Chapter 26: 14I’m Crying
Before we leave, I run over to Hayes’s house to talk to Rochelle. Cu-riosity was going to eat me alive, if
I didn’t know the truth.
I haven’t been inside Hayes’s house, in years. I’m too afraid my se-crets and lies will consume me.
I’m afraid I’ll see Ms. Kristen, I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I almost backed down entirely.
Hayes waits in the car.
I look at the ground mostly, I avoid pictures, things from the past as I walk through the house. I didn’t
want to interact with the sad memories of Timmy, Hayes, truthfully all of the Bartley’s.
Right next to Hayes’s room, is Timmy’s room. Timmy’s door is closed.
This hurt more than I’d expected. I want to turn back around and leave, right now. I can’t stop staring at
Timmy’s door. My hands are shaking now, I’m trying tofort myself.
Memories areing back; a lot wasing back.
I hear Rochelle groaning in Hayes’s room, this is enough to wake me from my memories. I walk into his
room and close the door behind me.
The same blue he had since he was a boy, paint his walls. The in desk that sit in the corner of the
room, and the astrology décor that decorates his desk.
They were all in the exact same spot.
Then there’s Rochelle. She’s stretched out on his bed, asleep. Now she’s half asleep.
“Alex is that you?” She mumbles.
I walk over to the bed and stand next to her.
“Hey Rochelle, how are you feeling?” I ask.
“Worse than you, that’s for sure.” Sheughs, I smile to hide the fear I felt.
Everything in this house was starting to affect me.
“Rochelle, I need to ask you something.” I say.
I hug myself and squeeze my jacket sleeves. Rochelle’s face is still buried in the nkets.
“Is it aboutst night?” Rochelle yawns.
I felt very ufortable for many reasons. I needed to leave.
“I think I had sex,st night.” I say.
Rochelleughs. I squeeze my jacket sleeve more.
“Great for you Al, how was it?” She asks.
My stomach drops. I sit down on the floor next to the bed.
“I can’t remember it, Rochelle.” I mumble. I’m embarrassed by my words.
“If you can’t remember it Alex, and you feel okay. Well, you didn’t have sex.” She turns to me.
“You’d know if you’d had sex for the first time.” She says.
Rochelle goes back to hugging Hayes’s covers. I hug my stomach, and bite down on my lip. It felt like,
if I looked at anything in the room for too long, it would crumble.
“So, you don’t know what happened either?” I ask.
“Maybe you fooled around with Jeff, or the DJ.” She says. I look away.
“Look, I’m sure we all did stupid stuffst night. It’s totally fine Alex.” Rochelle’s says.
“It’s not “totally fine”, Rochelle. This stuff matters to me.” I say.
I look at the ground. I trace a T on the wood floor. I felt a secreting out.
“Can we talk when I’m sober. I just don’t feel up for talking. I’m sorry if I’m being, a shitty friend right
now.” She mumbles again.
“Yeah. Sure, we can talk about this another time.” I mumble. I move my hair from my face.
“Can you get my phone, from the nightstand.” She asks. I nod.
I’m moving silently, but the floor squeaks, it brings back memories. I wipe the tears the farther I’d get
from Rochelle, so she can’t see.
I open the nightstand; Rochelle’s phone isn’t there.
Instead, I see a letter in Hayes’s nightstand. My letter. I pick it up.
Before I open it, Rochelle gets up.
“I’ll get it myself.” She whines.
She reaches for the nightstand closest to her.
My eyes follow her. I’m quickly putting my note back.
“I got to go Rochelle, Hayes and I are picking up some doughnuts. You want some?” I ask.
“Yeah, I know. I told him to go get them.” She says.
I’m too scared to ask her about my secrets I might’ve let loosest night. I feel stupid. I feel like a liar,
and I’m burning up with anger. I have to get out of this room.
There’s silence, Rochelle’s nails tap on the phone.
“Alex. If you had sexst night. Well, there’s usually blood your first time.” She says.
The pit in my stomach goes deeper.
We don’t exchange anymore words. I leave his room, staring at the ground, until I’m outside.
I enter Hayes’s car, silently. I don’t bother to wipe the tears. The rain drenched me altogether.
“Ready to go?” He asks.
I nod, and we’re off to Rogers Bakery.
~~~~
We reach our local bakery store, where a lot of memories took ce. All happy ones.
The memories weren’t going to lighten the mood today, though.
It was already a grey, and rainy day. The entire car ride was silent, and I avoided looking at Hayes
altogether. I just felt numb all around.
I’m not sure if I did anything yesterday. But my lies, and secrets, made me feel dirty.
When Hayes parked, I decide to wait in the car.
I guess I didn’t want to ruin the happy memories of this ce, with the sad ones I thought of right now.
Whatever the reason, I could just sit in the car, watch the rain, lis-ten to Hayes’s music, and think of
better days.
Yet, whenever I tried to, my past haunts me.
~~~~
I sit in the waiting room at Orca Manchester Care, it’s the next town over.
I was only 14. I was just a kid.
The doctores into the room. He’s was young, na?ve, but hon-est.
“It’s a habit acquired by many, and you must understand the health risks. I’m sorry Alex.”
~~~~
Knocking on the window scares me, wakes me from the past. It’s Hayes.
“You okay?” Hayes shouts through the window.
I’m tensed, and nod with lies. He enters the car, hands full of doughnuts.
“Yeah. I’m just cold.” I say.
Hayes takes off his jacket and gives it to me.
“Thanks.” I say.
I turn back to the window. Silence pours in the car, again. Then Hayes offers to feed my habit.
“I’m not hungry.” I lie.
“Come on, it’s breakfast.” He says.
“I don’t eat cow stuff, or eggs.” I turn to him.
“What do you think I told the bakers? These three are for you. No cow stuff, or eggs.” He smiles.
I grab a piece from one and eat it. I could barely chew, I’m trying to prevent tears froming down my
face.
This was going to be my only meal today.
We stay silent, Hayes hasn’t started the car up yet.
“I think I did something stupidst night.” I mumble, still turned to the window.
The zed doughnut’s icing glossed my lips, made them sweet when I licked them. It wasforting
in a way.
“Like what?” He asks. I shake my head.
The rain is heavy.
“I was with you the entire night.” Hayes states.
“We both were. Rochelle too.” He says.
“That’s reassuring.” I mumble under my breath.
“Why were my clothes different?” I ask.
“You barfed.” He says.
“More than once?” I ask, and he nods.
“Who dressed me?” I scrunch my damp hair.
“You did.” He says.
“DJ guy?” I look at Hayes, he hands me the box of doughnuts.
“Yeah. He was bad news, your brother and I told him off. You tried bringing him up to your room.”
Hayes says.
He doesn’t look at me now. I start to draw on the box.
“You left me. You and Rochelle, went next door, how do you know?” I ask.
“We left when the party was over, after everyone went home.” He says.
“Then what?” I turn to him.
“Then I left, yes.” He says.
“With Rochelle.” I say. I scrunch my hair again.
I wanted him to say it. After the party was over, him and Rochelle had sex. Then again, knowing the
truth would hurt me, more than I hurt now.
“Rochelle usually stays over, after a party. It was weird seeing her in your room.” I state.
I start to scribble on his window. The car was still in park, the rain is our radio.
“You won beer pong.” He says, but I stay silent.
“You didn’t do anything, okay? You didn’t want to do anything, did you?” He asks.
“I don’t know. No.” I turn to him.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I dreaded to know what happenedst night, but now that I know. I feel
even more guilty, because I still have secrets. Because, when I close my eyes, I can still see the
mistakes.
“Do you remember what I said to youst night? In the bathroom?” I ask.
One of the only things I remember, fromst night.
“Listen Alex. If I said anything or did anything. Just, clean te, okay? Let’s just forget aboutst night.”
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He says.
No, I didn’t want that. The things fromst night that I do remem-ber, were great.
“I’d rather keep that stuff behind us.” He says.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure. Me too.” I lie.
“Thanks for staying.” I mumble. My throat pulsed, I was holding in so much.
I pick at my nails.
The car goes silent. There’s only the rain.
“Was that your first time in the house since.” He asks.
“No.” I lie.
I end the conversation, that wasing. I wasn’t going to bring up the past that far back. I couldn’t.
“Can we go?” I say.
Hayes silently starts the car, and we head home.