I wouldn''t have them now


    either. He sat there like a God. Who am I to question him? Only one word. For? That''s all I could


    muster. What a weakling.


    It''s not like I am trying to impress him anyway. There''s no point in that.


    Finding it hard to breathe, I slide open a window and bring my face to the. The air is cold in my


    lungs, sobering me up.


    I am a blind man walking on a tightrope.

 Chapter 4 Chapter 4

    Chapter 4


    Iy in my bed for an hour before locating my runaway bag on the floor, hyping myself up for the


    reckless thing I am about to do. It didn''t take much to convince myself, only a few scenarios and a look


    or two in the mirror. Only a stupid girl would think that Alpha Grant is taking me back to his pack to


    reject me, there is no point in that, it''s ridiculous. I know who I am, what I am supposed to be. I know


    what I have convinced myself, and being mated to an Alpha is not part of my n. It ruins everything.


    If I could, I would give him to one of the other girls, someone who he can love and love with no doubt.


    They would be so happy, telling everyone with a proud look, showing him off like a prize won. She''d be


    the perfect Luna, that girl.


    Tossing in thest of my things, I slide up my window and pop out the screen, leaving a giant hole for


    me to fly out of. I drop my bag to the grass first, watching with a racing heart as it hits the ground with


    an ufortable thud. There is no way I am jumping, I''ll break something¡ªlikely an ankle or leg¡ªand


    I can''t run away with broken bones.


    Opting for the front door, I close it slowly behind me and rush around back to swipe up my bag. In a


    very nervous and tired jog, I head for the trees.


    Like a drunk woman, I have no n but to head off into the night. All my dizzy head knows is that I


    must get away for him. Once he''s gone tomorrow, I''lle back and apologize to my mother for


    disappearing. All I have to do tonight is hold up for a day, staying hidden, and wait for my mate to give


    up and go home. He''ll forget about me when he''s back at his pack, reunited with plenty of women and


    responsibilities to distract him. I will be Rae who?


    I am delusional, aren''t I?


    Maybe I swiped four sses instead of two.


    I should have never gone to that horrifying gathering. It is just one clump of perfect people trying to


    match up and have perfect futures with perfect children and romance, aging and learning together. The


    more I think about it, the more my inner self yearns for it, so I numb myself from such thoughts. I find it


    harder to stick in the needle after finding this Alpha, though. I am blindfolded and stabling into whatever


    feels like skin.


    Stumbling over a protruding tree root, I snap back to life ande to a pause. I''ve made it into the


    forest, denser than at the center of the pack. If my useless head hasn''t done mepletely wrong,


    then home is that way, right behind me.


    Dropping my bag to the ground, cushioned by tall, sparse sprouts of grass, I sigh and look up to the


    sky. The moon is there, sneaking through the trees like a predator ready to pounce. It''s the Goddess


    gazing down at me, shaking her head, arms crossed from my foolishness. I give her a wave, she


    doesn''t wave back.


    Crouching down and falling to my butt, I pick at the dirt, scooping up pebbles and tossing them to the


    side, a bored child. In this grave I dig shall be the final resting ce of my sanity.


    I wish he could see me like this, the Alpha. This would surely make him reject me now instead of


    forcing me to go off to his pack. I look like a lunatic, a drunk idiot ying with dirt in the middle of the


    night all to avoid her newly discovered Alpha Mate. A sour girl who is judgmental and cold, jealous by


    those who have what she could never grasp. This will only make me worse, being mated to an Alpha. It


    is as if I have been given the most expensive gift only to be unable to open it. It just sits there, staring


    at me, never able to be used by me. It''s a cruel gift and I want to give it back.


    By the time the sun begins to rise, I find myself dragging my bag along as I walk back to the house. A


    failure making her walk of shame.


    I can''t reject an Alpha. The moon goddess would never let that happen to her favorite children, but I''m


    sure I wouldn''t be able to anyways.


    When I sneak back into the house, back upstairs into my bedroom, I discover it to be six o''clock. My


    mother should be up any second now. She will being into my room, getting me up as well. She''ll


    probably be excited, helping me ''get ready'' for the dreaded eight o''clock. And she does.


    I sit on my bed as she packs up things, essentials. I toss in a few books here and there, my iPod,


    headphones, my favorite socks¡ªlonely girls things. I don''t care what she puts in. Iy back and take


    deep breaths, calming my raging nerves, my racing heart, and warming my frozen fingertips. Slowly,


    my body grows cold. The infection of the Mate bond is eating me alive from the inside out.


    When the knockes to the door my mother gasps then rushes downstairs, yelling at me to finish


    everything up as she does so. While I zip up the two bags, I dream of the feelings the wine from the


    gathering gave me, wanting to feel it all again right now. A part of me misses dizzy and reckless Rae,


    so maybe she doesn''t have to go. Maybe she can stay. If I am going to be Alpha Grant''s


    embarrassment of a Mate¡ªsomething hidden in a box in the attic¡ªI might as well find entertainment in


    myself. I wonder if I''ll see him now, or at all. Maybe we will be in separate houses at all times, maybe


    he just needs to know that I am there.


    I am going with him for power, right?


    While sitting in the forest, picking at the dirt, I thought hard about this. If Mates keep each other strong


    because of the bond, then he needs me around to make sure he doesn''t grow weak.


    My mother calls for me, so I pick up the bags and shuffle down the hall to the top of the stairs. I can see


    the guard down below, the guy from the night before, so Izily shove the bags down the steps,


    watching as they slide and fumble down each one before anticlimacticallynding on the floor. My


    mother res at me, embarrassed by such childish actions. Why did I do it? Because I don''t want to


    go, and I might as well let this guard know as well.


    Following the bags, I reach the bottom and pick them up. "Are we leaving?"


    He must think I am a psychopath, but he doesn''t know what I am walking into. He doesn''t know how


    sad my life is about to be, more so than it already is.


    The guard nods. "Yes, the car is just outside." He takes the bags from me and I don''t stop him, might


    as well take advantage of this pampering before being shoved into the attic. "You can sit in the back."


    I hug my mother and promise to call her as soon as I get there. She holds onto me for a minute or two


    before releasing me from the nest, a baby bird falling, about to be touched by humans and rejected. I


    smile, though. Something too happy to be real, and she knows this. I want to tell her that I''ll be back


    soon once this Alpha realizes that he doesn''t really need me, but I stay quiet and get into therge car.


    I don''t expect the Alpha to be in here, and he''s not. The guard then gets into the driver''s seat and does


    whatever he has to do. I don''t bother watching my house shrink, or watching the trees swim by, I just


    close my eyes andy back. Hoping to sleep through the drive since I spent all ofst night in the


    woods, I get asfortable as I can and drift off.


    It was sudden. One day he was alive then the next he was dead. He told me good morning, told me to


    have a good day, then he was off to the borders. My mother stayed home while he was a guard for our


    Alpha and as I was a child learning about the creature I am supposed to be. They said it was an


    ident. A few rogues appeared, seemed to be friendly then suddenly weren''t.


    They identally trusted these strangers, I suppose. I don''t think my father did, though. He would be


    the one to doubt them, to believe that until proven innocent every man is guilty.


    Our Alpha came to our door to tell us that our Mate and father was dead. He seemed to feel guilty.


    Maybe that''s why he would remember my face. Not my face now, but that child''s face, the big eyes


    All content ? N/.?vel/Dr/ama.Org.


    flooded with tears, hands grasping for her father who would nevere home. Whenever I see him, I


    think of that day.


    I thought he woulde and congratte me on finding my mate as he does for every other man or


    woman who discovers theirs. My mother expected this too¡ªhoping to rece our old, sad memory of


    him at our doorstep with a new one¡ªbut he never came. Alpha Grant must not have told him, and I


    know that I repeatedly tell myself that I don''t care, that I expect this from him, but there will always be


    that part of me that aches no matter how many times I try. There is that part in everyone, thest piece


    that nothing or no one can convert.


    The door beside me is yanked open, and the abrupt sound shocks me awake. Having to remember


    where I am, I peer around the car and sigh. The car is no longer in motion, which tells me one thing.


    "You''re free to get out," the guard tells me as he appears with my bags in hand. "I''m supposed to bring


    these up to your room, so just follow me."


    Still foggy-headed from sleep, I nod and slide out of the car, slipping off the seat andnding unsteadily


    on the ground. I shut the car door behind me and walk near the guard as he heads towards the doors


    of arge house. I clench my jaw and power on.


    "Is the Alpha¡ª"


    "No, he''s not here yet," the guard interrupts as if I am his annoying, younger sister, "we arrived before


    him. He''ll be here soon."


    Somewhat insulted, I cross my arms and follow him into the house, my thoughts babbling on and on


    about how I am leaving here anyways and how he can leave because I don''t need his help.


    Not wanting to grow attached to the ce, I ignore my surroundings and focus on the guards back. Up


    a staircase and down a hall is the door he stops in front of, and I know this is supposedly my room. He


    waits for me to open it, so I reach forward and swing the door open, pretending not to care when I am


    actually quite curious. Before stepping inside, I peer down the hall. Tworge doors stand at the end,


    tormenting me, haunting me, acting like the gates of hell.


    His scent seeps from there.

 Chapter 5 Chapter 5

    Chapter 5


    The guard leaves and I stay in my room, dreading the moment when Alpha Grantes home. He


    said that he''ll be here soon, which makes me restless, speaking that I''m in his pack house with my own


    room. So much for a separate building. I can''t lie to myself, the house is beautiful, my bedroom is a


    Property of N?)(velDr(a)ma.Org.


    dream, and all of these feelings are making my head explode. It wasn''t supposed to be like this. I was


    supposed to hate it here, I was supposed to want to leave.


    The bedding smells like roses; my nose stuffed into the pillows as Iy here trying to collect myself.


    The soothing scent helps keep my mind off of his at the end of the hall, trickling through my door. It''s


    going to wrap around my ankles and drag me down the hall, locking me in his bedroom for him to find


    me as a wild animal. His scent is not my friend, but an enemy.


    My bags are set off to the side, and I refuse to unpack them, convinced that I won''t be here for long. I


    push the promise to my mother to the back of my head, in no mood to search this ce for a phone.


    Some girls at the pack have one, but I personally had no need for one. Everyone I know is in a three


    mile radius of me, and yet that number is even lower than expected. I could call my mother. Maybe the


    dark-haired girl from the gathering¡ªshe seems to know me.


    Rolling onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling just as I hear soundsing from downstairs. My heart


    hurdles forward, pulling me up, causing my throat to swell closed. In a sudden panic, I look for a ce


    to hide before I realize how stupid that is. I''m sure sooner orter he would find me under the bed.


    Instead, I switch between sitting and standing before deciding to act as if I am unpacking my things. I


    snatch up a bag and drop it onto the bed, zipping it open and digging for my books first, moving past


    clothing.


    Casually, I ce them on the partially-filled bookshelf  beside the door, across from the bed, sliding


    them into their own little spot. I do this very slowly, waiting for someone toe in, checking if I am


    here.


    When the door opens, I shoot into position and slide the second book into ce, holding my breath. His


    scent floods the room, a tsunami washing through, drenching everything. I look to my side to find him


    entering, and his eyes connect with mine. I swallow and grip the books in my hand tightly.


    "You''re unpacking?" He questions and I nod. "Alright. I assume Theodore showed you around, where


    everything is?"


    I nod again, lying.


    "You''refortable in this room?"


    I nod. Goddess, Rae, say something!


    There is a few seconds of silence between us, and my chest feels as if it is going to cave in. He speaks


    so smoothly, acts collected but reckless at the same time, seems to have everything under control in


    his life as he is the one in control. This man makes me look like a fool¡ªpretending to put books on a


    shelf¡ªfor what? I can''t remember the reason anymore.


    "I''ll leave you to it," he says.


    I manage a weak, "Okay," and then he leaves, closing the door behind him.


    With nothing else to do, and being too scared to leave my room, I unpack the rest of my things and find


    myself listening to music afterwards. I was reading for a good hour or two, and then my stomach


    started grumbling like a distant earthquake. Trying to ignore my hunger, I st alternative songs and


    After another hour goes by I find myself pacing back and forth, trying to make a decision. Is eating


    really worth the possibility of running into my mate? The majority of my head says no, the majority of


    my body says yes, and a few minutester I am creeping down the hall, heading for the stairs.


    It is almost dinner time¡ªthe drive taking up most of the day¡ªand I realize I haven''t eaten at all. He


    must know that I require food, right? Even a pet fish has to eat, though I am sure my inevitable hunger


    is thest thing on his mind.


    Holding my breath, I carefully make my way down the stairs, listening for any voices. When I hear two


    people talking off to the side, I freeze. Once I realize that the voices aren''t growing any louder or softer,


    I predict them to be still and I carry on.


    Thanks to Theodore''s nonexistent tour skills, I have no idea where the kitchen is. In result, I wander


    around like a mouse, watching for traps or luring pieces of cheese. Not wanting to go near the voices, I


    pray that the kitchen is on the other side of the house, and I search there. Suddenly, I hear different


    voices, feminine ones. Not knowing what to do, I swiftly slip past the open archway of the room they''re


    in. As I hurry past¡ªhoping they don''t see me¡ªI notice the room they''re in to be the kitchen. From the


    quick sh of their features, they look to be a bit older, but not elderly.


    Not thinking that they are some sort of mistresses, I peek for a second nce. Unfortunately when I do,


    they catch me red-handed. "Can we help you, dear?"


    Red in the face and embarrassed, I shyly wander in with an apologetic smile. "I was just, well, looking


    for the kitchen."


    The more plump woman stands up from her seat at the small table set off to the side, where they were


    both sitting. "Can I get you anything?"


    I act surprised, or confused, it''s a mix of both. "I''m sure I can get my own food, if that''s alright?"


    I know that in the pack house there are people that help run everything. There are ones who clean,


    ones who cook, and well, that''s all I can think of. I don''t know much about a pack house, but at least I


    know this.


    "You don''t have to do¡ª"


    I smile again, and it''s a weird feeling. "No, it''s alright. I really don''t mind. It''s what I''m used to,


    anyways."


    I seem to have caught their attention. "Sorry, but are you not¡ªI don''t mean to sound rude¡ªbut didn''t


    you live in the pack house, at your old pack?"


    They think I am Alpha blood. It''s not their fault, anyone would. I am surprised they know I am Alpha


    Grants mate, though. Maybe Theodore did do something useful and he warned them of my presence.


    "I''m not from an Alpha Blood line," I say casually as if it''s no big deal so they don''t feel guilty for asking.


    "I''m just a¡ªwell, a regr." I smile again for effect.


    Will I ever be good at simple conversation?


    "Oh, I''m sorry for assuming," the woman apologizes and looks to the other, and the other nods in


    agreement. "Here, let me fetch you something."


    I step back and watch her whip up something, letting her really apologize. It is weird to watch someone


    else make you food, especially when you don''t feel deserving of it. All I did was somehow be mated to


    an Alpha, and suddenly people are cooking for me.


    I sit down with the other woman at the table.


    "Did you meet at the gathering? I heard we were going over to the Waters Pack for it."


    "Yes, we did," I fib, not wanting to exin the entire embarrassing and anticlimactic exchange.


    "I''m sure you''re family must be very proud that you''re mated to an Alpha and all. I only dreamed of


    such things when I was your age," the woman says, and I have the urge to tell her that it''s not what it


    seems, that I won''t be here for long, and that Alpha Grant doesn''t actually want me here.


    "Yes, my mother was very happy with it," I lie again, not knowing if I shouldpletely remake myself


    or not. "I was actually supposed to call herter, do you know where a phone is?"


    "Yes, there''s one in the living room."


    We continue to talk about the discovery of my mate and how excited I am, and it tears me apart. I want


    to run up to my room and wish to teleport back home, back to where I know who I am and what is


    supposed to happen.


    Once eating, the other woman joins in the conversation and I feel as if I am drowning. How''s your


    bedroom? Do you like it? Are you excited to sleep in the same bed soon? I remember when I started


    sharing a room with my mate. How many children are you hoping for? Have you meant Alpha Grants


    Beta, Will? Is there anything specific you would like for dinner tomorrow, anything special from home? I


    can fetch you toiletries and towels and such if you''d like a shower. When do you expect to move into


    his bedroom? Will your family be visiting? Do you n on visiting them? Do you have any siblings? Are


    you feeling well, you look ill?


    "I''m fine," I mumble, "just a little tired that''s all. Long drive."


    The plump woman swipes up my empty te. "You''d better get some rest then. I''m sure you''ll be busy


    these next few days getting settled in and learning your way around the pack."


    "You''re right, I should get¡ª" Just before I can finish my sentence, I smell him. It''s strong. It''s close. I


    turn to the archway and not even a secondter he appears with another man. I freeze again.


    "Good evening, Alpha Grant," the plump woman says while the other one acknowledges his presence


    with a charming smile. "Good evening, Will."


    Looking to the other man, I recall his name from the plethora of questions. Will is his Beta.


    "How has your day been?" Will starts a conversation with the woman and I feel as if he hasn''t quite


    noticed me yet.


    Needing to get out now, I stand up, catching everyone''s attention. "Thanks again for dinner. I should,


    um¡ª"


    "Be getting to bed?" The plump woman finishes for me and I nod.


    "Yes, that."


    As I turn to leave, my eyes meet his Betas and the man seems quite surprised by me. From the hall I


    can hear him ask, "Now who was that?" But I continue on my mission to the stairs and to the bedroom.


    Inside, I am able to rx. Going to the kitchen was a bad idea, and I''ll have to remember that for next


    time.  A littleter into the night¡ªhaving to entertain myself through all of it¡ªI think about the plump


    woman''s offer of a shower, well, her offer to fetch me things needed for one.


    Earlier, I familiarized myself with the room and discovered that the extra door off to the side leads to a


    bathroom. It looks to be another closet from the outside, but on the in it is quite cozy. It is not


    unbelievably spacious, which I like, and I feel good in there. The small window above the toilet has a


    ledge to ce nts and such, and I think I might do just that. The shower ss is a lovely texture that


    makes me feel as if I am peering through a window while it''s raining, blurring everything. The bathroom


    is my own little nook, and it makes me feel better about showering here. Before I was quite nervous.


    Now in a somewhat ''okay'' mood, I prepare to leave the safety of the bedroom to find the plump woman.


    Part of me wonders if she''s still here¡ªit beingte and all¡ªbut I decide to check anyways.


    It doesn''t take much space between the door and the frame to notice a presence in the hall. Pulling the


    door back¡ªleaving only a sliver to watch through¡ªI notice the presence to be a girl. My lugs squeeze,


    deprived of air, and I stalk her as she softly walks towards thoserge doors that intimidate me to no


    end.


    My free hand balls up as the other holds the door in ce. The stranger slips inside the room, and I


    immediately shut the door, not wanting to look any longer.


    That woman just when into his bedroom.

 Chapter 6 Chapter 6

    Chapter 6


    I want to rip my hair out. Even with headphones in, I still know what they''re doing in his bedroom. Even


    if I can''t hear it, I can still feel it. It feels as if my nails are being yanked off one by one, my fingers


    bloody and shaking. I hate it. I hate him. I hate being here. I hate this feeling. It''s as if he''s wrapping his


    hands around my neck and slowly squeezing harder and harder, watching as my face grows pale,


    ignoring my begging.


    I sit in the middle of my bed¡ªmusic sting in my ears¡ªand I try not to scream. All I want is to go


    home. I knew this was going to be a mistake, but what could I do to stop it? Run away like drunk Rae


    wanted?


    In this moment, after hearing such sounds echo from his bedroom, I''d rather him kill me. I want to rip


    out the mate bond from inside of me and burn it. In this moment, I no longer fear loneliness. I am on


    foreign territory, alone, and right now I feel as if I have nothing left to lose. Life has never seemed so


    dark, so empty and sinister. The Moon Goddess must hate me, she must want me dead.


    No longer thinking rationally, I tear out my headphones and shoot from the bed, flying out of my room


    and hurrying down the hall. I pause at the stairs when one of this woman''s many cries jolt through my


    body, a spear aimed at my heart. The muffled sounds of their intimate movements drive me into a sort


    of desperation. Rushing down the stairs, hearing their voices grow dim, I retrace my steps to the


    kitchen in search of a familiar potion. A potion of healing.


    The downstairs is vacant, so I don''t bother to act presentable. I sift through the cabs bute up


    empty-handed, then I doubtably move to the pantry to find nothing again. With this intense desperation,


    I wander through the rooms until Ie upon an elegant sitting room. In the corner, I spot an unusual


    cab, and with sudden excitement, I swing it open. Inside are bottles of all shapes and sizes¡ªbeing


    Property of N?)(velDr(a)ma.Org.


    no experienced drinker, I don''t know what to grab. Each one looks deliciously numbing, so I grab a tall


    bottle of clear liquid and I know it is vodka. Not only thebel tells me, but I am familiar with the liquor,


    having had it in my own house.


    Hoping to receive a feeling simr to that given from the wine, I w at the wrapped cap and screw it


    open. The smell is not pleasant, but neither are the feelings in my chest, so I take a gulp.


    Grasping onto the bottle like a child to their milk, I wander towards the back of the house until I find a


    back door. Sneaking through, I ignore the intense and unpleasant taste in my mouth, and I sit down on


    the edge of the porch, my legs filed in between the fence posts, my feet dangling and kicking back and


    forth. After a few more sips, I abandon the bottle and wander out towards the trees.


    I know this feeling. It feels like the end of a book or movie, and in a few seconds, after one more page,


    you know the story is over. Where else am I supposed to go? What else am I supposed to do? I can''t


    live with my mother forever¡ªthat''s saying I get out of this hell¡ªand I can''t stay here, left to wither


    away. All I have right now is the forest and my muzzy head left to wander these woods until someone


    realizes I''m missing, and that could take days.


    Nothing hurts more than knowing your mate is sleeping with someone else. Maybe rejection could


    telling me just how much he doesn''t care about my existence.


    I know I should have expected this, and in ways I did, but I didn''t expect to feel so worthless. I have to


    get out of here.


    Not knowing exactly how much vodka I drank, I stumble through the trees, tripping and stopping every


    now and then. At one point I slowly trickle to the ground, and slump against a tree, wishing I had


    brought the bottle with me.


    Why couldn''t I be one of them? The pretty girls who dress nice and brush their hair and flirt with boys


    who may or may not be their mate, but they don''t care. They have that security in knowing one day


    they''ll find their mate, one day someone will love them until the end of their life. I will never have that


    security. I shall forever live not knowing if I will ever be happy. It''s up to me, I suppose, but is it so bad


    to yearn for someone to lend a hand when I''ve fallen? Someone to pick me up and kiss me and tell me


    that everything will be alright because they love me?


    This pain is causing all of my self-taught life lessons to slip away from me. All of the hours spent


    convincing myself that I''ll be okay, all of the tears shed for nothing. I was strong before this Alpha. I


    would have been okay without him.


    Lazily getting up, I wander farther into the ckness of night, letting the forest caress my aching soul.


    Ie to a halt when I notice the glowing eyes of a wolf ahead of me. It must be a guard working on


    the borders. Before I can exin, the creature dashes off, and I find myself alone again.


    Not soon after, a voice is calling at me.


    "Hey!" The man yells, "You''re too close to the border. I''m going to have to ask you to head back."


    ncing up, I wave him off, smiling to myself. I couldn''t even escape if I wanted, could I? I''m stuck


    here. I''m a prisoner.


    "Miss? I told you to¡ªare you alright?"


    Feeling quite hopeless, I chuckle and say, "Yeah, I know. I''m going," my voice swaying. The stranger


    nears me. "I''m fine, I''m fine. I''m going, now."


    "You''re quite far from. . ." His voices fades to confusion. "Where did youe from?"


    The pack house must be the only thing over here. "I came from the Water''s pack," I murmur, no longer


    wanting to talk, "I have to go."


    "The Water''s Pack? What are you talking about?"


    Not wanting him to go to Alpha Grant about this, in my drunken stupor, I start to walk off, speeding up.


    "Hey!"


    Weaving through the forest in an attempt to lose him, I cling to trees for stability, flying from one to the


    other. For some reason, this amuses me, and I can''t help butugh.


    My life is over.


    Somehow, I make it back to the pack house, and I hurry inside before he can emerge from the trees


    and catch me. I fall closed with the door and slide down it like water slides down ss. My butt hits the


    floor and part of me is expecting my mother to step out and question me. Where have you been? What


    have you been doing? You did what to the Alpha? I already miss it. Right now, being suffocated with


    her worry seems better than being discarded as something useless.


    The sounds upstairs have stopped, and I climb into bed surrounded by nothing but darkness. I don''t


    want to sleep here.


    I could have been happy alone, back at my pack¡ªbut no¡ªhe had to take me away, he had to bring me


    here. Why? He knows that we have no future together, that I am nothing to him but a roadblock,


    medication to his wounds. He didn''t want any of this¡ªhe didn''t want me, so why must I suffer? To


    make sure the Alpha stays strong? It''s criminal. While I wither away, he grows stronger, feeding off of


    my soul.


    In the morning, I find myself making my way downstairs, heading for the kitchen. My head is a foggy


    mess, pounding relentlessly. The bright lights hurt, and I hold my head down, not wanting to run into


    anyone like this.


    Hearing voices to the side, my eyes are lead to the door, and I surprisingly see Alpha Grant standing in


    front of it. He''s speaking to someone, his body filling up the space, blocking me from seeing who.


    As he shuts the door, moving to the side, I catch a glimpse of the person¡ªthe girl. The one fromst


    night.


    My chest, it hurts again¡ªthat feeling deep down inside of me, the one I attempted to drink awayst


    night. My head is no longer the only thing that is aching.


    Alpha Grant turns and sees me, our eyes connecting for a second or two before I swiftly look away. No


    longer hungry, I turn back and hurry up the stairs.

 Chapter 7 Chapter 7

    Chapter 7


    It has been a lonely week, but what did I expect? My day consists of eating breakfast, chatting with Gail


    and Theresa¡ªthe plump woman and her friend¡ªeating lunch, listening to music or reading a book,


    hardly eating dinner, and going to bed. Throughout the day I be more and more depressed, and


    by dinner, I barely have enough fight in myself to eat. I call my mother every day and lie to her. I go on


    and on about how lovely everything is, and how I was wrong about not wanting a mate¡ªit gives me


    something to do, to conjure up some fairytale.


    "Today we went on a walk around the pack, he showed me around and introduced me to people," I say


    to my mother, the phone up against my ear as I lie on my bed. I''ve stolen the phone from the living


    room and put it in my room, knowing Alpha Grant won''te in to take it. "It was nice. The people here


    are nice."


    "That''s great, Rae. I''m so happy things are going so well. I''ll have toe and visit someday. You''ll


    have toe and visit me when you''re not so busy with Luna duties and such."


    I frown. "Yeah, definitely." Before she can carry on with something else, like how our Luna had another


    baby, or how she helped a guard handle a rogue, I mutter, "You know, he''s waiting for me now. I should


    probably go."


    "Oh, of course, go, go," she says, sounding excited. "We''ll talk more tomorrow."


    "Okay."


    "Alright, bye dear." And just like that, I am alone again.


    I let the phone slip from my grasp, falling onto the bed beside me. Part of me wants to cry and part of


    me wants to drink, but Gail found the half-empty bottle of Vodka in the porch the morning after, so I


    thought it best to stop there. Being drunk won''t help me for long, soon enough it will lose its spark.


    Though, what do I have to lose? I have nothing anymore, and that''s terrifying me. People who have


    nothing are dangerous.


    At least I had myself at home. I don''t know where the old Rae has gone¡ªshe''s slipped away after one


    too many nights of her mate having sex with someone else. It''s the same girl, and that only makes me


    more insane. Whenever I hear here over, which is most nights, I creep away into the backyard and


    fight my urges to sprint to that odd cab and snatch myself a bottle of whatever looks numbing. I


    simply sit on the porch, feet dangling, and I cry a bit. They are quiet sobs because I am paranoid that


    someone will hear ande ask me what''s wrong. What would I say? I''ve lost everything? That I have


    nothing anymore?


    I sigh and get up, leaving the phone behind. I''ve learned my way around the house now. With nothing


    to do all day, I''ve decided to familiarize myself with the ce, looking for good ces to hide or ces


    that seem to be forgotten about. It''s arge house, too big for its own good, and yesterday I discovered


    something wonderful.


    It''s a library, small and abandoned towards the back of the house. The door to it was blocked off by a


    bookshelf filled with decorations and family pictures, something to just be there, to distract people from


    the handle behind the picture of an older man in ck and white. It would have been better hidden if


    the tall shelf had a back to it, but only my desperate eyes can find such weird details. I was studying


    the pictures, picking them up and putting them down when I found the handle. It was tricky, though,


    because the door was one of those fancy ones that blend seamlessly into the wall, like in an old castle.


    It took me a while to move the shelf. Luckily Gail and Theresa were out at the garden and Alpha Grant


    was off doing who knows what or God knows who. I managed to inch it forward just enough to fit


    myself through. Thankfully I grew into my chubby legs a few years ago.


    nning to go back, I left the shelf sticking out a bit, doubting anyone would notice. So today I only


    have to pull it out a bit further. Once inside, I rx and sit down in one of the old chairs off to the side,


    nestled between a tallmp and a small wooden table.


    I n on cleaning it up as dust coats everything, but for now, it will do. There are two walls cluttered


    with books from top to bottom beside each other. The wall across from the door has a tiny window¡ªthe


    shelves built around it¡ªand I push back the dark curtain to let the sunlight filter through the dusty


    ss. It is a beam of light slicing through the center of the room, and I sit in the chair, watching the dust


    particles dance around in it.


    To make sure no one knows I''m here, I yank the bookshelf back in ce and close the door behind me,


    like I had never touched any of it in the first ce.


    Today I stand and sift through the books, picking up a few, flipping through the pages, then cing


    them back. There isn''t enough room in here for the shelves, the chair, and a desk, so I know it wasn''t


    someone''s study, which is great because the books are actually interesting and not full of Pack


    nonsense. On the shelf below the window, I discover something else quite interesting. Diaries. They


    are all in a row, lined up by year.


    I run my fingers over them and yank out the oldest one. I might as well start from the beginning. This


    one has a name on the inside: Julianna Grant. My eyes widen and I swiftly sit back down in the living


    chair, this must be Alpha Grant''s mother or grandmother. The book isn''t ancient, so I don''t go any


    further. I can''t help but read the first entry.


    September 25th, 1991


    I have started this because I have nothing else to do. I have forced the maids to let me cook and clean


    with them because I am simply driving myself to madness. To remind you of the events of your life at


    this time, future Julianna, you have found your mate, and he is an Alpha. You expected this as anything


    below an Alpha would have disappointed your family. A girl of Alpha blood must be mated to an Alpha,


    right? Anyway, you hated him. He was cruel and busy and didn''t care about you at all, remember? I


    hope you do or else none of this will makes sense to you.


    It has only been a few days and I already know this much about him. Alpha Grant. Alpha James Grant.


    I hate him. I want to leave, I want to go home to my family. Sure Dad will be furious and Mom will cry


    until she has flooded the house, but this is hell! My mother always said that being a Luna is the most


    magical thing and that she cannot wait for me to be one too, but this is not magical! I am drowning and


    they do not even know it. He is cold and cruel to me. He does not even talk to me. I am a doormat


    when he walks through the door, even if I am waiting for him with a smile. Sleeping with him is hell. He


    does not touch me, it is as if I have a disease and he has to stay as far away as possible not to catch it


    and die.


    I want to be with him. I want him to love me as much as I want to love him, but he makes it seem as if


    he finds me repulsive. I am a beautiful girl, I am of Alpha blood, I have been trained by my mother to be


    the perfect Luna, but he does not care! Not at all! I cry because I crave him. I cannot help it. I want to


    feel his body on top of mine, I want to feel his hands grabbing me, I want his lips against mine, I want


    his eyes looking into mine as he thrusts¡ª


    I stop there and I close the diary. When I leave the room, pushing the bookshelf back into ce, I take


    N?vel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive ? material.


    the diary with me and stash it in my own bookshelf in my bedroom. Not expecting anyone to snoop


    through my bedroom, I know it is safe there. I have the urge to read it throughout the rest of the day,


    thinking about this Julianna and how our lives are so simr.


    After sneaking downstairs for a light snack, I creep back up the steps. I didn''t hear any other people or


    any other movements before, so I assume Alpha Grant''s friend isn''t here tonight. This makes me


    happy, knowing I won''t have to leave the house to escape the pain.


    I am mistaken, though.


    When I enter the hall, someone is standing there, and they look back at me. It''s her. She freezes and I


    do too, not knowing what to do instead. I can''t help but hate her. She''s beautiful, something unearthly,


    something exotic and umon. Her long, ck hair curls at the ends and looks thick and soft. Her


    skin is free of any blemishes or marks, olive toned and tight. Her eyes, her eyes glow in the darkness


    like a cat''s. Green as grass and as enchanting as a spell. I can''t help but hate her.


    Her eyes scan over me, then she turns away and slips past his door as usual.


    I want to charge at those doors and burst through, shouting about how I hate him and how I want to go


    back to my family. Screaming on and on about how he can have her, about how I don''t need him.


    Yelling and crying out that I am dying here, that my body is weak and that my mind is withering away.


    I''m going to die here!


    But I don''t. I hold my tongue and enter my bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I nce


    over at the diary on my shelf, then I peer to the window. My movements are quick. I slide open the


    window, maneuver the screen out, look down at the roof below¡ªthe one that covers the porch¡ªand I


    work my way through, onto my stomach, my legs dangling down, my bottom lip between my teeth, then


    I jump.


    Ind on my feet, almost falling over and rolling off of the roof. I manage to shimmy down the post and


    jump down from the fence along the porch. I hit the grass and run around the house, heading for the


    trees that I wandered through almost a week ago.

 Chapter 8 Chapter 8

    Chapter 8


    Escaping across the borders isn''t easy, but when I get across I don''t stop running. I strip my clothes


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    and shift, hair spurting, bones moving, cracking, my jaw being remolded, paws growing, nails


    hardening, eyes changing, glowing, I be a beast. With my clothes trapped in my teeth, I run. I am


    a monster lurking through the night, I am a girl desperate to live.


    I don''t know where I am going, all I know is that I have to leave. So I am.


    By the time the sun begins to rise, I spot something in the distance, a clearing. A road. It was my first


    time on a road when I had journeyed to the Grant Pack, and seeing one again gives me hope. I hurry to


    it, making sure to shift and change beforehand just in case any carse along.


    With a racing heart, I study it. Gazing off in each direction, walking alongside it until something in the


    distance grabs my attention. A cares speeding down the road, and I hold my breath as it passes


    me. I watch it until it disappears, then my mind flourishes with new possibilities. A first, I nned on


    finding my way back home, back to my mother, but now I know that I need to follow that car.


    I shift back in the woods, hidden by a few trees but still able to see the road. I follow it for many hours


    until the sun stretches to the top of the sky¡ªenergized by the unknown. I slow down when I spot a sign


    standing a few meters from the road, and I have to leave the trees to read it. Wee to Fairview. My


    body grows warm. I don''t know what Fairview is, but I have an idea. Shifting back and slipping on my


    clothes, I walk back out to the road and stand in front of the sign. It is made of wood¡ªcorners


    damaged by the weather¡ªand the letters are dark, bold enough for the drivers to see while speeding


    by. I run my hand over the letters and look down the road. There, in the distance, I can see an outline


    of things, of buildings. My heart picks up speed.


    On a limb, I hesitantly continue down the road on foot. I know a few things about humans. I know that


    they don''t have mates. I know that they have an intricate system and not Alpha''s and Beta''s and


    Luna''s. I know that they don''t live in packs, but they live on their own, controlling their own lives. I know


    that they can be dangerous, more so than I can be. I know that they live in cities and towns with many


    buildings and houses and roads and people. The more I think about it, the more of an adrenaline rush I


    get.


    I have to blend in. I have to act how they act, but I am not sure how that is. I have seen some movies,


    but I have a feeling that movies aren''t realistic because in the movies people always end up happy.


    That can''t be realistic.


    The roades to a point where another crosses through it, then another, then they all cross through


    each other and I realize that I am getting close enough toe face to face with people. I see one in


    the distance. She is standing outside a brick building, leaning against the wall on a phone. As I near


    her I notice that she is yelling and that the building has a car painted on the side. Then in bold letters, I


    read Chuck''s Garage. I don''t know what a garage is beside one thates with a house. And


    underneath that it says: Auto Body Shop. I don''t know what an auto body shop is either, and I be


    nervous.


    Not wanting to approach the woman, I cross the street and walk on the other side. On this side, I find a


    dirt lot then a junkyard, and none of it looks pretty. As I journey down, walking as if I have no ns to


    go anywhere, I notice that the town begins toe together, more buildings and more people for me to


    dodge. A theater, a small restaurant, a green space that looks like a park. I can no longer avoid the


    people, and my hands squeeze into fists when they pass me.


    I find a boutique, and just for kicks, I wander inside. There are clothes on disy and bags and a hat


    with plenty of sparkles. I find it quite ugly, but when I look to the side I see a woman with one in her


    hands. Curious, I run my hands over long dresses and beaded jackets, not finding any of them pretty,


    but simply interesting to the touch. The dress has sequins on the bottom and when I run my fingers


    over it, the sequins flip over and show a different color.


    I leave the boutique and continue down the street, sitting on a bench when Ie up to the green


    space.


    I feel lost. I feel like I''m in a parallel universe and I don''t know how to act. Part of me yearns to go back


    andy in bed and read the diary and live out my days like so because as much as I want to be human


    right now, I''ll never be. The worrying part is that I am not sure if I can go back. If they know that I''ve left


    for human society, I''ll never be let back in, I''ll never see my mother again. What have I done? This was


    a mistake. This was a mistake and I don''t know what to do. I don''t know how to fix it.


    Panicking, I shoot up and hurry back down the street, bumping into a few people and getting groans


    and muffled curses in return. I want to apologize, I want to fit in, but I can''t think straight anymore. My


    head can''t focus on anything and before I know it, I''m leaning against the wall with the car painted on it,


    staring out at the road, trying to make my decision.


    I can try and go back, or I can stay here.


    I can''t stay here, who am I kidding? I have no money, no friends, no shelter, no purpose? But I don''t


    have a purpose back there either. At least there''s a bed and food and a shower and my books and the


    diary.


    But he''s there. Alpha Grant. My pain is there. She''s there¡ªthat beautiful woman who creeps into his


    bedroom. What am I doing? I have nowhere. That woman has my ce in that world, the space in his


    bed, in his heart, in his pack¡ªI wouldn''t be surprised if he keeps me hidden and announces her as


    Luna.


    How long have I been gone? Maybe he has already forgotten about me. Maybe he doesn''t need me to


    keep him strong after all. The sun begins to lower into the mountains and my eyes fall to my feet. I''ve


    been gone for an entire day and no one has noticed. Swallowing hard, I drift down the road as if I am


    walking towards the gates of Hell, preparing for the kiss of death. What else am I going to do?


    I could use a drink, that''s for sure. I could use my mother right now, too. Sure, she pushed me to be


    something I wasn''t, but she loved me. That I know. At least someone loved me. Sixteen-year-old me


    would be very disappointed. I''m sure she would have loved it out here in the human forest¡ªbuildings,


    people, freedom, independence¡ªit''s what she lived for. It''s all she had to look forward to.


    Another cares rushing down the street, so I move to the side and ignore it until the vehiclees


    to a halt at my side. I look up, worried, but feel the need to vomit when I see the guard¡ªTheodore¡ªin


    the front seat. "Get in," he orders, but seeing his face has me in shock.


    "H-How did you¡ª"


    "Get in!" He presses, "trust me, you''d much rather be picked up by me than one of the other guys. You


    don''t know how much trouble you''ve gotten yourself into," he rolls his eyes, "Would you get in the car."


    I step back. "No, I-I won''t."


    "Look, if one of the others get to you first, they''ll report you. Alpha Grant has a search out, and if they


    see you on human territory you''ll be shunned."


    "Why aren''t you reporting me?"


    Theodore sighs. "Just get in."


    "No. I''m staying out here," I say, unsure.


    "Trust me," he looks at me closely, "you don''t want to do that. Who knows, he might juste hunt you


    down himself."


    Iugh. "Hunt me down himself? What a joke. I''m sure he''ll forget that I''m gone sooner orter. I don''t


    know if you realized this, but that Alpha doesn''t really care for me, even if I am his mate."


    Theodore looks as if he''s growing more and more impatient. "You can get in the car or be reported.


    What will it be?"


    I nce back at the foreign town and bite my cheek. "Where are you taking me?"


    "Back to the pack house. I''ll say you were off on the other side of the pack wandering around, he


    doesn''t have to know you were on human territory."


    "And why are you doing this for me, again?"


    He motions to the seat beside him, so I climb in all to hear his exnation. As he turns the car around


    and drives off, he exins. "This maye as a surprise, me being a guard and all, but I don''t care for


    Alpha Grant either. He took an interest in my younger sister and now she''s always off with him. I don''t


    trust him with her, I mean you''re his mate. I thought as soon as he found you, that he''d let her go. Sure,


    she''d be upset but she has her own mate to find, but now she''s convinced that he loves her and that


    he''s going to make her Luna. I try to tell her it''s a bunch of bullshit, but she doesn''t listen to¡ª"


    "Your sister''s the girl that goes into his bedroom at night?" I cut in and he gives me an ufortable


    look. "Sorry," I murmur, "but. . . Well, I didn''t see thising."


    "Well, I would really appreciate it if you started ying the role of his mate so my sister can move on,"


    he says and I chuckle. "What?"


    "Did you not hear me just a second ago? I said he doesn''t care for me. He couldn''t care less, actually.


    I''m sure he''d rather be with your sister."


    Theodore rolls his eyes. "Don''t you know how Mates work? Sure, he may act like he doesn''t care for


    you, but he can''t control it. There''s a thing called the mate bond? Remember? He can''t just ignore it. I


    mean, he did send out a search for you."


    "But that''s just because he needs me around to keep him strong, you know. All I do is sit in my room all


    day. That''s all he wants me to do," I exin, trying to make him understand. "I''m sorry, I wish I could


    help that situation with your sister, but if you''d think harder you''d realize that she brings me to the brink


    of insanity. And frankly, I hate her."


    "If you''d just¡ª"


    "He doesn''t want me, alright!" I shut him up and sit back. "He doesn''t want me. You''ll have toe up


    with some other n, but I''m sure your sister is doing just fine. It''s not like he''s torturing her because


    he''s already doing that to me."


    We continue on in silence, no more questions from me, and he doesn''t mention her again.

 Chapter 9 Chapter 9

    Chapter 9


    The mate bond is his name tattooed on my heart, never toe off, to be reced or ignored. It''s his


    face and body constantly floating through my mind because I ache for him, not able to control my


    wandering thoughts. The mate bond is a curse cast upon me the moment I saw him, and it was cast


    upon him, as well. Theodore''s words linger in my head as he drops me off at the house¡ªmy excuse


    being pressed into me¡ªand I can''t help but hope. He may act like he doesn''t care for you, but he can''t


    control it.


    Alpha Grant can''t control the mate bond, like me. He may be an Alpha, but he is no God. Even if he


    acts like he doesn''t think once about me or care how I am doing, he can''t control it, he can''t help it. He


    must think about me just as I think about him. It''s in the bond, my name is tattooed on his heart


    whether he likes it or not. But this is where I could get my hopes up.


    I make my way up the porch steps and through the door, not expecting even a ''wee home'', but I


    am wrong. When I have the door open hardy an inch, I smell him, that intoxicating cologne that seeps


    into my skin and toys with my emotions. I pause, but I know it is toote to run off, he''s there, he''s seen


    the door open, he knows I''m on the other side. Before I can force myself to push the door open the rest


    of the way, jumping off the bridge, a force swings it open, almost taking me with it. He''s impatient.


    I peer up and find him standing in front of me like a statue of a king, his hypnotic eyes staring down at


    me like a roadblock on his pathway to happiness. I shrink under his gaze, already feeling myck of


    speeching on again.


    "Where did you go?" He asks, his voice firm and unforgiving.


    I look up at him with big eyes, gazing like a deer in headlights, waiting to be hit. "I-I. . ." Speak, Rae.


    Speak! "I was on the, uh, other side of the pack."


    He must think that I think he''s stupid because he gives me a look that says ''I know you''re lying.'' The


    mate bond inside of me tugs and my throat runs dry. "I''ll ask again," Alpha Grant says, "where were


    you today?"


    I peer down, confused, and before I can stop myself the words are spilling out, "Why ask when you


    don''t really care to know?" And while I''m brave I blurt, "I want to go home." He says nothing before


    moving back, letting me enter, but I am not sure if he truly wants me to. I walk inside, hesitant, and I


    turn to face him again. "I''m dying here, and the worst part is that you know I am and you''re letting me."


    A breath escapes him. "You''re dramatic."


    I suck in a breath. "You''re cruel. So cruel. I went across the borders, that''s where I was all day." And


    with that, I head for the stairs and storm to my bedroom like a child. Once inside, I m the door and


    fall back against it, fighting the urge to pound my fists against it. Needing an escape, I go to grab my


    iPod off of the bedside table, only it isn''t there, then I turn to the shelf, and my books are gone. I panic


    and see that the phone I took from the living room is missing as well.


    I run out of my room into the hall, my eyes shooting down the stairs to see him standing at the bottom


    with his arms crossed. "What did you do," I ask carefully.


    "Don''t ever go near the borders again," he says before walking off towards the kitchen.


    I fly down the steps yelling, "What did you do with my things! What did you do!" I grab his arm, causing


    him to turn back to me, and if I wasn''t in a rage of fury, I would gush about the sensations the


    connection gave. "You can''t take my stuff. Give me my stuff."


    He pulls away from my weak hold. "Who do you think you are?"


    I have nothing left to lose. "I am nothing. You''ve made me nothing, I get it, okay? But the music and my


    books, my mom, it''s all I have."


    "It looks like you have nothing, then."


    I clench my jaw and fight back the tears. People with nothing are dangerous. They are willing to go the


    extra mile. I move past him into the kitchen to find Gail washing vegetables, she smiles at me and says


    ''hello, Rae'' but I am on a mission. I can feel his eyes on me as I slide open drawers, then I take out the


    biggest knife I see. Gail stops. "Rae, what are you doing with that. Here, give me that before you hurt


    yourself." But his eyes stay fixated on me.


    "Give me my things," I say calmly, but he only looks amused.


    "What are you going to do?" He asks, ying along. "Kill me?"


    A shortugh escapes me. "No," then I lift the knife to my neck, "now give me my things."


    "Rae," Gail shouts, "put that down!"


    Alpha Grant looks amused. "You''re going to kill yourself over some books?"


    If I have one thing left, it''s this curse of a bond, so I might as well prove to him that he can''t ignore it. So


    I press the de against my skin. "Maybe."


    He sighs, so I pull it across my skin a tad, the skin of my neck tugging with it. "Gail, take it from her."


    Gail moves towards me, but I step back, pressing harder. "If you want me to stop, then you''ll have to


    take it yourself." She pauses and looks at him, and he doesn''t look amused any longer. I press harder.


    "This is ridiculous. Put down the knife."


    "Yes," Gail joins him, "put down the knife, dear."


    I repeat, "If you want me to stop, then you''ll have to take it yourself."


    Alpha Grant strides towards me and grips the knife, his fingers brushing against my neck. He takes it


    from me and sets it down beside me on the counter, and as he''s leaned forward he says, "you''re not


    getting a thing back."


    I watch him intensely as he nces to Gail then turns to the door. I stare at his back before he


    vanishes into the house, swallowed by its hidden hallways and shelved-off rooms. Gail turns to me.


    "Now what was that about! Don''t you do that again!"


    "Sorry," I say, a fire ignited inside of me, feeding off of his reaction. As much as he wants to feel nothing


    for me, he can''t help it, I know that now. I know that.


    Later in the night, I find myself sitting on the stairs at exactly the time Alpha Grant is in his bedroom¡ª


    hidden away over a boundary I don''t dare to cross¡ªand exactly the time shees for her over-night


    visit. I believe that he thinks I''ve lost my mind, so I might as well lose it.


    I thought about grabbing a bottle from the odd cab to amuse myself while I wait, but I thought it best


    if I''m not drunk while this happens. I need her to be afraid of me and no one is afraid of a crying loser.


    When I hear the front door open, I straighten up. As expected, shees sneaking across the foyer


    and towards the stairs. When she appears in front of me, I suck in a breath and puff up my chest, ready


    to wave my arms around as if I''m scaring off a bear. She stops abruptly and stares down at me, waiting


    for my response. "Leave," I say strongly, "go home."


    An eyebrow raises on her beautiful face.


    I stand up. "Your brother, Theodore, wants you to stoping here at night," partly him and mostly me,


    "so you better go home. People with nothing are dangerous." I smile sweetly.


    She looks ufortable, and she speaks. "Only Alpha Grant can tell me what to do." Her voice is soft,


    soothing almost, like a baby animal¡ªtoo young to know what''s good, like me.


    "Alpha Grant is my Mate. Now go."


    Her face drops, her once wless features now overcast by disappointment. She looks down, saying


    nothing, and she turns back to the door, and just before it closes I swear that I hear a quiet sob. I


    swallow, locking the door. Theodore said she would be hurt, wee to the party.


    My eyes peer up to the stairs, paranoid that Alpha Grant may be watching me, but there is no one


    there. Was that too easy? She''ll approach him about it, I know that. I have nothing to lose. I have


    nothing to lose. I have nothing to lose.


    In my bedroom, I sit down, frustrated that I can''t listen to music. The shelf is empty but I see something


    wonderful, the diary, it''s still there. He didn''t take it. I grab it, feeling it with my fingers to make sure it is


    real, flipping through pages fast enough to fan myself. Her words are there, months of entries. My


    entertainment for now. I change my clothes first, gettingfortable, not able to find my purple pajama


    shirt from my mother, only the bottoms.


    Once in bed, I turn to the next entry.


    September 26th, 1991


    I tried to interest him today. I wore my nice pajamas and walked out of the bathroom when I heard him


    nice, I looked lovable, but of course, he didn''t want to love me. He didn''t say a word, not one. Not even


    goodnight.


    I am in the bathroom now with the door locked, writing this because I cannot sleep. I don''t know what to


    do. I could hardly sleep muchst night either. I help the maids cook, but I hardly feel like eating. I feel


    empty inside. The only thing I have to look forward to is my visit back home in two weeks. I''ll see my


    mother and father, even little John.


    I found out that Alpha Grant''s first name is James. One of the maids told me and it made me feel


    better. I like knowing things about him, and I''m sure he would have never told me himself. I was mated


    to a man whose first name I didn''t know. It sounds sad when I read it back. I feel sad. I speak with my


    mother over the phone and at first, I was telling her about his distancing, but now I can''t help but tell


    her things are getting better. She''s happy for me. It doesn''t make me feel better, though. It''s all lies. I


    have resorted to lying.


    I''ll go andy in bed again. The only time I can touch him is when he''s asleep, and I''ll stroke his cheek


    or press my hand to his if I can. I''m always scared that he''ll wake, but I need a connection, I need


    something.

 Chapter 10 Chapter 10

    Chapter 10


    In the morning when he''s gone off to do whatever an Alpha does, I near his bedroom doors hesitantly


    as if the ghosts of the people he''s in are pushing me towards them. My hand grips the handle but I


    let go as if it is coated in silver. He might kill me if he catches me in here. Okay, I know he won''t kill me,


    but the man still frightens me, and he takes away things I love. He may just kill my mother if he catches


    me in here, but I grip the handle again and push down, letting the door pull me inside with it.


    It''s cold inside and dark. I feel for the light-switch, then I press them all down, the room dimly


    brightening up, just enough for me to move around. The windows are covered by thick curtains and I


    don''t bother to move them.


    His scent is everywhere. It''s sneaking up my legs, running its hands through my hair, kissing my lips,


    and pulling down my underwear. His scent ys with me and begs me toey down, but I try to


    ignore the hypnotic smell and continue on with what I came in here to do. My things. I''ve searched the


    house for theming up empty handed¡ªso I''ve decided that they must be in here, hidden off in a


    drawer or stuffed in the closet.


    I breathe in, making a great mistake. The air, tainted by his everything, floods throughout my body and


    rubs up against me. The air wraps around my arms and leads me towards the bed. I stand before the


    dark bedding and milky white sheets like a woman walking across the scaffold. I reach out and run my


    palms over the nket¡ªmy mind going wild, drifting off to exotic ces. How Julianna slept in her


    mate''s bed and didn''t beg for him makes me praise her. Just touching the sheets makes my hands


    shake. All the things I convinced myself I could live without. . . I need them now. I want them.


    Like a dead woman lying in her grave, I fall against the bed and let the sheets wrap around my ankles,


    holding me down. I want to be naked in this bed. I can''t help it. Every part of my body wants this¡ªthe


    bond bringing me to such desires, a virgin in the sheets of sex. My hands reach out and grab onto


    whatever they can snatch, my right gripping bedding and my left feeling a pillow. I drag the pillow to my


    body¡ªhis lips have touched this pillow¡ªbut looking beyond, I freeze. My heart stops.


    In the sea of white in the heart of the bed, a splotch of purple sticks out like a beacon. I sit up in all my


    glory and take the piece of fabric into my hands, knowing it very well. This is my pajama top, the one I


    couldn''t findst night, the one I slept in the night before. It smells like me, the scent slicing through the


    addiction that is his.


    He took it from my bedroom and now it is in his bed. A deep, wonderful sensations spread throughout


    me. He needs me. He needs me enough to keep my clothes in his bed. I don''t understand. Why does


    he hate me if he needs me? Does he hate needing me? It''s back to this, isn''t it?


    I''m just not good enough.


    He has her because I''m not good enough. I''m not pretty enough, not captivating enough, not sexy


    enough, not enough. It''s not that he doesn''t want a Mate¡ªmaybe he does, just not me. It''s back to this.


    It''s my fault. It''s my fault I''m not good enough. If only I were like the other girls, right? If only I were


    them. If only I brushed my hair every morning and wore tight clothes and acted properly and starved


    and wore makeup and... But even then, I couldn''t change my face, or the size of my breasts, or the


    thickness of my hair, or the color of my eyes, or the sound of my voice.


    I feel my throat closing up.


    I bet he makes her wear the top, pretending that the scent ising from her instead. I can make her


    leave, I can hold her from him, but that doesn''t make me any more desirable.


    I have to leave. I have to get out of this room.


    Hurrying for the door¡ªrunning from his everything¡ªI m the doors shut and bolt to my room, leaning


    my forehead against the wood once my door is shut. I beat my fists against the door and swing away


    from it facing the room with hatred. My hands tear down the bookshelf while sobs of fury erupt from


    within. It collides with the floor, and once I start, I can''t stop. Bedding is torn from the bed,mps are


    thrown to the floor, the desk is swiped clean and the chair is thrown across the room. I am a raging


    monster, destroying all my eyese upon.


    When I''m finished, I sit on the floor, in the middle of it all, shaking.


    Gailes barging in and her eyes widen at the sight of it all. "What on earth? What have you done!"


    She looks at me then hurries towards me.


    "I can''t live like this," I murmur, "I can''t live like this. I can''t live like this. I can''t live like this," my voice


    growing louder, "I can''t live like this. I can''t live like this. I can''t live like this! I can''t! I can''t!"


    She grabs onto me. "What''s wrong? What''s happened? What happened? What happened, Rae?"


    "I''ll never be her. I''ll never be her!" I cry, "I''ll never be her!"


    "I''m getting the Alpha," Gail says, but Itch onto her.


    "You can''t. You can''t get him. Please, don''t! Don''t get him!"


    "You''re having a mental breakdown," she grabs me, trying to make me understand, "I''m getting help."


    "I have to go." I stand up and wander to the door. "I can''t be here. I have to leave. I can''t live like this."


    I wander down the stairs and lose sight of Gail. My feet take me to the odd cab but it''s locked and I


    can''t open it and I be frustrated and desperate. I turn towards the small library, but the nob won''t


    turn. The house seems to shrink with me inside, so I stagger outside and gaze up at the sun.


    "Are you alright?"


    I look down to see a familiar face, it''s his Beta, Will. He nears me and I step back. "Can you help me? I


    n-need to go home. I live at the Waters Pack."


    He looks confused, then I notice Alpha Granting this way in the distance. "You''re going home?


    What for?" The Beta asks, but I continue to back away, not wanting to see Alpha Grant, but he''s


    already seen me. The air leaves my lungs and they shrivel.


    All content ? N/.?vel/Dr/ama.Org.


    I look back at the house and Gail is in the doorway. In a panic, I run around the house and head for the


    only other ce I feel safe. I need to get past the borders. I have to get off of this territory. The trees


    engulf me and I hurry past them while continuously looking back, fearing him. Ie close and I hear


    the guards. "You''re too close to the borders, turn back."


    I keep going.


    "Hey! I said turn back!" I look to the side and see two men quickly approaching me. I can''t breathe.


    They swiftly move in front of me, and I struggle to find my next move. "Are you alright?"


    "You need to let me past," I breathe out.


    They look amused. "We can''t do that. It''s dangerous out there. A girl like you wouldn''tst a night with


    those rogues."


    "P-Please. I need to go home." I look back again, and I see him just beyond the trees with his Beta.


    "Please."


    "I''m sorry. You should go back before we have to move you back," he says.


    "Look. I''m going to die here, please," I look back again, my heart racing, he''s in the trees. "Please,


    please, you have to help me. I have to go home."


    They must see Alpha Grant in the distance because they straighten up and one of them grabs me,


    holding my arm tight like a troublesome child. "Alpha," they greet him, and I bite my tongue.


    "What have you got here?" He asks, his voice ying my heart like a violin. I hate it. I want to scream.


    "Some girl trying to cross the borders. Says she wants to go home."


    "Really?" He says and looks down at me with harsh eyes. I avoid his gaze and I can''t help but cry


    quietly to myself. I''m so tired¡ªso very tired. "I''ll take her from here."


    "Are you sure?" One of the guards asks.


    "I''m sure."


    Before they hand me over, I beg, "Please don''t. Please don''t. Please. Please." Alpha Grant grabs my


    arm and the other frees me. "Let go of me. I hate you! I hate you!" The guards look surprised and


    confused, expecting a reaction out of their Alpha over my words.


    "Got a mouth on this one," he says. "Let''s go."


    Alpha Grant takes me back to the house, and somewhere along the way Will disappears. When we get


    inside, Gail isn''t in sight, and I don''t want to be alone with him. He lets me go once he closes the front


    door, and I lean against the wall, desperate forfort, for something good. "Please, just tell me why


    I''m here," I say, looking up at him. "I don''t understand why you''re doing this to me."


    He nears me, walking slow. "What am I doing to you?"


    I want to run to him and pound at his chest. I want to scream and yell about her and about my things


    and about my top in his bed. I want to cry because I''m not good enough and I''m being punished for it,


    but I look directly into his eyes and say, "do you know what you''re doing to me? Do you? Do you know


    how it feels? I see her almost every night. Do you know what that does to a person?" His eyes watch


    me closely. "But you don''t care, do you? You don''t care how I feel, or how I drink, or how I sit in the


    backyard while she''s here just so I don''t have to hear it. If your goal was to make me feel useless and


    unworthy, then you''ve done that, okay? I don''t deserve this. Sorry if I was a disappointment, but no one


    deserves this. If you want her, fine," saying makes my chest grow tight, "all I ask is that you reject me.


    Don''t make me watch."


    There is a moment of silence, and just before I think he is going to say something, Willes through


    the front door, immediately destroying the moment and setting me back. I thought he was going to give


    me some rity.


    Alpha Grant turns to him as if all of those words never left my lips. As they begin to talk about some


    pack rted issue, I sink back into the house and vanish without one nce from him.

 Chapter 11 Chapter 11

    Chapter 11


    October 17th, 1991


    I was in the bathst night and thought about drowning myself, then I realized that my body would


    never let that happen so grabbed my razor from the shower and broke it to get at one of the des. I


    sat in the bath and repeatedly pressed it against my skin, but I was too scared of death to go through


    with it. I hid the broken razor under the cab where the little slot at the top leaves just enough room


    to hold it. He''d never see it. The only reason I found the slot was because I was looking hard enough. It


    is there with the de, and I know I should not keep it, but it is nice to know that I have a way out.


    It has gotten worse. I never want to go outside anymore, and when I try to get dressed and look nice,


    everything I put on makes me upset because I hate everything I own. I sit in the bedroom when James


    is gone, and when he''s back I sit in the library. No one ever goes in the library so I have made it my


    little ce.


    October 23rd, 1991


    I am in the bathroom again. James is sleeping. I had to write something about this down because I


    cannot think straight. We had sex. Just two hours ago. I did not provoke him like before, I was not


    dressed nice or asking for it like before. Actually, I hadpletely let it go for a few weeks and this


    came as a surprise. He did not ask me if I wanted to because he knew that I had tried before. I could


    not tell if he wanted to or not, which is what had me in distress. It may have been a job for him. The


    thought of being pregnant makes me sad.


    It felt good. I closed my eyes and imagined that he was enjoying himself and that made me feel better.


    He did notin or anything like that. It had to feel good for him too.


    Maybe a baby is what we need. Maybe a baby will bring us together. He cannot hate me if I''m creating


    his child, can he? I do not think so. I think this will make him happy. I will hope for it then, a child. I will


    hope even harder for a boy even if I had always thought of having a girl. He needs to know that I can


    do this job well. I can provide what he needs. I will check the library tomorrow for any books on


    pregnancy and childcare. I will be good at this.


    I set the diary to the side and get up from my bed. Brokenmps were swiped up, bookshelves were


    picked up, things were back to normal besides the shattered ones. Alpha Grant is gone, so I make my


    way down the hall and into his bedroom. There''s his scent again, but I power through it and venture


    into the bathroom. It too is dark. The tiles in the shower are dark, the counter is a dark granite, and the


    towels are a deep grey. I open the cab under the first sink and feel around the top, but there''s


    nothing, so I go to the next and feel for the slot, and I find it. My heart races as I take something out, a


    razor, a broken one. How? How could it still be there?


    I study it and remember that there is the stray de, but when I stick my hand back in to feel for it, I


    find nothing else. My heart drops. What had Julianna done with the stray de?


    I back out of the cab and lean against the wall, my legs sticking straight out ahead of me as I sit


    quietly. She sat in this bathroom, and I wonder where. I look down at the razor and squeeze it. The two


    des are rusted terribly and the stic has gone brown. The part where she had broken it is gone.


    I will take the razor and ce it under my sink.


    It should be with me just like the diary. He does not deserve to have it here¡ªnot that he knows of it¡ªit


    belongs with me, I understand her. He''s just like his father, isn''t he? You''d think he''d learn from past


    mistakes.


    I hear someoneing up the stairs, and I freeze. Before I can decide on what to do, his bedroom


    doors open and I know that I am found. My scent must stick out like neon on ck in here. Looking


    down at my hand, I stick the razor back in the slot just as the bathroom door opens and the cab


    door closes. Alpha Grant stands before me silent at first as if he''s waiting to hear my excuse. I am in


    his bedroom. Oh, Goddess. There''s noing back from this, is there? He''s going to kill my mother.


    He looks angry, and my voice disappears. "Why are you in here?" He asks in his Alpha tone.


    What do I say? That I went to the hidden library, stole likely his mother''s diary, then came searching for


    the razor she nearly killed herself with? I swallow.


    "I know you were in here before," he says, catching me off guard, "youid in my bed."


    My cheeks flush and I want to curl up in the corner. What am I supposed to say? "I-I came to get my


    things."


    "And you assumed your things were in my bed?"


    My eyes harden. "One of my things were, actually."


    Alpha Grant crosses his arms. "And what would that have been?"


    I stand up and push past him, excited to prove him wrong. I grab the sheets and push them back,


    picking up the first pillow, then the next, then I push back the covers some more, then I toss the pillows


    to the other side of the bed. "You moved it. You knew that I found it, so you moved it," I say usingly


    while turning back to him.


    He looks amused by my embarrassment. "So you found what? A book? And you left it here after you


    found it? And now you''re back again looking through the bathroom for more things?"


    He makes me sound crazy. "You know what it was. It was my shirt. You look my shirt from my bedroom


    and had it under the pillows. I saw it."


    "But you didn''t take it? You left this shirt on my bed?"


    I near him. "Stop it. Stop making me sound like I''m crazy. I know what I saw, and I know that you can''t


    help yourself. No matter how hard you try, you''ll never be able to get over me. That''s how Mates work. I


    know how Mates work. You can pretend all you want. You can make me feel like nothing all you want,


    but that''s not going to change the way you react to me, to my scent, to my touch, to my everyth¡ª"


    Suddenly, Alpha Grant grabs me and pushes me against the wall, his body radiating anger. The air


    escapes my lungs as I hit the wall, and he ces his hands beside my shoulders, trapping me in.


    "Why can''t you understand that I don''t want you," he says harshly, "why can''t you understand that?"


    "Why do you keep me here then! Why am I here!" He jerks me, grabbing my shoulders, almost shaking


    me to understand. My head hits the wall bluntly and I wince, my hand nursing my wound. He knows


    he''s hurt me and he lets go. "Why are you doing this? Why?"


    Alpha Grant grabs me again, and this time not from anger. Before I can register what''s happening, he


    brings his lips down to mine and kisses me. My body can''t help but react in its desired ways, but after a


    couple seconds, I push him away. I look up at him, wanting to continue badly, wanting him to grab me


    again and bring me to his bed. My lips tingle and burn with pleasure and my mind conjures up all of the


    other ways his lips can touch me.


    He looks hungry, but I can''t tell if it''s for my body or for my flesh. This hated desire swells between us,


    but before it can suffocate me, I rush out the door and do not look back. I know if I go back in there, I''ll


    try something that I''ll never forgive myself for.


    Once in my bedroom, I closed the door and slide to the ground, needing to catch my breath. My body is


    triggered by him¡ªI got a taste, and now the possible sensations won''t leave me alone. I want to feel


    everything. I want him to do everything to me. It''s the bond¡ªthat''s what I have to keep telling myself¡ª


    it''s the bond doing this. My body grows hot so I run a cold shower and force myself in. I sit on the floor


    and lean against the ss wall.


    Frustrated, I feel like an animal in heat. I am the unmated Queen.


    I find myself whining. I want it so bad. I want to stop, I don''t want to feel these ways, but I can''t help it.


    He''s the Alpha. I want the Alpha so bad I am to the point of whining for it. Who is like this? Who does


    this? What''s wrong with me? I let the cold water run down every part of my body, and this seems to


    help. I was burning for it. I was almost to the point of running back down to him and pushing him onto


    his own bed. At one point my mind drifts to the sensation of it¡ªhow bad I want to feel it. How bad I


    want it. How bad. How bad. How bad of me.


    He kissed me. Alpha Grant kissed me, and no matter how much I want to hate him, he will always


    affect me like this. Such actions will always do this to me.


    I just want him to give me some rity. I just want to know why.


    Alpha Grant


    I remember the day my mother died. I was young. My father told me to wait in my bedroom while she


    was taken from the bathtub. Noises came through the door as my father led two men into their


    bedroom, into the bathroom where her dead body was. They carried her out¡ªI heard theme down


    the hall¡ªand an hourter one of the house workers came to get me for dinner like nothing had


    happened.


    I told the woman, Theresa, to wait for me downstairs because I wanted to change my clothes. When


    she was gone I went into my parent''s bathroom and stared into the tub as if it was a gateway to hell.


    The water was marbled with her blood and slowly turned to a pool of unearthly ruby. I stepped in and


    sat down in the mixture of my mother and the bathwater until Theresa found me and pulled me out. I


    remember the water was warm and reeked of iron.


    Yearster my father told me that Mates make you weak. He told me that he''d made the mistake of


    letting my mother in, but once he did, he had set himself up for ruin. He told me that Mates die, and


    once they do, you die with them.


    My father told me to never have a Mate. He told me this until he died a year after I took over the pack.


    Once she brought the knife to her neck, I knew she was like my mother, I knew she would ruin me. She


    All content ? N/.?vel/Dr/ama.Org.


    is just like her. My mother was emotional, dramatic, beautiful, depressed, loving, defensive and testing


    when needed. My father gave in, that was his mistake.


    She tested me today¡ªshe is always testing me¡ªand I almost lost it.


    I could give in like my father. I could love her, I could really love her. But it is toote. If I let her in now,


    the past would repeat itself. My father treated my mother like I am treating her, in the beginning. Then


    he gave in, but she was still broken from the time before, she was mentally tainted from the distancing


    and reject. In the end, she died because of what happened before my father let her in.


    I have tainted her. It is toote. She will always be broken if I keep her. If I let her in now, I will lose her.


    I need to set her free, she needs to heal, but something inside of me can''t. I can''t let her go. I am


    selfish.

 Chapter 12 Chapter 12

    Chapter 12


    In the morning, Alpha Grant is gone, so I leave my bedroom and head to the kitchen for breakfast. Gail


    N?vel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive ? material.


    and Theresa are there, and I sit with them at the small table. Gail had already whipped something up,


    and she sets the te in front of me only two seconds after I take a seat. "What is Alpha Grant''s first


    name?" I ask and they both give me odd looks.


    "You don''t know?" Theresa asks.


    "He hasn''t told me."


    "It''s James, after his father," Gail says.


    I nod. How perfect. "How long have you two been at the pack house?"


    "I''ve been for five years, and Theresa has been here forever."


    Theresa smiles. "I''ve been since James was a young one."


    Curiosity gets the best of me, and I can''t help but ask, "What was James like as a child?" It feels odd to


    call Alpha Grant, James. It feels as if I am ying Julianna and him, his father.


    "He was quiet. Never had a sibling. Sadly his mother passed away before she had another, yet I don''t


    know if it was in the books for the two. He observed a lot. He would observe people very closely, yet


    hardly ever spoke a word. Odd child, but he grew up eventually. They all do," Theresa shares. "He''s


    be a good Alpha, that''s for sure. He''s taken after his father. Both strong leaders."


    I nod again.


    She has stoppeding by at night ever since I had told her to leave that one time. I wonder if she''d


    gone to James about it, but if she had I''d never know anyway. I''m d she''s gone. It helps me sleep.


    My trips to the liquor cab and into the woods seem to be over, due to that.


    I''ve spoken to my mother and she continues to press me about visiting, but I continue to tell her that I


    am simply too busy learning about Luna duties. She tells me about the pack and how things are going


    well. She says that she can bring more of my things from the house when she visits, and I sigh. I wish


    she could visit. I''ve missed her.


    After James kissed me and after I sat in the shower, Iid in bed until my body gave up and dozed off.


    It took too long, and when I managed to fall asleep it didn''tst. I was woken by noisesing from


    down the hall¡ªnothing sexual¡ªso I peeked out my door, spying through the crack. I saw James


    leaving his bedroom and going downstairs to do who knows what. I heard the front door open, then I


    knew he went outside somewhere. It was two in the morning, so I thought there had been a pack issue.


    I have so many things to ask him, yet I know he won''t answer one. I don''t know what to think after he


    kissed me. I don''t know what''s going on in his head. He is like a closed book with no words¡ªI couldn''t


    read him if I tried, though I do wonder if he watches me, if he observes me. I wonder what he has


    learned from that.


    * * *


    I have to leave. I know I have to leave. It will hurt. I will want toe back just to see his face again,


    but I can''t. I can nevere back here. I have to fight myself¡ªlike quitting a drug. No matter how


    much I want it, I can never return. I can never have him.


    When Jameses homete at night, I sneak from my bed and begin to gather my things. I will have


    to leave my books and music behind, but that is the least of my worries. Last time I was lucky, no


    rogues came on my path, but I am not so sure this time. Getting past the borders is difficult enough,


    and I am no fighter. When the guard mentioned that I wouldn''tst a night out there... Is it really worth


    it? Is this worth dying over? No. I don''t want to die in the middle of the woods and rot until someone


    stumbles upon my decaying body.


    Maybe the rogues aren''t violent. Maybe I am overreacting, but with James leaving in the middle of the


    night and Will constantlying with issues, I can''t help but think there has been an influx of rogues in


    the area. That guard was smart enough to warn me, too. Maybe I should stay.


    I drop my things and sit down on my bed, not sure what to do. Where would I even go? Back to that


    town? Back to my pack? I''m not sure how to get back there. I''ll die in the forest alone, by rogues or by


    goddess knows what lurks in there. I can''t defend myself like that, I''ve never had to survive on my own.


    There are too many things pushing against me. Leaving alone is no longer an option, but what if I get


    help. That guard, Theodore, maybe he can help me. He said himself that he doesn''t care for Alpha


    Grant either.


    I don''t know where to find him, and I shouldn''t do anything drastic now.


    Maybe a guard at the borders can help me. Maybe if I find just one who understands they''ll tell me if it''s


    safe out there or not. Knowing is better than not knowing.


    I should ask now before James wakes up and before Theresa and Gaile in the morning. I''m given


    the most time at night. The guards do not know that I am their Alphas Mate, so worstes to worst


    they''ll tell me to back off and I will. I have to prepare myself. This is smart, I know it is. I''m going to do


    something good for myself, and once I''m done I''lle back here and make my decision whether it''s


    safe to leave at this time or if I should wait a month or two. This is smart. This is good.


    The midnight air steals away the heat from my face, sharp against my cheeks as I feel the tip of my


    nose growing numb. I should have grabbed a coat, but I don''t expect to be out here for long. It''s just a


    simple question. Has there been an influx of rogues? Could you tell me?


    I join the trees and once I get close, I call out to warn them of my presence. "Excuse me? Is anyone


    over here?" I walk farther and watch my feet, making sure I don''t fall. "Hello? Are there any guards?"


    Then I hear the wonderful, familiar calling, "You''re too close to the borders. Go back."


    I follow the voice blindly. "Actually, I''m looking for a guard to help me. I''ve been wondering about the


    rogues in the areately and¡ª"


    A man suddenly appears. "I''m sorry, but you have to go back. The borders are not safe."


    "Not safe? Because of the rogues? Or just because you want me to leave?"


    His eyes look off into the distance, into the deep forest as if he is watching for someone. "Go back.


    Now. This is an order."


    I nod. "Okay. I''m going."


    This was rushed, I feel it. I can''t just panic for a moment ande running to the borders like I have


    everything all figured out. It''s the kiss¡ªI can''t stop thinking about it, about the way it felt, about how he


    grabbed me and made me feel so good in just a sh. He''s dangerous. A man who hurts me then


    pleases me so easily is dangerous.


    A guard calling in the distance makes me nce back over my shoulder, but I cannot decipher what he


    said.  Ipletely turn around and contemte going back, but a sudden, deep growling sound from


    behind me causes my entire being to stop.


    My eyes stare down at a protruding tree root as I attempt to grasp what could be behind me. Then


    there''s another throaty, beast-like noise and my body squeezes into itself. I feel the need to scream, but


    my throat swells closed. Like a rabbit hunted by a wolf, I slowly turn back around, hardly feeling the


    beating of my heart anymore. I see a dark thing. I smell blood, the iron stench that everyone knows. My


    eyes focus as the dark thing bes arge wolf standing only meters in front of me. Immediately, my


    mind goes to the frightening void that is death.


    The beast lurks forward and with each step it takes, I stumble back. My eyes switch rapidly from the


    wolf to the body-like thing behind him to the dimming trees, begging internally that someone appears.


    The wolf is toorge. It''s too strong. Shifted or not, it will kill me. I have never nned on fighting for my


    life, and now I wish that I would have at least thought of what I would do in such a scenario from time to


    time. "Please," I whisper, "don''t." Adrenaline pulsates through me and I think about running.


    Before I can make a decision, a brown thing pounces at the dark thing, and I hurry back as they blend


    together, tumbling and snapping. I begin to run towards the house until my eye catches another dark


    coated thing lingering in the brush. Running in a different direction, feeling surrounded, I stumble upon


    a dead thing and feel my stomach bubbling up. Without time to process that there is a dead wolf lying


    at my feet, another nearby growling jumps at me.


    I shut my mouth and peer up at the Moon, then I lift half of the lifeless wolf and crawl underneath it,


    pushing myself until most of my body is covered. Believing that the overpowering smell of rogue and


    blood will cover my scent, I stay put, feeling the blood of the creature soaking into my clothes, into my


    skin, and washing through my hair. I didn''t notice how much blood had poured from him until it drips


    down over my sealed lips. Between a dead beast and dirt, I can''t help but sob softly to myself.


    I hear things all around me, and I do not know if they are guards, rogues, or something else. After a few


    minutes, I watch as a light colored wolf moves past me, it''s paws only feet from my hidden face.


    This is how it is for me, right? No matter what I do, the result is never in my favor. Nothing can go right.


    The Moon Goddess hates me, I know that now, I really know it.


    The weight of the wolf makes it hard to breathe, but I stay lodged underneath it until the noises lessen


    to hardly anything. My eyes open and close and open and close, and I cannot tell if I am falling asleep


    or dying. The night air taunts me with its freshness as the stench of flesh fogs my mind. I am not cold,


    though. The body on top of me and its warmed blood wraps around me like a shallow bath. I begin to


    dream of my shower.


    After what seems like hours, the blood has cooled, and I grow restless. Thankfully, non-threatening


    sounds grow close and three guards appear in the trees, heading towards the body, likelying to


    collect and rid of it. I feel a need tough and cry at the same time. "I''m here," I shout, "I''m under it!"


    They speed up, looking confused until they notice my feet and hand sticking out, my hand waving to


    grab their attention. "Are you injured?" One asks, the tallest of the three.


    "No, just, just get me out! Get it off, please!"


    Two men roll the beast off of me as the other helps me up. My legs are numb along with my behind,


    and they shake and wobble like a child learning to walk. I use the guard to stable myself. "Why were


    you underneath a rogue? Did it fall on you?"


    I re up at the tall one who seems to be in charge. "What the hell happened? Why were there rogues


    over the border! I hid underneath it so I wouldn''t die! Goddess, how long have I been under there?"


    "There was an incident at one of the posts. Arge group of rogues came out of nowhere, some got in,"


    he exins, finally, someone giving me a taste of information. "It took a few hours to secure the area


    and the post. I''m assuming you were trapped for longer than needed. We''ve been disposing of bodies


    for a while. We burn them, it takes time."


    Still gripping onto one of the other two, I look up at him, no longer wanting information. My clothes reek


    of guts, my skin is thered in a rogues blood, and if I do not get into a shower in two minutes I may


    just lose it. "Alright. I''m fine from here," I tell them, letting go of the guard''s arm and straying towards


    the pack house.


    "You were under a dead rogue for hours," the leader calls to me, though I haven''t made it far, "we


    should see you home, call a doctor."


    I look back, exhausted. "I''m Alpha Grant''s Mate. I''m sure the house workers will help me."


    Before I turn back around, walking slowly to the house, I catch a glimpse of the leaders face. From


    what I saw, the man looked ill.

 Chapter 13 Chapter 13

    Chapter 13


    I must look like something straight out of a nightmare, because when I attempt to open the door, I


    realize it is locked, and suddenly Gail peeks through the drawn curtains and shrieks. The curtains slip


    closed and I knock again. "Gail! It''s me! Rae?" I call to her, "I''m fine, just let me in."


    Shees through the sliver in the curtains again, shouting through the ss of the window. "Rae?


    Dear Goddess! What on earth happened¡ª"


    "Will you please open the door?" I interrupt and wait the few seconds until the lock clicks and Gail


    swings the door open, her eyes wider than I''ve ever seen them¡ªand I''ve held a knife to my neck. "I


    should exin," I say, attempting to get inside, but she blocks me.


    "Is that your blood?"


    ? N?velDrama.Org - All rights reserved.


    "No," I say, wanting to get inside, but she blocks me again.


    "You''ll track blood in the house," she says wearily before lighting up with more questions. "Were you


    out there at that rogue incident? Is that why you''re covered in blood? I''ll call the doctor. Alpha Grant is


    by the border post, but I''ll send someone to get him. Come in. Come in. Where are you hurt? It looks


    like everywhere."


    I follow her into the living room where the phone is. "I''m not, well I was under a dead wolf, but I''m not


    actually hurt. It''s just rogue blood."


    She stops and looks back at me. "You were what?"


    "I''ll exin if you''ll let me."


    She nods. "Just let me get the Alpha."


    I grab the phone before she can. "No. Don''t. I said I''m not hurt."


    "You''re soaked in another man''s blood. You look like Carrie. You said something about being stuck.


    Now give me the phone."


    "Gail, please. Let me exin first?"


    She groans. "Alright."


    I sit down at the small table in the kitchen while Gail grabs a dish towel and runs it under the sink,


    ringing it out, then sitting down beside me. She brings the cloth to my face and rubs at the blood


    smeared on me. "Goddess, Rae. It''s dried on you."


    I exin and she rubs. "I went to go ask a guard about the unimednd and it just happened to be


    during this whole attack thing. Long story short rogues were all around me and I didn''t know what to do.


    I saw this dead wolf justying there so," Gail cringes, "I hid under it. It was so heavy. Plus, I took them


    hours until they found me! I was going insane. I couldn''t feel my legs¡ªeven now they feel weird."


    "Why were you out sote at night?"


    I shrug. "I couldn''t sleep. Thought I would go for a walk and got curious about unimednd," I say,


    my excuse already nned out. I had enough time to do so while under that beast. "Then that


    happened. I swear, I''m always in the middle of trouble. Always in the wrong ce at the wrong time."


    My mind wanders to the moment when I first met James. How I stumbled out of the trees when he was


    passing by with my Alpha and Luna. I embarrassed myself that day.


    As Gail continues to scrub my face¡ªmy skin feeling red¡ªwe hear the front door open and I


    immediately give her a look. "I didn''t call him. You had the phone," she says, returning to the sink again


    to rinse what she got off with the towel.


    I peer down at my horror state and sigh. It takes him three seconds to get to the kitchen, and when


    James appears he stops suddenly, his eyes examining me. "It''s not my blood," I say calmly, "it''s rogue


    blood."


    This doesn''t seem to satisfy him because he nears and has a look on his face. "You were at the


    borders during the middle of the night? Youid under a dead rogue?"


    When he says it, it all sounds quite funny to me. I nod. "That''s pretty much it. You can go now, you


    don''t have to waste your time here. I''m sure there''s a lot to deal with." I leave him in the kitchen, but he


    follows me to the stairs. I turn around. "What?"


    He struggles to find words. "Are... Are you alright?"


    My heart squeezes and not in a good way. I look up at him, trying to keep my face straight. "No. I was


    under a dead wolf for hours,ying in his blood. I''m not okay, but you don''t get to care. It''s toote to


    care. You don''t get to pick and choose when to be nice to me and when to be an ass. You told me that


    you don''t want me. You made it very clear." You also kissed me. You grabbed me and kissed me like


    you had the right to when you didn''t, and I couldn''t help but love it. "You don''t get to care. You still don''t


    know what you''ve done to me¡ªwhat you''re still doing to me. How you''re treating me... I have to go


    wash this blood off of my body. You better get back to your duties."


    I head up the stairs before he can respond, and the entire way to my bedroom I''m thinking, why did he


    ask me that? He doesn''t say things like that. He''s never asked me how I am. I said too much. I can''t tell


    him how I feel, he''d use it against me.


    I lock the door and take off my clothes, cing them in the sink for now so the floor doesn''t get bloody.


    Light from the small window above the toilet trickles in and I step into the shower, letting the water


    wash the red from my skin. The white floor of the shower is coated in a dull mix of warm colors and I


    watch it drain until the water runs clear. Gail has given me toiletries and they sit on the floor, so I reach


    down and squeeze out too much shampoo onto my palm then scrub the dried blood from my scalp.


    The heat from the water fogs the ss walls of the shower and I slid down the tiles until I hit the


    ground. The shower beats down on my legs as I curl up. Shampoo foam drips down my face and down


    my shoulders and I can''t help my cry softly to myself.


    I can still taste the blood on my lips.


    Time is nonexistent as I sit in the shower. The shampoo has mostly washed from my hair, little patches


    of foam trapped underneath. I pick under my nails, scratching out dirt and blood until they look clean,


    my fingertips wrinkled. Knowing that I''ll have to get out sometime, I squeeze out some conditioner and


    hard to breathe, so I open the bathroom door and air it out. I can''t help but see things on my bed.


    I grab a towel and head out, finding my books and my iPod set neatly on the edge of the bed, waiting


    for me. I take the small device in my wrinkled hand and squeeze it to make sure it is really there.


    The phone is set on the desk, hooked back up. I take it and call my mother.


    * * *


    November 20, 1991


    James asked if I would like to go on a run today, but I had to refuse. I am pregnant. I had hoped for it


    and I was granted it. At first, I was scared, but James is warming up to me. He has been spending


    more time with me thest few weeks and it makes me even more sure in my hopes. He is beginning to


    ept me into his life. It was hard at first for him, but he is trying now, I can tell. Oh, he is going to be


    so happy when I tell him the news. I am waiting for the perfect moment. I am not sure when that is, but


    I trust that I will feel it.


    Yesterday he took me around the pack. I met many new people and he says that he will announce my


    role as Luna soon. Everything ising together. I knew it would.


    I feel myself falling in love with him. He holds me at night. I no longer have to reach out to him when he


    is asleep. He holds me.


    Iy on my bed after eating dinner with Gail and Theresa, lying amongst my books and my iPod,


    thinking. He gave me my things back, I know that. I know it wasn''t Gail or Theresa. Did he feel bad for


    me? Is that why?


    Unable to sleep, I head downstairs knowing that Gail and Theresa had gone home, and not knowing


    where James is. He could be in his room, he could be at the borders, he could be with Theodore''s


    sister, he could be dead.


    I walk shamelessly to the odd cab and grab the bottle of vodka that I left on the porch that one night


    before heading to the kitchen to grab a ss. The moon shines into the empty kitchen, bleaching the


    white countertops and giving the space an unearthly glow. I reach into the cab, select a ss, then


    unscrew the bottle cap and pour. It hurts going down like it did before, an unpleasant taste left on my


    tongue, but I drink anyways. The taste of the liquor covers the taste of his kiss that still lingers on my


    lips.


    I lean against the counter, facing the small table, thinking back to earlier when Gail was scrubbing my


    face and when James came in. I wonder what he thought when he first saw me covered in blood. It


    worried him, I know that. I like that. I can''t help but like it.


    I am split in two. Part of me wants to leave and never look back, running off into the woods just to


    breathe, but the other part yearns for something else. The other part yearns for him. I read Julianna''s


    diary and dream of a world where James holds me at night, one where he kisses me goodnight and


    where he tells me how much he needs me. This part of me would kill for that world. This part of meys


    awake at night and holds her pillow, pretending it is him sleeping against me. The mate bond is cruel to


    me. The Moon Goddess is cruel to me. He is cruel to me but I can''t let go. Every time he shows me a


    smidge of care¡ªor when he kissed me¡ªI can''t help but let it blind me away from everything else has


    done.


    I look behind me from the sudden feeling of a presence, and to my surprise it is him. He stands at the


    entrance to the kitchen, his eyes on me, and I swiftly grab the bottle of vodka and hide it behind my


    back. His scent toys with me as he draws close, but I cannot tell if he is upset or not.


    Without saying a word hees up to me and reaches behind me, and I let him take the bottle from


    me without putting up a fight. My cheeks heat up, embarrassing me even more.


    James ces the bottle on the counter. "You''re upte."


    I can''t help but blurt, "Why did you do it?" Maybe I''ll me it on the vodkater, or maybe myck of


    sleep, but I need to know in this moment more than I have ever needed to know. "Why did you kiss


    me?"


    He stays silent and takes the ss out of my hand, setting it on the counter beside the bottle.


    "Please," I mumble, desperate at this point, "will you just tell me something? Anything? You don''t have


    to want me. I just need to know why I am here." He doesn''t say anything. "Please, James¡ª"


    "Where did you hear that?"


    Grasping onto his words, hoping for a conversation, I quickly answer. "Theresa and Gail told me. I


    asked them. They told me you were named after your father." He looks down at me, still not biting. "Do


    you hate me? Do you hate me because I''m your mate and you wanted something else? Are you just


    taking your anger out on me because you''re disappointed?"


    James looks down at me again. "No."


    I swallow, not expecting an answer at all let alone one so straightforward. "Oh," I breathe out, not


    knowing what to say. "Well, well why then? Why be so cruel?"


    He sighs, sounding as if he doesn''t want to answer this one, but as I said, I''m desperate for answers.


    On a limb, I ce my hand on his arm and he eyes turn right to the connection before finding my own.


    He ces his hand on top of mine and takes it off. "I don''t want you to like me, Rae. It''s better this


    way."


    Hearing him say my name makes me shaky, but I can''t control the outburst bubbling up inside of me.


    "Better?" I question, failing to hold back my anger. "Better! Better for you! It''s only better for you!"


    "No," he says firmly. "You are not the only one having to deal with this bond."


    I cross my arms to stop myself from hitting him. "I''m not the one who is sleeping with other people! If


    only you knew how that felt! It''s hell. You know it hurts me and you still do it, so what? So I''ll hate you?


    You aplished that a while ago."


    James'' eyes intensify. "No. I do it to forget about you. I do it to get you off of my mind for an hour or


    two, but even then you find your way in. I have no breaks from you. There is no moment that is mine


    anymore because you''re always in my head."


    His face is very close to mine, and the hated feelings between us swell. "That''s not my fault," I say


    softly. "Why is it better this way? Why?"


    He turns away from me, my head in an emotional uprise. "Even after all I''ve gone you still..." he looks


    back and I can''t help myself.


    "There will always be a part of me that will still want you, that''s how Mates work if I like it or not. Things


    could be nice between us. They don''t have to be this way," I reach out to him again. "Things could be


    nice. You don''t have to push me away. I know you want it too, it''s why you''re always thinking of me,


    why I''m always on your mind. We''re supposed to be together, it''s how Mates are. All you have to do is


    open your mind and we can heal the mistakes made."


    He peers off. "You''ll never heal. I''ve gone too far for you to heal."


    My grip on his arm tightens. "But you won''t let me go. You won''t let me go because everything inside of


    you is telling you not to! Either you let me go, or you let me in because I am not living like this."

 Chapter 14 Chapter 14

    Chapter 14


    "I''m going to hate myself for this," he murmurs, his hands dragging down my arms. "I don''t deserve


    you, not after what I''ve done."


    His handse to my face, brushing back my hair and caressing my cheeks, one drops and the other


    hand runs down to my jaw. I grab his stray hand and hold it in between my own, covering it and


    bringing it to the center of my chest. "I''ll forgive you, I just need time. I need to see that you''re willing to


    open up to me. No more trying to push me away. No more trying to hurt me."


    I feel different. I have never felt like this before. There is an anxious feeling growing inside of me,


    making my chest hurt. Looking at James now, looking at some unknown version of him I didn''t know


    existed, I feel anxious¡ªnervous in ways that I can''t quite understand. He''s hurt me, I know that. People


    hurt others. I''ve hurt people in my life, maybe not as harshly as he''s hurt me, but I believe in


    forgiveness, I think.


    I didn''t see thising¡ªmaybe that''s what has me on edge, or maybe it''s our closeness. Maybe it''s


    our closeness and the fact that he could be willing to try.


    My eyes study his face, enjoying themselves. I have never been so close to him besides times when


    he''s tried to push me away, but I don''t think he''s pushing away anymore. It frightens me. I am in


    unknown territory. I was used to the fact that I would be alone for my life, but I never prepared myself


    for this.


    He is capable of hurting me again, I can''t forget that and I won''t forget that. No matter how blind the


    bond makes me, I will not let it weaken me, not anymore, not when I am giving him a chance. I have to


    be alert for this. "What are you scared of?" I ask him, needing a break from my thoughts. "You make it


    seem like you''re taking a risk."


    His hand falls from my jaw but I keep the other close to my heart. "I should have never taken you from


    your home. I should have never trapped you here. I need to bring you home where you belong, where


    you can be happy."


    When he says it, it brings a sour taste to my mouth. When he says that he needs to bring me home, I


    don''t want to go home. "But you don''t want to let me go," I tell him, wanting to remind him.


    "After how I''ve treated you¡ª"


    "I just need to know that you''re willing to try," I cut him off, not wanting to remind myself of the things


    he''s done. "Just please...don''t hurt me again. Don''t talk to her again, or take my things, or grab me," my


    voice grows small, "or pretend like I don''t exist. You¡ªyou took my shirt from my bedroom, I know you


    did. I know it."


    James steps back and turns away, cing his hands on the counter as if he needs to brace himself.


    N?vel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive ? material.


    "You have to go home," he says, his voice low. "You deserve to be happy. You need to heal. You''ll


    leave in the morning. This is what''s best for you. I am not good for you, Rae, and I am sorry for bringing


    you here in the first ce."


    My lungs squeeze, or maybe it''s my heart dropping, or my stomach rising. I feel the need to reach out


    to him again, to show him how good my touch is, but I hold myself back and nod. I can''t speak¡ªif I


    open my mouth I am afraid I''ll cry, so all I do is nod. This is what I wanted, right? To leave? I''ve tried so


    many times to, and now I am finally getting what I wanted, right? I wish there wasn''t this hole inside of


    me. It is a cavernous feeling that I know only he can fix. It hurts and I haven''t even left yet. It burns.


    He straightens up and brushes back my hair again, catching it behind my ear, taking onest sip before


    the ss is empty. "There will be someone to take you home in the morning. I''ll inform Gail and


    Theresa and they will help you prepare. I''ll be gone before you wake up, so it will be much easier."


    I want totch onto him and never let go, stopping him from sending me away. I know I told him that I


    hate him, and that I''m dying here, and that I want to go home, but now I regret every word. I can''t help


    but regret every word. The hole is growing bigger inside of me, eating away. "Are you going to reject


    me?" I ask with myst bit of energy.


    "I suppose that would be best," he says, looking back at me, making my heart ache.


    "Not now," I say immediately, "I can''t handle it now."


    "Okay, then I won''t, not now." There is a moment of silence between us then finally he speaks again.


    "It''ste. You need rest."


    Every part of my body aches now, even my fingers and toes. I know what ising, and I was


    prepared for it once before, but now all of that has been thrown out the window. I don''t know how to be


    alone anymore, not like that. Sure, I didn''t have him, but at least I was close to him, at least I got a


    taste of him.


    I swallow. "Okay," I say, trying to choose between ''goodnight'' and ''goodbye'', but I leave the kitchen


    after that.


    For a moment, I thought he was going to give this a try. I thought he was going to keep me. I thought


    we would grow together over time, my forgivenessing after his endless amounts of apologies


    ranging from different attempts to earn it. I thought we would sleep together in his bed, that I would feel


    his arms holding me greedily from the world, not wanting to share. I thought we would kiss a hundred


    more times andugh and cry and yell. But no. It''s over instead. I wasn''t even given the chance to


    forgive him.


    Once inside my bedroom¡ªthe door locked¡ªI rush to my bed and copse onto it, burying myself into


    the pillows and nkets. The tearse immediately like a dam opening its floodgates, wetting the


    pillows and filling the room with quiet, muffled sobs.


    It hurts already, and I know I should be happy to leave, I know I shouldn''t care about leaving him, but I


    can''t help it. I can''t help myself. Just the sight of him gives me a warm feeling, especially after that inch


    of hope. He gave me my things back and he touched my face, looked into me with soft eyes and


    brushed back my hair, only to send me home. There was no passionate kiss to mark the beginning of


    our healing, or gentle hug to show me that he''s going to try, only a struggle to let go.


    In the morning I feel the need to throw things around as I once did. Pulling over bookcases and


    smashingmps like a madwoman.


    He''s gone, he''s not here like he told mest night. I expected this, but my body wants to touch him one


    more time, my mind wants to see him, to remember him properly.


    I slowly begin to pack my clothes and books and other things such as a hairbrush and toothbrush into


    my bag that I came with. It was stuffed under the bed, never to be used again, or so I thought before


    this all started. Theresa and Gaile up one at a time to offer help, but I quietly tell them that I can


    handle it. I''ll miss them. They were one good thing about this ce.


    I stuff my books and iPod into the bagst, seeing the diaryying on the bookshelf, begging toe


    with me. I take it and gently maneuver it in, needing to keep it to at least remember all of this. I''ll need a


    reminder someday when I am old. I''ll look back through the journal and remember how I once had a


    Mate, how I wasn''t destined to be alone.


    I make my way downstairs to find Theresa and Gail sitting at the small table in the kitchen. Gail looks


    up at me and smiles a sad smile. "We made you breakfast before the drive."


    I wander in, setting my bag against the wall. "Where is he?"


    They keep quiet as if they didn''t hear me.


    "Is he close," I prod again, sitting down. "Is James close by?"


    "Rae," Gail starts, then snaps back, "hurry and eat before it gets cold."


    It isn''t until about twenty minutester that Gailes back from the living room and says, "the car''s


    here. The Guard is waiting just outside for you when you''re ready."


    I grab my bag and face the two women. "Thank you for everything."


    "Take care of yourself, dear," Theresa says and gives me a small hug, then Gail does the same.


    I leave the house after that, not wanting to make things harder than they have to be. Therge car out


    front is simr to the one that too me here, and I watch as Theodore gets out of the front seat and takes


    my bag, cing it in the back. "Go on and get in," he says.


    I climb in the passenger seat and slowly strap myself in, feeling as if I am not entirely here. I feel numb


    and distant like a ghost wandering an empty house.


    Theodore gets in as well and nces over to me before starting the car. "So this is it? You''re going


    home?"


    "He let me go," I murmur and peer out the window, not wanting to talk.


    The rest of the drive is silent, but I do not find myself drifting off to sleep, I am awake for the hours that


    it takes to get home. Theodore attempts a few more shots at conversation, but my lifeless responses


    tell him not to. I want to do nothing but stare out the window and dread the loneliness I am going back


    to, second-guessing the life I could have had if I stayed. Wondering if James could have loved me,


    really loved me like I had once convinced myself I didn''t need.


    I was wrong. I need it. I need love. I don''t want to live without it, and now I fear going home and having


    exactly that happen to me.


    His touch haunts my skin, my cheeks still feeling the warmth from his hand, and I fear it leaving me. I


    fear that my cheek will grow cold.

 Chapter 15 Chapter 15

    Chapter 15


    My bedroom is cold and empty feeling though my things clutter the space obnoxiously. I set my back


    down at the door and walk in as if this is someone else bedroom and I am an intruder.


    My mother isn''t home, actually, she doesn''t know that I am either. I had never called and told her I was


    leaving as I only found outst night. She''ll be disappointed, I think. Sad for me. Her daughter was


    mated to an Alpha, was taken to his pack, then was sent home for her own good. It makes me sad just


    thinking about it.


    Having no desire to unpack, I leave my bag set against the wall and walk to the window, gazing out at


    the forgotten view of the forest, the view I used to stare out at while I cried when I was younger. I don''t


    want to be here. Not anymore. This has be a sad ce now, one where my half-filled soul will rot


    and wither away until I die. There is a peer of me that was left at the Grant Pack, and a part that I will


    never get back.


    Mindlessly, I climb into my cold bed and hide under the covers. Depressed for the life ahead of me.


    Depressed over my empty heart, and dulled down from the loss of my one, true mate. There will never


    be anyone like him, no one to rece his anger and coldness, his good moments where he gives into


    me, and the sensation of his lips, a sudden kiss or not. I have never held such hatred towards every


    other man before, but I have no interest in them. That is something I have inmon with my old self.


    No man will ever please me if it is thest thing I do.


    My mother''s shocked voice wakes me. "Rae? Rae, what are you doing here?"


    I slip out of my dreamless sleep and look over to her.


    She quickly nears me. "When did you get here? You didn''t call to say you were visiting. Are you all


    right? What''s happened? Did something happen? Is he here, your mate?"


    "Not now," I mutter, cold and numb. "I want to be alone."


    "Not now?" She gapes as if I had told her I was pregnant. "What do you mean not now? Will you


    please tell me what''s going on?"


    "Please, mom. Go. Please just go."


    She crosses her arms. "Tell me what¡ª"


    "Leave me alone! Get out! I want to be alone!"


    I hear the door shut before I curl back up and wish to return to my nk sleep, not wanting to see or


    feel anything.


    * * *


    It has been a few weeks since I hade home. I painfully exined to my mother why I was back,


    telling part of the truth and fabricating the rest. Other than that, my days consist ofying in bed, going


    down for food every now and then, staring out the window, crying a little bit, showering just to feel


    different sensations, and staring up at my ceiling like a corpse stares at the hood of their coffin.


    I open the window during the day to hear new sounds other than the excruciating noises of silence. I


    hear birds and asionally voices, though it is usually my mother talking to another woman in the


    pack, or a guard mumbling to himself as he walks by to the borders.


    The diary sits on my desk alone, wanting to be read, but I don''t want to be reminded of him so soon


    because he already takes up my entire mind. There is no reminding needed.


    Iy in bed and daydream about our imaginary life together. How it would have been to sleep in the


    same bed, to feel him on top of me or underneath me, to feel his skin against mine in the most intimate


    of ways. Is it so wrong to want a bad man? I don''t think so. It makes the dark part of me want him even


    more. I want to feel his body weighing against mine, holding me down, giving me no escape. I want


    everything from him. I need him to want me as badly as I want him, but that nagging voice always


    reminds me that he is gone. That voice shouts at me to get up and to put away my things and to let go,


    but I can''t.


    I enter the kitchen with no enthusiasm to see my mother leaning against the counter. She looks up at


    me and smiles. "Hey, Rae. You hungry for dinner? I made salmon."


    I nod and sit down at the counter on one of the stools.


    "You know, I think you should get out of the house a bit. There''s a gathering tonight, I think it might be


    fun to reconnect with some of the girls and make friends. I know it''s for finding mates, but everyone just


    talks and dances. I think it would be fun for you."


    She talks as if she''s never met me before as if those years of me whining about such gatherings has


    left her mind. "I don''t feel like¡ª"


    "Please, Rae," she says, giving me a genuine look. "It would mean a lot to me if you went."


    Maybe it''s because I''ve been cold to her these past few weeks or because she''s been nurturingtely,


    but I surprisingly find myself yanking on that same gold, silky dress that I wore when I ran into James. I


    don''t want to wear it, but the purple one from when I was seventeen doesn''t fit anymore.


    My mother is pleased by the sight of me, and the happy look on her face cools down my frustrations.


    She excitedly leads me to the door and waves goodbye when it is time for me to walk off. Once the


    door is closed I contemte running off into the trees, but for a second I can''t help but think that my


    mother could be right. Maybe I should try. Maybe the girls will be nice and bearable and maybe I may


    just have an okay time.


    I make my way to the building, prepared for James to walk towards me with my Alpha and Luna, and I


    think to myself, if it did happen I may just run into his arms and kiss him.


    As the many dreadful times before, the gathering room is stuffed with eager girls and frightened boys


    and myself. I drift inside and dodge many people, automatically heading for the corner table that so


    crowd starts to spread out, I hear something curse-worthy.


    "Rae East?"


    I look to the side and see her, that girl, that one, that possible Stacey. The ck-haired girl who stood


    beside that other one some time ago. "Yes?" I ask, not going any closer to her than I already am.


    "I haven''t seen you in a while, though you gave up on these again," she says in a friendly tone,


    reminding me of how bad I am at this.


    "Oh, well, I decided to give it another shot, I guess."


    "I thought for sure you found your mate that other time," she says, making my heart squeeze inside of


    my chest.


    "Oh, no. I didn''t. I didn''t find...I have to go."


    I walk off without an exnation and head straight for the table, my eyes searching like a hawk for


    sses of wine or anything as sweet to me. Without any luck, I walk up to the table empty-handed only


    to find that it is upied. Two boys and a girl sit at the table beside each other and pause their


    conversation to deal with my presence.


    "Can we help you?" The girl asks, not rudely or nicely.


    I stand without a backup n. "Uh, no. Sorry." But before I can dash away one of the boy''s pipes up.


    "You can sit if you like. We don''t bite." I look back at him and feel anger stewing inside of me. He is a


    handsome guy and I hate the charming look on his face. He pulls out a seat for me. "Unless you have


    Property of N?)(velDr(a)ma.Org.


    somewhere else to be?"


    I want to fire back and tell him that I have a Mate and that he''s an Alpha and that he''ll hurt him for trying


    such a thing, but I simmer down and walk off, leaving the unwanted conversation open-ended. I realize


    the guy did nothing wrong and that I''m just a hot-head, but I keep an apology to myself and continue on


    my journey to find alcohol. I don''t have a Mate anyway, not anymore, not that I ever did.


    I should have been nice and made friends like my mother said, but no, I have to do the wrong thing. It''s


    nothing new to me, I shouldn''t be surprised. I''m supposed to be the girl who is happy without a Mate,


    the girl who hates gatherings and hates guys, right? But I''ve be some weird version of her. I still


    hate gatherings and guys, but only because I had my shot and it was a dud. They still have a chance at


    happiness but both of my chances have been ruined by one man.


    I find a man carrying around a tter of full sses and I snatch one, hurrying off before he can ask if I


    am old enough to drink. The red blood-like liquid stains my tongue and rxes me a little, but not


    enough.


    I wander out of the building and towards the trees, burying myself inside as I weave through them,


    trying to be untraceable. Tears stream down my cheeks as I continue to trip further in, stopping at one


    point to fall back against a trunk and to let out a strong sob. I wonder if I cry hard enough that James


    might feel it and run to me. I wonder if I scream loud enough and desperate enough that James may


    rescue me.


    "Why?" I mumble into the chilled night air. "Why do this to me? Why give me a taste only to take it


    away? Why when things could have gotten better?"


    The Moon res down at me, furious.


    I sit in the dirt, my gold, silky dress filthy. The night air sneaks its arms around me, caressing me,


    flowing through me. I want to cry more, but the numb feeling returns.


    The Moon shines it spotlight down on me, and I can only hope that James sees it.

 Chapter 16 Chapter 16

    Chapter 16


    November 30th, 1991


    I cannot leave my bedroom. I cannot face him. I have lost my baby. My baby has slipped between my


    fingers, leaving me forever, never toe back. I feel empty. James feels empty. He has tried


    speaking with me, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing I want to say anymore. The doctor says


    that many women have miscarriages and it should not stop me from trying again, but there is a cloud of


    discouragement over my head. It floats there, never to go away. I want my baby. Goddess, please. I


    need my baby.


    December 1st, 1991


    I feel sad today. I feel sad every day. I want my baby back. Please, please, Goddess give me my child.


    December 5th, 1991


    James says we can try again when I am ready, but I know she will take my baby again. She took my


    baby and I will never forgive her.


    James tells me that I need time to heal. I love him. It is soon but I know I love him. He has hurt me, but


    I love him. Is that why she took my baby? Because I am a weak woman in her eyes?


    I close the diary and regret having opened it in the first ce. I get up from my bed and set the diary


    back on my desk, not wanting to think about Julianna''s pain. I wish I could travel back and tell her that


    she doesn''t have to be discouraged because one day she would have a son, one day she would have


    a child.


    Since I have been home, bored and lonely, my daydreams have grown from wishful thoughts to


    intricate, imaginary parts of my life. Some of them are with James, and some of them are not. Those


    are the frightening ones, the ones where I am wrinkled and alone, sitting in this house day by day,


    never leaving, never dying, just existing with no purpose. No mother, no mate, no child to care for.


    Nothing. And I think about this often which causes me to scold myself for not making any friends. I


    should have sat with those people at the table or chatted with that possible Stacey more, but no.


    My mother has been telling me about a boy she thinks I should meet. I told her off, angry, upset,


    ming up to my room only to lock myself in and hide. The idea of meeting a boy makes me physically


    sick.


    The boy''s name is Noah and he is my age. He is my mother''s friend''s son and my mother will not stop


    mentioning him. I told her that I have no interest in meeting anyone, but she is persistent. She has


    invited her friend and the boy over for dinner tonight, and I swore that I wouldn''te down from my


    room like a stubborn child. I swore that I will never meet this boy if it is thest thing I do.


    What am I scared of?


    Losing my one chance, I suppose. Losing James, my one and only mate. The person who was never


    supposed to exist, the person who shunned me, who showed a hint of love then pushed me away for


    my own benefit. Would he think me weak if I told him that after everything he has done, I didn''t want to


    leave? I wanted to stay and work through this, fix the mistakes made, give forgiveness and move on if


    he was willing? Does that make me weak? Did forgiving James make Julianna weak?


    I don''t think she is weak, I think she is strong sometimes but broken on the inside. Is that me? Am I


    know. I can''t tell if I am broken or not.


    A brief warning knockes to my door before my mother opens it and peeks inside. "They''ll be here


    any minute. Can you get dressed?"


    N?vel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive ? material.


    Iy on my bed and peer up at her. "I already told you that¡ª"


    "Rae, please. Stop acting like this. It''s been weeks, it''s time to move on now."


    My eyes harden as that familiar feeling of betrayal fumes up. I sit up swiftly. "Time to move on? Time to


    move on? He is my mate!"


    "He was your mate," she interrupts, "not anymore."


    I have a need to break things, to m the door in her face and throw everything in this obnoxious room


    out the window. I need to scream and stomp my feet and cry about how he is still my mate, he''s my


    mate, he didn''t reject me, he is still mine! "Get out. Just because you got over Dad''s death so quickly


    doesn''t mean I''m as cold-hearted as you."


    I can see the sudden hurt and anger in her eyes before she turns her back on me and returns


    downstairs. I hear the doorbell ring and I can''t help but swing the door shut, not wanting to hear a word


    from any of them. I have to calm down, I have to cool.


    Without a thought, I rush out the door and down the steps, past my mother and through the front door,


    forcing the mother and son to part. My mother voice calls after me, but I continue to run off towards the


    trees. Once I am covered and alone, I take a deep breath and look around for an extra presence.


    Taking my clothes off, I set them at the base of the nearest tree and shift.


    The process hurts a bit due to the fact that it''s been awhile, but when the missed feeling of my fur


    against the breeze and my paws in the dirt return to me, I feel free. Without wasting another second,


    I''m off into the forest to blow off some steam.


    I haven''t been on a run like this in a long time. My father and I used to go on runs together when I was


    young. He would take me off of pack territory to go down to theke just a mile away, and there we


    would swim and I would tell him things that I could never tell my mother. I didn''t whine about how I''ll


    never have a Mate, but I told him that I was unsure about my future, where I would end up. He told me


    not to worry about it now because things end up how they are supposed to end up. All I can do is hang


    on until the end, and enjoy the journey to it.


    Maybe I have been overdramatic. Maybe all I need is to do my best and see where I''ll end up. I just


    have to follow my heart, follow what I want, and things should be the way they were meant to be.


    I don''t want to be alone, old, and trapped in that house for the rest of my life, and I will do what I want


    to make sure it doesn''t happen. Even if I fail, I will know that I tried.


    After a few more minutes, I return to my clothes and shift back, slipping them on and heading towards


    the house.


    When I tiredly walk through the front door¡ªleft unlocked for me¡ªI hear their voicesing from the


    dining room. My mother must have heard the door open and close because I hear her call, "Rae,


    pleasee here."


    I take a deep breath before going to her. "Yes?" I ask while appearing in front of them, scanning over


    the strangers at the table. Their eyes turn to me and I try to not disappear.


    "This is Esther and her son, Noah," she smiles at me with a hidden frustration behind it that only I can


    see.


    I nod and look at them. Esther is around my mother''s age, maybe a tad younger, and beside her is


    Noah. He is a handsome guy and he smiles at me. Like his mother, he has light brown hair and dark


    brown eyes, his skin more tan than pale. Even though he is sitting, it is clear that he is tall. He''s just like


    the others, the people I grew up with who all seemed to be perfect. He is one of the boys at the


    gathering who I see dancing with many girls who aren''t his mate. I don''t smile back and I can''t help but


    think about James.


    "Hello," I say ndly, not trying to sound rude.


    Esther smiles. "It''s nice to finally meet you. You''re mother''s told us about your trip to see a friend at


    another pack and we''ve been waiting to finally put a face to the name."


    My heart caves in. "Oh, yes. I stayed a little longer than I expected to, but it''s good to be home." My


    mother looks at me with satisfaction. "I should get cleaned up." My clothes were dirtied by the forest


    floor.


    "Alright," my mother says, e back down when you''re done."


    I nod again and head for the stairs, but before I make it on the first step an unfamiliar voice grabs me.


    "Hey, I uh, thought I should introduce myself."


    I look back to see the guy, Noah. I stay quiet.


    "I know it''s weird that our moms are trying to set us up, but I would like to get to know you if that''s


    alright."


    I swallow and cross my arms. "I have a Mate."


    He looks somewhat surprised, but I can''t tell if he''s faking it or not. "Oh, I''m sorry. Your mother said it


    didn''t work out between you two so¡ª"


    "She said that?" I drop character but quickly pick it back up. "Well, I don''t know why she would say


    that."


    Noah nods his head awkwardly. "I''m sorry for assuming¡ª"


    "No." Now I feel guilty. "You don''t have to be. It''s not your fault." He smiles half-heartedly and shifts


    back towards the dining room, but I say, "I wouldn''t mind making a friend, though. I mean, ever since I


    got back I''ve had no one to hang out with."


    Noah nods. "Yeah. That would be cool."


    I motion to the stairs and he lets me go. Never would I have seen myself asking to be someone''s


    friend, to have someone to hang out with. It is terribly unlike me, but my boxed-up-hidden-away attitude


    cannot be good for me. Making a friend for once can''t hurt, right? I''m not sure what we would do


    together or talk about, but he seemed keen on the idea of it. I hope he was not just being nice about it, I


    hope he took me seriously and not seeing it as an offer out of pity.


    I get an uneasy feeling as I walk towards my bedroom, my brief moment of aplishment fading


    away as something tickles my nose. Hesitantly, I open the door to see a figure inside. My heart jolts


    forward.


    The stranger turns around, making my lungs gasp for air.


    "James?"

 Chapter 17 Chapter 17

    Chapter 17


    I immediately close the door behind me and turn to him with wide eyes. His scent is muffled and I can''t


    tell if I am imagining him or not. "W-What are you doing here?"


    James nears me and my heart begins to race. The sight of him makes me feel secure, a warm feeling


    spreading throughout my shaking body. The darkness of my bedroom shadows his face, making him a


    figure in the night, something my eyes could be ying tricks with. Once close enough, the moonlight


    from my window lightens up his face and my throat grows dry. He reaches out to me, takes my hand in


    his, showing me that he is indeed real. "I''m here to finalize things, Rae," he says, his voice less smooth


    than it has been in the past.


    I struggle to speak, bringing me back to when I first met him. "You''re going¡ªyou''re going to reject me


    now?"


    I can see his jaw clench. "Yes."


    A shower of sadness rains down on me in one abrupt wave. My entire body is weighed down and my


    chest struggles to rise. My eyes can do nothing else but look up at him, hoping he sees that I am


    unwilling. My lip quivers like a lost child''s. "Don''t."


    It''s all I can''t muster and he lets out a breath, his ze tearing from mine. "Rae¡ª"


    "No," I murmur, quiet so no one downstairs hears me, but also quieted by my swelling throat. "Just


    don''t. Not yet? I''m not ready yet." I''m not ready to let go.


    "When? When will you be ready?" He asks, not really asking, though.


    "I won''t. I don''t want you to reject me."


    James looks down at me as if he''s trying to figure me out, a puzzle he just can''t put together. "When I


    told you that you had to go home, you agreed. You left without a problem."


    "Because I didn''t know if you wanted me there. I''m not going to stay somewhere I''m not wanted."


    "I don''t want you there," he says calmly.


    With nothing to lose, I ask, "Why?"


    He sighs and drifts further into my bedroom, not focused on anything around him. "Because I don''t


    want to hurt you anymore. You need to be somewhere you can be happy."


    "But I¡ª"


    "You cannot tell me that you were happy at my Pack, Rae. You weren''t. You were miserable. You were


    doing anything to get out."


    I don''t know how to make him understand because I hardly understand it myself. Maybe it was that one


    hint of kindness that gave me hope. "Do you want me there?"


    He stays quiet.


    "So if I were toe back, you would hurt me again? Would nothing change? Is this what you want?


    To reject me? If this is what you want, I''m not going to try and change your mind. You can reject me


    right now then."


    There is a pause before he says, "It doesn''t matter want I want."


    "But do you want me there?" I press. "Would you treat me the same?"


    James'' eyes bleed into darkness. "You can''t trust me."


    Disappointment ps me in the face. "So you wouldn''t change? What about my things? What about in


    the kitchen when you¡ª"


    "Enough."


    "No. You can''t give me hope only to push me away. It''s not fair. I told you what I wanted that night and


    you pushed me away, you sent me back here and I''ve been miserable. Stop acting like you don''t want


    me one minute, then that you need to send me away for my own good the other. Just tell me what you


    want. And not what you feel like you need to say. Tell me the truth."


    "Rae!" My mother suddenly calls from downstairs. "Aren''t youing back down?"


    Frustrated, I call back, "Yes, just-just give me a second."


    My head spins as I look back to James. He sits on the edge of my bed. "I just want you to be happy."


    I near him. "I''ll be happy if you treat me how you want to treat me, not what you learned from your


    father."


    James tenses and I realize what I had said. My eyes nce over to the diary on my desk and I hope he


    doesn''t see it, I hope he''s never seen it in his life.


    "What did you just say?"


    He doesn''t sound angry, but rather caught-off-guard. I drag my bottom lip through my teeth discreetly,


    fighting the need to bite down and pay for what I had said. "Theresa and Gail told me you are like your


    father, I just¡ª"


    He stands up from my bed. "Don''t lie to me. Where did you hear about my Father?" He''s bringing out


    the Alpha in him.


    Part of me is annoyed by the plethora of times he''s lied to me, but I hold it back for another day. "I just


    assumed."


    "Rae?" My mother calls again, slicing through the moment.


    I groan and head to the door. "Just wait here. I''ll be right back."


    Before James can protest, I slip through and close the door behind me. Now worked up, the sight of my


    mother and her friend and Noah irks me. I wish I could yell about how I''m dealing with something


    important upstairs. They smile. "You''re not even changed?" My mother points out the obvious.


    "I know, I was thinking about taking a shower actually, the dirt is just everywhere," I mutter and make a


    quick move to leave, but my mother reels me back.


    "Well if you''re noting back down, say goodbye."


    I take a steady breath. "Of course. It was nice meeting the both of you, hope we can really get into


    things next time. Sorry for my spotty presence." The two look somewhat pleased. "I better clean up


    now. Have a good night."


    Just before my escape, my mother snatches me back. "Your towels are in theundry room. I cleaned


    them."


    I nod and dash off, not wanting to be stalled any longer while James is in my bedroom alone. I rush up


    the steps and collect myself in a sh before gently opening the door. He is sitting on the bed again


    with something in his hands. My heart thumps hard when I realize it''s the diary. He doesn''t look up from


    the pages when he asks, "Where did you get this?"


    I feel the door against my back. "I found it in the house."


    "Where?"


    Not sure if he is upset or not, I proceed cautiously. "In the library."


    "The one that is blocked off by a bookshelf?" He finally looks up at me, only making my heart race even


    more. "You went into a blocked off room and took her¡ªwhat¡ªher diary? Does that not seem like a


    boundary to not cross?"


    "I was upset. I was looking for anything to distract myself. You''re the one who just showed up in my


    bedroom unannounced."


    James closes the diary and tosses it beside him on my bed. "Your bedroom is different than my dead


    mother''s diary, Rae. And if I remember clearly, you came into my bedroom unannounced first. Now how


    much do you know?"


    "About your mother?"


    "Yes, about my mother. You''ve been reading her struggles for entertainment for a while now."


    I step forward. "Entertainment? That diary is the only thing that gave me a sense of rity. It was


    someone to rte to while you stomped all over me."


    There is a moment of silence as James looks to be off in thought. I stand at the door watching him,


    waiting for something. The sight of him on my bed is bizarre to me, some weird mix of my old life and


    my new one. They don''t belong together.


    "You''re just like her, aren''t you?" He says, more rxed than before.


    I move away from the door, closer to him. "At the beginning, maybe. Not anymore."


    "Why''s that?"


    I am careful with my words. "Your mother didn''t heal, did she?"


    James sighs shortly. "No."


    "I don''t know if she ever forgave your father. He let her in and she just took it and tried to act like


    everything was normal. Then after the baby¡ª"


    "What baby?" James cuts in.


    I thought he knew. Maybe I''ve gone too far. "I-I''m sorry."


    "No, Rae. What baby?"


    "She had a miscarriage," I say slowly, "I didn''t read too far on it, but she seemed very distraught and


    upset over it. She asked the Moon Goddess for her child back many times. I don''t know, she just didn''t


    sound right." He peers down at the floor. "I''m sorry. I should have never taken it."


    His eyes find mine once again. "Why do you want toe back? After everything I''ve done..."


    I sit beside him on my bed and take the diary in my hands. "Because I''m not your mother. I know that


    you''re fighting yourself. I just wish you would tell me why."


    James takes the diary and sets it on his other side. "I didn''t want you to end up like her. I was ignorant,


    believing that having a mate would have weakened me. I didn''t want to grow attached to you, but I


    couldn''t let you go, like you said. Once I realized I was following in my father''s footsteps, I needed to


    send you away. I couldn''t let you end up like her."


    My heart seems to flourish. "What happened to her, James?"


    "She killed herself when I was young. I always believed it was my father''s fault, and he did too, but


    maybe there was more. I''m sure it''s all in here," he says, motioning to the diary. "Keep it. You''ll


    probably understand her better than I would. It''s time for me to go."


    "Go?" I blurt. "What do you mean?"


    "I have to get back to the pack before anyone realizes I was gone."


    My brows furrow together. "What are you talking about? No one knows you''re here? Doesn''t Alpha


    Waters know you''re here? Is that why I can hardly smell you?"


    James stands up. "Things aren''t too good between your Alpha and I. I thought it best that he doesn''t


    know I''m here."


    "Well, I''ming with you. I can''t stay here."


    ? N?velDrama.Org - All rights reserved.


    James nears me and takes my hand in his, covering it with his own. "You''re safe here."


    "But what about everything we just¡ª"


    "I''m bringing you back with me," he assures me, "just not tonight, not when I have to trespass on your


    Alpha''snd to get to you. When things settle down I''ll bring you back."


    "When''s that going to be?"


    James must see the worry in my eyes because he ces both of his hands on either side of me, filling


    me with warmth from his touch. "Don''t worry. It will be soon."


    "When will I see you next?"


    "Maybe a few days. It''s hard for me to escape my ownnd without issues to stop me."


    I take a deep breath. "Okay. Just promise you won''t leave me here."


    "Of course I wouldn''t leave you."


    He nears the open window and I watch as he swiftly jumps down andnds smoothly on the ground.


    My hands grip the windowsill as he shifts into arge, dark wolf and blends seamlessly into the forest


    and beyond. I stand at my window for a few more minutes before closing it and turning to the shower,


    still feeling the sensation of his touch on my body.

 Chapter 18 Chapter 18

    Chapter 18


    I slept betterst night after our conversation, after seeing him and feeling him again. It confirmed and


    renewed feelings I''ve held for him, feelings I don''t know should exist, ones that may be wrong but


    inevitable. All I know is that when I saw him in my bedroom, a part of me felt whole.


    He''s not the same as he was when we first met, I can see that now. He talked to me, opened up to me,


    came clean. It gives me even more hope than I had before, and that makes me nervous. In my mind,


    our story had ended when James told me he was here to reject me, but now so much has changed


    because of one conversation. One conversation and now I know that he wants me too. That''s what


    James meant when he said he was bringing me home, right? He wants me there. He wants to try and


    fix things between us.


    I have to reroute my mind again. It was heading towards a life alone, but now it may be going the


    opposite way. There is still may roadblocks and issues keeping me hesitant about him, but I''m


    confident in this. That woman, she''s one of them. The green-eyed woman who haunted the hallways at


    night. The fact that he was with her... It''s a tremendous roadblock. I never want to be hurt like that


    again.


    I don''t know if I trust him after witnessing those events. His kind wordsst night make me want to, but


    sleeping with someone else is like a brand to my heart. The sounds still echo in my mind when I think


    about it. The only reason that shines a bit of rity on the entire thing is that he may have done it to


    forget about me. I thought of this before but was too unsure to believe it. Now that I know he wants me


    there, the thought doesn''t seem so dubious. He told me that I am always in his head, and I can''t help


    but wonder if I was then too. Did he really need someone else to stop thinking about me?


    It doesn''t make up for the act, though. I hate that woman, I always will, and forgiving James for it


    seems difficult right now. I don''t want him to forget how much it hurt me, how many tears I shed


    because of it. James can''t forget that.


    Even now, when he''s at his pack house alone, I wonder if she is there. I doubt that I could feel it from


    this far away. I wonder if he''s loving her and only telling me what I need to hear.


    When ites to her, I don''t know if I can believe him.


    Due to my mother''s pushing, I am on my way to see Noah, since yesterday we didn''t get to talk much.


    He agreed to meet at the open field near my house, but I can hardly think about making friends when I


    know James will being back any day. Will it be tomorrow or the next day or the next? Should I


    wear my nice pajamas just in case he sneaks in again? Should I try so hard? Should I make it seem


    like I don''t care? All the other girls know this, but again, I missed out on such dilemmas when I was


    younger.


    Ie up to the field to find it empty, so I sit down in the grass to wait for Noah. The weather is nice


    today, and the soft breeze brings a rough hum into the air from the leaves brushing against each other


    above. The clouds are white, not a hint of grey, and the grass doesn''t seem to itch my legs as usual.


    Everything is nice. Everything is calm, and I can''t help but get lost in my thoughts.


    A sudden dropping presence pulls me back to reality as I notice Noah sitting down beside me. I take in


    a short breath and except that I have to talk now. "Oh, hi," I say, recovering from the surprise.


    "Hey." Noah asks, "You thinking about something? You looked like it, and I didn''t know if I should


    interrupt."


    He has that boyish charm that all the girls around here seem to like. He is one of them, the people I


    stayed away from because they all seemed too oblivious to real life. They snuck off packnd, flirted


    with people who aren''t their mate, danced and secretly drank all for fun. They do bad things to feel free


    and never talk about finding their mate until they''ve found them, and once they do, it''s all they talk


    about. He''s one of them, the happy people.


    I smile because I think it''s what friendly people do. "Oh, no. I was just waiting for you."


    Noah is one of the boys who enjoy the gathering, as I said. They talk to girls,ugh, enjoy being


    together. They''re the boys who get into trouble and rant about having to be a guard or anything


    below leadership. They''re the boy''s girls want to be mated to.


    I can see why. Noah seems likable; he''s handsome, he has a sweet smile. If I were any other girl, I


    would be pleased to be his mate.


    "Hope you didn''t wait too long."


    I shake my head. "No." He gazes off into the trees, and I struggle to conjure up a conversation. Talking


    to him is harder than talking to girls like Stacey. "So. You don''t have a Mate?"


    What a lousy way to start things off. The obvious choice, but clearly a delicate topic. It only takes me a


    second to regret the question, but I can''t help but be curious about it. There is nothing wrong with Noah


    on the surface, so I''m assuming she didn''t reject him. Maybe he rejected her.


    He lets out a nervousugh and I want to dash off. It''s toote. I''ve already ruined things. "Well, she


    actually¡ªshe died."


    My body sinks into the ground. What have I done?


    I swallow and knot my fingers together in myp. "Oh," I murmur, "oh, I''m sorry. I shouldn''t have asked.


    Sorry."


    "No," he brushes it off, "it''s alright. You didn''t know. It''s been two years, so don''t worry too much about


    it. It''s not a fresh wound."


    I nod. "How old are you?"


    "I''m twenty. I found her when I was eighteen, and she died a few days after. I didn''t really know her if


    that''s why you''re asking."


    A few days. I want to ask how she died, but I know that it would be crossing the line. "Wow," I say, not


    knowing what else to say, "that''s terrible."


    Noah nods, and we look forward for a bit before he says, "So. You have a Mate?"


    "Uh, yeah," I say as if I''m lying. "I do."


    "Does he belong to this pack?"


    I suppose it''s only fair to talk about James since I asked about his Mate, but I know I can''t tell him the


    entire truth. "He doesn''t. He belongs to the Grant Pack."


    "Shouldn''t you be there, then?"


    I look over at him, and he seems somewhat amused. It''s probably because my mother told him that


    James and I didn''t work out. He probably thinks I''m a loon. "I should be, but we''re waiting a bit. Until


    things get better between our packs, I think."


    "So he''s must be an important guard? What position does he hold?"


    The only position I know is the position my father held. "He works for one of the Alpha''s personal


    guards." Theodore is one of James'' personal guards, and it''s odd to think of my imaginary mate


    working for him.


    Noah smiles. "What a coincidence. I''m training to work for one of Alpha Waters'' personal guards."


    "That is a coincidence. Weird," I mutter, hoping he doesn''t ask more about it. Quickly, I change the


    subject. "So our moms are friends. I didn''t know that untilst night."


    Part of me wants to tell Noah that my mate is really Alpha Grant. I want to act like the other girls and


    brag about him, how important he is as if he were a king. I would never talk about the times he''s hurt


    me, though. A king only seems so great until it''s discovered that he''s just as human as the rest of us.


    When I first found out that I was mated to an Alpha, all I could do was doubt it, but now knowing that


    James is capable of great mistakes, the concept of us being mated doesn''t seem so wrong. It''s only a


    title, though titles give power. How much power does he have over me? I can''t reject him. That''s one


    thing.


    Noah and I continue to talk about things that don''t really matter, and I can''t tell if I enjoy it or not. It is a


    lot of work, having to entertain someone for so long, having to think up new topics and amuse. He


    doesn''t seem bored, and I''m thankful for that. I may not be making a fool out of myself.


    After we say goodbye and go our separate ways, I walk into my bedroom and feel as if weights have


    been lifted off of me. Not having to talk to anyone right now is a wonderful thing. I will enjoy the silence


    for as long as I can.


    The diary sits back on my desk and begs me to read. James said it was okay, so the guilty feeling has


    mostly left, but now that I know shemitted suicide, I don''t know if I should read it. The diary is


    addressed to her future self, and I pray to the goddess that it isn''t me.


    After I eat dinner and change into my nice pajamas and brush my hair and teeth, the diary continues to


    N?vel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive ? material.


    prod at me until I open it.


    December 7th, 1991


    I told James I wanted to try again, but he said it was too soon, that I was not actually ready. He is


    probably right. All I can think about is the life I would have had with my child. I wonder if it was a boy or


    a girl. I am sure James wanted a boy so he could train him to be Alpha right away, but I wanted a girl. I


    wanted to brush her hair and braid it and tie little bows into it. I wanted to paint her room the softest


    pink and get her little shoes with bows on the toes. She would have been a daddy''s girl. I know James


    would have loved her. I would have named her Jane. We would have been Jane, James, and Julianna.


    It would have been ridiculous but perfect.


    I hope the Goddess is happy with my child. I hope she is satisfied with stealing another''s baby. I have


    stopped praying to her. I have stopped believing that she is anything good. She cannot steal a woman''s


    baby and be something worthy of prayers. I wonder if she steals all Luna''s babies. I hope not. I hope


    the woman toe from this bloodline do not have their children taken from them. If I ever have a son,


    may his mate be careful. May his daughter be careful. May her daughter be careful. To all of them, we


    cannot trust her.


    I close the diary and take a deep breath. The breeze creeps in through my open window, and I quickly


    get up to close it. The room is dark; the Moon is hidden tonight.


    I cannot trust Julianna.

 Chapter 19 Chapter 19

    Chapter 19


    It has been almost a week since I''ve seen James and I can''t help but worry. What if he''s nevering


    back for me? What if it was all a lie? I can''t die here alone. I just can''t. Thesest few days I''ve put all


    my eggs in one basket. Tonight I sit in bed, waiting like the past few nights. My tiredness has been


    scared off by excitement and anxiety and a thumping heart.


    After another hour, I can''t help buty down. As much as I fight myself, my eyes can''t help but close¡ª


    I''ll open them abruptly once I feel myself falling asleep¡ªbut soon I''m oblivious to everything around


    me. I am submerged in a dreand.


    It feels like only a few minutester when there''s a gentle hand on my arm. At first, I think that I''m


    dreaming something incredibly realistic, but when my eyes open and the familiar shadowed corners of


    my bedroom appear, I immediately look up. James is sat on my bed, looking down at me. He takes his


    hand off of my arm and says quietly, "I''m sorry for waking you."


    With my brain still asleep, my eyes roll to the small clock on my bedside table from when I was thirteen.


    It''s a retro, pink, ugly clock whose smoldering digits tell me that I''ve been asleep for almost an hour. I


    then peer back to James and blink a few times before slowly sitting up in my sheets, not registering


    anything. "You''re here?" I mumble, rubbing my puffy eyes.


    "Yes. I''m sorry I had toe sote."


    His voice wraps around me like ribbon. "That''s okay. Are we leaving now?"


    "No. Not tonight," he says softly. "I should let you get back to sleep."


    "No," I protest, sounding more awake. "I''m fine. Don''t go." He nods, but before he can speak, my tired


    mind finds it best to bring up the things that have been bothering me the past few days. "Why did you


    do it? Sleep with her, I mean."


    James looks off at the open window. "I don''t know anymore," he says then looks back to me. "I''m sure


    it was to make myself believe that I didn''t need you. To forget about you. To stop thinking about you. To


    force myself to believe I could be with someone else."


    I rest against my headboard and bring my knees to my chest, not willing to let go of the warmth in my


    bed. The open window allows the cold bleed inside. James seems to notice this because he gets up to


    close it. "Can you?" I ask.


    He slides the ss down and turns to me. "I can''t forget about you. I can''t get you off of my mind." He


    nears me and sits back down.


    "Can you be with someone else?"


    "No," he breathes out. "I can''t."


    Satisfaction fills me. "I want to go back to your pack. I don''t want to be here."


    "Is it really so bad?"


    I sigh. "My mother tells everyone that we didn''t work out, so now she''s trying to introduce me to other


    people."


    James looks interested. "Other people?"


    "Other guys. There''s this guy named Noah¡ª"


    "Noah? Who''s Noah?"


    "I''ll tell you if you''ll let me," I say, somewhat fueled to carry on, to give him a taste of his own medicine.


    "He''s this guy, and his mate died two years ago. Our mothers are friends, so my mom is trying to set us


    up.  It''s sad and awkward. She thinks I''m crazy because I won''t let you go. But she doesn''t know all of


    Content ? N?velDrama.Org.


    this; what''s happened. Do you see why I can''t stay here now?"


    James grabs my hand, and my eyes drop to the wanted connection. "You don''t know how bad I want to


    take you back, Rae."


    "Then take me back. I''ll sneak off of thend with you. I''ve snuck off of yours before."


    "What?"


    "James," I say, changing the subject, "please. I don''t want to stay here any longer. What could be so


    bad between you and Alpha Waters?"


    "It''splicated."


    I cross my arms. "Well, next time then?"


    "Hopefully next time. I can''t promise anything, but things are looking good as of now."


    There is a moment of silence between us, and I can hear the crickets outside. I can''t help but yawn.


    "Aren''t you tired?"


    James squeezes my hand that is still in his two. "I can''t be. I have to be alert to slip past the guards at


    the borders."


    "I know, but it is one in the morning." On a limb, I say, "You shouldy down. At least for a bit." He gives


    me an unsure look, so I scoot to the other side of my bed. "I know you''re tired."


    I don''t know what it is inside of me that wants him toy down so badly. The sh of my old life and


    new life is pushed to the back of my head, and all I want is to be close to him while I can, knowing he


    has to leave soon. The empty feeling when he''s gone makes me needy.


    "Rae¡ª" James starts, but I stop him.


    "Will you just let me be close to you? I''ve been pushed away for so long¡ªI just want to be close to


    you." I can''t help but move back, grabbing his hands as he did mine. "I just want a connection." My


    eyes wander down to his lips unknowingly, almost telling him what I want. He steadily moves closer


    until his forehead is against mine, and I can''t help it. I bring my lips to his, bringing back a familiar


    sensation. He is careful, slow, testing to see if this is something he is allowed to do.


    It can''t be any more different than the first time when he pushed me against the wall and kissed me.


    When I gave in for only a second then pushed away. This time is better, less angry, more openly


    wanted. It''s slow. It''s full of caution. I''m taking him back to the beginning as if this is our first kiss, and


    the other one didn''t exist. This is my first kiss in my mind.


    I improvise, trying to do what seems right, but no anxious feelings are bubbling inside of me. James


    knows what he''s doing, and I don''t know if I like that or not. I think I will, but I can''t help but wish he was


    just as inexperienced as I. I hope he doesn''t realize I''m an amateur at such things. That girl, the green-


    eyed ghost must know what''s she''s doing.


    His handes up to my cheek, his skin cold and fresh, stealing the warmth from within me. We


    continue to move gently in unison until he begins to pull away. James'' hand brushes past my jaw and


    falls once we''re apart. He looks into my eyes. "I''lly down for a bit."


    I move over again and watch as heys down beside me. He looks calm, tired but rxed. My scent


    must be rocking him to sleep, and knowing this makes me happy.


    I steadilyy down beside him, nervous to be facing him but finding it awkward if I didn''t. The sight of


    his head on my pillow seems unreal, and I can''t help but contemte the chances of this being a


    dream. My younger self would surely think so. A man in this bed of denial¡ªback then it was as likely as


    the earth being t.


    Natural reactionse for me, and I close my eyes.


    My sleep is deep and endless, but not frightening.


    When I wake in the morning, he is gone.


    I sit in bed for a while, wishing he was still here, wanting to know what it would feel like to wake up next


    to him. He is my green-eyed girl, he sneaks in at night, stays, then leaves before I wake up.


    I want to be back at his pack; I want to be understood. Ever since James has opened up, my feelings


    towards him have grown. His scent lingers on my bed like a distant memory, and Iy for moments


    longer just to soak it all in until itpletely fades away. I don''t want to wait another five days to see


    him. I want him now, all the time, no boundaries, no pack issues, no worries, but forgiveness,


    eptance, and love.


    I could love him. I could really love him. When I close my eyes, I see it. The choices he''s made have


    been wrong ones, but I have to try at least and understand. He slept with her to prove to himself that he


    doesn''t need me. He does. He needs me. Shouldn''t I be happy? Why can''t I stop thinking about the


    green-eyed girl and her creeping steps down the hall?


    When I go back, I never want to see her again. She will never be allowed at the pack house, even


    within a specific range of James. I know it''s not her fault, but she saw me, and she didn''t stop. She


    could have asked who I was. She could have told James that she knew I was there. She could have


    apologized that night when I told her to leave. She''s not sorry. She''s not a bit sorry. She''s only sorry for


    herself.


    With my head against my pillow, I focus in on the diary and roll away. Are all women touched by those


    men some version of insane? If he touches me, will I be infected too? Has it already happened?


    My head is a jungle.


    I don''t know what to believe anymore. Is Julianna right? Is her mate, James good or bad? Is my James


    lying to me? Does the green-eyed girl still creep through those halls? Am I never leaving this house?


    Will James continue to tell me ''next time, next time'' whenever he sneaks in at night?


    Part of me thought he would be here when I woke up. Part of me thinks he dreams about us as I do.


    Some things I just can''t convince my entire self of.


    When he''s here, I''ll believe every word he says. When he''s in my bed, I can''t help but think of doing


    everything he says. The bond is dangerous. I don''t know if it is leading me towards happiness or


    disappointment. I want to trust James, I really do.


    Later in the day, I walk towards my pack house with my head held high. A guard stops me on my way,


    asking what my business is being so close. I tell him that I am Alpha Grant''s mate and the guard looks


    unsure. "Ask the Alpha yourself then. I''m supposed to be meeting with his Luna."


    The guard walks me to the door and one of the house workers answers. "She says she''s meeting with


    the Luna," the guard reports.


    "The Luna? The Luna is off with the children this afternoon. Are you sure? Who are you?" The house


    worker asks me.


    "Look, I''m Alpha Grants Mate, and I just need to talk with Alpha Waters."


    "You said you were meeting with the Luna," the guard traps me and grabs my arm, ready to drag me


    away.


    "I''m Alpha Grants Mate. I''m not lying," I counter firmly, not willing to give up. "I''m the Luna of the Grant


    Pack, now let go of me!"


    "Sure you are," the Guard mutters and pulls me back.


    A robust and familiar voice from inside nears the door. "What is it, Wendy?"


    My Alpha takes the house workers ce in the door, and his eyes seem to shift from the sight of me.


    He knows. He must know. "Alpha Waters. I need to talk to you, please."


    Alpha Waters motions for the guard to let go of me and shoo, and the guard obeys immediately. He


    brings me inside and sits me down in his office, a ce I never thought I would be in. Only very


    important people or very bad peoplee in here. I hope he doesn''t see me as a bad one for James''


    possible conflicts with him.


    Alpha Waters takes his seat, and I hold my strength. "I''m sorry foring unannounced. I should


    probably exin¡ª"


    "I know who you are. I know your position. Though I do wonder why you are here and not at the Grant


    Pack."


    "That''s actually why I came to talk with you," I say, trying to keep my voice smooth. "I''m here to talk


    about the issues between The Grant Pack and your Pack."


    "Issues?" Alpha Waters questions, confusing me.


    "Yes, the problems you have with Alpha Grant."


    "There are no issues between our packs, Miss East. You must have gotten mixed up somewhere. The


    Grant Pack and the Waters Pack are very much allies in the past and present."

 Chapter 20 Chapter 20

    Chapter 20


    James is no good. James is bad for me, for my mental health, my physical health, my everything. I let


    him fool me, I let myself believe that he cared for me. Thinking about it makes me furious with myself.


    How could I let him in? How could I kiss him andy in bed with him? For all I know, he could have


    strangled me in my sleep. He could have contemted suffocating me with the pillow heid his head


    on.


    How could he hurt me again? How could I let him?


    James was never going to bring me back and love me like I let myself believe. I want to yell at him and


    never see him again at the same time. He''s embarrassed me in front of my Alpha, gave me hope when


    there was none, and has the guts toy in my bed with me, knowing that everything he''s been feeding


    me is lies. He is a monster. He is cruel and maniptive.


    After fleeing the pack house like an idiot, I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring my mother''s


    questions and abandoning my ns with Noah. For hours I have been in here, and for hours I n to


    stay.


    What will I do the next time hees? Get Alpha Waters? Hide? Confront him in a rage of fury like I so


    badly want to do? He''s probably been sleeping with her, on top of this. She''s probably wearing my


    pajama shirt just so he can imagine the scenting from her, and here I''ve been, waiting like a fool.


    Here I''ve been, staring out my window, naive and optimistic, waiting for him to emerge from the trees


    every night.


    "Rae?" My mother softly calls from the other side of my door along with knocking. "Didn''t you have


    ns with Noah today? Do you want me to tell him you don''t feel well? Do you want me to


    reschedule?"


    I don''t answer. I haven''t answered thest two times either.


    "Oh, Rae, will you just tell me what happened? Unlock the door so we can talk."


    "You don''t understand," I murmur, not wanting to hear her say ''I told you so.''


    "Honey, what happened? Is it Noah? Did he do something?"


    I roll over in bed, constantly hot-headed with her. "No, mom. It''s not Noah. Nothing is about Noah!"


    My mother sighs, jiggling the handle. "You''re an adult, act like one and open the door. You''re not


    sixteen anymore, you can''t cry all day in your room and hate everyone."


    I can feel my mother growing impatient. "Please just leave me alone. Please go."


    "Rae, open this door right¡ª"


    "I''m not letting you in, so just leave me," I cry out.


    She hits the door. "Fine. Cry. Be d you''re not a Luna because they don''t act like this. They aren''t


    babied by their mother''s, they don''t lock themselves away. You wouldn''t have made even a decent


    Luna!"


    Her footsteps grow quiet.


    * * *


    December 29th, 1991


    James has agreed to try for another baby in the new year. I am excited for the possibility of a new life,


    another chance, but frightened by the possibility of losing another baby to her. She watches over me


    like a tyrant, ready to swipe.


    Things will be better in the new year, I can feel it. With the new year wille a new diary and it will be


    filled with happiness, unlike this one. That will be my promise to myself, to write only of happy things.


    Hopefully, the journey of my pregnancy will be written in it, all the wonderful aches, emotions,


    sensations¡ª


    A sudden knock at my door pulls me away. Expecting it to be my mother, I groan, but it''s not.


    "Rae? It''s Noah. Your mother asked me toe by."


    Feeling betrayed and exposed, I shut the diary and panic. "Uh¡ªWhat?"


    "She asked if I would talk to you. She said you''re upset," he says through the door.


    I swiftly shove the diary under my bed and sit up amongst my pillows, not knowing what to do. "Well,


    right now''s not a good time. I''m actually¡ª"


    "She said it''s about your mate. I thought maybe I could help."


    I bite my tongue before climbing off of my bed and opening the door. Noah hesitates beforeing in,


    not knowing if he should cross the line into my private ce. He stares for a moment at my bed, my


    messy sheets and thrown pillows forming a mountain range. I clear my throat, keeping the door open.


    "I don''t know what she told you, but nothing happened with my mate."


    Noah turns to me. "You don''t have to lie to me, Rae. It''s not like I''m above you. My mates dead,


    remember?"


    "I''m not lying."


    He gives me a look, and I''m sure I''ve never seen it before. "Why are you scared of people knowing the


    truth? So what, you and you''re Mate didn''t work out, what''s the big deal? No one is going to judge you,


    not here, not me."


    "It''s not like that. It''s not that simple."


    "Then exin so I can understand."


    I cross my arms and lean against the wall. "I can''t. Some things just can''t be said."


    "Then tell me the things that can be."


    I sit down with Noah on the edge of my bed, oddly simr to how James and I were. He listens closely


    as I share what I can. "He didn''t want a Mate. His father told him never to ept one, so when I came


    along, he was cold to me. He hardly spoke to me. He said rude things when he did. He was with this


    other girl when I was in the house at night. It was just terrible, and I thought that I could never forgive


    him, but I tried to. We had a few progressive conversations, and I was willing to try with him. I wanted


    to trust him after he''s lied to me," I exin, "but I found out he''s lied again."


    Noah sighs. "It sounds like a cycle to me. He''s just going to keep lying to you, Rae. And even after all


    he''s done before, you still wanted to be with him? You never tried to reject him?"


    "I couldn''t bring myself to reject him," I lie. "He just¡ªhe sucks me back in. It''s the bond, it''s his face, his


    voice, everything. When we''re apart, it hurts. All I want is to see him."


    "It''s because of the bond, because you haven''t broken it. You have to reject him."


    My eyes wander down to my hands as they sit on myp. "I know, but I don''t want to. Is that bad? Does


    that make me weak? Pathetic? Am I pathetic? Some part of me believes in him, that he wants the best


    for me. What if he''s just making mistakes to protect me? What if the lies are for my own good?"


    Noah shakes his head. "Rtionships aren''t built off of lies. How could you trust him? You couldn''t. You


    deserve better than that."


    I stay quiet.


    Noah reaches out and takes my hand in his, and it doesn''t feel right. I know it''s not right because he''s


    not trying to be my friend.


    I look up at him when he moves closer, not sure what he''s trying to do. When his foreign lips abruptly


    touch mine, I pull back. My eyes stray away from his flushed face, and I immediately stand up from my


    bed, stepping to the side. "Uh¡ªI don''t. I don''t think you¡ª"


    "Rae, I¡ª"


    "We''re friends, Noah," I say firmly. "That''s what I first told you. I can''t be with someone else¡ª"


    "I know," he cuts me off, "I''m sorry. I shouldn''t have done that. I crossed the line. I just¡ªI''m good for


    you, Rae. And from what you''ve told me, he''s not. You deserve better than him."


    Overwhelmed, I struggle to speak. "I-I think you should go."


    "Who is he? Who is this guy? Why can''t you see that he''s toxic? You''re a good person. You deserve


    someone good in return."


    "Noah, you should go."


    "You have to reject him."


    Annoyed, I spill, "I can''t reject him, okay? I can''t reject him."


    "Why not? You''re only holding yourself back."


    "Because he''s an Alpha, Noah. I can''t reject an Alpha."


    Noah''s face shifts to something nk. "What?"


    "My Mate is an Alpha."


    There is a moment of silence between us before I notice something of a smile appearing on his face.


    Confused, I don''t know what to say. Then the smile grows and his entire appearance reeks of


    amusement. "Come on, Rae. You don''t have to lie just because you don''t wanna reject him."


    All my insides seem to fall. "What?"


    "You don''t have to lie that you''re mated to an Alpha, okay? I can understand if you don''t want to reject


    him."


    "I-I''m not lying. It''s Alpha Grant."


    Noah pulls a sad face to cover his threateningughs. "I told you, you can be honest with me. If you''re


    not ready to end things now, that''s fine. You can wait until you''re¡ª"


    "Get out."


    "Oh, Rae, you don''t have to get defensive."


    "Noah, get the hell out of my house."


    Now he seems to snap back to life. "Woah. I didn''t mean to upset you."


    "Upset me? What? Am I not pretty enough to be mated to an Alpha? It''s so unbelievable that it''s funny?


    You''re an ass, Noah. You all are. Alpha or not. Get out of my house and nevere here again."


    Noah shrinks down and slips out the door. When he looks back, I shut it in his face, hoping to never


    see him again. Once his footsteps have faded into nothing, I slide down against my door, feeling terribly


    alone in this world.


    He was right about James, and I can''t help but wonder if he was right about the other thing as well.


    Maybe I''m not pretty enough to be mated to an Alpha, but I don''t want to be her again, I don''t want to


    turn into my sixteen-year-old self. I don''t want to fear a life alone or get caught in a cycle of lies. I don''t


    want to cry because James doesn''t want me, and Noah finds me just good enough to spend time with,


    and my mother thinks I''d make a terrible Luna, and my world seems to be a dead end. I don''t want to


    cry anymore.


    I''ve been sad for so long. I''m tired of being sad. It''s exhausting.


    I should have seen thising with Noah. I know his type, I know what he wants. I was just good


    enough to be with, for him. I was the best of a bad situation. My being mated to an Alpha was a joke.


    He''s one of them, one of those people that I''ll never understand.


    Noah will find someone else. He''s pretty enough, he''s charming enough, he knows how to get his foot


    in the door. I''m not worried about him, and I''m sure he''s not worried about me.


    It only takes two minutes for my mother toe knocking at my door, asking why Noah left so soon


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    without saying a word. I tell her I don''t know why he left. I tell her that I think it''s because we weren''t a


    good fit. We wouldn''t have made good friends. He was just someone to talk to, someone to share my


    secret with. It''s safe with him because he doesn''t believe it. I''m d he doesn''t believe it now. I hope


    he pity''s me. Maybe my story is too depressing to share with friends for a goodugh.


    James will be here in four days.


    Right now I need to focus on that. I need to think about what I''m going to say.

 Chapter 21 Chapter 21

    Chapter 21


    Both of the windows in my bedroom are open and the cool air floods in rapidly. Not bothering to keep


    myself warm, I sit on my bed in my pajamas, waiting for him. The room is dark. The only light is leaking


    from the bathroom, through the closed door. The Moon creates a glow in my room, all white objects


    now a hazy blue.


    It makes me feel as if I''m dreaming, this glow, these hues. I hold onto my pillow, suffocating it in my


    arms as my eyes stay fixated on the middle window, the one right across from me. The forest looks like


    a ck, stormy ocean during the night, and he emerges from it like the beast who lurks in its depths.


    My heart races as I wait for him.


    The coldness cleanses me. My toes lose feeling and my lips turn blue, but I feel crisp, I feel fresh. The


    sounds of footsteps against grass bring my heart to a sudden halt, and I hardly feel a pulse from then


    on. I slowly stand, feeling my bed against the back of my thighs. He''s here.


    I close my eyes to calm myself, focusing on my deep breathes, but when I open them, he''s in front of


    me. He stands like a warrior from another time, like a beast, like a man, like something in my dreams. I


    swallow and stay put, not hurrying to him. "It''s freezing in here, Rae," he says, his voice crawling up my


    legs.


    "You lied to me again," I tell him smoothly. "All you do is tell me lies."


    James nears me.


    "I spoke with Alpha Waters, so what''s really going on? What did you lie about this time?"


    "Rae, you have to listen to me," he says, reaching for my hands, but I bring them to my chest.


    "I can''t trust you. You won''t let me trust you."


    "I can exin."


    I peer away from his face, wanting to feel strong again. "Why? Why did you lie about having issues with


    my pack?"


    "I did it to keep you safe¡ª"


    I shake my head. "I can''t do this anymore. I''ve given you so many chances, and you just throw them


    away. I look like an idiot now. I''m the girl who just keeps giving in. I''m pathetic because of you."


    "I can exin," he says again.


    "So now you''ll tell the truth because you got caught? Why couldn''t you just give me the truth before?


    Why is this so hard for you? How do I even know if what you''re about to tell me is the truth?"


    James looks distressed. "It was my father."


    "You can''t keep ming this on your father. You''re your own person¡ª"


    "No, my father came to my pack." I stay quiet, letting him speak. "A few days after you went home, he


    showed up out of nowhere. When I came to see you, and you wanted toe back, I couldn''t let you


    because he was still there."


    "Your Father is dead, James," I say, knowing that he lied about that too. "So he''s not dead?"


    James doesn''t say anything.


    "Why didn''t you just tell me your father was back then? Why did you have to lie?"


    James runs his hand through his hair. "Because I didn''t want you knowing that he was still alive. I don''t


    want you to worry about him, ever. He is a bad man, Rae. He does not know that you exist. I don''t want


    him to. I wanted the both of you to be nonexistent in each other''s worlds."


    "He doesn''t know I exist?" I ask.


    "No," James says strongly.


    "And it''s not because he doesn''t want you to have a Mate? It''s not because you still want to impress


    him?"


    James grabs my hands, feeling my cool skin against his warmth. "No. It''s because I don''t want him to


    "What about her?" I ask readily.


    "What do you mean?"


    I stare directly into his eyes. "Were you with her? Was she there? Is she there?"


    James'' brows furrow. "You would have felt it."


    "How do you¡ª"


    "Because a few days ago I felt something."


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    My mind shoots to when Noah kissed me. My throat runs dry and I struggle to find something else to


    me him for. I''m still upset that he lied to me about Alpha Waters, but he wasn''t with her. Am I really


    going to fight with him over a lie that kept me safe? Does it bother me that much? It stings a little, but I


    hate myself for being able to understand it. Did I think that his father was still alive? I don''t know. That


    definitely wasn''t on my mind. "Noah kissed me," I tell him.


    James nods, backing away. "Alright. If that''s what you want, then I won''t stand in your way."


    I watch him as he watches me, waiting for the next few words to slip from my lips. "It¡ªIt wasn''t that


    way," I exin calmly. "He thought our rtionship was something more than it was. I didn''t know that


    he was going to kiss me. I pushed him away and he left."


    James nods again. "My Father left this morning. I don''t think he''ll be back for a while."


    "I''m worried that I''m making another mistake."


    He ces both his hands on the sides of my arms. "I know it may not seem like it, but I''m trying, I really


    am. I know it looks like mistake after mistake, but everything behind them has been genuine. I can''t say


    that I know what I''m doing because I don''t. I want you to be happy, Rae, that''s all I know. I''m trying to


    get better at that; making you happy. I know you can''t trust me, and I''m not asking you to. Whatever


    you decide, I will stand behind. I just can''t carry on if you think that I haven''t tried."


    My eyes drift away again, knowing that if I keep looking at him, I''ll give in to something much more.


    What can I say? He lied to keep me from his father. He shouldn''t have lied, but it wasn''t because he


    was with her, it wasn''t because he wanted to keep me here, it was for me. I want to believe that it was


    wrong, every part of it, but that''s not true.


    "You''ve been trying?" I ask.


    James gently brings my eyes to his with his fingers under my chin. "I have. But keeping someone safe


    and happy at the same time is more difficult than I thought. But I''m getting better. I''m trying to learn


    from my mistakes."


    His hand falls.


    My n of breaking our bond has been tossed away, hasn''t it? I''m not going to tell him to reject me, but


    I need a test run. I need to proceed cautiously until I know what he''s saying is the truth. I need to test


    him. It''s the only n that doesn''t make me feel pathetic.


    "So you''re going to take me back to your pack?" I ask.


    "If it''s what you want, I''ll bring you back."


    I nod, drifting off to my bed, sitting down. If he does one bad thing to me, I''ll give up. I''m going to


    promise myself that. I''ll go back to his pack to see if everything has been genuine as he says. Her, I''ll


    talk with the hallway ghost as well, I think. Theresa and Gail also. And his Beta, Will. I have a right to


    investigate.


    "Okay, then I want to go back," I tell him, feeling secure with my sudden n.


    He nears me, sitting down beside me. "You''re sure?"


    "Yes, I''m sure."


    My eyes get knotted with his and I find myself in a trance. Internally, I''m yelling at myself to not give in,


    so when he draws close, I look away. If I give in now, I won''t be able to make a fair judgment.


    "We''ll go in the morning," I say confidently. "I''m going to need time to get some things packed and say


    goodbye to my Mother."


    James nods.


    Satisfied, I also nod. "I''m going to get some things together now. You cany down. How will we be


    getting back?"


    "I brought a car this time. People know I''m here," James says.


    "No sneaking away?"


    "Well, now that my father''s gone, I''m not worried about causing suspicion. He''s a smart man. He''s not


    afraid to question."


    "Okay," I take a deep breath, "get some sleep. I''ll wake you in the morning."


    I grab my bag¡ªthe same one I used the first time¡ªand I start to fill it with clothes. Once that is full, I


    grab a smaller one to hold toiletries and other odds and ends. The diary fits in there nicely, and I top it


    off with different books and my iPod. I lose track of time and find it to be two in the morning when the


    bags are stuffed full.


    My eyes wander to my bed to see James in a deep sleep. He looks rxed, less intimidating. I close


    the windows and cover him, but I don''t gain the courage to get in with him. This isn''t likest time. This


    is different. Instead, I close the bathroom door behind me and lock it. Once naked, I turn on the shower


    and let the heat warm up my toes. The small space fogs up quickly to the point where it is hard to


    breathe, but I don''t get out for another twenty minutes. As my head starts to hurt and the room spins, I


    shut off the water and towel myself before opening the door.


    James is still there, asleep.


    The chilled air of my bedroom clears my head, and I slip on clean pajamas. For a minute or two, I


    contemte sleeping next to him but eventually end up in the guest room.


    I don''t sleep much. I wake up many times throughout the remainder of the night and find it difficult to fall


    back asleep. Once the sun begins to rise in the window, I get up as if I had slept through it all


    seamlessly. There is some odd energy fueling me. Possibly excitement. Possibly excitement due to the


    fact that my mother is going to not onlye in contact with James but hear that things between us are


    not in ruins. It is my strike back to her plethora of hits on my role as a Luna. Well, I''m not actually a


    Luna, but it will still feel good.


    When I hear my mother downstairs, I tiptoe to my bedroom and slip inside, finding James to be still


    sleeping. He must never get to sleep in, I suppose.


    I softly ce my hand on his shoulder. "James? It''s time to get up."


    When he doesn''t react, I tap. "James?"


    When he shifts a little, but his eyes don''t open, I squeeze his arm, feeling his muscles then swiftly


    letting go. He breathes in air and sounds as if he''sing back to life. He groans a bit then shifts some


    more then is eyes wave open and closed before staying open. It looks as if he''s remembering where he


    is. "It''s morning," I murmur.


    "Right," he mutters, not awake at all, not like I am. "How much time do you need?"


    My mind has to work a little harder when also watching him. It takes me a few seconds to think of an


    answer as he sits up. "Uh, everything''s done. I''m ready to go." James peers to the ugly rm clock on


    my bedside table. "I thought we could leave through the front door."


    He nces back at me, subtly amused.


    I leave for a moment to bring my bags downstairs, giving him a few extra minutes to wake up. I slip


    past the kitchen where my mother is standing, waiting for her coffee, wrapped in her purple robe. She


    doesn''t notice me, so I hurry up to fetch James. On the way down, he trails behind me and I poke my


    head into the kitchen, ready to go. "Mom?" I pipe up, expecting her to turn around and greet me, but


    she doesn''t. She fumbles with the coffee maker.


    I move into the doorway and so does James, cing us in prime viewing range. Of course she can''t


    smell him, but even if it was just me, some eye contact is expected. "Mom?"


    "Good morning, Rae, sorry. The coffee makers acting up again. I just can''t...seem to fix it," she says


    while pulling it apart. "I can make breakfast if you''re hungry. I didn''t expect you to be up so early. You''re


    feeling better since the incident with Noah?" Before I can ask her how she knows anything about that,


    or even tell her to stop, she rambles on. "His Mother told me what happened. I''m sure it was all a


    misunderstanding. You know boys, they don''t always say the right things."


    Practicallyughing is different than saying, but before I lose her again, I cut in. "Mom, please. Not


    now."


    She finally turns around and her face falls nk. "Uh, what''s¡ª Rae."


    "I came to tell you that I''m going back to James'' pack."


    She ces down the stray piece of stic from the coffee maker, not taking her eyes off of the Alpha in


    her house. It''s clear that she doesn''t know what to say. "You are? Oh, well, and I''m assuming you are


    ¡ª"


    He reaches his hand out to her properly. "James Grant, Alpha of¡ª"


    "Of course, of course," she breathes out. "I finally get to meet the man behind all of this."


    She shakes his hand, but James looks rather confused by the second part. Not wanting her to


    borate, I make my way around the counter and give her a hug, something I almost never do. "I''ll call


    you when we get there?"


    "Uh, sure. Yes. You''re leaving right now?"


    "Right now," I smile. "And tell Noah that it was nice meeting him. I wish him luck, but I''m sure he''ll find


    someone soon. And I''m sorry for the way I was acting, it wasn''t right. But don''t worry, I won''t forget


    what you said. I promise."

 Chapter 22 Chapter 22

    Chapter 22


    Maybe I''m an addict. Maybe he''s my own personal drug, my own breed of liquor. When I look at him


    now, in the front seat, driving, I can''t help but think about jerking the wheel and colliding with the


    monstrous tree just ahead. It''s the call of the void. It''s that one split second where the real darkness


    within seeps out and takes over. My eyes stare at the wheel, my hand fists my shirt, then I nce off


    out the window.


    I try to do things that are good for me, sometimes. I convince myself that I''m not going to give in again,


    but when you''re addicted to something, who knows. Maybe I don''t care anymore. Being hurt is familiar,


    unlike our moments when he''s kind to me. Those moments are more frequent, and I''m worried that I''ll


    grow used to them. Is it wrong to feel grounded when I''m hurting? I don''t know anything else. What if I


    won''t like being happy?


    My mother acts like she understands me when really she thinks I''m pathetic. She doesn''t like me deep


    down, I know it. It''s hard to like me, I think.


    I try to do things that are good for me, sometimes, but sometimes I like being this person. I understand


    this person. I''ve grown to ept that this is who I am, so maybe James is good for me either way. If


    he''s bad, then it will be... Well, that wouldn''t be easy. Maybe I''m wrong. I don''t think I can take it when


    he hurts me. I''ve learned that. I''ve felt it before when I was here the first time. I know that.


    When I''m with him, I can''t be the hurt person or the happy person. That is, if he is this drug, if he is my


    own bitter taste. If he''s telling the truth, if he''s been genuinely trying, then I don''t know what to expect. I


    don''t know how to be happy.


    If people are afraid of the unknown, am I afraid of happiness?


    I said I was going to test him, and I am. There needs to be a lining of caution tape around him at all


    times. I practically told my mother that I was going to prove her wrong, but that may be a long journey. I


    can''t be a strong Luna if I don''t trust my Alpha and if I don''t feel stable. It''s a staircase. Climbing will be


    hard, but eventually, I''ll get to the top. She''ll grab at my feet and pull me down, thisforted-by-


    sadness part of me, but I could always try again.


    Happiness is a fear I can conquer with him. I just pray he is telling the truth.


    He was honest about the green-eyed girl, and that gives me hope, but I know about him and hope. So,


    I''ll take my time, nice and slow, something sure. James needs to prove himself.


    A hand rests on my arm, and I suddenlye in contact with light. My eyes shy away, my fingers


    rubbing into them. Once aware, I peer around and realize we''re back and that I fell asleep. James


    looks down at me. "We''re here. I''ll grab your things, go on inside."


    I nod and slip off my seat, my feetnding abruptly on the hard ground, telling me it is time to move.


    When I open the front door and walk through, everythinges back to me in one harsh wave. For a


    moment, I doubt if this is a good idea, then I venture on to the kitchen. I hear them, Gail and Theresa.


    James wants to keep me from his father. It''s simple. There are things I want to keep from him, things I


    would lie about to protect. I would never want him to know about my insecurities, the ones that keep


    me up at night, the ones that I have a hard time admitting to myself. Eventually, he may find out,


    though. That''s the problem. Eventually, all secrets a revealed.


    Part of me wants to go back home just so these insecurities never reach the surface.


    I lean into the kitchen and the two turn. Smilese to their faces, and I find it relieving. "We knew


    you''d be back," Gail says while nearing me. She wraps her arms around me, warming me in a motherly


    hug.


    "It''s so good to see you again, dear," Theresa says.


    I sit down with them at the table and chat about things that had happened while I was back home.


    Obviously, I don''t mention Noah or James'' visits, but I do tell them that it was very hard. "I''m d to be


    back," I say. "Things are going to get better between us." If he doesn''t lie again.


    James steals me away, and I follow him upstairs. The familiar hall, and the haunting doors that sit at


    the end taunt me. When we reach the top, I notice James walking towards his bedroom with my things,


    and I am quick to stop him. I slip past him and stand in his way. "I''ll be staying in my old room," I tell


    him bravely.


    I do understand his assumptions, though. We didy together that one night, and he did sleep in my


    bedst night.


    His free hand loosely grabs mine. "I would like it if you stayed with me, so I know you''re not off in the


    forest in the middle of the night."


    I let my hand drop. "Not yet. Not until I can trust you."


    "Then at least promise me you won''t leave the house past twelve. I just want to know that you''re safe."


    I take a breath andpromise, wanting everything to go smoothly. "Okay."


    James leaves my bags on the bed before giving me some time to get settled all over again. The bed


    still smells of roses, and I feel somewhat at home whenying in it. I ce my books back on the shelf


    along with the diary and find the phone to be still hooked up on the bedside table. The bathroom has


    my half used hair products still in the shower, and I wonder if anyone has been in here since I left. It


    seems to be untouched.


    Once all of my clothes are put away, I grab my iPod from the side pocket of the bag. It identally slips


    from my hand and falls to the floor, tumbling under the bed. I get on my hands and knees, peering


    underneath to find it, and I see it resting beside something dark. My hand swipes my iPod out first


    before grabbing at the piece of fabric. Right when I pull it out, his scent bleeds onto my hands and


    crawls up my arms. It''s James'' shirt.


    He''s been in here.


    Without thinking, I make my way towards those taunting doors and knock, hoping he is inside. It takes


    a few seconds for him to appear, and I hold the shirt out to him. "I found this under the bed," I say,


    finding my reason to see him.


    James takes the shirt from me, not knowing how to exin himself.


    "You slept there, didn''t you?"


    He sighs and leaves the doorway, wandering in. I step inside, not going far enough to fall into the trap.


    James tosses the shirt onto his bed and turns to me. "It smells like you in there. It helped me sleep."


    I nod, satisfied. "I want to be with you, James. I want to sleep in here with you, but you have to


    understand that your bed smells like her. I''d be sleeping in her ce, and I can''t do that. What you did


    to me¡ªit can''t be fixed with an apology and exnation. The pain I felt can''t go away so easily."


    "Then tell me how to make it better," he says genuinely, almost begging for the answer. "All I want is for


    the past to go away, for your pain to go away. Rae, I want you to trust me. I don''t want you to see me


    as a monster anymore."


    "Then you''re going to have to show me. That''s why I''m here, for you to prove that you''ve changed.


    Show me that I can trust you."


    James crosses his arms and nods, hopefully understanding. It must be odd for him to hear orders from


    Content ? N?velDrama.Org.


    someone else rather than giving them. I never thought I would be telling an Alpha how to act and what


    to do. He reels me in and wraps his arms around me, embracing me, and it takes a few moments for


    me to realize what is going on. My cheek is against his shoulder, and I can almost hear his heart. It is


    as if I was wired to be able to hear it, to depend on it, the constant thumping. My muscles quickly rx,


    recovering from the shock.


    "I''m sorry. I''ve never felt this regretful and thankful. I''m going to fix this, Rae, alright? I''m going to make


    things better," James murmurs by my ear, almost whispering to me, only needing me to hear it. "I just


    need you to know that I''m sorry. I can''t believe I did this to you."


    I feel his hands grip the back of my shirt, holding onto me as if I am about to fall. "I really hope so,


    James."


    He lets me go and tells me he has to check up with Will, but that he''ll be back by dinner. I watch as he


    makes his way downstairs and towards the door before finding my way back to the kitchen. Thankfully,


    Gail is still there. She smiles when she sees me, telling me to sit, asking if I''m hungry, offering to make


    me a snack. She starts putting something together anyway, even without an answer.


    "James said he''ll be back for dinner," I say, sitting at the counter, watching her.


    "That''s lovely. It''s about time he sat down for a proper meal. I swear, every time I get here in the


    morning, food that was in the fridge the night before is gone. I offer to leave him a te, but he just


    says I don''t have to go through the trouble¡ªoh, I can make something nice for you two. What do you


    like? Red meat? I''ll go fetch a few things. Should I get a bottle of wine? Do you drink wine?"


    "Uh¡ªno, that''s alright. No wine, thank you. Are you sure you can bother with all of this?"


    Gail waves me off. "I''ve been waiting for this."


    My heart begins to race just from thinking about sitting down with him for a meal. It seems odd, out of


    ce for us, but it may be a step in the direction of healing.


    "I''ll be back in an hour or so," Gail says while cing a te of cheeses and crackers in front of me,


    sliced into little cubes or ready to be spread. I look down, not knowing any of the cheeses, most of


    them foreign to me. "Dinner will be around seven." Then she''s out the door as well.


    I take a deep breath then pick up a square cracker, taking a bite while I try to calm myself.


    It''s not a big deal. It''s only dinner. Gail is just excited, that''s all. It''s only your first actual sit down with


    James over food and chatting about things other than your problems. It''s only actually getting to know


    him, and him getting to know me. Asking questions. Questions about my family, my past, my opinions,


    my dreams, at least that''s how everyone else makes it seem. Oh, Goddess.


    My heart begins to beat even harder, and I swiftly bring another cracker to my mouth, needing to focus


    on anything else.


    Do I have to dress nicer than average? Can I wear normal clothes? Do I have to wear a skirt? Do I own


    a skirt? Will I be expected to know what each utensil is for? How many utensils will there be? Is this my


    first date? Is this a date? How can it be a date if we''re just having a normal dinner at the house? I don''t


    know how these things work. The other girls¡ªthey''d know what to expect. But of course, I''m not like


    them. Of course, I''ve never had dinner with a man before.

 Chapter 23 Chapter 23

    Chapter 23


    Maybe I''ve been dreaming because no situation has felt as real as this one does now. My heart won''t


    settle, my hands won''t keep still, I have to take deep breaths every little bit to calm myself. It''s only


    dinner. We''ve dealt with many more nerve-racking things before, but for some reason, this one scares


    me the most. It''s the most normal. The most foreign to me.


    I brush my hair while standing in front of the mirror in my cozy bathroom, stroking the dark strands as it


    runs through. This seems to rx me. It''s six thirty, and I heard someone walk down the hall a few


    minutes ago. Assuming it was James, my mind keeps wandering to him, wondering what he''s doing. I


    think he''s in the shower.


    I set my brush down and leave the bathroom to change. My robe is wrapped tightly around me as I


    rummage through the closet, already knowing what''s in there, but looking as if new things have joined


    the collection. My shaky fingers tug at dresses, nice pants, blouses, and pull down a few. I set them on


    the bed to try things on. Before letting my robe drop to the floor, I close the shutters and lock the door.


    First, I shimmy on a dress.


    I check how I look in the mirror on the back of the door. It''s silver and detailed and princess-like, but I


    don''t look like a princess in it. The dress is ck and flowy, and much too short. If I bend down, I''ll sh


    my underwear, and if I reach up, I may just do the same. I switch to another dress, then another, then a


    lc blouse, then to a navy sweater.


    I eventually admit to myself that I hate this, trying on clothes in an attempt to look attractive. That part


    of me will never change.


    This is all an unwanted shback to times of getting ready for the gathering. The purple dress, the


    whining, the fear, the gold dress, the stumbling, my mother''s encouraging, and that bagging chest area


    that was never filled out. Only this time I will be talking to a guy, which right now, makes it worse. I feel


    like old Rae, wanting to stay in bed, reading a book under the yellow light of amp.


    My eyes shoot to the clock once I realize I''ve been sitting on the floor for a while. It''s five minutes to


    seven. I have five minutes.


    Naturally, I bring myself to a panic.


    "I can''t do this," I murmur, "I can''t do this, I can''t, I can''t, I''m not," all while slipping on my pajamas and


    throwing myself into my bed. "I can''t. I can''t." My eyes stare at the clock until the fifty-nine shes to


    two zeros, then they smack shut, squeezing all of the light out. My hands fist the covers before yanking


    them over my head, wanting to be anywhere else.


    I''m scared. I don''t know how to act normal with him. It was all fun and games when we slept and kissed


    and argued and hugged, but now it''s just straight conversation. Getting to know each other, how we


    eat, how we drink, how long I chew for before swallowing. Just us, alone, over food, which makes me


    even more anxious. Food.


    I remember when I was sixteen and chubby legged and cheeked, I remember the rules I had for


    myself. No more than some obscure amount of calories and absolutely no foods that weren''t guilt-free.


    Yet, every food had guilt in it back then.


    I wouldn''t eat in front of my mother. I wouldn''t look in the mirror for long periods of time. I would cry


    because I wasn''t them. It alwayses back to them, right? Those girls. The girls like her, the green-


    eyed girl. And she had him. She had James. He had her. He wanted her. That can''t be denied.


    Maybe he used her to distract himself from me as he says, but he still had her body. She was able to


    give it to him. She knows¡ªshe knows that she''s irresistible. She knows her hair is thick and soft, her


    skin is smooth and unmarked, her body is lean and curved, her touch¡ªI bet he loved it. I bet he did.


    I want this to work, I really do, but I know that she''s going to haunt me. She''ll stride into his bedroom,


    the girl I''ll never be, and she''ll seduce him with the qualities I''ll never have.


    How do I tell him that it will ruin things? How do I tell him that I''m scared to be vulnerable to him like


    that?


    I was wanting to sleep in his bed, but did I think about what''s toe if I do?


    A sudden knock strikes the door, and I flinch, my eyes returning to the clock as my heart jolts forward.


    Twenty minutes past.


    "Rae?" James'' voice calls from the other side, making me freeze. "Dinner is ready. Do you need more


    time?"


    My lips open and close, open and close as I struggle to speak. "Uh... I¡ªWell, I-I''m feeling a little


    unwell. I just¡ªI don''t want to get anyone else sick." Coward. You''re a coward, Rae. You go downstairs


    and eat the lovely meal Gail put together right now!


    "Do you need me to call a doctor?"


    Goddess, now he sounds worried, perfect, Rae. Great job! Why are you like this? Why can''t you just


    get up and answer that damn door? Why do you hide away? Be strong, Rae. Tell him the truth, Rae.


    Property of N?)(velDr(a)ma.Org.


    Stop being pathetic, Rae.


    My stomach begins to bubble up, my chest growing tight. "No," say with a shaky voice, "it''s not..."


    Come on, Rae. Come on!


    The deep-rooted panic sets in now. It feels as if someone is shoving a towel down my throat.


    "Rae? Will you open the door?"


    She''s shoving the towel down my throat.


    Hesitantly, I unbury myself and walk to the door, cing my hand on the handle, really contemting


    this. I bite my lip hard before switching the lock and steadily inching it open, peeking out to look up at


    him. I''m sure my cheeks are red and my pajamas look scrambled, but I let out a little smile. "Hi," I


    mumble, wiping away all the encumbering thoughts that were tangled in my head just moments ago.


    Some things get easier with time and practice.


    James'' eyes wander past me, finding the visible pile of clothes on the floor and scene of panic. I inch


    the door closed, just enough space for my body. His eyes return to me.


    "I just...couldn''t find anything to¡ªwell, to wear so," I admit, knowing there''s no point acting normal now.


    "It''s ridiculous, right? I''m sorry, I just¡ªI don''t know."


    Something of a smile shes on his face. "You''re dressed now, aren''t you?"


    I nce down at my pajamas, feeling silly. "Well, yes, but¡ª"


    "Thene on, before the food gets cold."


    Unsure, I stay in the doorframe until he turns and heads towards the stairs, catching up to him. "James,


    I¡ª"


    He peers behind, having a perfect view of the mess I am, but he simply carries on. "It''s only dinner,


    Rae."


    I follow him to the dining room, which I haven''t been in much. Most of the time I ate with Gail and


    Theresa in the kitchen, which was less worrying. They chatted about things going on around the pack


    and would ask me questions every few exchanges. It was easy.


    Two seats are set up on the table, tes and sses and silverware and napkins and steaming food in


    front of them. There is one spot at the head of the table and one to the side, and the dimmed


    chandelier above sparkles down on it like a dream. Not wanting to sit at the head of the table, I choose


    the much morefortable seat and watch as James takes the other.


    My heart won''t settle. It feels as if something terrible is about to happen, and I predict it to be my


    oing embarrassment.


    I sit cross-legged, needing to feel more at home and stopping myself from bobbing my knee. The table


    covers the childish action, not worrying me much, and I hesitantly take the fork in my hand, trying to


    remember the position my fingers go in. It''s steak and potatoes and grilled vegetables, and the aroma


    clouds my nose.


    Since I sat down, I haven''t looked at James, but I hear movement from him. My eyes are stuck to my


    te, lifting bits of food to my mouth as a squirrel would eat. Nibbling. My hair creates a curtain


    between us, but I feel the curtain being pulled back. I look up to James with a flushed face, my


    fingernails pressing into my palm. "Are you alright?" He asks, looking rather rxed.


    I force a little smile along with a breathyugh sort of sigh. "I''m fine."


    "You look tense."


    "I, uh¡ªWhat will you be doing tomorrow?" I attempt, and he gives me a questioning look. "I''ve, um,


    always wondered what Alphas do all day."


    James'' brows furrow. "Uh, well, I''ll meet with Will in the morning and we''ll talk with themanding


    guards, then we might head over to observe training before stopping by the border posts."


    I nod,ing up with ns of my own. "That guard, Theodore... I want him to show me around the


    pack."


    "My personal guard Theodore?" James questions. "Why the specific request?"


    "Well, I know him the most. I''ve been around him the most. He''s nice to me. I don''t know, I just prefer


    him."


    I assume James knows that Theodore''s sister is the green-eyed girl, but I don''t think he knows I do.


    "Sure, then. I''ll fetch him tomorrow."


    It will be nice to know what''s around me and where everything is, but I am more keen on confronting


    her, his sister. There are things I need to know. Her ghost won''t leave me until I get some kind of


    closure, and I don''t n on living in a haunted house. "Great," I smile, forking some potatoes.


    The conversation stays simple for the rest of dinner, and thankfully, no questions about the past are


    asked. Once our tes are clear, Willes out of nowhere and swipes James away, talking about


    some rogue at the East border who greatly injured a guard. I stand and watch as they hurry out of the


    house, eventually sighing and helping Gail clean up. "Is everything alright, you think?" I ask while


    bringing the sses from the table to the sink.


    "I''m sure everything is fine. It is not too unusual, I''m afraid," she assures me while taking the sses


    from me.


    "Is it normal...for him to leave a lot?" I say quietly.


    "Well, he is the Alpha. I suppose thates with many responsibilities."


    I roll my eyes yfully at her sarcasm. "I know, I know."


    After everything is cleaned up, I head upstairs and run a bath. I don''t usually take baths, but something


    has put me in the mood for one. Without bubble bath, I substitute in body wash and squeeze out the


    gel as the faucet runs, watching as the bubbles grow and pile. I lower myself in and graze the bubbles


    with my fingers, poking, and smashing them between my hands.


    Light pours into the bathroom from the bedroom, giving me a romantic glow. There is a candle on the


    counter, but I have no matches or lighter to light it, but this will do. I close my eyes and enjoy the


    warmth, wanting to feel as rxed as James was.


    I think of him as the water caresses me. I wonder what he is doing. I wonder what he is thinking.


    I hope he is thinking of me.

 Chapter 24 Chapter 24

    Chapter 24


    I hurry downstairs after hearing James call for me, saying Theodore is here. Turning to the foyer, I find


    the two talking, but they don''t seem to notice me. James is saying something quietly, sounding quite


    serious. Not knowing if I should interrupt, I hang back and drift closer, hoping someone sees me


    eventually. I watch as James ces his hand on Theodore''s shoulder. "Understand?"


    Theodore nods and his eyes find me. He motions and James turns around.


    "Are you ready?" James asks as I walk in. Theodore opens the door for us, but just as I make my move


    to walk out, James holds me.


    I look up at him with a smile. "I''m ready to go."


    "Just be careful. Don''t do anything reckless, and stay on thend."


    "He''s just showing me around. There''s no need to worry about anything. I''ll be back in a few hours."


    Unless that girl attacks me and kills me, but I think that''s unlikely. I hope she isn''t some skilled fighter or


    hot-headed monster hidden by the body of a pretty girl.


    "Alright. I''ll see youter then."


    "Bye," I say and follow Theodore to wherever he nned to go first, but just as I hear the door shut, I


    spill. "We''re not really going around the pack."


    Theodore looks back to me. "What do you mean? That''s what we''re doing."


    "No. Not anymore. I need you to take me to see someone."


    He stops and turns around, facing me with crossed arms. "No, I''m taking you around the pack, that''s


    what my Alpha said, so that''s what we''re going to do. I''m not including myself in your schemes."


    "Schemes?" I say, almostughing. "What? So you think I want you to take me off Packnd? No,


    Theodore. This person is apart of the pack."


    "I don''t care if they''re on a different continent or right in front of us, that''s not what we''re doing. What


    you do on your free time without me is your own business, but right now, I''m taking you to the training


    grounds." He turns back around and walks, but I stay put.


    "What did he say to you? Did he threaten you?"


    "Does it matter? Either way, if you get yourself hurt or into trouble or Goddess knows what, I''m as good


    as dead," he dramatically calls to me, still moving. "So let''s go."


    "It''s your sister. I need to speak with her."


    Theodore stops and turns back again. "What?"


    I roll my eyes and jog, closing the gap in between us. "I need to talk to your sister. I need you to take


    me to her, and then we can take our tour around the pack."


    A confused and surprised look appears on his face, though I didn''t expect him to be surprised. He


    knows of his sisters and James'' past. "Why? Has something happened again? Was she back there?"


    "No. I haven''t seen her since I told her off."


    Relief washes over him. "What is it then? She''s out of your life, why bring her back in?"


    My eyes wander. "I just¡ªI need to. I don''t know. I need closure. I need to know what she thinks of all of


    it. What she thinks about James."


    "Look, Rae, I know what happened was terrible, but she''s finally starting to let go of him. It''s not a good


    time to bring it up."


    "Please, Theodore," I beg, growing desperate. "I can''t move on until I talk to her."


    He shakes his head and turns away, walking off once again. Not knowing what to do now, I sigh and


    contemte finding her myself. It only takes a few seconds more for Theodore to look back and realize


    that I''m not following along. I hear him groan. "Do you really need this? Really need it?" He calls.


    I nod, hoping.


    He thinks for a minute then groans again. "Let''s go."


    "What? Where?"


    "Where do you think? She might still be at home if we hurry." I run to him as he carries on. "I should


    have left you at that town."


    It doesn''t take too long to get there. The sounds of our footsteps stop me from thinking too hard about


    it, giving me something to distract myself with.Theodore mumbles about how this is a bad idea every


    minute or so, and I say nothing in return. Maybe it is a bad idea, but right now, I am determined to see


    her. If I regret thister, then I''ll regret itter. I have to stop overthinking everything I do.


    We reach a house tucked between two monstrous trees, and Theodore stops. My chest squeezes and


    my stomach knots, but I stay cool. "Come on," he says, heading towards the door, "she might not be


    here."


    My lips feel dry, tight. I feel weighed down and scared. A part of me doesn''t want to face the girl who


    haunts the hallway, the green-eyed girl, the girl who had him, her. She''s be some mythical beast


    in my mind, I''ve given her power.


    "Okay," I murmur, hiding behind him, not wanting to see her so close if she were to answer the door.


    But as I should have expected, Theodore lets himself in and motions for me.


    "Hello?" He shouts into the house, provoking her to reveal herself. "ire?"


    My eyes shoot to him. ire? Her name is ire? I expected something different, something more...


    "What?" A feminine voice shouts back, normal sounding and light. "Is someone here? Who''s here,


    Theo?"


    She''s upstairs, and her footsteps travel across the floor. Theodore looks to me as if saying ''here''s what


    you asked for.'' My eyes harden on him. "She''sing down?"


    "You wanted to talk," he says, knowing of my growing regrets. "Come down," he yells again.


    "I am, I am. Who''s here?" Her voice is louder, she''s closer, and my hands are bing numb. As if


    she is trying to scare me, she appears around a corner like a sudden sh of light in a room of


    darkness. I flinch and grab my chest, my heart frantic. My eyes focus on her, and she''s frozen. She


    looks as if she''s seen a ghost. "What¡ªwhy?" She breathes out. "What are you..."


    Her eyes turn to Theodore for rity, but he shrugs and backs away.


    "I-I¡ªI wanted to talk with you," I say shaking, trying to retake control.


    ire takes a step back. "Why?" She questions harshly, already putting up her guard.


    "I just¡ª"


    "If this is about James, you can leave."


    I swallow. "If you''ll just give me two seconds we can talk about¡ª"


    "Get out. I don''t want to talk to you," she nearly shouts, "you took him from me, told me to¡ª"


    My jaw clenches. "What?"


    She crosses her arms, looking somewhat insulted and fueled. "When you came, he started acting


    differently. He didn''t care about me anymore."


    "I''m his mate. You know that. I told you that."


    "I don''t care! It doesn''t change the fact that I loved him. One day he loved me then the next he didn''t.


    Do you know how that feels? My entire world was taken from me. After you came, he told me I couldn''t


    stay at the pack house anymore. I had to pack up all my things and leave because you wereing


    home with him. I was kicked out and had to sneak in at night like a fool. And you''d watch me. You''d


    ? N?velDrama.Org - All rights reserved.


    watch from your room. See, I thrived off of that. It was the one thing I had over you."


    Theodore has left. He walked out of the door.


    My nails dig into my palms, the only thing keeping me from losing it. "I had nothing."


    "Nothing? You had everything, and you have everything. You''re his mate, and you''re the Luna, you live


    in the pack house, you get to sleep with him in the same bed and not just for sex. So what? I slept with


    him for a few weeks, big deal. Look where I am now."


    "You don''t know?" I ask genuinely.


    ire shrugs, annoyed. "What?"


    "James wasn''t nice to me. He never talked to me, and when he did it was only to take things away from


    me. He treated me like dirt. He used you just to stop thinking about me. He hated me."


    ire''s face hardens. "We both may have known that what we had was over, but he did not sleep with


    me to get over you. He loved me. I bet he still does."


    I want a calm, genuine conversation, but it seems like that option is over now. She''s trying to provoke


    me, and I can''t give in. I have to be the bigger person. I can''t lose, not now. "I don''t want to fight with


    you. I just want to know how¡ª"


    "You didn''t want a fight?" She shakes her head, tears gathering in her eyes. "So you just came here to


    brag about your life, and expected me to sit and listen? I get it. You''re his mate. Congrattions. But


    don''t you evere here again, it''s humiliating. Please, do us both a favor and pretend like this never


    happened. I was feeling better, and you dragged me back down. You have the man I love so please


    just¡ªjust get out!"


    I flinch and take a step back, my heart racing. "Okay. I''ll leave."


    I watch as she delicately sits on the edge of a living chair and drops her head into her hands, quiet


    sobs slipping away. I rush out of the house to find Theodore pacing outside. He perks up at the sound


    of ire''s crying when I open the door. "I''m sorry," I say while swiftly fleeing the scene, "I''m sorry."


    He goes inside, and I continue into the trees, not knowing where I am going, but trying to follow the way


    we came. I didn''t want that to happen. I didn''t want her to have feelings. I''d rather deal with a blood-


    thirsty beast than a woman who loves my mate. She loves him. I wish I could unhear it. I wish I would


    have followed Theodore on his tour instead.


    That girl, that girl has feelings, she has a past with him. Why didn''t I think of this before? Why couldn''t I


    think of her as someone more than a mistress? Did James love her? Were they a couple? Can I


    believe him if he denies it?


    Confused and now lost, I walk in a random direction, knowing that I''ll either end up at the pack house


    or at the borders. A guard could help me find my way back, though I shouldn''t have left Theodore. I''ll


    make sure he stays safe. I''ll make sure James knows this was my fault.


    Why couldn''t she have stayed as a ghost? Why did I have to go searching for closure?


    She lived there. She slept with him every night. She''s a person, a real person.

 Chapter 25 Chapter 25

    Chapter 25


    After wandering around for nearly an hour, I ran into the border and told a guard that I had gotten lost.


    After convincing him that James is my Mate, he led me back to the pack house. Now we wait standing


    at the door for someone to answer. Thankfully, Gail opens up and looks at me, then the guard. "What


    are you doing back so soon? I thought Theodore was taking you on a tour around the pack grounds?"


    Before I can speak, the guard asks authoritatively, "You confirm that this youngdy is mated to Alpha


    Grant?"


    Gail pulls me in. "Yes, she is. You can go now. Come on."


    She shuts the door and I drift into the kitchen where Theresa is. Gail follows behind me. "You''re back


    early," Theresaments. "Where''s Theodore?"


    "I left him."


    Gail ces her hands on her hips. "What do you mean you left him?"


    "I ran from him after making his sister cry," I say and sit myself down on a stool. "I got lost. That''s why a


    guard had to bring me back."


    "You made his sister cry?"


    I sigh and turn to face them. "His sister was James''...lover. I just wanted to talk to her, but she started


    yelling at me, saying she loved him, that I took him away from her and shouted for me to leave, so I did.


    I don''t know. I panicked."


    "Now why would you go and talk to her in the first ce?" Gail asks, walking around the counter.


    "I wanted answers from her, and I got them, but now I want to give it all back. It was better when I didn''t


    know."


    Gail says genuinely, "Some things just need to stay in the past, dear."


    I nod and slip off of the stool. "I need to think things over."


    I head upstairs and close my bedroom door behind me, facing the room with a new perception. In her


    mind, I probably dide out of nowhere and wreck everything she had built. I couldn''t imagine what it


    would feel like to love someone one day and be dropped the next. I wonder where her mate is, if he''s


    dead like Noah''s, or if she just hasn''t found him yet. Doesn''t she look forward to that? Finding her


    mate?


    Maybe ire is capable of loving beyond the bond. We''re different, ire and I. She seems like a


    passionate person, someone who falls in love hard when they do. She may have taunted me from the


    hallway, but maybe she deserved at least that. I couldn''t imagine James abandoning me for someone


    else now, right when we seem to be getting ces, but could he? I like to think that I''m different


    because I''m his mate, because I can give such pleasure with a simple touch, but am I? If the bond


    didn''t exist, would I be another ire in his eyes?


    I don''t want a normal love with normal pleasures, I want the exclusive one, the one that''s exclusive to


    James. I want the deeper, more engulfing love, the love that brands my heart and makes my toes curl.


    Noah would have never made me happy because I want more. Is it wrong to want more?


    Is it wrong for me to crave something I thought I could never have?


    I reach for Julianna''s diary but promptly remember that I had finished it. I''ll have to grab the next year''s


    from the blocked-off room, but I''ll ask James first this time.


    Now that I know of Julianna''s end, I read more carefully, pointing out the signs and convincing myself


    that I don''t act the same way. I''m waiting for the entry where she talks of James'' conception. I''m waiting


    for her to sound truly happy.


    Wishing I had gone on the tour with Theodore, I leave my bedroom, looking for some form of


    entertainment. At least he would have distracted me for a few hours with training grounds and meeting


    people and housing. That sounds better thanying in my bed until another chance at establishing a


    positiones to me. If I''m going to be mated to an Alpha, I may as well have people know me as their


    Luna. I''m tired of guards doubting me. Maybe I''ll tell James to spread the word that he''s found his


    mate. It''s time.


    I close my door behind me and stare ahead at his tworge ones. I hear Gail and Theresa downstairs


    in the kitchen, so I begin my act towards them, ying ire. She''s quiet and stealthy, so I sneak


    down like a hunting lioness, my steps careful, but I also peer back at my door. She''d always peer back


    at my door, I think, hoping I would be watching.


    Like ire would, I grip the door handle and open it just enough to slip inside, and I do. I drown myself


    in his scent and fall back with the door, facing his room like I''d face my own. I''d see him there, on the


    bed or leaving the bathroom. James would wee her with some charming or dark look and she''d


    climb onto the bed, so I do. He''d stalk towards her, but I''m going to forget about her, so he''d stalk


    towards me. ire no longer matters. She''s right. I am the Luna, I am his mate, and she''s not.


    I have the power.


    So here Iy, on his bed that is my bed, and he''d near me, the woman he''d serve until he is forgiven.


    That''s what I''m doing here, right? Waiting until he makes up for all he''s done to me. I have power over


    him. That was his mistake, I suppose. He hurt me, and he gave me power.


    I spread my arms out amongst his bedding and wrinkle it to my own desires. He''d stand at the foot of


    the bed, he''d watch me with lustful eyes like a fresh kill. I''m served on a silver tter, aren''t I?


    Untouched. I can''t tell myself that I''d preserved myself for him, though, because it''s just not true. But I


    am exactly that, untouched.


    It just gives me more power now, doesn''t it? He must love that his mate is only for him and will forever


    be only for him. She may have had experience, but I can give him so much more. Not only will my body


    be his, but I''ll carry his children, and imagine the power thates with that.


    James is Alpha, no. I am the Alpha.


    He needs me.


    And he''dy on the bed, and I''d stand before him. I''d climb over him and he''d ache of anticipation.


    James would beg for me, he''d beg for just one...soft...touch¡ª


    "Rae?"


    My eyes shoot open. "Yes?" I call, frozen.


    His footsteps near the bed and I immediately sit up when I see him standing before me. James


    watches me carefully. "Rae, what are you doing?"


    "Um," I improvise, "I thought you wanted me in here? Am I not allowed to be in here?"


    His eyes intensify. "Of course you can be in here. It was just unexpected."


    "Well, then I guess I can exin why I''m home already."


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    "No," he says, sitting down on his bed next to me, "Theodore already exined after his apologies. He


    said that you ran off while he was distracted, and he couldn''t find you."


    "Oh, well, I was going to tell you that it wasn''t his fault."


    James sighs. "Why did you run off? Was something wrong? Did he do something to you?"


    "No. Not at all. I actually asked him to take me to see someone instead of on a tour," I exin, staying


    true to my defense for Theodore. "I asked him to take me to his sister."


    James'' muscles tense and he looks away. "You wanted to talk with her," he mutters, probably hoping


    this day would nevere.


    I discreetly run my bottom lip through my teeth before asking the daunting question, "Did you love her?"


    James'' eyes find mine. "I thought I did."


    "Are you done with her?"


    "Completely."


    I nod and grab his hand, squeezing lightly. "I told you the truth James, and I expect the same back, so


    I''m going to believe you. If I find out otherwise, I''m done here."


    James shifts, now facing me. "Will you tell me why you wereying on my bed now?"


    A subtle blush dusts on my cheeks. If we''re being honest with each other, then I may as well be


    James'' fingers trail down my jaw before getting a good grip, then he brings his lips to mine in short,


    passionate kiss as if we''re sealing the deal. The sensation wraps around me and my brows furrow, not


    understanding why it has to be so short, and I bring our lips together again. And while we immerse


    ourselves in the addiction, I hardly take my lips from his, "No one else, James."


    I move closer, needing to be closer, and he suddenly brings me on top of him, onto hisp. My heart


    races and a gasp escapes me as we enter a new realm, one that I''m not mentally or physically ready


    for. Each of my legs is on either side of him and his hands grasp my waist, and I pull away from his lips,


    my face hot. My hand rests on his chest like a stop sign.


    I look down at his handsome face, and for a moment, wonder how I got here. "Not yet," I breathe


    out.

 Chapter 26 Chapter 26

    Chapter 26


    I stand in the mirror and run ab through my hair, brushing through it before bed. My mind cannot


    stop wandering to earlier when James and I kissed on his bed, and the thought makes me giddy. My


    cheeks have been stained red, and my lip quivers as his lips haunt mine. I feel like a young girl, the one


    I never was. The girl that kissed a boy in the trees then ran off to tell her friends about it, only I have no


    friends here. There''s James, then Gail and Theresa, Theodore, Will, ire, my mother, Noah... Is it


    sad that I can list all of the people I''ve interacted with through these past few months?


    I need to find a friend, and not the kind of friends the girls at my pack used to have¡ªalways talking


    about each other¡ªbut a real friend. Obviously, ire won''t work, and Theodore probably finds me


    annoying. Gail and Theresa are lovely, but I need someone my age. Preferably a girl so we can be


    alone without James getting any ideas.


    I set down my brush and leave the bathroom, my robe tied tight to keep me warm. My bed looks the


    same, sameforter, same pillows, same scent, softness, and warmth, but my mind continues to drift


    to him. Do I want him here? Do I want him to sleep in my bed tonight? The night that he did was the


    best sleep of my life. It''s not somethingpletely new, we have done it before, so it''s not too big of a


    deal, right?


    I walk down the hall softly even though it is only us in the house at this time. I take a deep breath


    before knocking lightly on his door, then I step back as if knocking on a stranger''s front door. Crossing


    my arms, I wait for a few seconds until he opens one. "Is something wrong?" James asks, ncing


    down the hall.


    I peer behind me for a second then look back. "Oh, no, I just...I, uh, I was wondering if you maybe


    wanted to sleep with me¡ªin my bed, I mean, like we did before." I internally curse at myself and swipe


    the blush from my cheek, pushing my hair behind my ear. "If you want."


    I look up at James'' somewhat amused face as he leans against the doorframe. Not knowing what to


    do, my blush deepens and I stand awkwardly, waiting for an answer.


    "Okay," I say, wanting to run back to my room and hide. "I''m just going to go back and¡ª"


    "No, no," he stops me, "of course I will. You''re just so adorable when you ask."


    I swallow. "Okay, well, I''ll..."


    "I''ll be there in a minute," he says and I nod before walking away.


    I leave the door open a quarter of the way and scan over the room. Quickly, I pick up the decorative


    pillows and arrange them neatly at the base of the bed, swipe up my dirty shirt from the floor, and clear


    the nightstands of my empty ss and books and random things.


    I sit under the covers, my legs crossed, with a book in my hand, pretending to read. My eyes nce up


    at the door every three seconds until I hear himing down the hall. My heart begins to race and the


    giddy feeling returns. James pushes the door open andes inside, and I look up while closing the


    book.


    "Hi," I say right away, then wonder why I''d done it.


    James walks to the other side of the bed. "Hi, Rae."


    I watch as the beautiful man gets into my bed, and again, young Raees out to question. How did I


    get myself here? How is an Alpha getting into my bed? James getsfortable and I set my book on


    the nightstand, awkwardly scooting down and positioning myself. The first time we did this, I was drunk


    with exhaustion and saying whatever came to mind, and now I wish I could take a quick swig of


    something. I rest my head on my pillow and imagine the times when he''de in here himself and


    sleep. It''s like traveling back, like I''m not here and I get to witness this need of his.


    I''m enjoying this, asking him to do things I want to do, no longer scared of the bacsh.


    I reach over to themp on the bedside table and turn it off, submerging us in darkness. "James?" I


    ask, remembering from earlier, "Can I get her next diary from the secret room?"


    I hear him shift, feeling the bed move a bit. "There''s more?"


    "There''s two more."


    His voice is soft, not threatening or powerful like an Alpha''s would be, the voice I had grown used to


    Property of N?)(velDr(a)ma.Org.


    when I first came. I like this one better, this soothing one. "I''ll grab them for you in the morning. I''ll leave


    them on your shelf."


    "Are you leaving early?"


    "Yes. We''re having a bit of trouble with the East border. There have been too many rogue sightings, so


    a few groups are going to search the area for camps."


    "That doesn''t sound safe," I murmur.


    "We''ll be fine. It''s nothing to worry about."


    "You''ll wake me up then, before you go," I tell him, "I want to say goodbye."


    "It''ll be early, Rae. You''ll be tir¡ª"


    "You''ll wake me up."


    I hear him sigh. "Alright."


    -James-


    Her scent seeps into me as my eyes wearily open. The sky is still dark but the clock reads five, so I


    peer over at Rae. She''s grasping onto my arm, her hands holding tightly, and I fight with myself on


    moving her. I slowly pull away, sliding the pillow in its ce, and she grabs onto it, shifting and


    moaning.


    Seeing Rae like this, so peaceful and pure, brings a guilty feeling to my stomach. I brush the hair from


    her face and bring the nket up further, covering her arms. I close the shutters so the sun doesn''t


    wake her, and I quietly leave the room.


    I know of my mistakes, and I will never forgive myself for them. Her happiness is all that matters, and I


    will do anything to make sure she feels epted. Though, her talking with ire worries me. ire''s


    feelings for me were far from love, she has been unstable ever since Rae arrived those months ago. It


    was wrong of me to push her away so abruptly, but her words began to worry me. She never held back


    when it came to sharing her opinion on Rae.


    The first night I told ire that she was my mate, and immediately ire tried to secure her position,


    talking about bing Luna and how Mates are overrated. I let her rant. I didn''t care at the time.


    Once I''m ready to leave, I stop in the hall and look to her door. I drift over and check up on her, looking


    in to find her asleep still. Wanting to keep my promise, I quietly make my way to her and crouch down


    beside the bed. Her breathing is steady and soft, and I gently ce my hand on her shoulder. "Rae?" I


    whisper, and she shifts.


    Rae rolls over, her eyes closed. "Yes?"


    I tuck her hair behind her ear, her skin warm and flushed. I cannot tell if she is fully awake, but I


    continue anyway. "I''m leaving now, okay?"


    "Where?" She mumbles, and her eyes flutter open.


    "To search for camps."


    "Okay. Be careful."


    I watch her for a moment before closing the door behind me. She is something of an angel, something


    from another world. My past will forever haunt me, my memories of her pain never to be erased.


    -Rae-


    I find myself sleeping in, not waking up until noon. At first, I see the clock and think that it must be


    broken, but then I head downstairs and Gail and Theresa greet me.


    "Someone was tired," Gail says as I sit down with Theresa at the table. "What time did you go to bed?"


    "A normal time," I say slowly, still waking up. "I thought someone would wake me if I was still sleeping


    past ten."


    "We would have, but Alpha Grant left a note to let you sleep. He said you needed rest."


    "You do look well rested," Theresa chimes in. "We all need to sleep in now and then."


    I nod and thank Gail as she ces a te in front of me. "How long will they be searching for camps


    for?"


    "Usually all day, why? Are they searching for camps?"


    I nod again, taking a bite out of the sandwich. "That''s what James said. They''re searching past the


    East border."


    "Well, I''d assume he''d be back for dinner then."


    We continue chatting and I decide to ask them if they know of any girls my age that may want to hang


    out sometime. At first, they give me a funny look. "What?" I ask. "I''m serious."


    Gail straightens up, "No, No, of course we know. Aren''t you friends with that Theodore one?"


    I shrug. "I don''t know. I want a friend that''s a girl."


    Theresa grabs my attention, "You know, all the young people go to the gathering. You can go to one


    and meet people I''m sure. My niece goes to every one."


    "Oh, yeah," I mutter, not so enthusiastic, "those don''t really go well for me."


    "What do you mean? All the kids just get together and dance and talk and do whatever you guys do


    now."


    How do I tell them that I''m not the average ''young person''? Thinking about any gathering, my pack or


    here, makes me experience ufortable shbacks. I can''t say that I didn''t give it a shot, many shots


    at that. The gathering is just not for me.


    After lunch, I remember the dairies and check my shelf, but they aren''t there, so I return to the hidden


    door. The bookshelf is moved against the wall beside the door, exposing the handle and outline. James


    must have moved it for me. Now that I think about it, I don''t know how he''d find the diaries. He doesn''t


    know where they are or what the others look like.


    I enter and bend down to the shelf underneath the window, cing the first diary in its slot and grabbing


    the other two. I close the door on my way out, but leave the shelf against the wall, not wanting to break


    anything in an attempt to move it all the way back. The first time I just scooted it forward a bit and


    squeezed through, so I turn for the hallway but stop when an array of noises erupt from the other end


    of the house. I listen carefully and immediately make out the sounds to be voices, and not Gail''s or


    Theresa''s.


    Leaving the secret room behind, I venture out into themotion. As I near the kitchen, I see Gail


    walking out and heading for the living room. "What in the world¡ª," she starts but stops and I hurry to


    her.


    "What is it?" I ask,ing up beside her but promptly being swiped by the scene. Two guards stand at


    the door while another stands at the bottom of the stairs while Will and another help James up the


    stairs. An unknown feeling grows in the pit of my stomach, but I don''t know what it is.


    "What''s going on?" I call to the guards, handing Gail the diaries while I hurry up the steps. "James?"


    Will looks back to me with James'' arm slung over his shoulder. "There was an ident."


    "An ident?" I ask, growing impatient and worried. "What do you mean? James?"


    I trail behind them and slip past when they reach the top. First I see his face, then I see the blood.


    There is a cloth tied around his abdomen, soaked in blood. My eyes widen and my breathing speeds


    up, my head spins as I touch his face.


    "It''s fine," he mutters, "I''m fine."


    Will snorts, amused.


    They turn to his bedroom but I step in the way. "Put him in my room."


    "Rae we¡ª"


    "Do as she says," James cuts him off, "she''s your Luna for Goddesses sake."


    I open the door for them and the two set him on the bed. James winces as heys back, and the blood


    begins to drip down his side. I climb up on the bed beside him, my heart racing. Without a thought, I


    grab my pajama shirt from beside me and ce it on top of the blood-drenched cloth.


    "We have doctors on the way, we just have to control the bleeding," Will says.


    I re up at him, not able to control my emotions. "What happened? What did you do to him? Look at


    him! He won''t stop bleeding! What happened? Oh Goddess he''s going to die!"


    "I''m not going to die," James breathes out.


    "Shut up!" I shout. "I knew that stupid rogue hunting crap was a bad idea!"


    "We''ve done it before, I mean, it''s nothing new¡ª"


    "I swear, Will..." I seethe and he backs away. "All of you are a bunch of idiots! My mate''s going to die,


    and I''m going to kill all of you!"


    "I''m not dying, Rae," James struggles again and I peer down at him, my pressure on his wound


    growing.


    "You won''t stop bleeding," I say, my eyes watering. "You won''t stop bleeding. I don''t know what to do."


    "Calm down," he brings his hand to my back, "the doctors areing."


    "Will someone tell me what happened then?"


    "Damn, I don''t even know," Will mutters, "these rogues just came out of nowhere. There wasn''t even a


    chance ofmunication, they just attacked us."


    "How many were there?" I ask, running my hand through James'' hair, needing to nurture him and


    smack him at the same time.


    "Four or five. They went straight for James, they obviously knew he was an Alpha."


    The animal inside of me is hurting, I am hurting, these feelings are not only physical but mental as well.


    My mate is bleeding in my arms and there is a simr gash in my heart. It''s not the same as before,


    when he was with her, this feeling is pure sadness and anxiety.


    I continue to sit with him until two strangerse in with supplies. I look away when they remove the


    cloth, knowing that the feeling will only get worse if I watch. So Iy down beside him, distracting him. I


    y with his hair, stroke his cheek, and it alles naturally. There is a calm, nursing side to this bond.


    It is not only heartbreak and intensity, it is making the pain go away.


    James may have abandoned me in my time of pain when he was that other man, but it doesn''t make


    me pathetic to help him. Taking away someone''s pain is a gift I will always cherish. And as I watch his


    eyes slowly close, I know that there is more to him, more than I am not seeing, more good.

 Chapter 27 Chapter 27

    Chapter 27


    My eyes stay fixated on James as Iy beside him, the sun just beginning to rise through the shutters.


    After the doctors left, after they stitched him up, he stayed here and fell asleep and he''s been asleep


    since. James slept through the night seamlessly, and I assume he must be healing. Alpha blood heals


    at a quicker pace, but I didn''t know he would be asleep for all of it. Part of me hoped for meaningful


    conversation as he rested in my bed, pillow talk, something deep.


    The doctors said he would be back to normal in a day or two.


    I get out of bed and walk into the bathroom, shutting the door while I wake up and turn on the shower. I


    don''t lock the door, and part of me gets a rush, but the other focuses on the fact that he''ll be asleep for


    the day. Anyway, I step in and try to rekindle the me, gathering up the excitement again. My hair


    sticks to my shoulders and my fingers draw swirls on the fogged ss until I imagine him in here.


    Suddenly my hands are acting as his as they wrap around my torso, running slowly across my wet skin.


    I pretend my touch is his, and I immediately realize how dangerous this game is. My back touches the


    tiled wall as if it were his chest, and his hands creep upward. I close my eyes and take in the sensation


    of the water raining down on me, dreaming. One of his hands runs down past my bellybutton while the


    other holds me. I feel him touch me and I pull away, not wanting to y anymore.


    I get out once I''m washed, and I get dressed in the bedroom in front of him as he sleeps. Then I make


    my way downstairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. I find Theresa here but not Gail. "She''s not


    feeling well," Theresa exins. "I''m sure she''ll be back in a few days."


    "Everyone''s not feeling well," Iment. "James will be back on his feet in a day or two, that''s what the


    doctors said."


    "Oh, good. He''ll be resting all day then."


    I sigh. "Yeah."


    "I''m sure Will has everything under control."


    The doorbell rings and Theresa answers as I continue eating. Not expecting anyone exciting, I ignore


    Ccontent ? exclusive by N?/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.


    the voices until the sound of footsteps going upstairs grab me and Theresaes back with an uneasy


    look on her face. "Was it Will?" I ask, curious.


    Theresa takes a seat. "No, it wasn''t."


    "Well, who was it then? Theodore? A guard?"


    "It was his father," she says and my heart jolts, "he''d heard that there was an ident and that James


    was hurt. I told him it wasn''t bad, and he went to see him."


    I ce down my fork, not knowing what to do. His father doesn''t know that I exist. Should I hide?


    Should I confront him with a lie? Should I confront him with the truth? My heart picks up pace and I feel


    the need to stand up and move. I walk around the kitchen in circles, and Theresa watches me. "What


    are you doing?" She asks.


    "Is he just here to see him? He''s not staying, is he?"


    "I''m not sure," she says, "now sit down and tell me why you''re acting like this."


    "His father¡ªhe doesn''t know about me," I confess. "He doesn''t know that James has a Mate."


    "Well, why don''t you introduce yourself then? I''m sure he''d be happy to know."


    James said he wasn''t a good man, that he didn''t want him in my life for good reason, so I should wait


    until he wakes up. I''ll just avoid his father and hope that he leaves in an hour or two. "I think I should


    wait for James," I tell her. "He''d want to be a part of it, I think."


    When I''m finished eating, I anxiously grab the diaries from where Gail left them in the living room and


    head into the closed-off room, moving quick so his father doesn''t see me. I close the door behind me


    and sit in the small chair, opening the second years.


    January 7th, 1992


    It has only been two days, but I am sure that I am pregnant. I can feel it. I can feel it inside of me, the


    changes, his child. When I had first decided that I was pregnant yesterday, I thought that I would have


    been happy, but I am only scared. I see her in my dreams, the Moon Goddess. She lurks towards me


    and digs her nails into my pregnant stomach. She ws at my skin.


    I sit in the library all day because it is the only ce I feel safe. Jameses in and tries to get me to


    leave, and I do for meals and bathing and sleep, but it is not enough for him. He yells at me because


    he is frustrated because he cannot understand my fears. He holds me at night and I tell him that I feel


    unsafe in his arms. I feel unsafe everywhere but in the library. Last night he shouted that I should sleep


    in there, so I did. It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks.


    It will be five months until I can hold my baby in my arms. It will be five months of hiding from her, but it


    is worth it.


    January 23, 1992


    I am not pregnant. We had gone to see the doctor and he said I am not pregnant. She will not let me be


    happy. She will not let me, but I will keep trying.


    January 28, 1992


    We had tried against night and James felt very distant during. It is as if he no longer takes joy in


    trying for children, and it makes me feel dirty. I feel whorish when I have to beg him to try with me,


    when he treats it as a job and not a pleasure. Afterward, I went into the bathroom and cried a little. I am


    sure he could hear me, but he did note in to check on me. I had stayed in the bathroom for an


    hour and when I came out he was asleep, so I went to the library and slept there. Theresa had dragged


    down a mattress and set it on the floor. It takes up most of the room, but it''sfortable for when I


    sleep.


    January 29th, 1992


    Will you talk with me, Diary? James won''t.


    I close the diary when I hear footsteps then silence then the front door closing. Hesitantly, I leave the


    library and peak into the kitchen, then the living room to find Theresa. I ask her if it was his father


    leaving, and she says yes. She says that he''s staying in the pack until James is better.


    Not waiting for another second, I hurry upstairs and into my bedroom. I''m not sure how Alpha-blood


    healing works, but I try to wake him up anyway. With a gentle hand, I tap and shake and call out softly,


    "James. James, you have to wake up." He stirs so I continue, needing help.


    "James, please," I murmur," please wake up. It''s your father. He''s here. I don''t know what to do. I don''t


    know if he''s dangerous or not."


    His brows furrow, his eyes squeezing.


    -James-


    Everything around me is dark. Some unearthly darkness; blue, and purple, and fogged. I''m in the


    house, yet in some other universe, another dimension. Dust floats and covers and I walk forward into


    the house as if a visitor. Through the windows is a deep night and all the shutters are open, all curtains


    stuffed to the edge. There is no one here, no Theresa, or Gail, or Will, or... No. She''s here. I can hear


    her. I can hear her soft nothings whisper from above me.


    Suddenly a heavy worry weighs on my shoulders, drags down my heart and squeezes my lungs. My


    feet struggle to pick up as if weights have been strapped to them, but I hurry for the stairs, her voice


    calling to me. She''s saying my name, needing me.


    The hallway is long and dark, and I fight my way towards therge, grey doors, hearing her inside.


    She''s scared. She doesn''t know what to do. She''s calling for me. My feet grow heavier, and I w at


    the walls, forcing myself forward. I fall through the doors and stumble to the floor, so close. Her gentle


    cries echo in my mind, and I look to the bathroom door, a soft light leaking through the crack. Bringing


    myself to my feet, I push open the door and am blinded by brightness.


    I see her, Rae, in the tub. Her nakedness is drowned in the richness of her blood, her head is thrown


    back, her neck bent over, her wrists submerged and emptied. Her dark hair pours over and dangles


    while some strands float on the surface. Her skin is pale, her face angel-like.


    I grab her and heave her from the tub, bringing her to the cold floor. She rests in my arms, her skin


    stained and cool.


    I close my eyes, squeezing, then open them, and there''s light.


    "James, you have to wake up."


    I open my eyes again and she''s there, leaning over me.


    "Thank Goddess," she mutters. "Your father''s here. I don''t know what to do."


    "James?"


    "James, are you listening to me?"


    I take in a quick breath and curse my head. Grateful that it''s over, I grab Rae and pull her down to me,


    making sure that she''s really here. "What are you doing?" She asks,ying beside me. I wrap my arms


    around her. "Did you hear me at all? Your father?"


    "I missed you," I murmur into her hair.


    "What do you mean? You haven''t even been asleep for a day." Her eyes study for a moment and I feel


    her rx. "Where were you?"


    -Rae-


    James stays quiet but doesn''t let go. After a minute or two, I find myself closing my eyes. "I know


    you''re hurt, but I like you like this."


    He takes in a breath, and I let go of all my worries, and wey together until Theresa calls for


    dinner.

 Chapter 28 Chapter 28

    Chapter 28


    Setting down the diary, I look at the clock and see that it''s almost time for dinner. Needing a break from


    Julianna''s thoughts, I get up from my bed and make my way to the door, wanting to see if I can help


    Theresa prepare. Just as I reach for the door handle, it opens. I jump and notice James on the other


    side. "Oh, hi, I was just going downstairs to help with dinner," I say, feeling my heart calm down.


    "Sorry to scare you," he says,ing inside, "but my father insists on helping with the pack until I''m


    fully healed. He wants toe over tonight so I can brief him on recent issues, so you can''t be here."


    I nod, slowly. "So where will I go?"


    "Theodore is going to keep you busy until he leaves. The gathering is tonight so I thought he could take


    you to that. It will only be for an hour or two."


    "Uh, okay. When should I be ready? When will he be here?"


    James nces at the clock. "Ten minutes."


    "What? Really?" I mutter and immediately turn to the closet, digging for my signature gold dress. "You


    didn''t know earlier?"


    "No, this was all veryst minute," James says, seeming quite rushed himself.


    I find the dress and close the closet door, saving as much time as possible. Quickly, I pull off my


    pajamas and slip on the dress, not bothering to turn on the light, I stumble in the darkness. Managing to


    zip it up halfway, I step out of the closet and turn my back to James. "You have to zip me."


    I gather up my hair and hold it above my shoulders as he gently finishes the job. Before I can step


    away, he turns me around and his eyes wash over the gold fabric. "I remember this," he murmurs. "You


    were wearing this that night."


    "It''s kind of a tradition for me to wear it to gatherings now," I say lightly, trying to move on from the topic.


    James doesn''t take his eyes off of me and I feel my cheeks grow hot. His hand lingers on my arm. "I


    was cold to you. I didn''t even say anything."


    "If it makes you feel better, I was clumsy andme," I say, recalling my tripping and falling as my Luna


    called me from my hiding ce in the trees. I looked like a total fool.


    "You were beautiful. You are beautiful, Rae."


    I pause, feeling my chest grow tight. An uneasy, unpleasant feeling bubbles up inside of me, almost like


    a panic. Part of me doesn''t like this, part of me wants him to stop. Old Rae is being pped in the face,


    and she''s ready to fight back, not willing to agree. My fingertips turn numb and I scrunch up my hands


    into fists, not sure what to say. He said I am beautiful, James said I am beautiful and deep down I am


    begging him to shut it. "Oh, uh," I struggle, "I¡ªuh¡ªTheodore''s going to be here any minute, I better go


    downstairs."


    I swipe a pair of shoes from the closet before hurrying past him and slipping out the door, though I


    know he is following me. As if I''m being chased, I rush down the steps and race to the foyer, nearly


    knocking over Theresa in the hall. "Careful, Rae," she breathes out and I nce back.


    "Sorry!"


    "What''s the hurry? Where are you off to?"


    I stiffen as James reaches us. "I''m going to the gathering."


    "Theodore''s taking her," James cuts in, exining in depth. "I''ll be meeting with my father while she''s


    gone."


    "He still doesn''t know about her?" Theresa asks, which catches James by surprise.


    "No, he doesn''t. We''re waiting for the right time," I improvise, covering for him. "I think that was the


    door, I think he''s here, I better go."


    "I didn''t hear anything," Theresa mutters.


    "Well, I''ll wait for him outside. I could use some fresh air."


    I back away and spin around, needing some time to think, but knowing that there will be no time for it


    while I''m surviving another gathering. I wish I could forget about my ns of productivity and lock


    myself in my room. Who needs a friend? I''ve been fine on my own. I''ve managed.


    Leaning against the wall outside, I close my eyes and listen to my surroundings, using the few seconds


    I have to calm down. Just as I feel my shoulders rxing, the front door opens and Jameses out.


    "Was it something I said?"


    Internally sighing, I shut my eyes again. "No. Nothing is wrong, I''m just waiting for Theodore. You


    should get ready for your father."


    I hear the door shut, but I know he''s still here. Frustrated and overwhelmed, I give him a look, and not a


    nice one. This is it, this is when I push him away because I don''t know how to handle things. At least I


    can admit it to myself. "I just want to be alone."


    I knew this wasn''t going to be easy, getting over my past beliefs. Old Rae is still here, in that deep, dark


    crevice of my mind, and I can''t just ask her to leave. It''s hard not having a room to run to when I need


    to be alone, and it''s even worse now that I have to attend another gathering with Theodore, a guy who


    probably hates me. At least I''ve learned to not run off into the woods anymore, not unless I want toy


    under a dead wolf.


    "Rae," James coos, ready to work the truth out of me, "will you at least tell me what I did?"


    He only infuriates me more. Now what? I tell him that I don''t want him to call me beautiful because I''m


    all screwed up? I pour out my past for him to dig through me? I''m supposed to be strong now, the


    Alpha, the girl who doesn''t get stepped all over, but how can I show him that if I toss in that I''m


    romantically crippled? How do I stay strong if I bring up my times of self-hatred and convincing of a life


    alone? I''ll cry and he''ll see that I''m weak and all of this self-improvement will seem ridiculous. "You


    didn''t do anything," I mumble. "I just¡ªI have a headache."


    Even now, even when I think I''m protecting myself, I feel guilty. How can I expect the truth from him if I


    can''t even give it? Am I consciously burying myself?


    "I can call this all off," he offers. "I don''t want to make you go out if you''re not feeling well. Would you


    feel better if you went to bed for the night?"


    It was so much easier to hate him before. "No, don''t do that. It''s not that bad. Like you said, it''s only for


    an hour or two."


    "Okay, but if it gets worse just tell Theodore and I''ll send my father home."


    I look up at him, the guilty feeling growing. "Okay."


    My eyes wander forward to see Theodore walking towards the house. He''s dressed nice, and my mind


    shifts back to the gathering. "I''ll see you in a bit, alright?" James says, sending me off.


    "Okay."


    I nce back at the house, back at James as he stands at the door, watching us walk away. I follow


    Theodore to wherever the gathering is, and he doesn''t say a word to me. Needing to be in a good


    mood for this, I try and lift the awkward silence. "At least I''m going with the ns this time."


    I wait for his agreement, but he continues on.


    "Hey, I''m sorry about what happened with ire. I shouldn''t have crossed that boundary."


    Theodore peers back, not showing much emotion. "Well she''s going to be at the gathering, so let''s try


    and keep a distance this time."


    I throw my head back, staring up at the moon as it ducks behind clouds. I swear, the moon goddess


    hates me. This may be one of the few things Julianna and I have inmon.


    It takes a few more minutes to arrive at the building, one simr to where the gatherings were held at


    my own pack. As expected, the inside is cluttered with white tablecloths, sses of wine, young people


    and sparkling dresses, everyone dolled up to look their best if meeting their future. Theodore scans the


    room before diving inside, and I jump in his ssh, not wanting to handle this alone again. At least


    someone is here to keep me from the alcohol.


    Theodore is cautious, probably on the lookout for his sister, and I spot a veryforting table tucked in


    the back. Grabbing his arm, I lead him to the table and he watches me as I take a needed seat. "Don''t


    you want to dance or converse or I don''t know, talk about the other girls or something?" He sits down


    beside me and I nearlyugh.


    "No, Theodore. I have a specific way of handling these kinds of things."


    "By not handling it?"


    I scoff. "Yes? Look, this just isn''t my preferred pack activity. Dresses and talking and dancing and


    flirting and mates and all of it just isn''t for me."


    Theodore leans back, looking quite curious. "I thought you''d enjoy this, being the Luna and all."


    "What do you mean?"


    "Well, every girl here dreams of being in your position. Most Luna''s just walk around and greet people,


    rubbing it in their faces."


    I fight back a smile. "That''s terrible."


    He shrugs. "After all their backstabbing, I''d take a victoryp."


    I give him an amused look.


    "Hey, I can''t stop ire from rambling about her issues. Sometimes I overhear things."


    "Well, I''m not very outgoing."


    Theodore scans over the crowd again. "So what do you do at these things then?"


    I shrug. "Get drunk. It makes it all go by faster."


    A smilees to his face, and I can''t help but smile myself. He gets up and leans toward a man


    carrying a tter of sses and grabs two. He sits back down and ces one in front of me. "Aren''t


    you suppose to watch me and make sure I don''t get myself into trouble?"


    Theodore sighs and takes a sip. "I trust you."


    Together we sit back and swipe wine sses and rant about stupid things like the gathering and finding


    mates and the plummet of expectations. After a bit, I ask, "So you haven''t found your mate?"


    He shakes his head. "Not yet."


    "What if she''s here?"


    He waves me off. "I would have known already."


    "Maybe we should double check."


    I get up and force Theodore with me, abandoning our empty sses and venturing off into the crowd.


    With our arms linked, and with my newly gained courage, I approach a random group of girls. "Good


    evening. I''m your Luna, Rae East, and this is my personal guard, Theodore. I thought I''de


    introduce myself to the pack members."


    One of the girls speaks up, "Wait, Alpha Grant found his mate?"


    The others look at me with judgmental eyes. "Yes," I carry on, the only way by amusing myself. "It was


    a pleasure to meet you girls," I mutter, wanting to move on and not even asking their names. I yank


    Theodore as I move on. "So it wasn''t one of them?"


    "No," heughs. "But maybe you should use an ent like you''re British. I think they''d be even more


    intimidated."


    ? N?velDrama.Org - All rights reserved.


    I roll my eyes and bring us to a new group, this time with boys in the mix. "Ello¡ªI mean, hello," I even


    cough a little and Theodore tries to escape, but I hold onto him. "I''d like to introduce myself as your


    Luna¡ªyes Alpha Grant found his mate, and yes, it is me." I nce up at Theodore and he shakes his


    head, telling me his mate isn''t here. "Well, goodbye."


    We hurry off like two children and I pull us towards more people, but Theodore holds back. "This is


    ridiculous."


    "No, I think it''s working."


    "Oh really?" He says dramatically and grabs another ss from a person walking by with a tray. "I don''t


    think so."


    "One more," I smile, holding in myughs, trying to be serious. "If she''s not in this group, we''ll stop."


    He sighs and drags me to the people. "Hello, I''d like to introduce myself as your¡ª" I immediately stop


    when I look up ande in contact with ire. Her eyes are wide and Theodore swiftly straightens up.


    "Oh, I didn''t mean¡ª" Before I can defend myself, I flinch as ire lunges toward me and her drink


    sshes all over my dress, chest, neck, and face. I freeze and gape as I look over the red wine.


    "ire!" Theodore scolds.


    "Are you serious?" I breathe out, fuming. This mixed with all of my wine can''t be good for me or her.


    "Who do you think you are?" Theodore grabs my arm but I yank it away. "No, I don''t think you


    understand, ire. Forget James, forget all of it, I am your Luna. Who do you think you are throwing


    your drink at your Luna?"


    Theodore pulls me back and ire turns away with a re, disappearing into the crowd.


    "She can''t do that! I''m her Luna!"


    Theodore brings me to the door, everyone''s eyes glued to the scene. "Come on, we''re leaving now."


    "She should leave, not me! Let go! Theodore, let go of me!"

 Chapter 29 Chapter 29

    Chapter 29


    I walk on ahead through the trees as Theodore follows behind me. "How could she do that in front of


    everyone? How can anyone take me seriously after seeing her pour a drink all over me? No one is


    going to respect me as their Luna now. I''m a joke! I mean, look at me," I grab my dress and frown at


    the giant red stain. "I knew going to that stupid gathering was going to be a mistake. It always is. It was


    when I met James, too." I peer back at Theodore. "How could you take me out and not her? She


    attacked me."


    "You''re drunk, Rae. If you actually got hurt I would be as good as dead."


    I roll my eyes and stumble along the path, tripping over rocks. "I''m never going to another gathering


    again. Never. Can we¡ªcan we even go back? Or is his father still there?"


    "We were at the gathering for, I don''t know, three hours. He should be gone."


    I stop and look back at him again. "Three hours? How?"


    "You were busy drinking."


    I groan. "Stop acting like I''m the only one who made a fool out of myself."


    Theodore catches up and I walk along beside him. "No, I know I made a fool of myself. I just need to


    sober up before bringing you back or Alpha Grant is going to kill me. It would be best if he didn''t know


    that I drank as well."


    Once we''re at the front steps, Theodore lightly ps his cheeks a few times before walking up and


    ringing the doorbell. He stands straight while I tiredly heave myself up each step. James is quick to


    answer. "You''re backter than expected," he says right off the bat and looks down to me. "Is she


    drunk?"


    Theodore clears his throat. "She had a few drinks at the gathering."


    I give him a look before moving past James and going into the house. I hear James mutter a few words


    to Theodore before shutting the door and turning to me. "What''s all over your dress? Wine?"


    I look down at my dress and thumb the fabric, the wine already dry. "Yes. ire threw her drink at me


    in front of everyone... I''m going to shower now."


    James follows me up the steps, asking a million questions. "What do you mean she threw her drink at


    you? Why did she do that? What did you do? Did she try to hurt you?"


    I walk into my bedroom, my head spinning, and I try to unzip my dress. James cuts my struggling short


    and unzips it for me, and I shrug it off right in front of him before locking myself in the bathroom. I hear


    him say something in a hushed tone as I avoid the mirror and head straight into the shower. With my


    underwear on, I lift up the handle and drench myself in freezing water, my skin turning blue. Lazily, I


    pull off my remaining clothes and toss them into the bathtub before shutting the door and bringing


    myself to the shower floor.


    Stray tears roll down my cheeks and I curse before turning the water temperature up, not able to take


    the cold any longer. As I settle back down in the corner of the shower, I bump my head on the wall as I


    look up, triggering more tears to fall. I nurse the spot as the wine from my skin washes off and drains


    away. Never have I felt so stupid. So embarrassed. I was an idiot in front of everyone, everyone who''s


    supposed to respect me.


    I reach up and grab my razor from the soap holder, thinking about Julianna. I remember her talking


    about being too afraid to do it in the bath, I remember finding her razor under the sink. Did she die in


    the bath? Did she do it? James told me that she killed herself, but not how. The de was missing, so I


    can only assume.


    I sigh and move to set my razor down, my thumb identally running over the de. I drop the razor


    and scrunch my hand into a fist, locking my thumb inside. While biting down, I open my hand and


    examine the cut. Blood runs down my finger and it feels as if the skin is open in a p. I run it under the


    water and study my wrinkled skin, getting a better look at it. It makes me uneasy, so I turn off the water


    and step out, drying myself off with my thumb wrapped in tissues.


    Wondering if James is still in the bedroom, I call out for him.


    "Yes?" He answers.


    "Can you grab me clothes?" I ask, leaning against the door, wrapped in a towel. He doesn''t respond,


    but I hear shuffling. I peak out and take the clothes from him, my face red and puffy-eyed. I quickly


    close the door before he can get a good look, and I pull on the pajamas, finding it difficult with my


    poorly-wrapped finger. After I swiftly fan my eyes and rece the soaked tissues, I hesitantly leave the


    bathroom.


    James is sitting on the bed, clearly waiting for me. His eyes shoot up when he sees me walk out, and I


    want to shrink and disappear. Dodging a conversation about my stained dress, I lift up my sliced finger.


    "I think I need a band-aid, I keep bleeding through."


    I near him and show him the wound, removing the bloody tissue. "How did you do this?" He asks,


    cing the tissue back on and taking me downstairs.


    "I identally cut it on my razor," I exin, holding my thumb close to my chest as we enter the


    kitchen.


    James opens up the medicine cab and takes out a small box of band-aids. He grabs one and tears


    open the paper before handing it to me. "identally?"


    "Yes," I murmur while wrapping it around my thumb, tight enough to hopefully seal the cut. "Why would


    I have done it on purpose?" My eyes find his and I see his uncertainty.


    The kitchen is dimly light by the hallway light, and his face is drinking it up. "I didn''t mean it like that."


    "But you did," I use him, our voices staying low even though we are the only ones in the house. "I


    told you that I am nothing like your mother, not like that, okay? Don''t worry about such things."


    James nods and closes the cab. "Okay, I''m sorry."


    "I just¡ªI don''t want you to think like that."


    He brings his hand up to my face, brushing my wet hair out of the way. "Then I won''t."


    "Did your father say something about it? About you not needing a Mate? I don''t want him getting into


    your head."


    "He didn''t and he''s not. I couldn''t believe him even if he did, I know that I need you, Rae."


    I look up at him, my eyes directly into his. "Good."


    This newly revealed need seems to swell and fill the room and James asks, "Do you need me, Rae?"


    An odd excitement flourishes inside of me. I know if I say it, I''ll be starting something that I won''t be


    to give in like my body has been dying to? "Yes. I do. I need you, James."


    He takes in a breath that seems to fuel his whole body and I watch like a child ying with fire. He


    leans down and brings his lips to mine, his hand on my back, bringing me closer. The sensation makes


    me question why I had stoppedst time, how I stopped. With each second we venture deeper, and I


    know deep down that I don''t want it to end. I want to feel the depths and visit over and over again. The


    kiss only bes more intense, and I rely on my natural instinct as we cross ourst boundary. His


    hand on my back simply brings up my shirt a bit, giving me the pleasure of his skin on mine. His hand


    presses against me and the excitement flourishes even more.


    Thenes the hints of self-consciousness, the worries of ire and Old Rae and old thoughts about


    myself. Herees the reality of what I am leading to, but I want it all to go away. I beg it all to go


    away. I have a gorgeous, intimidating, intense, and changed man for a Mate who I need and who


    needs me, and that''s all I want. That''s all I want to think about. I don''t need Old Rae ruining this for me.


    James needs me. Not her. That''s all. If I want an experience without my anxious, sad self, then I will


    have it. I deserve it. His touch is enough to distract me.


    I gently pull away and he begins to leave soft kisses down my jaw and onto my neck which makes my


    heart race. "James," I murmur, high off of my emotions, "James, I need you."


    "I know," he mumbles against my skin, but I need him to take me more seriously.


    "No, James. I want you."


    He pulls away, leaving me cold. "You''ve been drinking."


    "I''ve never been more sober," I smile just thinking about it and I reach out to him, but he steps back,


    catching me off guard.


    "No, Rae. Not tonight."


    My heart plummets to the ground. My entire body tenses and falls and weighs me down. An intense


    numbness spreads throughout me and a deep, encumbering panic suffocates me. I can''t breathe. I


    can''t think. My throat seems to swell shut and I pray to the heavens that the tears welling in my eyes


    don''t fall.


    It is my worst nightmaree to life. All I can hear is my heart beating in my ears. My chest hurts, it


    feels as if it''s caving in. "Oh," I manage to breathe out. "Okay."


    "Rae¡ª"


    "No, no it''s, uh, it''s fine. Um, I''m going to¡ªI''m going to go to bed."


    I walk into the light of the hallway before rushing up into the darkness of my room, shutting off all of the


    lights except for the singlemp beside my bed. I lock the door and let the tears fall, and they don''t


    seem to stop. It''s humiliation. It''s my most personal fear. It''s Old Rae squeezing my throat and ire


    mated to an Alpha. It''s being thrown to the dogs. It''s listening to him fuck another woman for three


    weeks. It''sying under a dead wolf and rting to a dead woman. It''s having a drink thrown in my face


    and being yelled at to get out. It''s drinking the pain away. It''s never being her. It''s not being able to live


    like this. It''s being told that I''m not wanted.


    He grabbed me and pushed me against a wall to yell in my face that he doesn''t want me. That''s what


    this is. That''s what this feels like.


    My heart vibrates in my chest, my whole body shaking. My hands cling to everything just to keep


    myself standing, then I see the bathroom door. I float towards it like a ghost, like I no longer need to


    breathe. There''s something romantic about it, about my hand pushing it open, about my bare feet on


    the tile floor, about the bathtub.


    I bite my lip as my eyes trickle down to the shower floor where my razorys. I take it and caress it and


    hold it with care before bending the stic. Something ignites inside of me when the snapping hits my


    ears. I can''t help but smile as tears slip past my lips. Then I lower myself into the empty tub, and Iy


    back, gripping the single de in-between my two fingers. Then I dream. I dream of what I couldn''t


    have here, but what I can have there.


    "He needs you, Rae," I whisper to myself, "don''t you know that? He told you that he needs you."


    I bring the de to my skin, not knowing what I''ll do. I stare at it for a minute before the knocking


    "No," I yell back, my hand shaking. "No, I want to be alone!"


    "Please just open the door."


    "Just leave me alone, James!" I squeeze my eyes shut.


    "Rae¡ªNo, open the door right now," he demands, his voice growing serious.


    "Go away! Can''t you just leave me alone for two seconds!" I take the de from my skin, losing focus.


    "Open the door right now or I''m breaking it down," he threatens. "Do you hear me, Rae? Open the


    damn door!"


    I groan loudly, jumping when I hear him banging on the door. I scramble up, drop the de, and hurry


    to the bathroom door. The bedroom door hits the floor and I push the bathroom door shut, but not fast


    enough. James forces it open and gets inside. He scans the room and I blurt, "I wasn''t going to do it."


    His eyes single in on the tub and my heart stops. He reaches down and grabs the de then grabs the


    broken razor from the counter.


    "I wasn''t going to do it."


    He turns to me as I breakdown and he grabs my arm, forcing me out of the room. James brings me


    down the hall into his bedroom and lets go as he enters his bathroom. Hees out with another razor


    in his hand then walks out his bedroom doors.


    I fall to the floor and cry into my hands, not sure what to do anymore. Everything feels like a dream,


    Ccontent ? exclusive by N?/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.


    and I don''t know how to wake up.


    James returns and closes the doors behind him. He picks me up from the ground and wraps his arms


    around me, his hand rubbing my back. "Come on," he murmurs and leads me to the bed. He pulls back


    the covers and I get in, moving over for him toy beside me. He holds me and strokes my hair while


    tears fall onto the pillows.


    "I wasn''t going to do it."

 Chapter 30 Chapter 30

    Chapter 30


    James took the diaries from my bedroom. He said I can''t read them anymore. He put them in the library


    and locked the door and moved the shelf in front of it and told me to stay away. He said he was going


    to call the doctor but I begged him not to. I told him that if he did, I would leave. I was emotional at the


    Ccontent ? exclusive by N?/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.


    time.


    I still have my books and my music and my mother, and I talk to her every night now. I don''t care about


    our disagreements anymore. She doesn''t know about what I did, though. If she did, she would drag me


    back home.


    I eat all of my meals with James or Gail and Theresa. I assume he told them so they can keep an eye


    on me. I shower with the door open and one of them sits in my bedroom as I do so. If I want to shave,


    they fetch a razor. One of them is always in the kitchen. They don''t talk about sad things anymore, only


    positive things. I want them to stop.


    James spends more time with me now, and his father hasn''t left. James told his father about me and


    didn''t tell me how he reacted. His father helps with the pack a bit, working while James is with me. I


    feel like I''m holding him back. I feel guilty, but I do enjoy spending time with him. It''s the only good thing


    "Good morning," I hear him mumble as he shifts and rolls over, facing me. I''m always awake before


    him.


    The sun is just beginning to rise and the walls are coated in warmth. His hair is messy and Ib


    through it with my fingers. "Good morning."


    "How are you feeling today?"


    "Better," I tell him honestly. "Ever since I stopped reading the diaries I''ve been feeling better."


    "Good," he says, moving to get up, but I grab onto him.


    "Not yet. I like these moments."


    James settles back down. "Well, we can talk about my fathering for dinner then. He wants to meet


    you."


    "What? He wants to meet me? I thought he was upset when he found out about me?"


    "He was at first, but I think he''s warming up to the idea. I think it''s a good sign. Maybe he''s changed,"


    James says. "But until I know for sure, I''m going to be cautious. I don''t want him around you if he''s


    going to snap."


    "Snap?" I question.


    James shrugs it off. "Don''t worry about it. I don''t want you worrying about anything, okay?"


    I nod and settle back down. "So he''sing tonight then?"


    "If it''s alright with you."


    "I mean, of course. I want to meet him, too," I say, curious about this man who holds such an unclear


    reputation. I''ll have to see for myself.


    Later in the day, when James has left the house, I find myself in my bedroom alone,ying on my bed.


    Since that night, I''ve been trying to understand myself, trying to figure out how my mind went in the


    wrong direction so quickly. Maybe it was the diaries. Julianna''s thoughts must have gotten to me.


    Reading so much of that and rekindling an old fear wasn''t a good mix. That version of myself, that girl


    in the bathtub scares me. It was the darkest ce I''ve ever been, and yet I can''t figure out how it


    happened in only a sh.


    When I was younger my episodessted weeks at a time. Just when I was back home, my head wasn''t


    in a good ce, it was a steady descent down. But this time it was different. I was at a peak, I was the


    all-powerful Luna, the girl they wanted to be, the girl whoughs and kisses boys, I was willing to go


    there with James, then it was a free-fall down. I was pushed off a cliff and drowned in the depths of the


    ocean. There was no steady descent. I''m scared of falling off again. I don''t know what will happen if


    there''s a next time.


    I told myself that I wasn''t like his mother, and I know I''m not. I know it.


    Her diary is toxic. There was a difference between sad Rae when James was cold to me and sad Rae


    when I sat in the bathtub. I know the first one, I''ve been here many times in my life, but I don''t know the


    second one. She''s a stranger to me. She''s a different form of depression that didn''t feel like my own.


    I sound like Julianna, ming my problems on something that''s not really here, but it makes sense to


    me. If I immerse myself in the mind of a sick person, I will be sick, too.


    Later in the night, anticipating James'' Father''s arrival, I sit on my bathroom counter while brushing my


    hair, my back against the mirror. Theresa forgot to take the razor away from me after my shower, so I


    gave it back to her. She smiled and hugged me as if I had taken some big step to health. Either way, it


    felt nice to be hugged.


    James should be getting back any minute now to get ready for dinner, and I''m excited to see him. I


    wish our bond hasn''t strengthened because my plummet off of the cliff, but I feel close to him. My mind


    hasn''t changed about being with him in a very intimate way, but I haven''t brought it up. I don''t know


    how tempting I am while being treated like a mental patient. If I asked I may be turned down again, and


    that only makes me angry. He should be asking me. He said he needs me, and I assume in many


    different ways, and I know one of them is that way. I''m his mate, of course he wants to be with me, but


    he doesn''t act like it. I know it''s because he thinks I''m in a fragile state, so I''m not going to push it.


    I don''t feel fragile. I feel fine. I want to tell him that, but I don''t think he''d believe me. After trusting that


    I''d never do such a thing, I don''t expect him to.


    Running the brush through my hair, I cross my legs and sigh. I shall forever be the unmated Luna.


    Sliding off of the counter, I leave the bathroom and turn to my closet, needing to get dressed. Taking off


    the robe, I put on underwear and search for something dinner-like. I''ve never had much luck with


    dressing for dinner, and I don''t want to wear pajamas when meeting his father, so I take the time to look


    without getting overwhelmed.


    While I''m trying a few things on, Jameses in and I walk out of the closet to greet him as he sits


    down. He sits on the bed and falls back, looking tired. "Was it a rough day?" I ask, climbing up on the


    bed. I scoot in the way and he lifts his head up, resting it on myp. He closes his eyes.


    "It wasn''t that bad."


    "So you just missed me, then."


    He peers up at me. "Is it that obvious?"


    "Yes," I y along, not really knowing if he missed me. "Are you going to get ready?"


    "I would rather stay here," he says, rxing as I y with his hair.


    We stay like this for a little while, forgetting about dinner and dressing ourselves and making a good


    impression. I lean against the headboard and look ahead, taking my eyes off of him as he continues to


    rest in myp. "I really am feeling better," I say and he shifts.


    "I know, you told me this morning. I''m d you are."


    My hands stop moving. "But I really am. I just don''t want you to worry about me so much. Now that I''ve


    stopped reading the diaries, I feel like myself again and I don''t need people watching me. I don''t need


    to be babied."


    James sits up, turning around to face me. "Rae, it''s only been a week since that night."


    "And I''m already back to normal, that should be a good thing."


    He sighs. "What you did¡ªIt''s not like a cold that goes away in a few days. I said I wouldn''t call the


    doctor, so please don''t try to rush things. You''re feeling better, that''s all that matters."


    "Fine," I murmur and get off the bed, submerging myself back into the closet. "He''ll probably be here


    any minute, so go get ready."


    James leans into the closet before leaving, watching as I shuffle through things. "You know I''m only


    doing this because I care about you, Rae."


    "I know."


    I pull on a nice pair of pants and a cozy, weing sweater, something my mother might wear, before


    heading downstairs to help set the table. Gail and Theresa smile and chat as I carry tes and


    silverware into the dining room, setting everything at the three spots. James at the head of the table,


    me to the right, and his father to the left, if everything goes as nned in my head. I bring a ss


    pitcher of water and three sses out to the table as Jameses down. My eyes follow him as he


    nears the foyer, water pouring sloppily. I quickly wipe it up as I hear the door open, a new voice hardly


    reaching my ears.


    Gailes in and takes over, telling me to go and introduce myself. I stall for a moment, straightening


    a fork or two and bringing the dish towel used to wipe up stray drops of water back into the kitchen.


    Theresa takes it and leads me out of the kitchen, abandoning me in the hallway. I can see glimpses of


    them at the very end. James'' father''s scent is simr to his, and I wonder if that''s an Alpha thing.


    As they drift into the house, I have no other choice but to walk forward into the unknown. The two head


    down the hall ande to me like a stop sign. James smiles when he sees me and his father studies


    me while I do the same. It is a brief moment, but their simrities creep up my arms and grab me.


    His father looks like he could be a brother, only older. They have the same nose, and eyes, and jaw,


    and the more I look, the more I feel like I''m looking into the future. Though their eyes are simr,


    something about his fathers makes me squeamish, like arge needle nearing my arm.


    "Father, this is Rae East, my mate," James says, but I''m too engrossed in the weird feelings to act in


    the moment.


    His father holds out his hand.


    "Hello, Rae."

 Chapter 31 Chapter 31

    Chapter 31


    His father sits at the head of the table, James and I on either side of him. James constantly gives me


    reassuring looks, but I don''t know if he''s trying to reassure me or himself. It''s clear that he''s


    ufortable with this, me meeting his father. It only makes me nervous. It only makes the weird


    feelings grow.


    "So, Rae," his father begins, taking lead, "what pack do youe from?"


    "The Waters Pack," I answer timidly, not wanting to talk at all even though I agreed to this. I feel as I did


    when I first met James, hardly saying a word.


    His father nods. "And you''re not of an Alpha bloodline?"


    "No," I say carefully, "I''m not."


    He nods again. "Of a Beta bloodline?"


    I shake my head and throw in an amused smile to show that I''m not hurt, even though I am. I wonder if


    he''sparing me to Julianna, if so, he''s probably thinking that I''m worse at this point. At least she


    was of Alpha blood.


    James takes over and starts to talk about the rogue problem at the East Border and how they''re trying


    to solve it, giving me a moment to breathe. But it''s not long until hees back to me. "And what have


    you been up to as Luna?"


    James cuts in, trying to hold him back, "She hasn''t been announced as Luna yet."


    "Well surely she can announce herself as Luna," he says and looks to me, "right, Rae?"


    "I suppose," I mumble, not wanting to bring up the fact that I have told a few people.


    "No, it''s not her fault. I should be the one to do it."


    "I''m sure Rae can handle it. You''re busy, James, let her work some," he says, continuously pointing the


    finger at me. "I''m sure she needs things to do other than hanging around the house. Both the Alpha


    and the Luna need to work together, you see, that''s where I went wrong."


    I lift small forks of potato into my mouth, wanting to leave. I didn''t think he was going to bring up


    Julianna, let alone tantlypare us to them. "Rae is still getting used to the Pack," James


    exins, "I''m sure she''d love to help out when she''s ready."


    I nod. "Of course."


    "Good. The Packes first. I don''t want to see you two rushing towards having children when there is


    so much more to deal with. Family matters can wait until everything is near perfection, right Rae?"


    This is all one giant lesson on what not to do. Part of me wants to disagree and say that I want a child


    right now just to see what James will say, if he''d agree with his father. Maybe that''s why he doesn''t


    want to touch me, because he doesn''t want children. I don''t see how that''s a problem, though, with


    means of protection. "Right," I say, not knowing how I really feel, "the Packes first."


    When dinneres to an end, I help Gail and Theresa clean up while James says goodbye to his


    father. As I bring in the stack of tes, Gail asks, "How did it go?"


    "He doesn''t like me," I say.


    "Oh, I doubt that," Theresa joins in. "I''m sure you''re just taking what he said the wrong way, dear."


    "The entire time he was telling me what to do and how to be better. It''s clear that he''s disappointed in


    me as his son''s mate. He thought I was going to at least be of Alpha blood."


    Gail takes the tes from me, and I sit down at the counter. "Well, he''s leaving now, so don''t worry too


    much about it, alright? What matters is what you think, not him. James is your mate, not his father, so


    don''t try to impress him, alright?"


    "Okay. You''re right. At least he''s leaving."


    I head upstairs to change, wanting out of these clothes and back into myfortable ones. Assuming


    James woulde to see me, I''m not surprised when hees through my bedroom door. I quickly


    pull on my shirt when I hear him, leaving the bathroom to find him sitting on the bed. I have to know his


    thoughts on the dinner before I rant about his father''s words, so I''m relieved when he says, "I''m sorry


    about him. I didn''t think he''d go so far."


    I drift towards him, not feeling fiery anymore. "I didn''t think he would, either. I didn''t think the entire


    dinner was going to be a lesson in everything I''m doing wrong."


    "We both know he''s justparing you to my mother, trying to make you the anti-her."


    James nces up at me as I sit down. "Well, I don''t want to worry about it. He''s gone anyway."


    James looks away. "He''s not leaving. He''s actually very adamant about staying until he knows that


    we''re doing a good job." He notices my sudden shock and is quick to blow out my me. "Don''t worry,


    I''m going to talk with him tomorrow and tell him that he can''t stay. I''m going to tell him that he needs to


    go home and let me do my job."


    "You know he meant only me. He needs to make sure I''m doing a good job," I say,pletely


    annoyed. "You need to stand up to him."


    "I am," James assures me, cing his hand on my thigh, "he''s not going to be a problem, okay?"


    "Okay," I say softly, cing my hand on top of his, thinking back to my thoughts earlier. Should I ask


    him about it, or will I just make a fool out of myself? I''m tired of being embarrassed but I want to be


    open with him. Just thinking about it makes me restless. Those times when I''d sneak into his bedroom


    andy on his bed are fresh in my mind. Back then it took only his scent to send me into a frenzy, and


    I''ve learned to control myself, so I wonder if James has done the same. "When your father brought up


    rushing into having children... Is that why you''re so hesitant? You don''t want to worry about having


    children too soon? Because we both know there''s an obvious fix to¡ª"


    "No, Rae, that''s not the reason," he says, giving into the conversation.


    "Then will you tell me what is?" I ask gently, carefully so he doesn''t feel pressured to hide the truth.


    James takes in a breath as if he''s preparing to open up. I scoot closer, grabbing his hand and giving


    him an encouraging look. It feels odd holding an Alphas hand and encouraging him to tell me what he''s


    really thinking, but when I remind myself that he is also my mate, it makes sense again. "You''re so


    good, Rae," he murmurs, gazing into my eyes and bringing me towards some trance. "You''re good and


    pure and caring and forgiving, and I can''t bring myself to have you when I don''t deserve you. I can''t be


    with you after I''ve been so unfaithful to our bond."


    "You''re right. You were unfaithful. You didn''t deserve me, not in the slightest. But that''s all in the past,


    James. You''re a different person now, someone I know I can trust. You care about me, I see that, I see


    that you''ve changed. You need me, you keep me safe, you make sure that I''m okay, you deserve me


    now. I don''t want to hear you say otherwise when I know it''s not true. I''m telling you this, and that''s all


    that matters. I forgive you for being unfaithful, okay?" He shifts away. "James, I forgive you."


    "You shouldn''t."


    I grab his arm. "Well, I am. I''m forgiving you and you have to forgive yourself."


    He looks at me closely. "What I did is unforgivable."


    "Don''t say that. What do I have to do? Do I have to be with someone else to make it even? Is that what


    you want?" He immediately tenses. Inpatient and tired of it, I bring my hand to his face, holding his jaw


    so he can''t look away from me. "I forgive you. Do you forgive me for doing what I did that night?"


    "I do," he says, grabbing my arm, bringing my hand down, but I don''t want to let go of him so I keep my


    grasp on his shoulder.


    "I forgive myself for doing what I did. Now can you please, for me, at least try to forgive yourself for


    doing what you did?"


    James seems to rx under my touch. He leans into me and holds me against his chest, his hand


    gripping my shirt while the other holds tightly. "I will," he breathes out, "for you. You mean everything to


    me. You scared me, Rae. I was so afraid of losing you." His grip tightens and I feel myself getting


    emotional. "I''m sorry that I made you feel controlled or babied, I''m just worried about you. I can''t lose


    you."


    Tears Well in my eyes, and I hold him back, grasping to him as if he''s going to fall. "I''m sorry that I did


    that to you," I mumble. "Especially after what happened with your mother. I was unbelievably cruel." We


    stay like this for a moment, embracing each other until James pulls away, but he doesn''t let go of me.


    "All I wanted was to be close to you, James. I feel close now."


    He gives me a passionate, hard kiss, his arms still holding me close. "I''ve always wanted you. I''ve


    wanted you from the moment I saw you."


    "You can have me," I whisper.


    "Rae¡ª"


    "I know you feel guilty, but I like being only for you. I only want to be for you. No one else can have me


    but you, and I know you like it too." He gives me an intense look. "I can''t be anyone else''s, I don''t want


    to be anyone else''s, so you may as well make me yours in every way." My hand lightly touches the spot


    where my neck and shoulder meet, the ce where an Alphays his mark.


    James runs his hand down my shoulder. "You''re not of Alpha Blood. It will hurt."


    "I don''t care," I breathe out, watching as he nears the spot. I hold my breath and squeeze my eyes


    shut, feeling his hold tighten on my arm as his other hand grabs mine. I rest my head on his shoulder


    and feel him lightly kiss my skin before his teeth press against me. I feel them grow and sharpen, his


    canine teeth now exposed. My heart races relentlessly as he tightens his hold on me even more,


    wondering how bad it will hurt.


    He kisses my skin one more time before I feel the sudden and intense pain of his teeth burying into me.


    I flinch and yelp, my hand roughly squeezing his. I whimper as he lets go, making it all quick for my


    benefit. I take a deep breath and try to block out the throbbing, but it surprisingly fades away as James


    kisses the spot again. I rx as he takes the pain away, resting against him. He says against me, "Are


    you okay?"


    I nod, reassuring him as he moves away.


    Ccontent ? exclusive by N?/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.


    "You''re bleeding a bit," he tells me, but the overwhelming feeling of wholeness inside of me makes it


    hard to focus.


    "I''m okay," I mumble, my heart being stuffed with love.


    James asks, "In every way?"


    I feel his hands run up my thighs, lighting a fire inside of me. "In every way."

 Chapter 32 Chapter 32

    Chapter 32


    The nkets are soft against my skin. Light pours in through the closed shutters, giving a dim warmth


    to the room, and I feel his arms around me. I feel his shallow breaths just reach the back of my neck. I


    feel like another version of myself, one that I''ve never met, but one that takes away the anxiety and


    sadness that clouded my mind before. I''m still Rae, but I''m Content Rae. I''m Satisfied Rae. I''m Rae


    who just might be okay in the end.


    Right here, in this spot, I feel happy. It''s a light, cozy happiness that kisses your cheek in the morning


    and again before you fall asleep. It''s breathless and smells like home. It''s a cracked but lush sidewalk,


    filling up the holes with color and life. It''s summer days and nights on the beach, hearing nothing but


    the waves. Happiness is me and my one true partner acting as a team and not as enemies. It''s


    experiencing my lowest point then my highest, and being able to appreciate it, being able to let the past


    go.


    I was young and angry at my world. My family was broken, my father was dead, a self-hatred grew and


    devoured me. I was reckless and obsessed at the same time, acting like a fool towards others and


    revealing the pain only to myself. James knows that I was suffering, he''s seen the oue of years of


    my convincing. He doesn''t have to ask me if I hated myself in the past because as Theresa said, he


    observes, he reads people, he was a quiet child who had to do it to understand his family. That''s what


    we share, a broken family and years of getting over it. We both have sloppily tried to heal our wounds,


    but it wasn''t until now that I feel the bleedinging to a stop.


    James shifts beside me, holding me tighter. He takes a deep breath as if he''s preparing to wake up


    soon. I slip out of bed and head into the bathroom, feeling a little sore but rxed overall. Turning to


    the shower, I step right in and turn it on, letting the cold shock me awake for the second itsts before


    bing warm. I wash my hair and rinse it all out, enjoying the fresh smell of the shampoo when I


    hear James and feel his hands wrap around me the way I once imagined them. "Good morning," he


    hums in my ear.


    I''ve never felt so close to someone, so dependent, and so cared for. The trust established between us


    is permanent and we both understand the vulnerability we''ve given to each other. We know how it feels


    to be crossed, and we agreed that those feelings should never be felt again. Since our talk, since he


    marked me, and since we are fully mated, we''ve agreed to work as a team. Alpha and Luna.


    "Good morning," I mumble back, too focused on his hands to remember where I am.


    After our shower and after we''ve dressed ourselves and brushed ourselves and smiled at each other,


    we walk downstairs together. Theresa and Gail seem quite surprised and quickly make room for us at


    the table. "You want the usual?" Gail asks me.


    "What''s the usual?" James questions and I blush, feeling giddy already. Such little things have be


    so exciting.


    "Pancakes," I say, smiling.


    Gail makes some for the both of us, and while bringing forkfuls to my mouth I can''t help but keep the


    smiling act going. The sudden rush of emotions and sensations given to me have sent me overboard.


    Imagese to my mind fromst night and just earlier this morning. The feelings run through my


    body again, my nerves not wanting to forget what it all felt like. A deep wave washes over me, sending


    a chill up my spine.


    In my state of infatuation, I wonder if this is a temporary fix like the alcohol was. I wonder if I''ll find


    myself sobering up any minute only to obsess and nitpick at what we had donest night. Maybe I


    should hold onto this moment while I can, just in case I am shoved off another cliff. It is a terrifying


    thought, wondering if Nightmare Rae wille again andy me down in the bathtub. Needing to get


    away from such ideas, I fork another bite into my mouth and look up at James. "I''lle with you


    today, to talk to your father. I feel like I should be there too."


    "You cane if that''s what you really want. I''d hate for you to get upset again if he said something


    offensive."


    I shake my head. "No, I''ll be fine. I want to be there for you."


    I stand in my mirror while James waits downstairs for me. Sometimes I don''t know who I''m looking at, if


    it''s Old Rae, or Nightmare Rae, or Content Rae. The worrying part is, that I don''t remember Rae. I don''t


    remember a time when I was simply me, and that makes my skin curl. If I had to guess, I stopped being


    Rae after my father''s death, but even then I was too young to make a person of myself.


    Somethings I need to keep to myself, and one is this. Even if James never hurt me, if he was freakishly


    perfect, I wouldn''t try and exin these moments to him. It''s not for anyone but me, whoever I am


    today. That is the one thing all of my versions have inmon, they understand that these thoughts


    are to never be shared. It is not because I am embarrassed or dodging the fact that something may be


    wrong with me, it is because there is just no way for me to exin it and keep the reputation I have in


    everyone''s head. As of now, Gail and Theresa think I''m a sad girl who needs more love, Theodore


    probably finds me crazy and reckless, and my mother thinks I''m a stubborn child, and I can handle this


    way.


    ? N?velDrama.Org - All rights reserved.


    After my first gathering, at the fragile age of sixteen, I had promised myself that I could be happy


    without a mate. It took me nearly four years to realize that wasn''t true. It''s possible that I''m one of those


    people who just need more time than others. Gail and Theresa already know about my incident, and


    that is as much as they ever need to know.


    I meet James downstairs and we walk side by side towards the Eastern borders where his father has


    been working on the rogue issue. Along the way, James talks about going on runs together, and his


    desire to converse about more things we can do with each other brings back hits of the lightness I felt


    earlier. My fear of losing this happiness is holding me back from fully embracing it, but sometime along


    the way I forget about my prodding thoughts and limit myself to listening to him.


    When wee up to a few guards, James'' demeanor changes and I know it''s because Alpha-mode


    must take over to keep loyalty. He asks where his father is and one of the three says "he''s just through


    those trees."


    Part of me wants to grab James'' hand, but the other knows that I must be a strong individual, showing


    everyone that I am an independent and serious Luna. That is the best kind, right?


    James spots his father grouped with more guards, all looking tired, sweaty, and pink. His father sees us


    right away and excuses himself from themotion, obviously in charge of the bunch. One or two


    wolves emerge from the trees, shifting and causing me to swiftly look away, focusing on his father


    again. "We have to talk," James starts, sounding firm. "We think it''s time you went back home. The


    rogue problem is dying down and I''m sure I can take over from here."


    His father wipes the droplets of sweat from his forehead, ncing at me, knowing Iined. I stand


    my ground and puff up my chest, not wanting to show the nervousness pumping through me. "Are you


    sure?" He asks carefully and does not seem normal. He talks as if he is still Alpha, he continues to use


    the tone of an Alpha, and I''m sure James doesn''t appreciate it. "The rogues are starting to leave, yes,


    but there are still so many to go. Really, I believe there is a camp forming and I think I should be here to


    handle it."


    James clenches his jaw. "And you think I can''t? Have you forgotten about the camp problems two


    years ago that I stopped in a week?"


    His father looks at me again, sighing. "You don''t have to make up all of this. I know why you want me


    gone."


    "I''m sure you were a wonderful Alpha," I join in, "and I know James appreciates all you''ve done for the


    pack while I''ve been sick, but we''re back on track and are ready to handle everything again. I''m sure


    you want to get back to rxing, right? How about we just let James do his job?"


    Just before James'' father can respond, James surprises me by saying, "No. You''re right. You do know


    why you have to leave."


    I look up at James quickly thinking about grabbing his hand now just to stop him from going overboard,


    but it''s toote.


    "That entire dinner all you did was criticize Rae and the way we''re doing things. She is my mate, she is


    the Luna of this pack, not some twisted version of my mother. You need to leave because I don''t want


    you around her, and I''m sure after throwing all of your ''improvements'' at her, she doesn''t want you here


    either. If you can''t be supportive and encouraging towards my mate, you have to leave, and I have


    enough evidence to kick you out right now without hesitation. Either you leave peacefully and avoid


    I grab his hand.


    His father nods, clearly upset. "Don''t worry," he mutters backing up, "I''ll go. But when you need my help


    again, which you will, I expect an apology."


    James squeezes my hand, pulling me closer as we watch his father walk away. "Get back to work," he


    tells the nearby guards and they immediately turn and continue with whatever they were doing before


    the argument just now. He leads me back in the direction we came from, not letting go of my hand. I


    quickly catch up to his pace.


    "Where are we going?" I ask, hurrying along.


    "We''re going to make ns for your announcement. We''ll have a party and I''ll invite the leadership of


    other packs and everyone can dress up. I''ll send invitations and we can have it in the ballroom."


    I slow down, causing James to snap back to reality. "You don''t have to do all of that," I say, genuinely


    not expecting suchvish and grand event. Just thinking about more Alphas and Luna''s and Betas and


    everyone in some privet version of the gathering, with more dresses and ties and casual conversations,


    makes me need to stop and rest for a moment.


    "I want everyone to know," he says, fueled. "You deserve for everyone to know. You deserve a nice


    party."


    We continue back towards the pack house and I tell Gail and Theresa of James'' ns as he makes a


    few calls. They seem excited by the idea of a party and tell me that it''d be good for me, but they only


    think I''m a sad girl who needs more love and don''t know about Rae who struggles at public events, and


    now I am doubting my theory that I''m fine with people knowing what they know. Maybe I should blend


    all of the versions of myself into one, but the more that I think about that idea, the more I worry that


    some are stronger than the others. I don''t know who would take over the rest, and I''m scared that may


    be the girl whoys in the bathtub.


    If I embrace her, she may strangle the others and eventually her hands would be around my neck.


    So I agree with Gail and Theresa, finding my way back to Content Rae.

 Chapter 33 Chapter 33

    Chapter 33


    "Do you like this one more than thest one?"


    I turn away from the mirror and shrug. "I don''t know, Gail. They''re all pretty, I just can''t make up my


    mind, I guess."


    Gail picks up the next dress by the hanger and hands it to me, this time giving me a long, ck dress


    with a slit on the left side, covered byce. I take it and shuffle into the bathroom, tired of looking at


    myself in the mirror while I yank them on. Each time the bags under my eyes seem to grow darker and


    I contemte just picking a random one from the pile just so we can stop. "Where do all these dresses


    evene from?" I ask through the door, pulling the dark fabric over my legs.


    "James asked me to get you some things to try on for the party, so I did. Be d that you have


    options," she says as Ie out, spinning around so she can zip me up. "I like this one."


    "Good. Then I''ll wear this one," I rush and make my way back to the bathroom to take it off, not needing


    much of a nce in the mirror at all.


    "We''ve got two more, Rae. Try them on just so you''re sure."


    I peer back at her and sigh. "I''ve tried on plenty. This one is my favorite."


    She holds up thest two, one in each hand. "Are you sure?"


    My eyes scan over the red, shorter one on the right then the silver, endless, simple one on the left. "I''m


    sure. I want to wear ck."


    "ck can be a little sad, can''t it?"


    I take a closer look in the mirror, liking how it is long-sleeved andcy and elegant. "I don''t think it is. I


    think it looks polished and clean." I dare say that I look pretty, mysterious and pretty. A small smile lifts


    my cheeks and Gail sets down thest two.


    "Alright. What shoes are you going to wear?"


    My eyes drift to the closet and I grab my heels, the only pair I own, the short-heeled cream ones my


    mother gave me. "These don''t go, do they?"


    Gail shakes her head. "What size shoe are you?"


    I look at the sole of the shoe and read off, "an eight."


    "I''ll bring you something before you get ready, then. Remember, shower and dress and everything by


    six. James should be home in an hour," she says as she leaves my room with the tried-on dresses


    when he doesn''t."


    "Okay, I will," I call and the door closes. I turn back to the ck dressid on my bed and run my hand


    over it, feeling a bit more prepared and assured now. At least I''ll look nice and not chest-less as I did in


    my old gold dress. This feels as if I''m turning to a new page. It''s time to attend a party like a leader and


    not a drunk. I''ll walk in with James, my Alpha, and I''ll greet everyone who intimidates me with my chin


    held high. It sounds like the right thing to do.


    The past week¡ªwhile everything has been put together for tonight¡ªmy mind has been drifting to


    thoughts of panic and my eyes have been looking for an escape, but I have to remember that I am one


    of them now, a leader. Alpha blood or not, I belong here and I''m not going to let anyone take that from


    me. I''m sure I''ll run into rude Luna''s at the party, people who find me inadequate, and I know that I''ll be


    tested. It''s good that I''ve prepared myself in the mirror, saying things like: "Oh, I''m not Alpha blood, but


    the Moon Goddess brought us both here, didn''t she?" And, "Yes, I know it''s rare for a normal werewolf


    to be mated to an Alpha, and it''s also rare that she''s Luna of one of the strongest packs, crazy right?"


    And even, "Disrespect me one more time and yournd will have my name written on it in blood."


    Yes, I did get angry at my reflection for no reason at all, but I did hype myself up for tonight. Obviously,


    everyone attending is an ally and I''m not going to start a war, but acting like a bad ass was amusing.


    Part of me wants to wear a gun strapped to my thigh tonight just to carry that fiery feeling with me.


    I''ve grown used to the happy version of myself, and I''m not going to let her go anytime soon.


    As for James, he has been in Alpha-mode ever since his father left, taking charge of the rogue situation


    and fixing it within a few days. After that he''s been on some sort of mission to strengthen and sharpen


    the guards, giving them longer and tougher training workouts, determined to never let another rogue


    past our borders. He tells me that he thinks of myying under a dead rogue whenever a guard


    protests, and tells the guard of it, and that they get right back to work.


    Ever since he''s been all ''tough leader'' he''s also been very open with his ''cravings'' for me as he puts it,


    and I think his animalistic side is getting to his head. But I can''t lie and say that it doesn''t make me


    weak in the knees.


    After I shower and wash my face and dry my hair, I head out into my bedroom with my robe wrapped


    cozily around me, in search for my minuscule amount of makeup. Really, it''s not used enough to be


    considered mine, and I''m sure all of it was taken from my mother before she could even use it herself. I


    find the small, blue pouch tucked on a shelf in the closet, and I bring it back to the bathroom, dumping


    its holdings out on the counter. There''s an unopened tube of mascara, a hardly-usedpact of blush,


    apact of powder, and a fresh tube of a nude beigey-pink lipstick named Rosaleen.


    Intrigued by the lipstick, I carefully coat some on my lips and stand back in the mirror to get a good


    look. "That''s nice," I murmur and click the lid back on the tube.


    My hand then reaches for the mascara, twisting it open and holding up the ck, spiked end to my eye.


    I hold my breath as I steadily run it through myshes, darkening them and making them a tad longer.


    "That''s nice too," I murmur again and peer down at the twopacts. I grab the powder and open it


    up, the shade light and brightening. With the puff underneath the powder, I tap it into the product and


    think logically. To brighten would make the spot seemrger and to darken would make it smaller, so I


    dab some under my eyes and on my cheekbones, and I stand back again.


    I think it did something. If anything, it made my under-eyes less dark and look more awake, so I''m


    going to take this as a sess. Finding the blush somewhat intimidating with its deep pink color, I dab


    some of the lipstick on my cheeks instead and blend it with my finger.


    I let my hair down and run my fingers through it, feeling my heart beating faster from excitement to put


    on the dress. I can''t wait for James to see me.


    The dressys in its spot on the bed, and I slip on my nice underwear before abandoning my robe for


    the dark, soft fabric. I manage to zip it up halfway myself before seeking help from someone in the


    house. My bare feet pad against the wood floors and I call down the steps, "Gail? Theresa?"


    After hearing no reply, I turn to James'' doors to see a thin strip of light at the bottom. I wanted to wait


    until I had my shoes and everything, but I suppose I''ll have to reveal myself now. Actually, thinking back


    to Gail''s words earlier, I am supposed to make sure James is on time, so I hurry and knock twice,


    calling, "James, are you getting ready? I need you to zip me."


    He calls back, "Come in," so I do. I wander inside to find clothes on the bed and the bathroom light on.


    He emerges half-dressed, his hair still damp. "Look at you," he breathes out, nearing me and I can''t


    help but smile. "You look gorgeous, absolutely breathtaking."


    I turn around, showing him the unzipped zipper. "Thank you."


    A warmth fills me, but instead of feeling the zipper move up, I feel James'' hands sneaking through,


    feeling his fingers against my skin. "James," I warn, "you have to get ready. We''re leaving in twenty


    minutes."


    He sighs and zips up the dress, leaving a kiss on my neck as he does so, specifically on his mark. He


    turns me around and gives me a quick, firm kiss before letting go and grabbing his shirt from the bed. I


    stand with a flushed face as he slips on and buttons up the shirt, watching him for a moment before


    descending back to reality. "I''m going to go and wait for Gail. I''ll meet you downstairs."


    I wish my mother could see me like this, acting as a Luna and dressed as one too. I told her of the


    party over the phonest night, and she said to have a good time and that she wishes she could be


    there. After she said that I realized this party will be cluttered with important people, but not my family.


    Of course James will be there, but not my mother or my father.


    I don''t want to think about it too much because I am enjoying my excitement over the party, and I don''t


    want to switch to disappointmentst minute. I''m sure everything will be wonderful anyway, and I don''t


    want to mope after so much work has been put into the event.


    Gail arrives back with ten minutes left and she hands me a pair of ck heels. There''s a thin strap at


    the top that wraps around my ankle, and as I secure the tiny buckles, I find that it looks delicate. "Thank


    you, they''re perfect," I say, looking up at her. "Where did you get them?"


    "They were James'' mothers."


    I stop. "Really?"


    "Yes. I saw them in storage a few weeks ago and thought they were beautiful. It''s just a coincidence


    that you''re the same size."


    "Well, they''re lovely," I say, not overthinking it. "I''m d you remembered them."


    Jameses downstairs and when I see him all dressed up, it reminds me of when I firstid eyes on


    Exclusive ? content by N(?)ve/l/Drama.Org.


    him. He grabs my hand and Gail wishes us luck before we head out the door. Together we walk down


    the pathway towards the center of the pack, where the ballroom is. It''s quiet outside for where we are,


    and moonlight drips from branch to branch before pooling at our feet, lighting the way. With our arms


    linked, I rest my head against his shoulder.


    "Thank you for doing all of this," I say softly, my voice matching the gentle hum of nature around us.


    "We aren''t even there yet," James says, leading me through the trees.


    "I know it''s going to be great anyway."


    He looks down at me and I smile, enjoying his warmth. As we walk along, I wonder if a girl wille


    stumbling from behind a tree as I did, lost, discouraged, and confused. I already know what I would say


    to her: Yes, you are mated to an Alpha, and no, you are nothing like Julianna.


    She won''t understand the second part until muchter, though.

 Chapter 34 Chapter 34

    Chapter 34


    Many strangers greet us as we make our way inside. Though I am familiar with the building from the


    gathering, it lookspletely transformed. Sure, it was dressed up before, but everything is switched


    around now. There are fewer tables and instead more room for standing and chatting or whatever


    leaders do. As my eyes scan the area, I see most people standing with a drink, in groups of two to five


    people. And unlike the gathering, there are guards at the doors outside and inside. Coincidentally, I


    spot Theodore with one other guard towards the back, and I immediately make ns in my head to see


    him.


    James ces his hand lightly on my back, reeling me back to the current situation. Knowing that we''ll


    have to wee everyone, his movements towards the grouped people don''t surprise me. I take a


    quick breath before we reach the first one, a set of three.


    "Can we interrupt?" James says to the woman and two men, in a friendly way. His free hand gently


    touches the woman''s shoulder as he speaks, causing her to swiftly spin around.


    "Alpha Grant," she cheers, the other two facing us as well. "I was wondering when you''d get here. You


    always keep me waiting," she scolds in a motherly way. "You know I''ve been dying to meet her."


    She turns to me as she says it, and I smile. Oddly enough, the woman gives me a loose hug and I


    nce up at James. "Rae, this is Renee. She was good friends with my mother," he exins, and I


    make sure to smile even more when she pulls away. "She is Alpha Alder''s Luna."


    The man standing next to her moves closer and reaches his hand out, so I shake it and assume he is


    Alpha Alder. It is difficult to tell who is an Alpha when in a crowd stuffed with them. "It''s nice to meet


    you."


    "We won''t be Alpha and Luna for much longer, I''m afraid. Our son is taking over any day now, all he


    has to do is let him," she nudges her mate.


    Alpha Alder says, "He''s getting there."


    "Anyway, when I saw that you were having an announcement party I nearly fainted. I''ve been waiting


    for this day, your mother and I both. Oh, she''d be so happy, James. And you," she switches back to me,


    "you even look a bit like her, so beautiful. Which pack did youe from, dear?"


    "The Waters Pack," I say, thankful that''s she''s asking easy questions.


    "And where did you two meet?"


    "A gathering at the Waters Pack," James takes over. "I went to meet with Alpha Waters while a few


    pack members attended the event. We ran into each other."


    She looks to me again, the sweet expression sticking to her face and never peeling off. "And he''s good


    to you?"


    "Yes, He is."


    His hand returns to my back and my heart finally settles. "I hate to leave you, but we have to make our


    way around, greet everyone, you know."


    "Of course, of course," she shoos us off, "it was lovely meeting you, Rae."


    "It was nice to meet you too," I say back, my voice light and airy.


    We make our way around the room, and I introduce myself to Alphas, Luna''s, and Betas, and I wonder


    how James has so many allies. Maybe it is not soplicated, maybe it is simply because he is a


    good, smart Alpha who knows what he''s doing. I haven''t gotten the chance to see him in a action many


    times, so hopefully after this, when my announcement is official, and when I''ll be helping around the


    pack, I''ll get to.


    Many of the Alphas we walk up to seem to admire James greatly, and I feel as if I''m being introduced to


    a new side of him. They are quick to apud him for fixing the rogue situation, and I wonder if I should


    have myself. I didn''t know it was such a big deal. Maybe that''s just another sign of myck of


    experience. It''s another push for me to get involved with the pack and to learn about my position.


    Like a pair of cherries, we stay close, James doesn''t leave my side. Whenever I stumble or struggle to


    find the right words, he takes over and eases me back in, knowing that I am not the most charismatic


    person. Most of the women I meete off as confident and powerful, but none of them are rude.


    None of them point out myck of Alpha Blood unlike I expect. It is hard to keep up with them, though.


    It''s clear that these women are experienced when ites to events such as this. But it''s when I spot a


    girl around my age that a sense of curiosity hits me. After we leave Alpha Reynolds and his Beta, I lead


    James towards her.


    "Alpha Grant," a man turns and pats James on the shoulder. "Quite the announcement you got going


    on here."


    The younger girl drifts towards the man, and I notice her pregnant stomach right away. She warms up


    to him, no longer looking cold.


    "It''s nice to see you again, Lance," James says back and after going through the normal round of


    introductions¡ªfinding out that the girl is his Luna¡ªJames and Alpha York immerse themselves in a


    deep conversation. I keep ncing at the girl, excited to have found a Luna that can possibly rte to


    me. We''re both likely the youngest Luna''s here.


    My hand stays caught in James'' as my eyes roam over herrge belly again. "Hi," she says surprisingly


    and straight-to-the-point even though it is one word. "I know we kinda already introduced ourselves, but


    I''m Ava, again."


    We seem to separate from our mates, creating our own conversation while they ramble on about the


    rogue situation. "I''m Rae, again."


    She smiles, and out of all the smiles I''ve been given tonight so far, hers seems the most genuine. "I see


    you ncing at my belly," she says, rxed. "I''m pregnant¡ªjust in case you thought it was because of


    some other bizarre reason."


    "Oh, no. I know. I''m sorry for staring."


    She shrugs, her gold dress flowing from her body with hints of sparkles as it cascades down. Ava looks


    to be truly glowing. "I don''t mind. A lot of the woman in here stare at it and nudge their mates. The men,


    not so mesmerized, but the woman are constantly asking to feel. So, are you wanting one for yourself


    or are you just intrigued by the fact that I''ve been standing for this long?"


    A shortugh escapes me. "No, no I''m just intrigued, I guess. I mean, I''m mostly just d to see


    someone around my age who''s also in my position."


    "Yeah, not a lot of young ones right now. Honestly, it''s pretty nice talking to someone who doesn''t scold


    their mate for not giving them a baby yet after talking to me. So, you''re not Alpha Blood? That''s what


    I''ve been hearing. The crowd whispers."


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    I shake my head, happy that someone finally brought it up. Sure, at first it was a relief that no one


    noticed, but after a few stares and hints, I''ve been growing impatient. "No, I''m not Alpha Blood, I''m


    regr blood."


    "Well, how regr can you be if you''re mated to Alpha Grant?" She asks, not really asking, though.


    "Honestly, there''s no difference besides the whole born with power thing."


    "There''s the pain," I share, not knowing why I feel sofortable around her. At this point it can''t be


    her age, it must be her personality. Something about Ava tells me that she''s not judgmental.


    "It hurt when he marked you, huh?"


    I nod. "But I''m sure that''s it, though there are not many people to ask. The chance of an Alpha being


    mated to a non-Alpha Blood is more unlikely than I first thought."


    Our easy conversation continues until I notice someone out of the crowd. First, he appears in the


    corner of my eye, then as a sh in the crowd. I carefully look from person to person, not seeing him


    anymore. A feeling rises inside of me, and I grab James'' arm. He breaks conversation with Alpha York


    and looks down to me. "Is everything alright?"


    My eyes find his immediately. "Is your father here?"


    "No, Rae. He hasn''t been back. Why?"


    I gaze at the crowd again. "I thought I saw him."


    "Are you sure?"


    "I don''t know, maybe I just got him mistaken with someone else. I''m probably seeing things."


    James looks over the people himself then says, "Excuse us," to Ava and Alpha York before grabbing


    my hand and leading me away.


    "Did you see something?" I ask in a hushed tone, my voice rushed.


    "No, but I''m going to talk with a guard."


    Coincidentally, James walks up to Theodore and motions for him to follow us. We go into the back


    corner of the room before James tells Theodore to


    "Walk around the room and send a few guards outside to scan the area. Rae believes she saw my


    father and we just want to make sure."


    Theodore is quick to nod and head off. My eyes follow him as he joins the crowd, motioning for nearby


    guards to follow him. "They''ll double check, alright?"


    I peer up at James and say, "Okay."


    We walk around a bit more and it''s not long before James gets sucked into another serious


    conversation. I try to join and pay attention, but all I want is to find Ava again. Eventually, I give in and


    tell James that I''ll be with her if he needs me, and he lets me go. Really, he looks rather happy that I


    have found a possible friend within the leaders.


    I weave my way through the crowd, stopping every few seconds to say hello. It''s not until fifteen


    minutes of brief conversation end that I find Ava sitting down at one of the few tables. She sees me


    walking over and says, "I couldn''t stand for much longer. I needed a break."


    I sit down with her. "Where''s Alpha York?"


    "I told him to go converse even though he insisted on sitting with me. He just left a couple minutes ago.


    Where''s Alpha Grant?"


    "He''s talking about serious things with other Alphas."


    "Oh, about the King of the Alphas thing?"


    I look to her, my eyes leaving the crowd. "What?"


    "The King of the Alphas, or whatever they call it."


    "No, I heard you, I just have no idea what you''re talking about."


    "Really? James never told you about it?" She questions, curious.


    "No, I''ve never heard of that."


    "Well, it''s this idea floating around that the Alphas need someone in charge of them, like a head Alpha."


    "What? Why?"


    Ava leans in. "Well, there have been some recent problems with some Alphas causing issues. You


    know, attacking other packs, threatening, killing, trying to turn on the other Alphas. We''ve been at


    peace for a few years, and the packs don''t want to lose it. These Alphas are going to bring us back to


    war times if someone doesn''t get them under control."


    Not knowing what to think, I feel like I''ve finally been epted into the leader''s circle of private


    information. These are things only Alphas and Luna''s know, and it''s both unsettling and intriguing at the


    same time. "Really? I had no idea. James and I don''t really talk about those kinds of things, not yet."


    "Well, James'' name has been brought up a few times. I attended thest Alpha meeting with Lance


    and they were talking about it, bringing up possible people who could do it."


    "Be head of the Alphas?" I question, not even grasping onto the fact that there''s ''Alpha meetings.''


    "Yeah."


    "And people mentioned James?"


    Ava nods.


    "I can''t believe he hasn''t told me," I breathe out and sit back. "That''s¡ªI don''t even know. Crazy? How


    could someone be head of Alphas?"


    "Like I said, it''s just an idea."

 Chapter 35 Chapter 35

    Chapter 35


    Making my way through the people again, back the way I came, I find James and ask him if we can


    talk. He gives me a worried look and excuses himself before following me back into the corner. "Is it


    about my father?" He asks. "The guards reported back that they saw nothing."


    "No, it''s not. Ava told me about this King of Alphas thing. What is she talking about, James? Howe


    you never said anything?"


    He lets out a breath and rxes. "It''s nothing. It''s just some idea that a few people have been tossing


    around."


    "She told me that it was discussed at some Alpha meeting and that your name was brought up. If it''s


    being talked about at some all-important meeting then it sounds serious to me."


    James grabs my hand, using the bond as some sort of assurance. "If I thought it was important, I would


    have told you. It''s been in discussion for a while, even before I met you, Rae. It''s not likely. And the


    meetings happen every two or three months. I didn''t go to thest one because I was handling things


    with you. They aren''t as secretive or as interesting as they sound, I promise."


    I sigh. "Okay. I just feel like I''m finally being let in on all the secrets, and I want you to tell me about


    everything. I want to learn and grow, so if there''s anything else that I don''t know about, and that


    involves you, I''d like you to tell me before anyone else. We''re a team, right?"


    "Of course," he murmurs. "And I will."


    The night continues on, and after another hour I find myself nodding off. As we stand and talk, I lean


    against James, depending on him to hold me up and not let me tumble to the ground. At one point my


    eyes shut and stay shut, and James gently taps my back to wake me up. "The party is almost over,


    why don''t you head back and sleep," he says softly into my ear while the two men across from us


    babble on.


    "No, no, I can''t go. It''s my party," I mumble, forcing myself to lean off of him, showing him that I''m not


    tired. "I can wait."


    "I promise everyone is leaving in a few minutes. I''ll meet you back at the house after I thank everyone


    foring."


    "No," I protest, "I need to thank them, too."


    I stand for five more minutes before I feel James move. Assuming he''s walking to more people to start


    the ''Thank You''s,'' I mindlessly trail along. "Can you take her home, Theodore? She''s falling asleep."


    Awake again, I quickly mutter, "I''m not. I''m going to say goodbye."


    "Let''s go," Theodore says and grabs my arm, leading me out like a grandmother. I give James a re


    and he smiles and I can''t help but not re because he''s so charming.


    "I''ll be there in half an hour, okay?" James calls as we exit the building.


    I obediently walk with Theodore, but I can''t help but say, "I could have stayed. I''m fine. I didn''t get much


    sleepst night, but I can handle it for a few more minutes."


    "We''re already on the way," he says and I listen, beginning to look forward to my bed.


    It''s dark now, the sky blends with the tops of the trees, and I can hardly tell the two apart. My eyes don''t


    really watch the ground as I walk, but I don''t stumble, and I''m sure it''s because I''m busy dreaming of


    sleep, and Theodore is doing all the work. He pulls me out of the way when somethinges up on


    the path, a tree root or stone that I''d be sure to trip over.


    Thinking of myselfying in bed is easy when I''ve only slept for four hours in nearly two days. I was


    nervous for the party before I had my battle with myself in the mirror, and the anxious thoughts came at


    night. Iid beside James and enjoyed the feeling of it for the majority, finding a simple distraction in


    him.


    Theodore takes me all the way to the front door and I say ''goodnight'' and ''thank you'' before he leaves.


    The house is empty, Gail and Theresa being gone by now. I''ve never liked the feeling of an empty


    house because it feels eerily full when I''m the only one home. All of the stray bumps and creeks spook


    me like a child. When I was younger, and when my mother would be gone at night, I would stay strictly


    in my bedroom with the door shut. Every light would be on in my safe space because for some reason


    children think lights can save them.


    I make my way upstairs and struggle with the zipper of my dress, twisting my arm around and pulling


    down, frustrated and exhausted. It eventually gives in and I abandon it on the floor, a ck puddle for


    me to identally step inter.


    I groan and slip on a pair of pajamas before crashing to the bed, toozy to do anything else. I stretch


    out like a cat, letting the nkets absorb me fully, pulling the edge to my chin. All is well and I drift off


    within minutes, expecting to wake up when James gets home. Sounds prod at my sleeping head, but


    nothing wakes me, not until I hear the bedroom door open.


    The scent fogs my mind and I struggle to get up, feeling like my body weighs ten times heavier than


    normal. "James?" I croak.


    Everything is quite a blur until I am yanked up by my arm. Like being sshed with water, I panic into a


    state of alertness, my heart shooting forward along with my body. The grip is tight and unfamiliar, yet


    the scent grows familiar so I look up. It looks like James, but some odd version of him. My eyes


    struggle to focus and everything seems to vibrate. It takes a second or two until I realize it''s his father,


    but by then he''s forcing me to my feet.


    My legs refuse to work along with my head, but his father doesn''t stop.


    "What are¡ªWhat are you doing here? What are you doing?" I grumble, regaining my body back.


    "James isn''t here."


    He attempts to take me into the bathroom, but I hold back. "James isn''t here," I say again, my


    conscience returning. "You need to leave, now."


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    His father is rushed with his movements and he grabs me again, jerking me into the bathroom and


    letting me fall to the tiled floor. Nearly hitting my head on the bathtub, I frantically attempt to get up, but


    he pushes me back down then grabs something out of his pocket. I catch I glimpse of the de and my


    heart plummets, screams leaving me as soon as I can muster. He blocks my sudden run to the door,


    wrapping his arms around me. I kick and kick and try to break free, blood rushing to my face.


    Hot tears stream down my flushed cheeks as he shuffles towards the tub. My throat is dry and strained


    but the cries and screams continue to erupt from within, bringing him to tighten his hold each time.


    He pulls me into the tub with him. My feet shoot up and down, my heels hitting the porcin, and I try


    to make as must noise as possible. James'' father''s hand covers my mouth, his nails digging into my


    skin, and his other holds up the thin de. Not letting him get ahold of my arms, I keep moving. "We''re


    gonna have to do this the hard way, huh?" He grunts, his hand falling from my mouth for only his arm to


    wrap around my neck. The hold isn''t too hard, but I still can''t breathe, and I know it''s because he


    doesn''t want to leave a dark mark. Tears continuously fall, and the panic grows into a dense cloud


    around me, suffocating me.


    "You didn''t finish the diary, did you?" He says near my ear, my face turning a deeper red. My hands


    w at his arm and the logic for survival settles in, my animalistic side taking over my brain. As he


    wants, I go limp. After a few seconds, he lets go and I fight my body to not take a deep breath or


    cough. I don''tst long though, and I spring to life, managing to slip from his grasp. Scrambling from


    the tub, Ind hard on my side, my hip already feeling bruised. My head is heavy and my throat is tight,


    but I crawl for the door and tug on the handle, falling with it as it opens.


    He''s quick to grab my legs, but I look back and kick again, causing him to lose his hold. I get a good


    shot at his chest and he lets out a violent cough.


    Sweat rolls down my forehead and I get to my feet, running down the hall as I cry out. It''s an inaudible


    mix of ''help'' and ''James'', but the ground seems to wave and my head bes dense with a harsh


    dizziness, the pressure pushing me down the stairs. I slide down and cry out again, this time from the


    extra hits on my hip. My hair sticks to my face, and I scratch it away and I struggle to get up.


    James'' fathers pounding footsteps be louder and louder, and I contemte running to the kitchen


    for a knife or running for the front door. Knowing that I have to shift, I dash for the door and manage to


    get my hand on the handle, but he grabs my hair. I yelp and whine as he pulls me back, my hair


    knotted around his fingers. He attempts to wrap his arm around my neck again, but I quickly duck, my


    hair ripping out. In a sh, the handle is mine again and I yank the door open, hitting him and sprinting


    for my life. With my hip screaming, I nce back and nce back, only hearing my heavy breaths as I


    power on.


    Thest thing I see before shifting and running into the woods is arge wolf tackling his father to the


    ground. All the movements blend into one blur, but I swear that his father stopped moving. I swear the


    man is dead in the grass, facing the moon.


    The Goddess stares down at him.


    The truth follows me, and I cannotprehend anything that has just happened. His voice ys over


    and over in my head, ''you didn''t finish the diary, did you?''


    I bury myself in the trees and I don''t look back again.

 Chapter 36 Chapter 36

    Chapter 36


    I sit in the dirt, against a tree, the bark scratching my bare back, and I stay curled up. A thin fog gathers


    around me, the air frigid. My fingers lose color and I feel as if these are the sensations of death.


    Everything is cold, so painfully and relentlessly cold. The feeling in my toes fade and I contemte


    shifting again to stay alive. I can''t be too far, I can''t be off of packnd. I should go back but I''m scared


    that his father will grab me again, that he''ll choke me and cut me as he did his wife.


    ''You didn''t finish the diary, did you?''


    A harsh shiver ovees me and I hold my bare body tighter, ready to shift even though my wolf is


    exhausted. This is what I get for not letting her out enough, she grows weak.


    I need to go back, I need to find James, he needs to know the truth about his¡ª


    I jolt forward, hearing a distant voice.


    Ites again.


    I attempt to stand up, my limbs frozen in ce and sore. My fingers grip at the bark of the tree, prying


    me from the ground, dirt getting under my nails. Then I feel him. His scent grows strong in the air.


    "Rae!"


    Relieved, I throw my head back. "James!" My voice is rough, hardly loud enough to sound like a yell.


    "I''m here!"


    I wobble in the direction of his voice, back from where I came. My ankles bend and my bare feet mold


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    over rocks and dead brush, and I use my hands to make myself decent, covering my body where


    needed. The wind is sharp against me, like little needles. "James?" I call again.


    He appears and hurries over to me, holding my robe. I knew he was the wolf who brought his father to


    the ground, the one who... He must have seen me run off. James grabs my arm and holds me up,


    keeping me stable as I wrap myself up. He catches a glimpse of the growing bruise on my hip and


    gently brushes his hand over it before the soft fabric of the robe can cover it.


    "H-He killed your mother," I mumble, telling him what he deserves to know. "He tried to kill me. He tried


    to get me in the bathtub."


    James pulls me in, his fingers seeping into my hair as he holds me close as if the sky were falling. "We


    have to go back, Rae. You''re freezing."


    I tense. "Is he¡ª"


    "He''s gone," James says simply. "Come on."


    He holds most of my weight as I limp along until he decides to carry me the rest of the way. I bask in


    his warmth, thawing my skin. His grip on me is tight, but I don''t tell him to ease up, I let him have me.


    "I''m okay," I say, needing him to process it.


    "You''re not. Your side is purple."


    "I''ll be okay."


    He nces down at me, looking extremely frustrated and upset, but mostly angry. "He killed my


    mother. And he almost took you too," he thinks over, letting out his jumbled thoughts into the open air.


    "If I didn''t get there..."


    "Don''t," I murmur against him, not wanting him to think about ''what if''s.''


    When we make it back to the house, my eyes trail to the ground, no longer seeing his father where he


    fact is inevitable, he killed his father to protect me. He saw the look on my face as I ran out of the


    house, he saw him chasing me. He heard the screams.


    He didn''t even need to think over the possibilities. All he needed to see was my fear. I wrap my arms


    around him now before he puts me down at the door. Tears well in my eyes but I make sure they don''t


    fall. "Tell me what happened," he says, easing me inside.


    I sit down in the living room, James standing before me. "I was sleeping and heard the bedroom door


    open. He just grabbed me and pulled me into the bathroom," recalling it makes the anxious feelings


    return, "he pushed me to the ground. I saw he had a knife or de or something before he pulled me


    into the bathtub."


    James seems ufortable and stiff, but I continue, "He tried to cut me but I wouldn''t let him so he


    choked me," my voice bes shaky. "I thought I was going to die, but I-I got out and that''s when I


    bruised my hip. I fell out of the tub andnded on it. I don''t know, he was grabbing me feet s-so I kicked


    him. I ran downstairs and out the door while he followed me and grabbed my hair and... Then I ran out


    of the house and you were thest thing I saw." The tears fall now, and I let them. "H-He was going to


    make you think I''d done it myself, just like your mother. He was going to kill me too, he was going to


    make you find me like that."


    "It''s over now. He''s dead."


    "I know that, but you¡ª"


    James grows impatient. "He''s dead, Rae."


    "I know, but¡ª"


    "I killed him, Rae," he nearly shouts at me. "Stop worrying about it!"


    I move back. "James," my voice is slow and careful.


    He moves away from me, running his hand through his hair before swiping up the vase on the coffee


    table and throwing it at the wall. It shatters and I jump back, staring at the water and fresh flowers and


    ss on the floor, and the ssh on the wall that slowly drips down to the mess. Gail always puts


    flowers in the vase. "James!" I shout, moving to the mess but he holds me back.


    He curses to himself, clearly in an inner conflict. "Stay away from the ss."


    I obey but don''t let it go. I grab him and make him look at me. Before I can speak he says, "You know I


    would do anything for you, Rae. You know that, don''t you?" I nod. "I just, I need you to¡ªto stay alive,


    Rae. Alright?"


    "Okay."


    He takes a deep breath.


    "I''m sorry you killed your father."


    James gives me a look, a sad look that I''ve never seen from him. It holds grief. "It''s alright. You''re


    okay."


    "I''m sorry," I say again, and he holds me again. He squeezes as if he needs to absorb me. "I''m sorry,


    James. I''m so sorry."


    Wey in bed together for the night, not sleeping justying. I fear that his father wille for me in my


    dreams, and James fears dreaming of it, of killing him again. James doesn''t tell me where the body


    went, and I don''t mention the diaries. I don''t tell him his father''sst words. He shouldn''t read her pain.


    He shouldn''t read of them drifting apart and the eventual hatred that will suffocate her. I am no


    hypocrite, I will never read them myself either. I know the effects of those books.


    I do wonder, though. How much hatred do you have to feel towards your mate to be able to kill them?


    An iprehensible amount. I wonder how I became so inadequate in his father''s mind to the point


    where he must get rid of me. Or maybe he didn''t see me. Maybe he saw his mate. Maybe he was


    reliving his past. It''s frustrating to never know.


    It''s hard knowing that we''ll have to move on from such an event so quickly. I can''t live out the rest of my


    days thinking and fearing over the one day I almost died. James cannot grieve his father''s death and


    the truth of his mother''s while needing to run a pack. After this night, after our hours of holding each


    other, the shock must end. This is the time when I be a leader and where James realizes his true


    position.  This is where we move on, forever only having a few hours. But I think it will be easier than I


    predict. There is still so much that needs to happen, so much that will distract us.


    "Rae?" James calls, and I hum, his arms tightening around me as wey buried in the nkets. "I love


    you."


    I let out a breath, a light, airy warmth sparking inside of me. "I love you, too."


    January 20th, 1993


    I reach seven months today. Theresa was right, it must have been Martha. I suppose her healing just


    does not work on me. But I am here now, and I wait restlessly for the day my baby wille. The


    doctor says I visit him too much, and I am sure it is because a part of me wants him to tell me that the


    process has somehow magically sped up for me. I went to see him yesterday, and he says everything


    is moving along just fine and that I need to be patient. Obviously, he has never been pregnant before.


    Every day feels like a year, and I just want him out.


    James did note with me yesterday, but I did not expect him to. He has note to an appointment


    since the first one. As my belly grows bigger, he grows snappy and moody, always yelling at me for the


    most pointless things. Theresa tells me he is just nervous and anxious, but I cannot help but think he


    hates the baby. James has no reason to, he has done nothing to him. I even brought up the idea of


    naming the baby after him but that only lit him up more.


    We do not sleep together at night, not for nearly a year. It worries me. I feel like we are growing too far


    apart to be fixed. He avoids me like he once did. I feel like things are going back to the way they were,


    only worse. Even my mother tells me to leave, toe stay with her until the baby is born to give


    James some breathing room. He should not need breathing room! I am his mate and I am carrying his


    child, how can he act as if he hates me? It is as if our bond has beenpletely destroyed.


    The Moon Goddess must be taking her revenge, hating the fact that I have my baby, so she takes


    away my love. Why can I not have both? Why must she have one?


    Is it wrong that I chose my baby over James? Is it wrong that some days, when he is fuming, I wish she


    would take himpletely? Yes. Yes, it is. It feels wrong.


    But some days, when he is fuming, I cannot help but think that he wants the Moon Goddess to take me


    THE END

 Chapter 37 Epilogue

    Chapter 37 Epilogue


    The sun''s rays warm me, my skin illuminating with life. The golden glow brings a heavenly filter to the


    forest around us, like walls protecting our castle. This is ournd, the True Alpha''s. In the middle of the


    calm meadow is my home, James'' home, our families home. In the trees is an army of men. His men.


    Guards that protect us from the jealous and the evil.


    In the morning I wake up and quietly tiptoe downstairs, meeting Gail in the kitchen. She hands me a


    cup of coffee and we sit together outside on the porch. I took her with James and me to the new house.


    She''s family to us. I wish Theresa was here too, but she''s passed away, she''s in the Goddesses hands


    now.


    "I can already feel him," I murmur, lifting the mug to my lips, warmed even more by the coffee, feeling


    as if true happiness is an external and internal warmth that makes onefortable where ever they


    are.


    "Should we get the children?"


    I shake my head. "I''ll let him wake them."


    The pack is close by, a few minutes walk. We offered the pack house to Will, but he insisted we let


    Theodore and his mate have it. Our children like to y with his¡ªa set of twin boys who look exactly


    like him. Theodore loves his family with all his heart, I see it when he looks at them. It makes me proud


    to be his friend.


    "There he is. I''ll get breakfast started for the little ones," Gail says, heading inside.


    My eyes are entranced by the sight of my mate. He walks with two guards, talking, ncing up to me,


    shooing them. I make my way down the porch steps, meeting him halfway. An animated smile


    stretches over my face as he wraps his arms around me. His scent engulfs me. "This one was too


    long," I mutter, my face pressed into his shoulder.


    He pulls back, looking down at me. "I know. There werend issues between the York pack and Kenn


    pack that I had to settle. Both were very adamant about not giving in."


    I nod, running my hands down his arms, simply happy that he is here now.


    "Where are they?"


    "They''re waiting for you to wake them up."


    I follow James inside as he surprises the children one by one. First, James, the oldest at seven, named


    after him, carrying on his family''s tradition. Then Bridgette who''s four, and the most loving little girl I''ve


    ever met, and finally our baby Lea who is only thirteen months, cozy in her crib.


    With everyone downstairs eating breakfast, and little Lea in her highchair, I tell everyone, "You''re going


    to visit Theodore, Madeline, Camron, and Aidan today while Dad and I handle some things. I need you


    two," I look at James and Bridgette, "to go get ready after you''re done eating." Gail will go up with


    Bridgette while I get Lea ready.


    Soon enough James and I are alone with Lea, but she''s far too busy staring off and eating dry cereal to


    interrupt. I look up at him. "You know, it was nine years ago today that we met."


    Content ? N?velDrama.Org.


    "I know, and I remember everything," he says, surprising me. "I remember you stumbling onto the


    pathway, I remember forcing you toe back with me, I remember being so incredibly cruel, but you


    never left, not genuinely. And even now I still am not sure why, but I''m ever so thankful that you didn''t."


    We share a short kiss before Lea speaks her babynguage and begs to be set free. Before getting up


    and leaving our bubble, I gaze into my mate''s eyes and say, "I love you, James," which is the most


    honest statement I will ever say.


    He smiles at my words, at our family, at the little world we built. "I love you too, Julianna."


    "What?"


    Confused, but joyful, James says, "I said I love you too, Rae."


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