<b>“</b>I’m still not sure what you’re talking about.”
“You know what I mean. He told me he loves you, yet I don’t understand why you chose him. He’s a bad man<b>. </b>The things he’s done and will continue to do. You could do better.”
“He told you…” He loves me? Said it out loud? To my father? Either my head’s going to explode, or my heart’s going to burst.
“Also said that you are a grown woman and can make your own decisions.” He scoffs<b>, </b>shrugging. “I know you’re a grown woman who can make your own decisions. I just wish they were the right ones.”
“So let me get this straight.” Since I don’t know whether to be pissed,ugh, or cry. “The two of you had a conversation about us without me knowing about it.“.
He nods. “I figured he’d told you already.”
“When was this?”
“Friday. I’m not proud of myself. I went to the house, as I said, and… I was enraged. I wanted to kill him. And then he told me that you were both together.”
My heart sinks when his eyes start to well with tears. “Why? Don’t you know who he is and what he does? Do you know how dangerous he is? He’s the enemy, Caterina.”
“I… yes, I do know.” I’m not sure what to say. I had only wished to share the news of Gianni and me with my father someday, only mainly in my dreams. “It doesn’t matter what you think of him. I care about him too much for it to make a difference. I can’t entirely agree with some of his actions, though I can’t stop him either.”
“Even when you know how dangerous being with him is?” A tear rolls down his cheek<b>, </b>sparkling in the overhead fluorescent light. “I want better for you than that. Hell, you deserve better. Does it not bother you that he could get you killed.”
Did Mom think being married to a cop would get her killed? God, I can’t believe that thought even entered my mind. It’s too cruel. I’ll chalk it up to how long of a day it’s been. At least I didn’t say it out loud. That’s the kind of thing <b>I </b>could never take back.
“Sometimes, you make a choice, and that’s it. But the thing is, with us, there is no choice. Believe it or not, I tried very hard to do what I thought was right and stay away from him. Except I can’t. I just can’t do it. And I’m tired of fighting against what I want. I never wanted you to find out,” I admit, and he snorts, rolling his eyes. “I knew you would feel this way. And I don’t want to hurt you, Dad. I love you. I wish this could all be over for you. I sincerely do.”
<b>1 </b>
“It will never be over,” he insists, shaking his head. “All this time, knowing there had to be more to it, that I couldn’t be the only one who knew. I’ve been carrying this around inside me for years. I just can’t do it anymore. I need to know what happened, and nobody wants to tell me.” He looks toward the covered window, his voice going tight, strained. “Nobody wants to help me.”
I have never seen somebody so alone. Weighed down. Gaslit to hell and back by people he was supposed to trust. “You are sure you know what you saw? You’re certain, a hundred percent, that there was more to it?“.
“Yes, damn it.” He pleads with his eyes, with the pain chiseled across his forehead, in the corners of his eyes. “I know. I saw it.”
??
“Then I will. I’ll help you.”
“No.”
“He shakes his head hard, his voice firm. “Absolutely not. It’s too dangerous.”
“Stop.” I stand, and this time I round the desk to put my hands on his shoulders. Right now, he’s as close to my real dad as he’s been in weeks. <b>It’s </b>so much easier to talk to him when he’s like this–level–headed, calm. <b>“</b>I’m already part of this. They’re all going to know that I know what you’re thinking, just because I’m here right now. If you’re worried, I’m not afraid, Dad.”
“You should be.”
“I’m not. I will help you as much as I can, though there’s one thing you have to understand. Gianni didn’t do it. I know,” I quickly add when he opens his mouth, “that’s easy for me to say, and it’s true. However, I know he wouldn’t murder an innocent woman to save his own skin.”
80
He blows out a sigh. “He did seem stunned when I confronted him about it. Like he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about” With a snort, he adds, “I might have been drunk, but I’ve questioned enough people over the years that I know how to read a face.”
Of course, he was drunk. “Then you believe him?”
He eyes me, his lips set in a thin, disapproving line. “Once he came clean about the two of you, I saw how serious he was about making sure I knew he cared. He said he would never hurt you, and I’m not dumb. He could have gotten rid of me pretty easily if he was guilty and didn’t want you to know.”
33
“Wow. That’s the most reasonable thing you’ve said,. in a long time.”
“I had a lot of time to think about it.” He gives me a sheepish expression<b>, </b>“No matter how many times I went through it, I couldn’t force myself to be all right with this. Then I reminded myself that it’s your life, and I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me things.<b>” </b>
He thinks that, but how would he feel if I told him I’m keeping a secret right now? I can’t even think about it. Not now.
“From now on, we’ll both try to be better about that. Okay? And you will not under any circumstancese back here ranting and raving and throwing punches. I’m serious, Dad. It’s too risky. ll try to be careful<b>, </b>but you must also be careful. Okay?”
“Okay.” He eyes the door warily. “I’ll do my best, but it doesn’t change my stance. I know someone out there had a part in covering it up.”
“I know,” I whisper, bending down to press a kiss against his forehead. “And we’re going to find out who that person was, but we’re going to be smart about it. You are not alone in this anymore” He releases a strangled sob that leaves me fighting back sniffles, but the moment passes without either of us blubbering.
Kenes in as soon as I knock on the door, and after he makes Dad promise to behave himself, he uses a pocket knife to cut the zip tie around his wrists. “Straight out the door,” he mutters, and Dad nods. I’m sure by now, all he wants is to go home and try to put this behind him. I know that’s what I want.
The car ride is quiet. Then within an hour, we’re home, with Dad fed and showered. He’s calmer, almost peaceful. Like all it took was hearing me say I believe him, to soothe the ache in his chest. “Good night, Dad. Everything will look better in the morning I promise.”
“I sure hope so.” He mumbles and makes his way to bed.
I couldn’t agree more. Now the only thing left to do is deal with my own problems. In a way, it’s easier to focus on him than to turn around and handle my own shit.
What am I going to do? I’m a wreck. Between the baby, my dad, and everything else. The idea of staying here isn’t appealing. I want to be with Gianni<b>, </b>but he isn’t my favorite person right now, either.
He could have told me. He should have told me. I deserved to know. If I go to him, I’m sure he’ll give me some bullshit about wanting to protect me or something along those lines. I’m so tired of everybody thinking they know what’s best for me.
What I need more than anything is to feel safe. I need that more than I ever have–one hand drifts down to my belly, where our baby is growing. We both need safety, security. I know this, and the idea of telling him still has me in knots. Maybe it’s not fair of me to be mad at him for keeping things from me when I intend to keep this from him<b>, </b>at least for a little while. Until I can get a feel for how he’ll take it.
That thought only leads me to others.
What happens if he doesn’t want the baby?
Could Amalia be right?
He told Dad he loved me. Gianni wouldn’t have said something like that, much less to my father, if he didn’t mean it. I hate that everything is hinged on hope, but it’s all I have. Hope that everything will work out for the best. Hope that my father will find happiness again<b>, </b>and hope that Gianni won’t abandon me when he discovers I’m pregnant.