Chapter 109


    Thenes the hints of self-consciousness, the worries of ire and Old Rae and old thoughts about


    myself. Herees the reality of what I am leading to, but I want it all to go away. I beg it all to go


    away. I have a gorgeous, intimidating, intense, and changed man for a Mate who I need and who


    needs me, and that''s all I want. That''s all I want to think about. I don''t need Old Rae ruining this for me.


    James needs me. Not her. That''s all. If I want an experience without my anxious, sad self, then I will


    have it. I deserve it. His touch is enough to distract me.


    I gently pull away and he begins to leave soft kisses down my jaw and onto my neck which makes my


    heart race. "James," I murmur, high off of my emotions, "James, I need you."


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    "I know," he mumbles against my skin, but I need him to take me more seriously.


    "No, James. I want you."


    He pulls away, leaving me cold. "You''ve been drinking."


    "I''ve never been more sober," I smile just thinking about it and I reach out to him, but he steps back,


    catching me off guard.


    "No, Rae. Not tonight."


    My heart plummets to the ground. My entire body tenses and falls and weighs me down. An intense


    numbness spreads throughout me and a deep, encumbering panic suffocates me. I can''t breathe. I


    can''t think. My throat seems to swell shut and I pray to the heavens that the tears welling in my eyes


    don''t fall.


    It is my worst nightmaree to life. All I can hear is my heart beating in my ears. My chest hurts, it


    feels as if it''s caving in. "Oh," I manage to breathe out. "Okay."


    "Rae—"


    "No, no it''s, uh, it''s fine. Um, I''m going to—I''m going to go to bed."


    I walk into the light of the hallway before rushing up into the darkness of my room, shutting off all of the


    lights except for the singlemp beside my bed. I lock the door and let the tears fall, and they don''t


    seem to stop. It''s humiliation. It''s my most personal fear. It''s Old Rae squeezing my throat and ire


    mated to an Alpha. It''s being thrown to the dogs. It''s listening to him fuck another woman for three


    weeks. It''sying under a dead wolf and rting to a dead woman. It''s having a drink thrown in my face


    and being yelled at to get out. It''s drinking the pain away. It''s never being her. It''s not being able to live


    like this. It''s being told that I''m not wanted.


    He grabbed me and pushed me against a wall to yell in my face that he doesn''t want me. That''s what


    this is. That''s what this feels like.


    My heart vibrates in my chest, my whole body shaking. My hands cling to everything just to keep


    myself standing, then I see the bathroom door. I float towards it like a ghost, like I no longer need to


    breathe. There''s something romantic about it, about my hand pushing it open, about my bare feet on


    the tile floor, about the bathtub.


    I bite my lip as my eyes trickle down to the shower floor where my razorys. I take it and caress it and


    hold it with care before bending the stic. Something ignites inside of me when the snapping hits my


    ears. I can''t help but smile as tears slip past my lips. Then I lower myself into the empty tub, and Iy


    back, gripping the single de in-between my two fingers. Then I dream. I dream of what I couldn''t


    have here, but what I can have there.


    "He needs you, Rae," I whisper to myself, "don''t you know that? He told you that he needs you."


    I bring the de to my skin, not knowing what I''ll do. I stare at it for a minute before the knocking


    "No," I yell back, my hand shaking. "No, I want to be alone!"


    "Please just open the door."


    "Just leave me alone, James!" I squeeze my eyes shut.


    "Rae—No, open the door right now," he demands, his voice growing serious.


    "Go away! Can''t you just leave me alone for two seconds!" I take the de from my skin, losing focus.


    "Open the door right now or I''m breaking it down," he threatens. "Do you hear me, Rae? Open the


    damn door!"


    I groan loudly, jumping when I hear him banging on the door. I scramble up, drop the de, and hurry


    to the bathroom door. The bedroom door hits the floor and I push the bathroom door shut, but not fast


    enough. James forces it open and gets inside. He scans the room and I blurt, "I wasn''t going to do it."


    His eyes single in on the tub and my heart stops. He reaches down and grabs the de then grabs the


    broken razor from the counter.


    "I wasn''t going to do it."


    He turns to me as a breakdown and he grabs my arm, forcing me out of the room. James brings me


    down the hall into his bedroom and lets go as he enters his bathroom. Hees out with another razor


    in his hand then walks out his bedroom doors.


    I fall to the floor and cry into my hands, not sure what to do anymore. Everything feels like a dream,


    and I don''t know how to wake up.


    James returns and closes the doors behind him. He picks me up from the ground and wraps his arms


    around me, his hand rubbing my back. "Come on," he murmurs and leads me to the bed. He pulls back


    the covers and I get in, moving over for him toy beside me. He holds me and strokes my hair while


    tears fall onto the pillows.


    "I wasn''t going to do it."