Chapter 110


    James took the diaries from my bedroom. He said I can''t read them anymore. He put them in the library


    and locked the door and moved the shelf in front of it and told me to stay away. He said he was going


    to call the doctor but I begged him not to. I told him that if he did, I would leave. I was emotional at the


    time.


    I still have my books and my music and my mother, and I talk to her every night now. I don''t care about


    our disagreements anymore. She doesn''t know about what I did, though. If she did, she would drag me


    back home.


    I eat all of my meals with James or Gail and Theresa. I assume he told them so they can keep an eye


    on me. I shower with the door open and one of them sits in my bedroom as I do so. If I want to shave,


    they fetch a razor. One of them is always in the kitchen. They don''t talk about sad things anymore, only


    positive things. I want them to stop.


    James spends more time with me now, and his father hasn''t left. James told his father about me and


    didn''t tell me how he reacted. His father helps with the pack a bit, working while James is with me. I


    feel like I''m holding him back. I feel guilty, but I do enjoy spending time with him. It''s the only good thing


    "Good morning," I hear him mumble as he shifts and rolls over, facing me. I''m always awake before


    him.


    The sun is just beginning to rise and the walls are coated in warmth. His hair is messy and Ib


    through it with my fingers. "Good morning."


    "How are you feeling today?"


    "Better," I tell him honestly. "Ever since I stopped reading the diaries I''ve been feeling better."


    "Good," he says, moving to get up, but I grab onto him.


    "Not yet. I like these moments."


    James settles back down. "Well, we can talk about my fathering for dinner then. He wants to meet


    you."


    "What? He wants to meet me? I thought he was upset when he found out about me?"


    "He was at first, but I think he''s warming up to the idea. I think it''s a good sign. Maybe he''s changed,"


    James says. "But until I know for sure, I''m going to be cautious. I don''t want him around you if he''s


    going to snap."


    "Snap?" I question.


    James shrugs it off. "Don''t worry about it. I don''t want you worrying about anything, okay?"


    I nod and settle back down. "So he''sing tonight then?"


    "If it''s alright with you."


    "I mean, of course. I want to meet him, too," I say, curious about this man who holds such an unclear


    reputation. I''ll have to see for myself.


    Later in the day, when James has left the house, I find myself in my bedroom alone,ying on my bed.


    Since that night, I''ve been trying to understand myself, trying to figure out how my mind went in the


    wrong direction so quickly. Maybe it was the diaries. Julianna''s thoughts must have gotten to me.


    Reading so much of that and rekindling an old fear wasn''t a good mix. That version of myself, that girl


    in the bathtub scares me. It was the darkest ce I''ve ever been, and yet I can''t figure out how it


    happened in only a sh.


    When I was younger my episodessted weeks at a time. Just when I was back home, my head wasn''t


    in a good ce, it was a steady descent down. But this time it was different. I was at a peak, I was the


    all-powerful Luna, the girl they wanted to be, the girl whoughs and kisses boys, I was willing to go


    there with James, then it was a free-fall down. I was pushed off a cliff and drowned in the depths of the


    ocean. There was no steady descent. I''m scared of falling off again. I don''t know what will happen if


    there''s a next time.


    Content is property ? N?velDrama.Org.


    I told myself that I wasn''t like his mother, and I know I''m not. I know it.


    Her diary is toxic. There was a difference between sad Rae when James was cold to me and sad Rae


    when I sat in the bathtub. I know the first one, I''ve been here many times in my life, but I don''t know the


    second one. She''s a stranger to me. She''s a different form of depression that didn''t feel like my own.


    I sound like Julianna, ming my problems on something that''s not really here, but it makes sense to


    me. If I immerse myself in the mind of a sick person, I will be sick, too.