《You Saved Me Once Book 1》 Chapter 1: 1 Dear Hayes Chapter 1: 1 Dear Hayes Loving someone so much you feel like you can''t breathe without them. The feeling of the flutters that beat against your tummy, as you wait to hear their voice again. The wide smile you can''t shake when you look into their eyes. You want it to be a weakness, but truthfully, it''s your superpower. Love is what keeps you grounded to this big world. So big, yet you only need one person in your life to make itplete. What if that one person left your life, and you thought they were nevering back? Those flutters turn into a heavy pulse that ache. You feel cold without them, numb to this big world. Everything feels more alive than you. This text is ? N?velDrama/.Org. What if they suddenly returned. The one person you love so muches back. Sadly, the flutters that tickle you''re stomach fades. The smiles turn to tears, and cries. Why? Life happens. Life''s a fucking vortex of so many up''s and downs. As crazy as it is, life is still so beautiful. So is the love of your life that returns after''s years. They return, and you know something they don''t. You know a secret. You know many secrets. Too many to carry, yet they feel like they pulse in your veins. Enough secrets to fill a still room. These secrets are what drifted the love. These secrets are what killed, more than once. You feel scared. You''re scared to take breaths, you''re afraid of the secrets you keep. You''re afraid of them escaping your veins. You''re afraid of what mighte out, because deep down you know, everything that happened. Everything that will happen, will be because of you. That''s the fault in loving another, right? Loving someone can make you so fucking happy, and make you cry at the same time. It can ruin you, if you let it consume you. But, what if there''s no other way, what if it''s destined. Written in the cold air, in the pouring rain, in the waves. What if it''s meant to be, no matter what? You save each other, by destroying one another. Even if it''s forbidden? What would you do? Let''s not get ahead of ourselves though. I''m Alex Richards, a senior in high school. I live in Versa, a small town in WA. It''s tucked away from the outside world, it''s on a coast, it''s beautiful. So is this story, it''s beautifully tragic. You''re about to dive into some serious fucking heartbreak, are you ready? "His name was Hayes, and I loved him so much. So much that I couldn''t breathe without him." Chapter 2: 2The First Day We Met Chapter 2: 2The First Day We Met The only female in a house of all boys. Still don¡¯t know how I survived. Now it¡¯s just Jake and me. Jake¡¯s the youngest among the four of us. I¡¯m the middle, then Adam, then our oldest brother, Jack. They¡¯re both off, living their lives. Just thinking about life outside of Versa, gives me chills, makes me envy them. I miss them. We haven¡¯t been together, in forever. ~~~~~ I get out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel. I give it 3 sec-onds, before Jake barges in. I watch the steam in the room, vanish in the new air. ¡°Is it just me or do females take so long in the bathroom, it¡¯s in-sane.¡± He says. I smile at hisment. I¡¯m happy to hear Jake¡¯s humor. It lets me know he¡¯s doing better than before. It got bad a couple of months ago for him. Sometimes I¡¯m scared, that he might be faking it. ¡°10 minutes is forever Jake, you¡¯re right. Sorry about that.¡± I say. He ignores me. We share a bathroom in our 4-bedroom 2.5-bathroom home. We¡¯d never use the downstairs bathroom, the room closest to the kitchen, closer to theundry room. We haven¡¯t been in that room in years. ¡°Can¡¯t bete, got a game today. The team¡¯s already riding my ass.¡± He says. He¡¯s scrambled, and the day just started. Seeing him like this makes me worried. I call his name, but he ignores me. My wet hair drips on the steamed floor. His cold hands touch the humid mirror. He slides it open. The fau-cet runs, everything else is quiet. I watch him gulp it down with the wa-ter. He leaves the faucet running. He smiles at me. ¡°You¡¯ve had like 20 games in thest two weeks, you guys haven¡¯t won, one yet.¡± I joke. Jake almost falls on the wet floor. This makes us both smile through the hate. No matter what Jake said, I could never hate him. It¡¯s just cold, humor hate. It¡¯s us showing our love to each other. ¡°Of course, you wouldn¡¯t understand, the only thing you''remit-ted to is photographing oceans, and stuffing your face with ice cream.¡± He says. Iugh. ¡°Hey! Make another sexist joke again, and I swear I¡¯ll-¡± He ms the door in my face. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I yell. He shouts it back. I smile through the cold chills that now coat my skin. ~~~~~~ Today was going to be just like every other day of the week. Super simple, super repetitive, yet tolerable. Tolerable enough, for me to breathe. Without a routine, I feel like I would crash. Crash and burn. Here¡¯s a day in my life on a weekday. I get dressed, go downstairs, eat breakfast, get in my car and drive to school. The weekends aren¡¯t much different. I party, work, sleep and repeat. I still feel the same, I still feel empty. This is myst year of high school, sounds bittersweet. I¡¯m thankful though, because I can finally leave this town. We get inheritances from our father when we turn a legal age. We can do whatever we want with it. I want to get away. I haven¡¯t told any-one yet. It¡¯s another secret. I don¡¯t want to leave Jake though. I need him as much as he needs me. These are usually my thoughts every day. I sit on my bed, staring at myself in the mirror, daydreaming. Sometimes I¡¯m brave enough to stare at the reminders taped on the mirror, the coges, memories from the past. I can¡¯t look for too long, even if they¡¯re good memories. From my bed, I can see my once perfect, happy family, frozen in time, taped to the mirror. Then I look at another family on the mirror, the Bartley¡¯s. All of the memories are stained with ck scribbles. Now it¡¯s just a shitty, smudged mirror. I should throw it away. Through the smudges, I look at my short messy hair, and my baggy clothes. I force a smile. It gets too quiet too fast. I can hear the shower running. I grab my camera, put it around my neck and go downstairs. Food. We have a love and hate rtionship with one another. There was a time when food and I didn¡¯t get along. It was a super dark time for me, for all of the Richards. We all handled things differ-ently. For me, it was avoiding food altogether. Sadly, I let this dark coping, turn into a habit. Then something happened, because of the habit. It¡¯s a secret though. One of my darkest secrets. I try to not think about it too much. I bite into the dark red apple, it¡¯s cold. The crunch warms me. Stops me from thinking too far in the past. Jakees downstairs. ¡°Do you have a spare?¡± Jake asks. ¡°What are you talking about?¡± I ask. I put down the apple. ¡°A spare. For my car.¡± Jake says. His words are heavy, almost mean, yet recovered. We¡¯re close to theundry room, we¡¯re close to her room. I leave the kitchen and go to the garage. Jake follows me. ¡°Alex, do you have a spare?¡± Jake asks again. I ignore him. There is a spare, inches away from him. It took him too long to no-tice it. From the garage I see a car parked in front of Ms. Kristen¡¯s house. She¡¯s been our neighbor for years. We were once close. We share secrets. ¡°Jake. Whose car is that?¡± I ask. ¡°Why are you whispering?¡± He mocks. ¡°Who do you think it is?¡± Heughs. ¡°Did Adam not tell you?¡± He asks. ¡°Tell me what?¡± I pry. He doesn¡¯t respond. ¡°Are you going to fucking tell me, or just stand there struggling with a man¡¯s job?¡± I say. He drops the tire on his foot, it rolls off, then in a circle, until it fi-nally stops. The tire smells new. ¡°Go ask her yourself then.¡± He huffs. I feel bad for bothering Jake. I go to my car, turn on the radio, and scan my trunk for a jack, for Jake. ¡°Alex! Get your ass over here¡± I hit my head on the trunk door by the obnoxious honking. I close my trunk. My head is sore and thumping now. It¡¯s Rochelle, my best friend. She knows me well, we¡¯ve been friends for a long time. She doesn¡¯t know my secrets though. Rochelle¡¯s standing up in her roofless car. She waves at Jake, he smiles. He¡¯s the happiest whenever This text is ? N?velDrama/.Org. she¡¯s around. Jake has had a crush on Rochelle since forever. We¡¯ve known her almost our entire lives. He¡¯s been obsessed ever since. He doesn¡¯t deny that he¡¯s obsessed either. Its puppy love, it¡¯s cute. ¡°You¡¯re looking beautiful as always Rochelle, even in this weather.¡± He shouts. Its storm season in Versa. She honks at him, and smiles. He kicks the spare around. ¡°Got room for one more?¡± He asks. ¡°There¡¯s always room for you Jakey!¡± Rochelleughs. We both get in and close our doors in unison. Rochelle sits back down. ¡°Alrighty then, let¡¯s fucking go!¡± Rochelle cheers. She sts her speakers with music, then we drive off. Chapter 3: 3I Knew We Were Going To Be Best Friends Chapter 3: 3I Knew We Were Going To Be Best Friends I was a freshman. We are supposed to be young, innocent, and youthful. I was none of those things, anymore. During the holiday break freshmen year, I did something. It¡¯s another secret. Because of that secret I¡¯m now cold, blue, and sick. It¡¯s been two months, since the funeral. I feel worse than before, everything sucks. I feel like I¡¯m pushing myself too much. I was too sick that day, I should¡¯ve stayed home. Food is minimal now, it¡¯s been this way for a while. After the fu-neral, I could only eat one thing, pizza. I should¡¯ve eaten more. My habit started to make me look different. I wore heavy clothes now, warm clothes. Manyyers. I force myself to move, if I stayed still too long the secrets would flutter inside. I tried to make it through the day, gym was the first ss. Everyone just got back from winter break. Everyone is sluggish, wet, and cold. Our gym shoes are pressed with wet snow, we dry them on the gym mats, we fail. Our slippery sneakers squeak against the polished gym floor. Everything smelt cold, and wet. I came inte. I was crying in the bathroom. ss has already started, but it felt like it stopped once I walked in. The volume lowered, the balls stopped bouncing, the sneaker squeaks, reduced. Everything was low, as if they were watching me. They were. I could hear them whispering. No matter how hard I avoided attention, even though I need-ed it. I needed so much attention, but I never asked for it, yet it always found me. Everyone noticed my habit, everyone knew about the Rich- ard¡¯s. Everyone knew about the Bartley¡¯s. I try to hide the care I felt. I tried to mute the whispers, the talk. I didn¡¯t want to cry again.N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. My wet sneakers squeak each time I walk. They are dripping with the melted snow water I failed to dry on the mats. The volume increases again. Everyone starts takingps around the gym. I join in, even though my fluttering stomach is pulsing. It¡¯s too warm. I keep swallowing the saliva that keepsing up. I lick my teeth, as my heart races. I should stop running, but I don¡¯t. That¡¯s thest thing I remember. I fainted in gym ss freshmen year. Most thought I was act-ing out, because of the death in my family. Most thought it was for at-tention. I nod to the lies, and the rumors, even though they weren¡¯t true. It¡¯s better than the truth. The truth is another secret. ~~~~~ I m my locker. The memories make me feel sick again. I stare at my boots, they squeak against the wet floor. I walk the halls feeling paranoid. Sometimes a certain smell, or sound can take me back to freshmen year. High school just isn¡¯t for me. Everything in ss is a blur, except photography. It¡¯s my red room for an hour. No teacher, no ssmates in photography. Just a dim, red buzzing light, my camera, my photos, and my thoughts. The red room makes me feel nostalgic, I think about the past too much in here, I cry a lot. That¡¯s what I do today. The bell ringing was enough to break me from my crying spell. School was over for seniors. I reach my locker before Rochelle calls my name. I pretend to ignore her. I hide my head in my locker, looking for tissue to wipe my salty face. She¡¯s not alone. Jeff¡¯s with her. I refuse to make eye contact with either of them, I¡¯m too worried they¡¯d know I was crying. When I cry, someone can easily trigger me with three words ¡°what is wrong?¡± ¡°Not today Rochelle.¡± I say. I walk to the bathroom, hoping they would not follow, but they do. Thankfully, I wiped my face enough. Enough for me to not feel insecure for crying. Jeff smiles at me, puts his arm around me. His arms are warm, he¡¯s warm. Jeff wasn¡¯t some stranger that needed introducing. I¡¯ve seen him around, and I knew his name. He was a senior like us, and an athlete. He was Rochelle¡¯s ex. Jeff looked like a person who¡¯d attend an ivy league school. He seemed too perfect for this school, he was better, but didn¡¯t rub it in. He¡¯s dewy, and pale, like a vampire. His hair is long enough for a pony- tail, yet he lets it hang loose. He¡¯s quiet for the most part and has lots of friends. He talks to a lot of girls, and hangs out with stoners, which includes Jake. He looked quite young though. People say that about me. Through it all, Jeff looked sad. People also say that about me too. I knew him well, through my eyes. I didn¡¯t know him. Did he know me? Did he know my history? Did he know the rumors? Did he know the truth? Is he judging me, like I¡¯m judging him? He stares at me for a while, he smiles. He doesn¡¯t stop. I push Jeff¡¯s arm off of me and go into the girl¡¯s bathroom. Ro-chelle follows me. I stand at a sink, running my cold hands under warm water. The stalls are empty. ¡°I gave him your number.¡± She says. ¡°Why would you do that Rochelle?¡± I ask. I turn off the water, the rusty handle squeaks, loud. I wait for the water to go down the drain. ¡°Don¡¯t judge.¡± She says. I bite my lip with guilt. ¡°He¡¯s your ex! I¡¯m fucking judging.¡± I mumble to myself. ¡°It was middle school.¡± She murmurs. Memories from some of the worst years for both Rochelle and I. The more we stay silent and reminisce on the past, the darker the mood was getting. I knew Rochelle since pre-school, and we were always close, but when middle school hit, she changed. We both changed. Seventh grade, she started off young, she was probably the first seventh grader in our school, to start exploring sex, or pretending to. Her and Jeff were a couple, back then. She got this way for many reasons. When the summer hit, some-thing happened. She started dating, not just middle school but high schoolers. There was this one high schooler, he liked her for her ¡°rumors¡±. They started to be a thing, then at a high school party, he got her drunk, and made her do things. His friends joined in too. I¡¯m one of the only people she¡¯s told. Since then, she¡¯s never been the same. It hit her hard for 2 years. She numbed the pain by sleeping around. Then over the summer of sophomore year she knocked on my door, and we started talking again. Still, to this day I find it sad that half of the guys in our grade, has been with my best friend. Half of them lost their virginity in middle school to her. I feel bad for Rochelle. She let her coping turn into a hab-it too. ¡°No, it¡¯s too weird. Jeff was with you.¡± I say. I¡¯m lying, it¡¯s not weird because of that. I grab a paper towel to feed the silence. ¡°Alex, I knew you were crying.¡± She says. I squeeze the paper towel. ¡°There¡¯s someone who thinks you¡¯re pretty fucking cool. Honestly, I couldn¡¯t agree with him more. I think you should give him a shot, he¡¯s really great.¡± She says. ¡°Why don¡¯t you two go to my party together!?¡± She insists. ¡°No.¡± Iugh. ¡°It¡¯ll be fun.¡± She says. ¡°Yeah, having sex is so much fun. Highly-doubt he just wants to hold hands all night.¡± I mock. ¡°I know you¡¯re a virgin Alex.¡± She says. ¡°Why does that matter?!¡± I ask. The butterflies that have been silent for monthse back. I squeeze the wet paper towel in my hand forfort. I can¡¯t look at Ro-chelle anymore. Someonees into the bathroom. ¡°I¡¯ll see you tonight.¡± I say. I leave the bathroom and walk home. Chapter 4: 3I Knew We Were Going To Be Best Friends Chapter 4: 3I Knew We Were Going To Be Best Friends I was a freshman. We are supposed to be young, innocent, and youthful. I was none of those things, anymore. During the holiday break freshmen year, I did something. It¡¯s another secret. Because of that secret I¡¯m now cold, blue, and sick. It¡¯s been two months, since the funeral. I feel worse than before, everything sucks. I feel like I¡¯m pushing myself too much. I was too sick that day, I should¡¯ve stayed home. Food is minimal now, it¡¯s been this way for a while. After the fu-neral, I could only eat one thing, pizza. I should¡¯ve eaten more. My habit started to make me look different. I wore heavy clothes now, warm clothes. Manyyers. I force myself to move, if I stayed still too long the secrets would flutter inside. I tried to make it through the day, gym was the first ss. Everyone just got back from winter break. Everyone is sluggish, wet, and cold. Our gym shoes are pressed with wet snow, we dry them on the gym mats, we fail. Our slippery sneakers squeak against the polished gym floor. Everything smelt cold, and wet. I came inte. I was crying in the bathroom. ss has already started, but it felt like it stopped once I walked in. The volume lowered, the balls stopped bouncing, the sneaker squeaks, reduced. Everything was low, as if they were watching me. They were. I could hear them whispering. No matter how hard I avoided attention, even though I need-ed it. I needed so much attention, but I never asked for it, yet it always found me. Everyone noticed my habit, everyone knew about the Rich- ard¡¯s. Everyone knew about the Bartley¡¯s. I try to hide the care I felt. I tried to mute the whispers, the talk. I didn¡¯t want to cry again. My wet sneakers squeak each time I walk. They are dripping with the melted snow water I failed to dry on the mats. The volume increases again. Everyone starts takingps around the gym. I join in, even though my fluttering stomach is pulsing. It¡¯s too warm. I keep swallowing the saliva that keepsing up. I lick my teeth, as my heart races. I should stop running, but I don¡¯t. That¡¯s thest thing I remember. I fainted in gym ss freshmen year. Most thought I was act-ing out, because of the death in my family. Most thought it was for at-tention. I nod to the lies, and the rumors, even though they weren¡¯t true. It¡¯s better than the truth. The truth is another secret. ~~~~~ I m my locker. The memories make me feel sick again. I stare at my boots, they squeak against the wet floor. I walk the halls feeling paranoid. Sometimes a certain smell, or sound can take me back to freshmen year. High school just isn¡¯t for me. Everything in ss is a blur, except photography. It¡¯s my red room for an hour. No teacher, no ssmates in photography. Just a dim, red buzzing light, my camera, my photos, and my thoughts. The red room makes me feel nostalgic, I think about the past too much in here, I cry a lot. That¡¯s what I do today. The bell ringing was enough to break me from my crying spell. School was over for seniors. I reach my locker before Rochelle calls my name. I pretend to ignore her. I hide my head in my locker, looking for tissue to wipe my salty face. She¡¯s not alone. Jeff¡¯s with her. I refuse to make eye contact with either of them, I¡¯m too worried they¡¯d know I was crying. When I cry, someone can easily trigger me with three words ¡°what is wrong?¡± ¡°Not today Rochelle.¡± I say. I walk to the bathroom, hoping they would not follow, but they do. Thankfully, I wiped my face enough. Enough for me to not feel insecure for crying. Jeff smiles at me, puts his arm around me. His arms are warm, he¡¯s warm. Jeff wasn¡¯t some stranger that needed introducing. I¡¯ve seen him around, and I knew his name. He was a senior like us, and an athlete. He was Rochelle¡¯s ex. Jeff looked like a person who¡¯d attend an ivy league school. He seemed too perfect for this school, he was better, but didn¡¯t rub it in. He¡¯s dewy, and pale, like a vampire. His hair is long enough for a pony- tail, yet he lets it hang loose. He¡¯s quiet for the most part and has lots of friends. He talks to a lot of girls, and hangs out with stoners, which includes Jake. He looked quite young though. People say that about me. Through it all, Jeff looked sad. People also say that about me too. I knew him well, through my eyes. I didn¡¯t know him. Did he know me? Did he know my history? Did he know the rumors? Did he know the truth? Is he judging me, like I¡¯m judging him? He stares at me for a while, he smiles. He doesn¡¯t stop. I push Jeff¡¯s arm off of me and go into the girl¡¯s bathroom. Ro-chelle follows me. I stand at a sink, running my cold hands under warm water. The stalls are empty. ¡°I gave him your number.¡± She says. ¡°Why would you do that Rochelle?¡± I ask. I turn off the water, the rusty handle squeaks, loud. I wait for the water to go down the drain. ¡°Don¡¯t judge.¡± She says. I bite my lip with guilt. ¡°He¡¯s your ex! I¡¯m fucking judging.¡± I mumble to myself. ¡°It was middle school.¡± She murmurs. Memories from some of the worst years for both Rochelle and I. The more we stay silent and reminisce on the past, the darker the mood was getting. I knew Rochelle since pre-school, and we were always close, but when middle school hit, she changed. We both changed. Seventh grade, she started off young, she was probably the first seventh grader in our school, to start exploring sex, or pretending to. Her and Jeff were a couple, back then. She got this way for many reasons. When the summer hit, some-thing happened. She started dating, not just middle school but high schoolers. There was this one high schooler, he liked her for her ¡°rumors¡±. They started to be a thing, then at a high school party, he got her drunk, and made her do things. His friends joined in too. I¡¯m one of the only people she¡¯s told. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. Since then, she¡¯s never been the same. It hit her hard for 2 years. She numbed the pain by sleeping around. Then over the summer of sophomore year she knocked on my door, and we started talking again. Still, to this day I find it sad that half of the guys in our grade, has been with my best friend. Half of them lost their virginity in middle school to her. I feel bad for Rochelle. She let her coping turn into a hab-it too. ¡°No, it¡¯s too weird. Jeff was with you.¡± I say. I¡¯m lying, it¡¯s not weird because of that. I grab a paper towel to feed the silence. ¡°Alex, I knew you were crying.¡± She says. I squeeze the paper towel. ¡°There¡¯s someone who thinks you¡¯re pretty fucking cool. Honestly, I couldn¡¯t agree with him more. I think you should give him a shot, he¡¯s really great.¡± She says. ¡°Why don¡¯t you two go to my party together!?¡± She insists. ¡°No.¡± Iugh. ¡°It¡¯ll be fun.¡± She says. ¡°Yeah, having sex is so much fun. Highly-doubt he just wants to hold hands all night.¡± I mock. ¡°I know you¡¯re a virgin Alex.¡± She says. ¡°Why does that matter?!¡± I ask. The butterflies that have been silent for monthse back. I squeeze the wet paper towel in my hand forfort. I can¡¯t look at Ro-chelle anymore. Someonees into the bathroom. ¡°I¡¯ll see you tonight.¡± I say. I leave the bathroom and walk home. Chapter 5: 4Best Friends Forever Chapter 5: 4Best Friends Forever There is some heavy, and dangerous history with Ms. Kristen¡¯s, and her family. She¡¯s more than just a neighbor. She¡¯s a Bartley, was a Bartley, a long time ago. Ever since what happened, she¡¯s never been the same, none of us have been. Everyone was affected by what happened between the Bart-ley¡¯s and Richard¡¯s, years ago. Since then, Ms. Kristen¡¯s been addicted to alcohol, and ¡°legal¡± boys. Of course, the neighborhood hates her, and mindlessly judges her for something she did in the past. She has no one to look out for her anymore, no one. I take it upon myself to make sure she¡¯s not letting someone hurt her, again. I owe her that. I owe her more than that. When I pulled into my driveway, I noticed the car was still parked outside her house. It''s mid-day. It must be serious. I should go over there. I want to see Ms. Kristen, hear her voice again, but I¡¯m too scared to walk through the front door. I haven¡¯t been over there in years, her house has lots of memories, and secrets. Bad ones. I go up to my room to look at Ms. Kristen. I do this often, be-cause I¡¯m too scared to do anything else. I do this often, when I miss him. From my window I can see her youngest son¡¯s room, and the gar-age. It is open. The garage at Ms. Kristen¡¯s is never open. That garage is from her past, her beautiful yet destructive past. It¡¯s filled with children¡¯s toys, and her husband¡¯s 1963 baby blue ssic he left behind. Everything that made Ms. Kristen¡¯s into what she is today, is what¡¯s in that garage. She¡¯d never open it. Rochelle calls me. I pick up. Music screams through the other end of the phone. She started the party without me? I smile at my own usations. It makes me feel bet-ter. ¡°Hey Alex, don¡¯t be mad at me. I¡¯m sorry about that stuff earli-er, with Jeff. He¡¯s a good guy, you know?¡± She says. I pick at my shirt. Hearing her happy, makes me happy. Then it makes me sad. ¡°I know Rochelle.¡± I mumble. My throat is sore. I¡¯m going to cry. ¡°You stilling over, right?¡± She asks me. She sounds sad now, I don¡¯t want her to be sad. ¡°Of course, I am.¡± I say. She¡¯s quiet now, and the music increases. She doesn¡¯t say any-more. I hang up. I look next-door and see Ms. Kristen in the garage. She¡¯s drunk and sad, but Ms. Kristen still looks beautiful. She¡¯s unbnced and grabbing the memories in the garage. It¡¯s bad. I watch for a while, because I¡¯m afraid to call. I¡¯m afraid to hear the rings, the anticipation pains. I call after a while and sit against the win-dow to watch. I¡¯m waiting, each ring I grow closer to her voice. I can see her phone lying on the garage floor, ringing. She picks her phone up and throws it at the fence. The sounds scare me, makes me jump. It hurts me more than you¡¯d think. Jake enters my room. ¡°Oh my god Jake! What the hell are you doing home?!¡± I yell. ¡°Getting my gear.¡± He says. I wipe my face. ¡°You okay?¡± He asked. There it is, those trigger words that I hate. ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m fine.¡± I lie. ¡°This is how you¡¯re taking it?¡± He asks. ¡°Hey, don¡¯t do anything stupid.¡± He says. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°I¡¯m fine, I promise, Jake.¡± I lie again. ¡°I need a ride to Rochelle¡¯s party; can you take me after my game?¡± He asks. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about Ms. Kristen, she¡¯s fine Alex. What is she, 43? Yeah, she¡¯s too hot for you.¡± He ¡°She is 43.¡± Iugh. ¡°She¡¯s done a lot for us Jake.¡± I say. ¡°She¡¯s fine Alex.¡± He says. He¡¯s trying to convince me. I want to fight his words, but I give in after a while. ¡°I don¡¯t ever remember Rochelle inviting you.¡± I exhale. I say this, because I want to hear Jake talk more. I felt warmer with his terrible humor. ¡°Ha, ha! So, is that a yes? I have to go, Dn is here.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯m supposed to be heading over to Rochelle¡¯s in a few. I could head over to Rochelle¡¯s once I pick you up.¡± I say. I want to tell him about Jeff, but he seems rushed. ¡°That¡¯ll work. Do you think you could give Emma a ride too?¡± Jake asks. Emma is his on, and off ¡°totally not my girlfriend¡±, girlfriend. ¡°If I say no?¡± I ask. He leaves the room. ¡°Sure. Emma too.¡± I shout. Hees back into the room. ¡°She¡¯s totally not my girlfriend.¡± Heughs. ¡°Totally.¡± I whisper. He leaves the room again. I hear his heavy cleats make it down the stairs. He shouts all the way from the living room. ¡°She¡¯s totally not Alex!¡± ¡°Totally!¡± I shout back. ~~~~~ I fell asleep at the window. It was now gloom, and dark outside. I¡¯m definitelyte to that damn party. I check my phone, there are texts and missed calls. Hey Alex, its Jeff. am I picking you up? ¨C Jiff Alex where are you! - Roc Okay, I said I was sorry about the whole Jeff thing. But he really likes u. Like really. Give him a shot ? - Roc I just want to say that I love uyy so sooo muoch! -Roc I smile at Rochelle¡¯s text. Jake calls me. ¡°Alex. Its Jake.¡± He says. ¡°Why did you just introduce yourself?¡± I ask. ¡°I¡¯m calling from Emma¡¯s phone, so I didn¡¯t know.¡± Jake says. ¡°No, I have Emma saved into my phone as Jakes Girlfriend, hey Emma!¡± I joke. Static pours through the phone. ¡°I¡¯m going to hang up now.¡± He says. ¡°Come on Jake, what¡¯s up? Why aren¡¯t you ying in the game right now?¡± I ask. All of Ms. Kristen¡¯s lights are on, I hear her screaming at someone inside. ¡°Earth to Alex, Hello?! They canceled the game because of the storm.¡± He mumbles. ¡°I¡¯ll be there.¡± I say. I hang up the phone. Then I call the police. I let the line ring, I dread each ring, it brings back memories. An operator answers the phone. There¡¯s static at first. Then there¡¯s a voice, it¡¯s a woman. The entire time I¡¯m scrunching my hair. I stood there for a few moments, trying to calm myself down. I was overthinking, I was blowing this out of proportion. I should hang up. When Ms. Kristen gets into these moods, it¡¯s bad. I¡¯ve only seen her like this a few times, those being the worst times for her. For the Bart-ley¡¯s and the Richards. Could this mystery boy, be from the past? My past? I look at the car next door. I¡¯m now fighting back tears. I can¡¯t think straight. I¡¯m still on the phone with the operator. I should hang up. I get goosebumps at the thought, hoping it was just a thought, not the truth. It couldn¡¯t be who I think it is, it can¡¯t be. They were nevering back, they can¡¯te back. My phone chimes, it¡¯s a text from an out of state number. I REALLY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. WHO IS THIS? HAYES. Everything inside of me panics from the name. I hang up and throw my phone. It was him. It was Hayes. I¡¯m now crying out loud uncontrobly. Everythinges back. The pulsing in my stomach, the pit. The cold gets colder, but I can finally breathe again. It felt like I was standing there forever. Time was slow, yet eve-rything was happening so fast. Police sirens sh in my window. They park next door, at Ms. Kristen¡¯s. I run outside, in the pouring rain. Ms. Kristen is in her doorway. ¡°Are you the one that called it in?¡± The police officer asks. I nod. I watch the rain roll off of his hat. His voice is t, heavy, mean. ¡°Yes, but it was a mistake.¡± I cry. He ignores me and walks over to Ms. Kristen. I stand in the rain, trying to catch my breath as I wait for Hayes. I want to see him, I want him to see me. I don¡¯t want him to hate me. He hates me now. Hees outside, but the rain¡¯s heavy. I walk closer to their house. I¡¯m scared to get too close. I see his curly hair, he¡¯s wearing a green hoodie, and ck shorts. ¡°Hayes!¡± I yell. The rain masks my voice. I yell again. I watch the police put him in handcuffs, my hands are shaking now. The police and Hayes were about to pass me, I reach them first. I wanted to tell the police to stop. I wanted to ask him why he was doing this to Hayes. I wanted to hear Hayes, I wanted to apologize. When they got close enough, I did none of those things. My throat pulsed, I fought the tears when I looked into Hayes¡¯s eyes. I stay silent. I feel too much to speak. Even though what just happened was my fault, I do nothing, again. The red and blue lights paint over me. I look at the sirens, instead. It hurts too much to watch him be ced in the car. I jump when the police m the door. Only now can I cry aloud. Only now can I look at him. The rain washes away the tears. I want it to wash away more. When I look at Hayes, I cover my mouth, and squeeze my shaking hands. Hayes shoots me nces the entire time he sits in the car. I apologize multiple times, but he can¡¯t hear me. I apologize again, for a secret. I say a secret, but he can¡¯t hear me. The rain is loud. This brings back memories. When we were young, and he was leav-ing Versa. It feels the same, but it hurts more. I fight back the fear and walk to the police car, but I¡¯m toote. Be-fore I can get close, the car drives off. The exhaust is the only thing left behind. I stand in the rain, with drenched clothes, now coated in exhaust. I look at Ms. Kristen, she looks at me. She wipes her face before go-ing inside her home. I don¡¯t know how much I can take, before I break down. Secondster my older brother Adam, pulls into our driveway. He ms his car door, I jump. I haven¡¯t seen him in months. I needed a hug. I needed to feel bet-ter. ¡°What the fuck did you just do Alex?¡± He shouts at me. I can¡¯t breathe through the rain, I can¡¯t catch my breath. The pit in my stomach is heavy. He doesn¡¯t know? He can¡¯t know, can he? ¡°I¡¯m sorry! I¡¯m so sorry Adam!¡± I cry. ¡°You just called the cops on Hayes?¡± He shouts. ¡°I didn¡¯t know it was him, I¡¯m sorry.¡± I cry again. ¡°You just fucking called the cops on Hayes.¡± He says. Who is Hayes? Hayes, Hayes Bartley. Hayes is Ms. Kristen¡¯s son. Hayes, is everything. Chapter 6: 4Best Friends Forever Chapter 6: 4Best Friends Forever There is some heavy, and dangerous history with Ms. Kristen¡¯s, and her family. She¡¯s more than just a neighbor. She¡¯s a Bartley, was a Bartley, a long time ago. Ever since what happened, she¡¯s never been the same, none of us have been. Everyone was affected by what happened between the Bart-ley¡¯s and Richard¡¯s, years ago. Since then, Ms. Kristen¡¯s been addicted to alcohol, and ¡°legal¡± boys. Of course, the neighborhood hates her, and mindlessly judges her for something she did in the past. She has no one to look out for her anymore, no one. I take it upon myself to make sure she¡¯s not letting someone hurt her, again. I owe her that. I owe her more than that. When I pulled into my driveway, I noticed the car was still parked outside her house. It''s mid-day. It must be serious. I should go over there. I want to see Ms. Kristen, hear her voice again, but I¡¯m too scared to walk through the front door. I haven¡¯t been over there in years, her house has lots of memories, and secrets. Bad ones. I go up to my room to look at Ms. Kristen. I do this often, be-cause I¡¯m too scared to do anything else. I do this often, when I miss him. From my window I can see her youngest son¡¯s room, and the gar-age. It is open. The garage at Ms. Kristen¡¯s is never open. That garage is from her past, her beautiful yet destructive past. It¡¯s filled with children¡¯s toys, and her husband¡¯s 1963 baby blue ssic he left behind. Everything that made Ms. Kristen¡¯s into what she is today, is what¡¯s in that garage. She¡¯d never open it. Rochelle calls me. I pick up. Music screams through the other end of the phone. She started the party without me? I smile at my own usations. It makes me feel bet-ter. ¡°Hey Alex, don¡¯t be mad at me. I¡¯m sorry about that stuff earli-er, with Jeff. He¡¯s a good guy, you know?¡± She says. I pick at my shirt. Hearing her happy, makes me happy. Then it makes me sad. ¡°I know Rochelle.¡± I mumble. My throat is sore. I¡¯m going to cry. ¡°You stilling over, right?¡± She asks me. She sounds sad now, I don¡¯t want her to be sad. ¡°Of course, I am.¡± I say. She¡¯s quiet now, and the music increases. She doesn¡¯t say any-more. I hang up. I look next-door and see Ms. Kristen in the garage. She¡¯s drunk and sad, but Ms. Kristen still looks beautiful. She¡¯s unbnced and grabbing the memories in the garage. It¡¯s bad. I watch for a while, because I¡¯m afraid to call. I¡¯m afraid to hear the rings, the anticipation pains. I call after a while and sit against the win-dow to watch. I¡¯m waiting, each ring I grow closer to her voice. I can see her phone lying on the garage floor, ringing. She picks her phone up and throws it at the fence. The sounds scare me, makes me jump. It hurts me more than you¡¯d think. Jake enters my room. ¡°Oh my god Jake! What the hell are you doing home?!¡± I yell. ¡°Getting my gear.¡± He says. I wipe my face. ¡°You okay?¡± He asked. There it is, those trigger words that I hate. ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m fine.¡± I lie. ¡°This is how you¡¯re taking it?¡± He asks. ¡°Hey, don¡¯t do anything stupid.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯m fine, I promise, Jake.¡± I lie again. ¡°I need a ride to Rochelle¡¯s party; can you take me after my game?¡± He asks. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about Ms. Kristen, she¡¯s fine Alex. What is she, 43? Yeah, she¡¯s too hot for you.¡± He ¡°She is 43.¡± Iugh. ¡°She¡¯s done a lot for us Jake.¡± I say. ¡°She¡¯s fine Alex.¡± He says. He¡¯s trying to convince me. I want to fight his words, but I give in after a while. ¡°I don¡¯t ever remember Rochelle inviting you.¡± I exhale. I say this, because I want to hear Jake talk more. I felt warmer with his terrible humor. ¡°Ha, ha! So, is that a yes? I have to go, Dn is here.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯m supposed to be heading over to Rochelle¡¯s in a few. I could head over to Rochelle¡¯s once I pick you up.¡± I say. I want to tell him about Jeff, but he seems rushed. ¡°That¡¯ll work. Do you think you could give Emma a ride too?¡± Jake asks. Emma is his on, and off ¡°totally not my girlfriend¡±, girlfriend. ¡°If I say no?¡± I ask. He leaves the room. ¡°Sure. Emma too.¡± I shout. Hees back into the room. ¡°She¡¯s totally not my girlfriend.¡± Heughs. ¡°Totally.¡± I whisper. He leaves the room again. I hear his heavy cleats make it down the stairs. He shouts all the way from the living room. ¡°She¡¯s totally not Alex!¡± ¡°Totally!¡± I shout back. ~~~~~ I fell asleep at the window. It was now gloom, and dark outside. I¡¯m definitelyte to that damn party. I check my phone, there are texts and missed calls. Hey Alex, its Jeff. am I picking you up? ¨C JiffN?velDrama.Org holds ? this. Alex where are you! - Roc Okay, I said I was sorry about the whole Jeff thing. But he really likes u. Like really. Give him a shot ? - Roc I just want to say that I love uyy so sooo muoch! -Roc I smile at Rochelle¡¯s text. Jake calls me. ¡°Alex. Its Jake.¡± He says. ¡°Why did you just introduce yourself?¡± I ask. ¡°I¡¯m calling from Emma¡¯s phone, so I didn¡¯t know.¡± Jake says. ¡°No, I have Emma saved into my phone as Jakes Girlfriend, hey Emma!¡± I joke. Static pours through the phone. ¡°I¡¯m going to hang up now.¡± He says. ¡°Come on Jake, what¡¯s up? Why aren¡¯t you ying in the game right now?¡± I ask. All of Ms. Kristen¡¯s lights are on, I hear her screaming at someone inside. ¡°Earth to Alex, Hello?! They canceled the game because of the storm.¡± He mumbles. ¡°I¡¯ll be there.¡± I say. I hang up the phone. Then I call the police. I let the line ring, I dread each ring, it brings back memories. An operator answers the phone. There¡¯s static at first. Then there¡¯s a voice, it¡¯s a woman. The entire time I¡¯m scrunching my hair. I stood there for a few moments, trying to calm myself down. I was overthinking, I was blowing this out of proportion. I should hang up. When Ms. Kristen gets into these moods, it¡¯s bad. I¡¯ve only seen her like this a few times, those being the worst times for her. For the Bart-ley¡¯s and the Richards. Could this mystery boy, be from the past? My past? I look at the car next door. I¡¯m now fighting back tears. I can¡¯t think straight. I¡¯m still on the phone with the operator. I should hang up. I get goosebumps at the thought, hoping it was just a thought, not the truth. It couldn¡¯t be who I think it is, it can¡¯t be. They were nevering back, they can¡¯te back. My phone chimes, it¡¯s a text from an out of state number. I REALLY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. WHO IS THIS? HAYES. Everything inside of me panics from the name. I hang up and throw my phone. It was him. It was Hayes. I¡¯m now crying out loud uncontrobly. Everythinges back. The pulsing in my stomach, the pit. The cold gets colder, but I can finally breathe again. It felt like I was standing there forever. Time was slow, yet eve-rything was happening so fast. Police sirens sh in my window. They park next door, at Ms. Kristen¡¯s. I run outside, in the pouring rain. Ms. Kristen is in her doorway. ¡°Are you the one that called it in?¡± The police officer asks. I nod. I watch the rain roll off of his hat. His voice is t, heavy, mean. ¡°Yes, but it was a mistake.¡± I cry. He ignores me and walks over to Ms. Kristen. I stand in the rain, trying to catch my breath as I wait for Hayes. I want to see him, I want him to see me. I don¡¯t want him to hate me. He hates me now. Hees outside, but the rain¡¯s heavy. I walk closer to their house. I¡¯m scared to get too close. I see his curly hair, he¡¯s wearing a green hoodie, and ck shorts. ¡°Hayes!¡± I yell. The rain masks my voice. I yell again. I watch the police put him in handcuffs, my hands are shaking now. The police and Hayes were about to pass me, I reach them first. I wanted to tell the police to stop. I wanted to ask him why he was doing this to Hayes. I wanted to hear Hayes, I wanted to apologize. When they got close enough, I did none of those things. My throat pulsed, I fought the tears when I looked into Hayes¡¯s eyes. I stay silent. I feel too much to speak. Even though what just happened was my fault, I do nothing, again. The red and blue lights paint over me. I look at the sirens, instead. It hurts too much to watch him be ced in the car. I jump when the police m the door. Only now can I cry aloud. Only now can I look at him. The rain washes away the tears. I want it to wash away more. When I look at Hayes, I cover my mouth, and squeeze my shaking hands. Hayes shoots me nces the entire time he sits in the car. I apologize multiple times, but he can¡¯t hear me. I apologize again, for a secret. I say a secret, but he can¡¯t hear me. The rain is loud. This brings back memories. When we were young, and he was leav-ing Versa. It feels the same, but it hurts more. I fight back the fear and walk to the police car, but I¡¯m toote. Be-fore I can get close, the car drives off. The exhaust is the only thing left behind. I stand in the rain, with drenched clothes, now coated in exhaust. I look at Ms. Kristen, she looks at me. She wipes her face before go-ing inside her home. I don¡¯t know how much I can take, before I break down. Secondster my older brother Adam, pulls into our driveway. He ms his car door, I jump. I haven¡¯t seen him in months. I needed a hug. I needed to feel bet-ter. ¡°What the fuck did you just do Alex?¡± He shouts at me. I can¡¯t breathe through the rain, I can¡¯t catch my breath. The pit in my stomach is heavy. He doesn¡¯t know? He can¡¯t know, can he? ¡°I¡¯m sorry! I¡¯m so sorry Adam!¡± I cry. ¡°You just called the cops on Hayes?¡± He shouts. ¡°I didn¡¯t know it was him, I¡¯m sorry.¡± I cry again. ¡°You just fucking called the cops on Hayes.¡± He says. Who is Hayes? Hayes, Hayes Bartley. Hayes is Ms. Kristen¡¯s son. Hayes, is everything. Chapter 7: 5I鈥檓 Sorry For Everything Chapter 7: 5I¡¯m Sorry For Everything ¡°A week-long of exams, and this is what I get toe home to.¡± Adam says. Adam is trying to stay calm. His sarcasm almost makes up for this fucked up situation. I knew his sarcasm was to hide that he was fucking pissed. He¡¯s hurt, I can tell. ¡°You said you watched him all day, and it took that long? If you even cared about them, why-why didn¡¯t you go over there? Better yet, call Ms. Kristen, before it escted?¡± He asks. ¡°Come on Alex, you¡¯ve known him almost your whole life, and you couldn¡¯t recognize him?¡± Adam asks. I scrunch my hair. I can recognize Hayes anywhere, but I didn¡¯t see Hayes. I didn¡¯t know who was hurting Ms. Kristen, she¡¯s been hurt before. That¡¯s why I called the cops. I want to say this aloud, but I stay silent. I¡¯m quiet, in fear I¡¯ll say something, I¡¯d regret. Instead, I pick at my wet hair, breathing through the minimal, cold air. ¡°What¡¯s going to happen to him?¡± My voice is low, it hurts now. ¡°They¡¯re probably going to hold him overnight since his mom will be too fucking drunk, to do anything.¡± I can hear the sadness in Adam¡¯s voice. ¡°I¡¯ll go next door and talk to her.¡± I say. ¡°Don¡¯t Alex! Just, don¡¯t!¡± He shouts. I get chills from his voice. I didn¡¯t want him to be mad at me, yet I¡¯d rather hear him scowl me. I¡¯d prefer N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. this, over silence, but that¡¯s exactly what I get. Silence. Adam heads up to his room, I hear him drag his feet up the stairs. Then there¡¯s silence, too much silence. I try tofort myself, but it¡¯s not working. I could feel the harsh butterflies in my stomach, the burning in my throat. I¡¯m about to break down. I needed a distraction. I needed to numb this pit. The memories, the dark secrets are about to flood my mind. There¡¯s an old text from Jake, he reminds me to pick him up. I didn¡¯t want to do anything else wrong today, I know that¡¯s impossible. I go to my car, drenching myself again. This time, the rain was heavy enough for me to get lost in it. I wanted to lose myself in this storm, forever. I start the car, and it turns off secondster. The battery blew. I yell, stomping my feet. Every part of me is drenched, everything feels gross. Yet, I don¡¯t move. I¡¯m too sad to move. I sink into my seat and close my eyes. I take my keys and scribble on my pants. I¡¯ll do this until the tears fall. The tears fall. Everything wasing back. The unwanted memories. Memories of the Richards. Memories of The Bartley¡¯s. Memories of Hayes. The secrets, the dark secrets, and everything. I can¡¯t stop them. Chapter 8: 5I鈥檓 Sorry For Everything Chapter 8: 5I¡¯m Sorry For Everything ¡°A week-long of exams, and this is what I get toe home to.¡± Adam says. Adam is trying to stay calm. His sarcasm almost makes up for this fucked up situation. I knew his sarcasm was to hide that he was fucking pissed. He¡¯s hurt, I can tell. ¡°You said you watched him all day, and it took that long? If you even cared about them, why-why didn¡¯t you go over there? Better yet, call Ms. Kristen, before it escted?¡± He asks. ¡°Come on Alex, you¡¯ve known him almost your whole life, and you couldn¡¯t recognize him?¡± Adam asks. I scrunch my hair. I can recognize Hayes anywhere, but I didn¡¯t see Hayes. I didn¡¯t know who was hurting Ms. Kristen, she¡¯s been hurt before. That¡¯s why I called the cops. I want to say this aloud, but I stay silent. I¡¯m quiet, in fear I¡¯ll say something, I¡¯d regret. Instead, I pick at my wet hair, breathing through the minimal, cold air. ¡°What¡¯s going to happen to him?¡± My voice is low, it hurts now. ¡°They¡¯re probably going to hold him overnight since his mom will be too fucking drunk, to do anything.¡± I can hear the sadness in Adam¡¯s voice. ¡°I¡¯ll go next door and talk to her.¡± I say. ¡°Don¡¯t Alex! Just, don¡¯t!¡± He shouts. I get chills from his voice. I didn¡¯t want him to be mad at me, yet I¡¯d rather hear him scowl me. I¡¯d prefer this, over silence, but that¡¯s exactly what I get. Silence. Adam heads up to his room, I hear him drag his feet up the stairs. Then there¡¯s silence, too much silence. I try tofort myself, but it¡¯s not working. I could feel the harsh butterflies in my stomach, the burning in my throat. I¡¯m about to break down. I needed a distraction. I needed to numb this pit. The memories, the dark secrets are about to flood my mind. There¡¯s an old text from Jake, he reminds me to pick him up. I didn¡¯t want to do anything else wrong today, I know that¡¯s impossible. I go to my car, drenching myself again. This time, the rain was heavy enough for me to get lost in it. I wanted to lose myself in this storm, forever. I start the car, and it turns off secondster. The battery blew. I yell, stomping my feet. Every part of me is drenched, everything feels gross. Yet, I don¡¯t move. I¡¯m too sad to move. I sink into my seat and close my eyes. I take my keys and scribble on my pants. I¡¯ll do this N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. until the tears fall. The tears fall. Everything wasing back. The unwanted memories. Memories of the Richards. Memories of The Bartley¡¯s. Memories of Hayes. The secrets, the dark secrets, and everything. I can¡¯t stop them. Chapter 9: 6This Summer Chapter 9: 6This Summer I met the Bartley¡¯s 13 years ago. The Richards were the ¡°new¡± neighbors in this small town. At the time I had no clue why my mother decided to move so far from home, in a town we knew no one in. It was a widowed mom, and her 4 hyperactive kids who had an im-pulse to never sit still. We were a handful, but she knew how to handle us somehow. I imagine life before Versa was quite dark, though I¡¯d not know. I was too young to remember those memories anyways. I remember the ck dresses, and suits at my father¡¯s wake though. He passed a year before we moved to Versa. By the time we got here, the town knew all about the widowed mother. That¡¯s Versa for you. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. The Bartley¡¯s, they were different. They weed us with open arms, they were our friends. More than that, they were our family. They had been living in Versa their entire lives. In fact, Ms. Kristen was raised, and grew up in the same house she lives in still to this day. She invested in the perfect family. A traveling husband,mitted to work, and her two boys. All perfect. The oldest was Hayes Bartley. When I met him, I was only 4, and he was 7. He was like another older brother. Then their youngest was Timmy Bartley, he was only 2, he was perfect in every single way. Over the years, our rtionship with the Bartley¡¯s grew, so fast and strong. We all build rtionships with one another, some more than others. One summer, when I was ten years old, Hayes confessed his deep-est love for me. The confession was on a folded paper, with the cheesy ¡°yes¡± and ¡°no¡± check boxes. We were so young, yet he wanted me to be his girl-friend, forever. At the time he was still my ¡°brother¡±, I thought it was gross. ¡°How romantic! You should say yes!¡± Squealed Rochelle. Even back then she was a fan of romance. Hayes handed me the note in front of everyone, and I read it aloud. I¡¯d thought I had done something wrong. I thought ¡°what did I do to deserve an embarrassing letter in front of everyone¡±. ¡°A girlfriend?¡± I say to my mom. ¡°I think it¡¯s very cute Alex. But, he¡¯s like your brother.¡± My mother says. I contemted on the idea for a full, 2 hours. Then I¡¯d go back outside, hiding the note behind my back. Hayes was there, with a handful of picked flowers from his mother¡¯s garden. We quickly make a trade, without eye contact. I got the flowers, and he got the note. When he goes to look at it, I can see his face. He was destroyed. I said no. I was his first heart break that summer. If only I knew that was only the beginning for summer heartbreaks. This summer was going to be the worst. I was big on all-nighters, forts, tents, and movies. They were the best during summer nights. I only had Rochelle, and Hayes, they were my only friends. Some-times, my friends had friends, and it was just me and my thoughts. Sometimes, I¡¯d host all-nighters, alone. I called them ¡°shut up thoughts I can¡¯t sleep, so let¡¯s draw and listen to the radio all night.¡± It was better than crying, I guess. How can you miss someone you barely knew? I missed him every night. Every night that summer I thought of my father. Most nights would turn into ¡°dawn¡± mornings. Like always, when I couldn¡¯t sleep, I¡¯d sleep in my mother¡¯s bed. I could always fall asleep in her arms. We¡¯d look at proid¡¯s from my dad¡¯s book, as she yed in my hair. I should¡¯ve been more careful that day. The air was moist, the dryer was going off, downstairs. I call for my mom, she doesn¡¯t respond back to me. The sun wasing up. I open her closed door, without knocking. As soon as I do, I feel the most painful pit in my stomach. It¡¯s as if I¡¯d lost my appetite, without even being hungry. It ached, it hurt. I¡¯m mute now. The noises had stopped when I peeked inside. The mood was heavy, I could faint from the pressure. My mother calls after me, but the man closes the door. Mr. Bartley closes the door. Right in my face. It was a dream. These words kept mumbling, as I go back upstairs. My muscles are weak, I struggle to close my door. I slide into bed and fall asleep. That¡¯s what I¡¯d called them ¡°dreams¡±. That¡¯s how a 10-year-old, coped with her mother having an affair with her best friend¡¯s father. Silly me, for thinking it would go away. Silly me, for thinking my mother wouldfort me, talk to me. Choose me. Summer was fading, yet every ¡°dawn¡± morning, I¡¯d st my radio, to mask the dryer, to mask the real noise. I could¡¯ve asked my mother about it, she remembered me seeing everything. She just never cared enough to talk with me about it. She just expected me to keep this secret. Deep down, she knew me well enough, to know I would. Over the summer this lie affected me. It affected me in many ways. The secret became too much. Summer was almost done, I had carried this secret for so long. I just had to hold on a little longer, just a little longer. One more month. Then, one afternoon, Ms. Kristen came over. Only hours after Mr. Bartley slipped out of the house earlier that day. She just wanted to drop off some baked goods, like always. Ms. Kristen looked so beautiful that day, she was happy. Before she got addicted to alcohol, and young men. Before she did something terrible. Before all of that, Ms. Kristen was the ¡°perfect mom¡± who made the best meals, and gave her heart to everyone, al- ways. It all changed that day. Everything changed, because of me. Be-cause I got sloppy. Because I wasn¡¯t careful enough. This was my first secret. One of my only secrets that slipped through. I didn¡¯t want it to happen right now, I didn¡¯t want to do it. The lie locked away, woulde into light, whether I was ready, or not. She came through the front door. It was just the two of us. She didn¡¯t have a key, but it was always unlocked, just for the Bart-ley¡¯s. I followed her into the kitchen, she only made it halfway through when she saw something lying on the counter. It was a diamond ring. Just like the one on her hand. ¡°Who¡¯s ring is that?¡± She asks. I lie. I lie because, I love my mother so much. I lie because I was afraid. I lie, because I didn¡¯t want to cry. I didn¡¯t want to lie to my sec-ond mother, who stands right in front of me. I loved Ms. Kristen, I loved her so much. Yet, I pick up the ring, and force a tale. ¡°It¡¯s mine.¡± I say. ¡°Don¡¯t lie Alex, I know you.¡± She says. She holds my hand. Her voice is sad. I squeeze her hand and shake my head. This was enough for me to cry, I tried to stop the tears. It hurt too much, to. ¡°Hayes gave it to me.¡± I lie again, feeling my throat close. Tears start to fall. Right then and there, I knew I had ruined it. It was me, who killed the light in Ms. Kristen that day. I made her change the prefixes, she stands by to this day. It wasn¡¯t immediate, it took time for my one little slip, to destroy her. To destroy all the Bartley¡¯s, and the Richards¡¯s. It took death to break them. This is what happens when a secretes out. It kills. It¡¯s all because of me. It was all my fault. ~~~~~~ ¡°Alex, what did you do?!¡± My mom scowls me. This was the first time, I heard my mother¡¯s soft voice turn grey. Her voice turned angry, turned hateful. She fed the hungry butterflies that grow in my stomach. Just wanted her to hug me. Wanted her to love me, again. y in my hair, like before. ¡°I should¡¯ve put the ring away. I¡¯m sorry!¡± I yell. ¡°Damn right!¡± She shouts. ¡°I¡¯m only 10.¡± I mumble. I cover my mouth. ¡°Yes, you are. No, it¡¯s my fault, it¡¯s my fault.¡± My mom breaks down. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± She cries. She¡¯s slumped against theundry door. We¡¯re quiet again, but she doesn¡¯t look at me anymore. I want her to look at me. Both Mr. Bartley and my mother were wrong, and they¡¯d soon have to watch the domino effect they caused. Or, what I caused. ~~~~~ When the affair was finally brought to light, the Bartley¡¯s still went on with their lives. They just lived the lie, I had to all summer. The Richard¡¯s were distant, the rest of my siblings were still in the dark. Time passed, yet the affair didn¡¯t stop. School and photography were my only escapes. They lived the lie around the town. Only to go home and argue all night, till the sun came up. Deep down I think everyone knew. At least, that¡¯s what I wished for, because I hated being one of the few, who knew the truth. I was still better off, then Ms. Kristen. When Ms. Kristen found out about the affair, she used alcohol and opioids to numb the pain. Doing so, made her coherent many things. She missed a lot. It costs a life. It was next year, spring break, and the Bartley¡¯s decided to go to Timmy¡¯s favorite ce in Versa; The Coast. As the story goes; Versa was experiencing storm season that spring. It could go from sunny, to cumulonimbus clouds in seconds. There was quite a bad storming inter on in the evening. The Bartley¡¯s knew this, and still went. They knew the crowd was going to be small. They knew there wouldn¡¯t be that many people to see the Bartley¡¯s ¡°perfect¡± mother, turned to the perfect ¡°drunk¡±. The sad thing is, no one knew. No one knew why she fell apart. Not even her sons. It stayed between the wife, the husband, the widowed single moth-er, and her 11-year-old daughter, who couldn¡¯t tell a proper lie. On their family outing the Bartley¡¯s spilt up, it was Mr. Bartley¡¯s idea. Hayes went with his father, and Timmy had to stay with his now hungover mother. This little spilt on their family outing was so the two parents could announce that they were getting a divorce. The conversations between the Bartley¡¯s could¡¯ve had tears in-volved, could¡¯ve been lies, only they know. It¡¯s what happened about an hourter that is on record. ~~~~~ After the news was dropped to the children, the father, and oldest son left the Versa Coast to get ice cream. When they returned back, they received the news that three kids had drowned, two boys, and a girl. Only one was revived. Within that hour the tide had tripled. Some say they saw the three kids go into the water with everyone else. When the coastguard alerted everyone to shore. Three didn¡¯te back. By the time they found the three, it was toote. They saved one. Timmy didn¡¯t make it. Some say on the beach, Mr. Bartleyshed out, and med Ms. Kristen for Timmy¡¯s death. Some say Mr. Bartley hurt Ms. Kristen. Then after that, came the secrets. Now the whole town knew. The secrets were out. Most knew about the affair. This was the final line for the perfect family. The Bartley¡¯s, had broken. Ms. Kristen stopped opioids, but not alcohol. She stayed cooped on istion, never leaving the house. She stoppeding over, she stopped loving me. I stopped loving her. Mr. Bartley stoppeding over too, he stopped seeing my mother. Mr. Bartley was now, de-pressed. It was Hayes who took it the worst though. After the ident, Hayes was gone for a full month. When he re-turned, he was different. He barely left the house. I wasn¡¯t allowed to see him at home, or in school. They took him out. He stopped being my best friend for, a while. Just when things got better, he leaves again. Mr. Bartley only gave it 2 months before he left Ms. Kristen. He took Hayes with him, and they moved to Hawaii, never looking back. Now Hayes is back. After Timmy¡¯s death, we drifted. It was mostly my fault, I kept my distance. The guilt ate me alive, even more around Hayes. At the time we needed each other the most, we stayed apart. It was my fault I avoided Hayes whenever he called, whenever he asked for me. The secrets were piling up, I didn¡¯t know how to tell him, or anyone, anything. I chose to stay away. ~~~~~ Now he¡¯s back to resurface the unwanted memories, and se-crets. Secrets that we still keep, secrets between Hayes and me, from 3 years ago. That was thest time he came to Versa, it was for a funer-al. Even then, we weren¡¯t close anymore. We were just neighbors with history. Neighbors who felt the same pain. Neighbors who were both numb, and once each other¡¯s anchors, best friends. 3 years ago, I gained many secrets, and created some. This time, I better keep the secrets inside, or they might kill. Chapter 10: 6This Summer Chapter 10: 6This Summer I met the Bartley¡¯s 13 years ago. The Richards were the ¡°new¡± neighbors in this small town. At the time I had no clue why my mother decided to move so far from home, in a town we knew no one in. It was a widowed mom, and her 4 hyperactive kids who had an im-pulse to never sit still. We were a handful, but she knew how to handle us somehow. I imagine life before Versa was quite dark, though I¡¯d not know. I was too young to remember those memories anyways. I remember the ck dresses, and suits at my father¡¯s wake though. He passed a year before we moved to Versa. By the time we got here, the town knew all about the widowed mother. That¡¯s Versa for you. The Bartley¡¯s, they were different. They weed us with open arms, they were our friends. More than that, they were our family. They had been living in Versa their entire lives. In fact, Ms. Kristen was raised, and grew up in the same house she lives in still to this day. She invested in the perfect family. A traveling husband,mitted to work, and her two boys. All perfect. The oldest was Hayes Bartley. When I met him, I was only 4, and he was 7. He was like another older brother. Then their youngest was Timmy Bartley, he was only 2, he was perfect in every single way. Over the years, our rtionship with the Bartley¡¯s grew, so fast and strong. We all build rtionships with one another, some more than others. One summer, when I was ten years old, Hayes confessed his deep-est love for me. The confession was on a folded paper, with the cheesy ¡°yes¡± and ¡°no¡± check boxes. We were so young, yet he wanted me to be his girl-friend, forever. At the time he was still my ¡°brother¡±, I thought it was gross. ¡°How romantic! You should say yes!¡± Squealed Rochelle. Even back then she was a fan of romance. Hayes handed me the note in front of everyone, and I read it aloud. I¡¯d thought I had done something wrong. I thought ¡°what did I do to deserve an embarrassing letter in front of everyone¡±. ¡°A girlfriend?¡± I say to my mom. ¡°I think it¡¯s very cute Alex. But, he¡¯s like your brother.¡± My mother says. I contemted on the idea for a full, 2 hours. Then I¡¯d go back outside, hiding the note behind my back. Hayes was there, with a handful of picked flowers from his mother¡¯s garden. We quickly make a trade, without eye contact. I got the flowers, and he got the note. When he goes to look at it, I can see his face. He was destroyed. I said no. I was his first heart break that summer. If only I knew that was only the beginning for summer heartbreaks. This summer was going to be the worst. I was big on all-nighters, forts, tents, and movies. They were the best during summer nights. I only had Rochelle, and Hayes, they were my only friends. Some-times, my friends had friends, and it was just me and my thoughts. Sometimes, I¡¯d host all-nighters, alone. I called them ¡°shut up thoughts I can¡¯t sleep, so let¡¯s draw and listen to the radio all night.¡± It was better than crying, I guess. How can you miss someone you barely knew? I missed him every night. Every night that summer I thought of my father. Most nights would turn into ¡°dawn¡± mornings. Like always, when I couldn¡¯t sleep, I¡¯d sleep in my mother¡¯s bed. I could always fall asleep in her arms. We¡¯d look at proid¡¯s from my dad¡¯s book, as she yed in my hair. I should¡¯ve been more careful that day. The air was moist, the dryer was going off, downstairs. I call for my mom, she doesn¡¯t respond back to me. The sun wasing up. I open her closed door, without knocking. As soon as I do, I feel the most painful pit in my stomach. It¡¯s as if I¡¯d lost my appetite, without even being hungry. It ached, it hurt. I¡¯m mute now. The noises had stopped when I peeked inside. The mood was heavy, I could faint from the pressure. My mother calls after me, but the man closes the door. Mr. Bartley closes the door. Right in my face. It was a dream. These words kept mumbling, as I go back upstairs. My muscles are weak, I struggle to close my door. I slide into bed and fall asleep. That¡¯s what I¡¯d called them ¡°dreams¡±. That¡¯s how a 10-year-old, coped with her mother having an affair with her best friend¡¯s father. Silly me, for thinking it would go away. Silly me, for thinking my mother wouldfort me, talk to me. Choose me. Summer was fading, yet every ¡°dawn¡± morning, I¡¯d st my radio, to mask the dryer, to mask the real noise. I could¡¯ve asked my mother about it, she remembered me seeing everything. She just never cared enough to talk with me about it. She just expected me to keep this secret. Deep down, she knew me well enough, to know I would. Over the summer this lie affected me. It affected me in many ways. The secret became too much. Summer was almost done, I had carried this secret for so long. I just had to hold on a little longer, just a little longer. One more month. Then, one afternoon, Ms. Kristen came over. Only hours after Mr. Bartley slipped out of the house earlier that day. She just wanted to drop off some baked goods, like always. Ms. Kristen looked so beautiful that day, she was happy. Before she got addicted to alcohol, and young men. Before she did something terrible. Before all of that, Ms. Kristen was the ¡°perfect mom¡± who made the best meals, and gave her heart to everyone, al- ways. It all changed that day. Everything changed, because of me. Be-cause I got sloppy. Because I wasn¡¯t careful enough. This was my first secret. One of my only secrets that slipped through. I didn¡¯t want it to happen right now, I didn¡¯t want to do it. The lie locked away, woulde into light, whether I was ready, or not. She came through the front door. It was just the two of us. She didn¡¯t have a key, but it was always unlocked, just for the Bart-ley¡¯s. I followed her into the kitchen, she only made it halfway through when she saw something lying on the counter. It was a diamond ring. Just like the one on her hand. ¡°Who¡¯s ring is that?¡± She asks. I lie. I lie because, I love my mother so much. I lie because I was afraid. I lie, because I didn¡¯t want to cry. I didn¡¯t want to lie to my sec-ond mother, who stands right in front of me. I loved Ms. Kristen, I loved her so much. Yet, I pick up the ring, and force a tale. ¡°It¡¯s mine.¡± I say. ¡°Don¡¯t lie Alex, I know you.¡± She says. She holds my hand. Her voice is sad. I squeeze her hand and shake my head. This was enough for me to cry, I tried to stop the tears. It hurt too much, to. ¡°Hayes gave it to me.¡± I lie again, feeling my throat close. Tears start to fall. Right then and there, I knew I had ruined it. It was me, who killed the light in Ms. Kristen that day. I made her change the prefixes, she stands by to this day. It wasn¡¯t immediate, it took time for my one little slip, to destroy her. To destroy all the Bartley¡¯s, and the Richards¡¯s. It took death to break them. This is what happens when a secretes out. It kills. It¡¯s all because of me. It was all my fault. ~~~~~~ ¡°Alex, what did you do?!¡± My mom scowls me. This was the first time, I heard my mother¡¯s soft voice turn grey. Her voice turned angry, turned hateful. She fed the hungry butterflies that grow in my stomach. Just wanted her to hug me. Wanted her to love me, again. y in my hair, like before. ¡°I should¡¯ve put the ring away. I¡¯m sorry!¡± I yell. ¡°Damn right!¡± She shouts. ¡°I¡¯m only 10.¡± I mumble. I cover my mouth. ¡°Yes, you are. No, it¡¯s my fault, it¡¯s my fault.¡± My mom breaks down. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± She cries. She¡¯s slumped against theundry door. We¡¯re quiet again, but she doesn¡¯t look at me anymore. I want her to look at me. Both Mr. Bartley and my mother were wrong, and they¡¯d soon have to watch the domino effect they caused. Or, what I caused. ~~~~~ When the affair was finally brought to light, the Bartley¡¯s still went on with their lives. They just lived the lie, I had to all summer. The Richard¡¯s were distant, the rest of my siblings were still in the dark. Time passed, yet the affair didn¡¯t stop. School and photography were my only escapes. They lived the lie around the town. Only to go home and argue all night, till the sun came up. Deep down I think everyone knew. At least, that¡¯s what I wished for, because I hated being one of the few, who knew the truth. I was still better off, then Ms. Kristen. When Ms. Kristen found out about the affair, she used alcohol and opioids to numb the pain. Doing so, made her coherent many things. She missed a lot. It costs a life. It was next year, spring break, and the Bartley¡¯s decided to go to Timmy¡¯s favorite ce in Versa; The Coast. As the story goes; Versa was experiencing storm season that spring. It could go from sunny, to cumulonimbus clouds in seconds. There was quite a bad storming inter on in the evening. The Bartley¡¯s knew this, and still went. They knew the crowd was going to be small. They knew there wouldn¡¯t be that many people to see the Bartley¡¯s ¡°perfect¡± mother, turned to the perfect ¡°drunk¡±. The sad thing is, no one knew. No one knew why she fell apart. Not even her sons. It stayed between the wife, the husband, the widowed single moth-er, and her 11-year-old daughter, who couldn¡¯t tell a proper lie. On their family outing the Bartley¡¯s spilt up, it was Mr. Bartley¡¯s idea. Hayes went with his father, and Timmy had to stay with his now hungover mother. This little spilt on their family outing was so the two parents could announce that they were getting a divorce. The conversations between the Bartley¡¯s could¡¯ve had tears in-volved, could¡¯ve been lies, only they know. It¡¯s what happened about an hourter that is on record. ~~~~~ After the news was dropped to the children, the father, and oldest son left the Versa Coast to get ice cream. When they returned back, they received the news that three kids had drowned, two boys, and a girl. Only one was revived. Within that hour the tide had tripled. Some say they saw the three kids go into the water with everyone else. When the coastguard alerted everyone to shore. Three didn¡¯te back. By the time they found the three, it was toote. They saved one. Timmy didn¡¯t make it. Some say on the beach, Mr. Bartleyshed out, and med Ms. Kristen for Timmy¡¯s death. Some say Mr. Bartley hurt Ms. Kristen. Then after that, came the secrets. Now the whole town knew. The secrets were out. Most knew about the affair. This was the final line for the perfect family. The Bartley¡¯s, had broken. Ms. Kristen stopped opioids, but not alcohol. She stayed cooped on istion, never leaving the house. She stoppeding over, she stopped loving me. I stopped loving her. Mr. Bartley stoppeding over too, he stopped seeing my mother. Mr. Bartley was now, de-pressed. It was Hayes who took it the worst though. After the ident, Hayes was gone for a full month. When he re-turned, he was different. He barely left the house. I wasn¡¯t allowed to see him at home, or in school. They took him out. He stopped being my best friend for, a while. Just when things got better, he leaves again. Mr. Bartley only gave it 2 months before he left Ms. Kristen. He took Hayes with him, and they moved to Hawaii, never looking back. Now Hayes is back. After Timmy¡¯s death, we drifted. It was mostly my fault, I kept my distance. The guilt ate me alive, even more around Hayes. At the time we needed each other the most, we stayed apart. It was my fault I avoided Hayes whenever he called, whenever he asked for me. The secrets were Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. piling up, I didn¡¯t know how to tell him, or anyone, anything. I chose to stay away. ~~~~~ Now he¡¯s back to resurface the unwanted memories, and se-crets. Secrets that we still keep, secrets between Hayes and me, from 3 years ago. That was thest time he came to Versa, it was for a funer-al. Even then, we weren¡¯t close anymore. We were just neighbors with history. Neighbors who felt the same pain. Neighbors who were both numb, and once each other¡¯s anchors, best friends. 3 years ago, I gained many secrets, and created some. This time, I better keep the secrets inside, or they might kill. Chapter 11: 6I鈥檓 Sorry I Said No To Your Letter Chapter 11: 6I¡¯m Sorry I Said No To Your Letter Last night was a blur, I got lost in memories, secrets, and fears. There was only one person in my mind; Hayes. I wasn¡¯t even aware where I was, until a honk wakes me up. ¡°Alex! I see you slept well!¡± Jake shouts. ¡°Jake fucking stop with the noise.¡± I shout back. ¡°You slept in your car, Alex. You already lost in this argument.¡± Heughs. Still tucked into the seat, I hear Jake approach my car. He¡¯s dragging his feet on the pavement. ¡°What happened to you?¡± He asks. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, did it not rain yesterday Jake!?¡± I ask. ¡°What were you doing catching the raindrops on your face? You¡¯re wearing a jacket.¡± He says. ¡°Fucking screw you for not telling me Hayes was back. I called the cops.¡± I say. Jake covers his mouth. ¡°You called the cops?¡± Jakeughs. ¡°Yeah, I figured. Adam told me about that. Hey, did you know he¡¯s back, too?¡± He mocks. I stay silent. ¡°He told me off too, gave me shit. I swear, college life is making him deranged.¡± Heughs. Silence pours over us. ¡°Adam said I was being a ¡°fucking dick¡± about Hayes being back and everything. Sorry, I didn¡¯t tell you, Alex.¡± I nod at his apology. ¡°I finally found a ride to Rochelle¡¯s party, we waited around for almost an hour.¡± He says. ¡°If you hadn¡¯t noticed my car¡¯s dead. d to you were worried about me. Tell your girlfriend, I got lost or something, I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll believe that.¡± I say. I feel better. I know when we stop talking, the pit in my stom-ach wille back. ¡°She¡¯s not my girlfriend, but I noticed your battery and brought you something.¡± He says. ¡°It¡¯s temporary, so no road trips.¡± Jakeughs. He hands me a double A battery. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I shout. He says it back. ~~~~~ It only took a few minutes for my guilty conscious, and memo-ries toe back. My phone rings, it¡¯s work. ¡°Hey Alex, we¡¯re going to need you down in a few, your shifts in the next 15 minutes. Can youe in?¡± Even though I didn¡¯t have a running car, I was going to find a way to work. Too much quiet is bad for me. Adam lets Jake burrows his car, Jake still had to take me to work though. On our way there we stopped at an auto ce, so I could get a battery. ~~~~ Work wasn¡¯t super busy today, it¡¯s storm season. This means, people stay away from the coast. It¡¯s been like this for years. When three children drowned that day, the coast changed. A year after Timmy died, after the Bartley¡¯s split, I started training. It was my way of coping, my escape. I never wanted what happened to Timmy, and that little girl to happen to anyone else. Which is why, I¡¯m a lifeguard. Versa is beautiful, and a lot to take in. Yet, Versa is on the coast of Washington, which means it brings in heavy waves, and dangerous storms. When you¡¯re out in the water, you have to know what you¡¯re doing even on a sunny day. Even for lifeguards, it¡¯s a risk. No matter how hard you train, you have to remember. The waves always win. Since I started working at the coast, almost-three years ago, there hasn¡¯t been any fatal DNS¡¯s. I take my job very serious, and it hurts to know, that when I leave Versa, I also leave Versa Coast. It¡¯s the ce that I love the most. It¡¯s where I picked up my photog-raphy hobby. I take pictures of the water, of the birds, and life at Versa Coast. It¡¯s a dream job in my eyes, but I want to see more of the world. ~~~~ When my shift is over, I go to the changing tower. ¡°Why are you here?¡± I ask. ¡°You never texted back.¡± He says. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. He keeps looking at me. He keeps walking towards me. ¡°My car broke down.¡± I say. It sounds like a lie. ¡°You could have told me, I would¡¯ve picked you up.¡± Jeff steps forward, I step back. I hit the wall. We¡¯re inches from each other¡¯s face. ¡°We¡¯re really close.¡± I say. He backs away. ¡°What, did you follow me or something?¡± Iugh. ¡°What if I did?¡± He says. ¡°No, Jake told me you needed to get picked up from work.¡± His voice is soft. Fucking Jake. I stay quiet, he¡¯s waiting for me to say something to him, any-thing. I pretend to ignore him. I do this, so he¡¯d go away, deep down I didn¡¯t want him to. ¡°Come on Alex.¡± He says. He tries to touch my hair, but I move away. I watch him run his hands through his hair. He smiles through the anger I¡¯m causing him, I feel bad. He¡¯s about to leave, when I grab his hand. ¡°Jeff, we can¡¯t be anything.¡± I say. ¡°Why?¡± He asks. ¡°We just can¡¯t.¡± I say. ¡°Can we at least be friends?¡± He asks. ¡°You want to be my friend?¡± I smile. ¡°I think you''re cool.¡± He says. I look at him for too long, he gets shy and looks away. I wanted to y along to this, I wanted to give into Jeff¡¯s words. He was nice, and kind. He just popped into my life at the wrong time. He leans into me. Our hands are now inteced, the wall in my backbone. He¡¯s so close I can feel his warmth. He tries to touch my hair again, there¡¯s heavy silence. He¡¯s done this before, to other girls. I move his hand. He stays quiet. ¡°Why are you being so rude to me Alex?¡± He asks. ¡°Why me? Why do you like me?¡± I ask. ¡°Don¡¯t you know all about the Richards?¡± I ask. ¡°I know about your mom, I know about the Bartley¡¯s.¡± He says. That was enough for me. His words stabbed the shield I had built over the years. A few names are all I have to hear, to crumble. I leave the tower, and call Adam. ~~~~~ It took no more than ten minutes for him to pick me up. When I got in the car, I could tell by the silence, that something had happened. The car ride was silent, Adam said one thing. He said Hayes was back home. Only then does the radio kick in and quiet my thoughts. WELCOME HOME HAYES ~~~~~ Chapter 12: 6I鈥檓 Sorry I Said No To Your Letter Chapter 12: 6I¡¯m Sorry I Said No To Your Letter Last night was a blur, I got lost in memories, secrets, and fears. There was only one person in my mind; Hayes. I wasn¡¯t even aware where I was, until a honk wakes me up. ¡°Alex! I see you slept well!¡± Jake shouts. ¡°Jake fucking stop with the noise.¡± I shout back. ¡°You slept in your car, Alex. You already lost in this argument.¡± Heughs. Still tucked into the seat, I hear Jake approach my car. He¡¯s dragging his feet on the pavement. ¡°What happened to you?¡± He asks. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, did it not rain yesterday Jake!?¡± I ask. ¡°What were you doing catching the raindrops on your face? You¡¯re wearing a jacket.¡± He says. ¡°Fucking screw you for not telling me Hayes was back. I called the cops.¡± I say. Jake covers his mouth. ¡°You called the cops?¡± Jakeughs. ¡°Yeah, I figured. Adam told me about that. Hey, did you know he¡¯s back, too?¡± He mocks. I stay silent. ¡°He told me off too, gave me shit. I swear, college life is making him deranged.¡± Heughs. Silence pours over us. ¡°Adam said I was being a ¡°fucking dick¡± about Hayes being back and everything. Sorry, I didn¡¯t tell you, Alex.¡± I nod at his apology. ¡°I finally found a ride to Rochelle¡¯s party, we waited around for almost an hour.¡± He says. ¡°If you hadn¡¯t noticed my car¡¯s dead. d to you were worried about me. Tell your girlfriend, I got lost or something, I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll believe that.¡± I say. I feel better. I know when we stop talking, the pit in my stom-ach wille back. ¡°She¡¯s not my girlfriend, but I noticed your battery and brought you something.¡± He says. ¡°It¡¯s temporary, so no road trips.¡± Jakeughs. He hands me a double A battery. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I shout. He says it back. ~~~~~ It only took a few minutes for my guilty conscious, and memo-ries toe back. My phone rings, it¡¯s work. ¡°Hey Alex, we¡¯re going to need you down in a few, your shifts in the next 15 minutes. Can youe in?¡± Even though I didn¡¯t have a running car, I was going to find a way to work. Too much quiet is bad for me. Adam lets Jake burrows his car, Jake still had to take me to work though. On our way there we stopped at an auto ce, so I could get a battery. ~~~~ Work wasn¡¯t super busy today, it¡¯s storm season. This means, people stay away from the coast. It¡¯s been like this for years. When three children drowned that day, the coast changed. A year after Timmy died, after the Bartley¡¯s split, I started training. It was my way of coping, my escape. I never wanted what happened to Timmy, and that little girl to happen to anyone else. Which is why, I¡¯m a lifeguard. Versa is beautiful, and a lot to take in. Yet, Versa is on the coast of Washington, which means it brings in heavy waves, and dangerous storms. When you¡¯re out in the water, you have to know what you¡¯re doing even on a sunny day. Even for lifeguards, it¡¯s a risk. No matter how hard you train, you have to remember. The waves always win. Since I started working at the coast, almost-three years ago, there hasn¡¯t been any fatal DNS¡¯s. I take my job very serious, and it hurts to know, that when I leave Versa, I also leave Versa Coast. It¡¯s the ce that I love the most. It¡¯s where I picked up my photog-raphy hobby. I take pictures of the water, of the birds, and life at Versa Coast. It¡¯s a dream job in my eyes, but I want to see more of the world. ~~~~ When my shift is over, I go to the changing tower. ¡°Why are you here?¡± I ask. ¡°You never texted back.¡± He says. He keeps looking at me. He keeps walking towards me. ¡°My car broke down.¡± I say. It sounds like a lie. ¡°You could have told me, I would¡¯ve picked you up.¡± Jeff steps forward, I step back. I hit the wall. We¡¯re inches from each other¡¯s face. ¡°We¡¯re really close.¡± I say. He backs away. ¡°What, did you follow me or something?¡± Iugh. ¡°What if I did?¡± He says. ¡°No, Jake told me you needed to get picked up from work.¡± His voice is soft. Fucking Jake. I stay quiet, he¡¯s waiting for me to say something to him, any-thing. I pretend to ignore him. I do this, so he¡¯d go away, deep down I didn¡¯t want him to. ¡°Come on Alex.¡± He says. He tries to touch my hair, but I move away. I watch him run his hands through his hair. He smiles through the anger I¡¯m causing him, I feel bad. He¡¯s about to leave, when I grab his hand. ¡°Jeff, we can¡¯t be anything.¡± I say. ¡°Why?¡± He asks. ¡°We just can¡¯t.¡± I say. ¡°Can we at least be friends?¡± He asks. ¡°You want to be my friend?¡± I smile. ¡°I think you''re cool.¡± He says. I look at him for too long, he gets shy and looks away. I wanted to y along to this, I wanted to give into Jeff¡¯s words. He was nice, and kind. He just popped into my life at the wrong time. He leans into me. Our hands are now inteced, the wall in my backbone. He¡¯s so close I can feel his warmth. He tries to touch my hair again, there¡¯s heavy silence. He¡¯s done this before, to other girls. I move his hand. He stays quiet. ¡°Why are you being so rude to me Alex?¡± He asks. ¡°Why me? Why do you like me?¡± I ask. ¡°Don¡¯t you know all about the Richards?¡± I ask. ¡°I know about your mom, I know about the Bartley¡¯s.¡± He says. That was enough for me. His words stabbed the shield I had built over the years. A few names are all I N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. have to hear, to crumble. I leave the tower, and call Adam. ~~~~~ It took no more than ten minutes for him to pick me up. When I got in the car, I could tell by the silence, that something had happened. The car ride was silent, Adam said one thing. He said Hayes was back home. Only then does the radio kick in and quiet my thoughts. WELCOME HOME HAYES ~~~~~ Chapter 13: 6I鈥檓 Sorry I Said No To Your Letter Chapter 13: 6I¡¯m Sorry I Said No To Your Letter Last night was a blur, I got lost in memories, secrets, and fears. There was only one person in my mind; Hayes. I wasn¡¯t even aware where I was, until a honk wakes me up. ¡°Alex! I see you slept well!¡± Jake shouts. ¡°Jake fucking stop with the noise.¡± I shout back. ¡°You slept in your car, Alex. You already lost in this argument.¡± Heughs. Still tucked into the seat, I hear Jake approach my car. He¡¯s dragging his feet on the pavement. ¡°What happened to you?¡± He asks. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, did it not rain yesterday Jake!?¡± I ask. ¡°What were you doing catching the raindrops on your face? You¡¯re wearing a jacket.¡± He says. ¡°Fucking screw you for not telling me Hayes was back. I called the cops.¡± I say. Jake covers his mouth. ¡°You called the cops?¡± Jakeughs. ¡°Yeah, I figured. Adam told me about that. Hey, did you know he¡¯s back, too?¡± He mocks. I stay silent. ¡°He told me off too, gave me shit. I swear, college life is making him deranged.¡± Heughs. Silence pours over us. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°Adam said I was being a ¡°fucking dick¡± about Hayes being back and everything. Sorry, I didn¡¯t tell you, Alex.¡± I nod at his apology. ¡°I finally found a ride to Rochelle¡¯s party, we waited around for almost an hour.¡± He says. ¡°If you hadn¡¯t noticed my car¡¯s dead. d to you were worried about me. Tell your girlfriend, I got lost or something, I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll believe that.¡± I say. I feel better. I know when we stop talking, the pit in my stom-ach wille back. ¡°She¡¯s not my girlfriend, but I noticed your battery and brought you something.¡± He says. ¡°It¡¯s temporary, so no road trips.¡± Jakeughs. He hands me a double A battery. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I shout. He says it back. ~~~~~ It only took a few minutes for my guilty conscious, and memo-ries toe back. My phone rings, it¡¯s work. ¡°Hey Alex, we¡¯re going to need you down in a few, your shifts in the next 15 minutes. Can youe in?¡± Even though I didn¡¯t have a running car, I was going to find a way to work. Too much quiet is bad for me. Adam lets Jake burrows his car, Jake still had to take me to work though. On our way there we stopped at an auto ce, so I could get a battery. ~~~~ Work wasn¡¯t super busy today, it¡¯s storm season. This means, people stay away from the coast. It¡¯s been like this for years. When three children drowned that day, the coast changed. A year after Timmy died, after the Bartley¡¯s split, I started training. It was my way of coping, my escape. I never wanted what happened to Timmy, and that little girl to happen to anyone else. Which is why, I¡¯m a lifeguard. Versa is beautiful, and a lot to take in. Yet, Versa is on the coast of Washington, which means it brings in heavy waves, and dangerous storms. When you¡¯re out in the water, you have to know what you¡¯re doing even on a sunny day. Even for lifeguards, it¡¯s a risk. No matter how hard you train, you have to remember. The waves always win. Since I started working at the coast, almost-three years ago, there hasn¡¯t been any fatal DNS¡¯s. I take my job very serious, and it hurts to know, that when I leave Versa, I also leave Versa Coast. It¡¯s the ce that I love the most. It¡¯s where I picked up my photog-raphy hobby. I take pictures of the water, of the birds, and life at Versa Coast. It¡¯s a dream job in my eyes, but I want to see more of the world. ~~~~ When my shift is over, I go to the changing tower. ¡°Why are you here?¡± I ask. ¡°You never texted back.¡± He says. He keeps looking at me. He keeps walking towards me. ¡°My car broke down.¡± I say. It sounds like a lie. ¡°You could have told me, I would¡¯ve picked you up.¡± Jeff steps forward, I step back. I hit the wall. We¡¯re inches from each other¡¯s face. ¡°We¡¯re really close.¡± I say. He backs away. ¡°What, did you follow me or something?¡± Iugh. ¡°What if I did?¡± He says. ¡°No, Jake told me you needed to get picked up from work.¡± His voice is soft. Fucking Jake. I stay quiet, he¡¯s waiting for me to say something to him, any-thing. I pretend to ignore him. I do this, so he¡¯d go away, deep down I didn¡¯t want him to. ¡°Come on Alex.¡± He says. He tries to touch my hair, but I move away. I watch him run his hands through his hair. He smiles through the anger I¡¯m causing him, I feel bad. He¡¯s about to leave, when I grab his hand. ¡°Jeff, we can¡¯t be anything.¡± I say. ¡°Why?¡± He asks. ¡°We just can¡¯t.¡± I say. ¡°Can we at least be friends?¡± He asks. ¡°You want to be my friend?¡± I smile. ¡°I think you''re cool.¡± He says. I look at him for too long, he gets shy and looks away. I wanted to y along to this, I wanted to give into Jeff¡¯s words. He was nice, and kind. He just popped into my life at the wrong time. He leans into me. Our hands are now inteced, the wall in my backbone. He¡¯s so close I can feel his warmth. He tries to touch my hair again, there¡¯s heavy silence. He¡¯s done this before, to other girls. I move his hand. He stays quiet. ¡°Why are you being so rude to me Alex?¡± He asks. ¡°Why me? Why do you like me?¡± I ask. ¡°Don¡¯t you know all about the Richards?¡± I ask. ¡°I know about your mom, I know about the Bartley¡¯s.¡± He says. That was enough for me. His words stabbed the shield I had built over the years. A few names are all I have to hear, to crumble. I leave the tower, and call Adam. ~~~~~ It took no more than ten minutes for him to pick me up. When I got in the car, I could tell by the silence, that something had happened. The car ride was silent, Adam said one thing. He said Hayes was back home. Only then does the radio kick in and quiet my thoughts. WELCOME HOME HAYES ~~~~~ Chapter 14: 7Hayes Chapter 14: 7Hayes As soon as we turn down our street, I could see Hayes. He¡¯s taking in boxes from his car. He¡¯s wearing the same hoodie from yesterday. We finally make it into the driveway, when Adam turns to me and says. Apologize. It was faint. There was coldness, and chills in his voice. I rest against Adam¡¯s car for a while, watching Hayes from a dis-tance. Not once does he look at me, he just takes in his boxes. He has a few boxes left. I could just wait a little longer, and not say anything. Watching him anchors me, but I still feel scared. I¡¯m dragging my feet on the wet pavement as I get closer and closer to him. Now, I¡¯m behind Hayes, waiting for him to notice me. The anticipa-tion scares me, my heart¡¯s pounding. I try to deepen each breath, still tensed. So many thoughts are going through my mind right now, too many. Now, he¡¯s in his trunk fiddling with another box. When he shuts his trunk, he passes me. I call after him, but my voice is faint, it¡¯s weak. He¡¯s getting closer to his front door. If I don¡¯t say anything now, he¡¯ll go inside, and I won¡¯t follow. It wasn¡¯t too loud of a yell. It startled him enough to drop the box he was carrying though. ¡°Sorry.¡± I mumble. My eyes start to water. I¡¯m scared to look at him in the eyes. His strong tan highlights his freckles. His dark curly hair is now tied up. Our eyes meet, he smiles at me. Everything inside breathes again, I¡¯m warm, just by his smile. ¡°Little Richards.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Hi Hayes.¡± I say, it sounds like a whisper. ¡°Why are you whispering?¡± He asks. His voice is low, he¡¯s now whispering. I smile. There¡¯s quiet, only the stuff being thrown in the box has sound. I wipe my eyes. ¡°You came back.¡± I say. ¡°As promised.¡± He says. I want to hug him, but he doesn¡¯t say anything else. He smiles, then stops. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry about calling the cops I thought you were someone else. Sorry about this, too. I¡¯m such a fucking bad person.¡± I stutter. I keep clearing my throat. ¡°No, you¡¯re not. Don¡¯t worry about it, Little Richards.¡± He says. He smiles at me again, I feel better. I want him to talk to me more. ¡°I haven¡¯t seen you in a while, you look different. You look good.¡± I say. ¡°Yeah, you too. d to see you healthy.¡± He says. I scrunch my hair. ¡°Yep, all better now.¡± I look down. ¡°As promised.¡± He says. ¡°As promised.¡± I say. My throat is hoarse. ¡°You cut your hair.¡± He says. ¡°Yep.¡± I mumble. He touches a strand, I get chills. There¡¯s no hiding the feeling I showed. ¡°Your freckles got darker.¡± I mumble. I touch his cheek. ¡°Hawaii¡¯s treating me good, college is college. I missed Versa though.¡± He says. I nod. Hayes picks up the box. I only follow his eyes, waiting for him to say more. I haven¡¯t heard his voice in years, it was raspy, warm. Warm-er than before. ¡°Well, I¡¯m d you¡¯re back.¡± I say. He clenches his jaw. ¡°Jake, Adam, and Jack. We¡¯re all happy your back.¡± I say. ¡°Yeah. Okay.¡± He says. ¡°What, you don¡¯t believe me?¡± I ask. He smiles. ¡°No, I do. Just had toe all the way from Hawaii for you to talk to me again in 3 years.¡± He says. I didn¡¯t have an excuse for this one. I had a secret. I wasn¡¯t ready for it toe out right now. I stay quiet. I get a text. Emergency get your ass over here now! -Rochelle ¡°How¡¯s your dad, Hayes?¡± I ask, quickly regretting my question. Hayes tensed up when I asked this question. ¡°Alright. He¡¯s doing alright.¡± He says. I could tell it was a lie. I didn¡¯t want to pry at such a topic, I would never. ¡°I have to put the rest of these boxes in the house. I¡¯ll see youter okay?¡± He says. ¡°I can help.¡± I say. Hayes shuts down my offer, and heads inside. I¡¯m now in my driveway, and Adam is there, under my car hood. He hears meing, and clich¨¦ly closes the hood. Only to pose like a 50¡¯s auto worker. ¡°See what happens when you are kind?¡± He asks. ¡°You fixed my car?¡± I ask him. ¡°Nope. I didn¡¯t change your battery or change your oil, either.¡± He smiles. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°You okay?¡± Adam asks. ¡°Yep.¡± I lie. ¡°Rochelle needs me.¡± I say. I just wanted to get away. If Adam only knew what really ¡°happens when your kind¡±, your heart gets broken again by three words ¡°You¡¯ve done enough¡±. ¡°All done.¡± He says. ¡°Alex, I¡¯m sorry if I was a little harsh. Haye¡¯s, he¡¯s been through a lot. He¡¯s lost a lot, you know?¡± He says. ¡°So have we, Adam.¡± I say. All it took was me to mention his father, and he gets pissed at me. I could take this though, as long as he doesn¡¯t hate me. If he knew all the lies, and secrets I kept from him. Well, he¡¯d hate me, forever, and I never wanted Hayes to hate me. He should hate me already. I didn¡¯t want there to be a Jeff and Alex. I didn¡¯t want that because I felt something for Hayes. I still feel it. Now that he¡¯s back, I can either hide them, or confront him with it. No more secrets beyond this point. ~~~~~ I take a quick shower, change and head to my car. Before I leave the garage, Adam and Hayes are talking next door. I can see them through the small lines in the fence. ¡°Can a married man score in a game of 2 on 2?¡± Adamughs, Hayes follows. ¡°Hey enough with that.¡± Hayes jokes. ¡°Ind girls are the best.¡± Adamughs. Hayes doesn¡¯t say any-thing. I get into my car and start it. ¡°Damn, 3 long fucking years, congrattions. d to have you back man.¡± Adam says. I¡¯m now in tears. I st my music and drive off. He was with someone else. This fucking hurt, more than anyone could imagine. Chapter 15: 7Hayes Chapter 15: 7Hayes As soon as we turn down our street, I could see Hayes. He¡¯s taking in boxes from his car. He¡¯s wearing the same hoodie from yesterday. We finally make it into the driveway, when Adam turns to me and says. Apologize. It was faint. There was coldness, and chills in his voice. I rest against Adam¡¯s car for a while, watching Hayes from a dis-tance. Not once does he look at me, he just takes in his boxes. He has a few boxes left. I could just wait a little longer, and not say anything. Watching him anchors me, but I still feel scared. I¡¯m dragging my feet on the wet pavement as I get closer and closer to him. Now, I¡¯m behind Hayes, waiting for him to notice me. The anticipa-tion scares me, my heart¡¯s pounding. I try to deepen each breath, still tensed. So many thoughts are going through my mind right now, too many. Now, he¡¯s in his trunk fiddling with another box. When he shuts his trunk, he passes me. I call after him, but my voice is faint, it¡¯s weak. He¡¯s getting closer to his front door. If I don¡¯t say anything now, he¡¯ll go inside, and I won¡¯t follow. It wasn¡¯t too loud of a yell. It startled him enough to drop the box he was carrying though. ¡°Sorry.¡± I mumble. My eyes start to water. I¡¯m scared to look at him in the eyes. His strong tan highlights his freckles. His dark curly hair is now tied up. Our eyes meet, he smiles at me. Everything inside breathes again, I¡¯m warm, just by his smile. ¡°Little Richards.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Hi Hayes.¡± I say, it sounds like a whisper. ¡°Why are you whispering?¡± He asks. His voice is low, he¡¯s now whispering. I smile. There¡¯s quiet, only the stuff being thrown in the box has sound. I wipe my eyes. ¡°You came back.¡± I say. ¡°As promised.¡± He says. I want to hug him, but he doesn¡¯t say anything else. He smiles, then stops. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry about calling the cops I thought you were someone else. Sorry about this, too. I¡¯m such a fucking bad person.¡± I stutter. I keep clearing my throat. ¡°No, you¡¯re not. Don¡¯t worry about it, Little Richards.¡± He says. He smiles at me again, I feel better. I want him to talk to me more. ¡°I haven¡¯t seen you in a while, you look different. You look good.¡± I say. ¡°Yeah, you too. d to see you healthy.¡± He says. I scrunch my hair. ¡°Yep, all better now.¡± I look down. ¡°As promised.¡± He says. ¡°As promised.¡± I say. My throat is hoarse. ¡°You cut your hair.¡± He says. ¡°Yep.¡± I mumble. He touches a strand, I get chills. There¡¯s no hiding the feeling I showed. ¡°Your freckles got darker.¡± I mumble. I touch his cheek. ¡°Hawaii¡¯s treating me good, college is college. I missed Versa though.¡± He says. I nod. Hayes picks up the box. I only follow his eyes, waiting for him to say more. I haven¡¯t heard his voice in years, it was raspy, warm. Warm-er than before. ¡°Well, I¡¯m d you¡¯re back.¡± I say. He clenches his jaw. ¡°Jake, Adam, and Jack. We¡¯re all happy your back.¡± I say. ¡°Yeah. Okay.¡± He says. ¡°What, you don¡¯t believe me?¡± I ask. He smiles. ¡°No, I do. Just had toe all the way from Hawaii for you to talk to me again in 3 years.¡± He says. I didn¡¯t have an excuse for this one. I had a secret. I wasn¡¯t ready for it toe out right now. I stay quiet. I get a text. Emergency get your ass over here now! -Rochelle ¡°How¡¯s your dad, Hayes?¡± I ask, quickly regretting my question. Hayes tensed up when I asked this question. ¡°Alright. He¡¯s doing alright.¡± He says. I could tell it was a lie. I didn¡¯t want to pry at such a topic, I would never. ¡°I have to put the rest of these boxes in the house. I¡¯ll see youter okay?¡± He says. ¡°I can help.¡± I say. Hayes shuts down my offer, and heads inside. I¡¯m now in my driveway, and Adam is there, under my car hood. He hears meing, and clich¨¦ly closes the hood. Only to pose like a 50¡¯s auto worker. ¡°See what happens when you are kind?¡± He asks. ¡°You fixed my car?¡± I ask him. ¡°Nope. I didn¡¯t change your battery or change your oil, either.¡± He smiles. ¡°You okay?¡± Adam asks. ¡°Yep.¡± I lie. ¡°Rochelle needs me.¡± I say. I just wanted to get away. If Adam only knew what really ¡°happens when your kind¡±, your heart gets broken again by three words Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. ¡°You¡¯ve done enough¡±. ¡°All done.¡± He says. ¡°Alex, I¡¯m sorry if I was a little harsh. Haye¡¯s, he¡¯s been through a lot. He¡¯s lost a lot, you know?¡± He says. ¡°So have we, Adam.¡± I say. All it took was me to mention his father, and he gets pissed at me. I could take this though, as long as he doesn¡¯t hate me. If he knew all the lies, and secrets I kept from him. Well, he¡¯d hate me, forever, and I never wanted Hayes to hate me. He should hate me already. I didn¡¯t want there to be a Jeff and Alex. I didn¡¯t want that because I felt something for Hayes. I still feel it. Now that he¡¯s back, I can either hide them, or confront him with it. No more secrets beyond this point. ~~~~~ I take a quick shower, change and head to my car. Before I leave the garage, Adam and Hayes are talking next door. I can see them through the small lines in the fence. ¡°Can a married man score in a game of 2 on 2?¡± Adamughs, Hayes follows. ¡°Hey enough with that.¡± Hayes jokes. ¡°Ind girls are the best.¡± Adamughs. Hayes doesn¡¯t say any-thing. I get into my car and start it. ¡°Damn, 3 long fucking years, congrattions. d to have you back man.¡± Adam says. I¡¯m now in tears. I st my music and drive off. He was with someone else. This fucking hurt, more than anyone could imagine. Chapter 16: 8I鈥檓 Sorry For My Mistakes Chapter 16: 8I¡¯m Sorry For My Mistakes ¡°You know how I set you and Jeff up, the other day?¡± Rochelle asks. She¡¯s pacing in her living room. Her slippers are pping the course rug. ¡°Yeah, he probably fucking hates me now.¡± I mumble, forcing ice cream down my throat. The cold calmed the pit, and the tears. ¡°Why would Jeff fucking hate you? You know what, never mind. We¡¯re talking about this douche who stood me up.¡± I nod at Rochelle¡¯sment. ¡°I was hoping this guy would show, and we could get together while you¡¯re with Jeff.¡± She says. ¡°Hey! You just set us up, to get rid of me?¡± I ask her. My face turned red, I look away when I think about what I said to Jeff. ¡°Yes.¡± She says. ¡°You¡¯re not actually mad about that, are you Al?¡± She asks. I squeeze my sleeves, from the cold and stay silent. Rochelle looks sad. ¡°I really liked him Al. I guess he just sees me as this little girl, still.¡± She smiles, even though I could tell she was hurt. ¡°So, he bailed?¡± I ask her. ¡°Yep. I¡¯ve called him like, 10 times already.¡± She sighs. ¡°What was his name, he¡¯s in college right? Adam might know him.¡± I ask. She looks away. I knew this look. She was hiding something, I shouldn¡¯t pry. She¡¯s more honest than me. I¡¯m a liar, I keep too many secrets. ¡°Rochelle, do I know him?!¡± I pry. Her phone chimes. She squeals at the message. ¡°It¡¯s him!¡± She cheers. ¡°What did he say?¡± I ask. ¡°He¡¯s outside¡± She races out the front door. I go back to the ice cream, calming the pit. Hayes stresses me out, knowing everything, makes me worry. Knowing everything makes me sad, ache, it makes me sick. I put the ice cream away and clean up. The quiet was back, so was the pit. Rochellees back inside, she¡¯s running towards me. Before ei-ther of us can get a word out, she gives me a hug. I feel her warmth, her happiness, I needed this. ¡°I¡¯ll go.¡± I say. ¡°He¡¯s going to get some snacks, so we can watch a movie. I want you to stay Al.¡± She says. As we¡¯re hugging, I begin to cry. ¡°What¡¯s wrong Alex?¡± She asks me. I let go and sit on the couch. My face is red, it¡¯s beating. ¡°I¡¯m not okay right now. I just feel like I¡¯m ruining everything for you, for everyone.¡± I cry. ¡°Why would you say that?¡± Rochelle asks. She sits right next to me. ¡°Hayes is back.¡± I say. Rochelle stands up. ¡°There is too much shit to re-live. I can¡¯t be around him without, without feeling like it¡¯s my fault.¡± I say. My hands are shaking now. I scrunch my hair, and pick at my nails to calm down. Nothing¡¯s working. I¡¯m scared. ¡°Your fault for what?¡± She asks. ¡°For everything that happened. He hates me too.¡± I say. ¡°Alex, I¡¯m sure he doesn¡¯t hate you.¡± She says. ¡°There are things that happened, with the Bartley¡¯s and Richards. Rochelle, some of those things you hear, they¡¯re true. Some of the truths, are worse than the lies, some things about me. You don¡¯t know everything.¡± I mumble. Tears fall. ¡°Al, what are you talking about?¡± She asks. ¡°I¡¯m a mess, because Hayes is with someone.¡± I say to her. ¡°Why would you care Alex, if he¡¯s with someone?¡± She asks me. I look at my feet. Was I ready for a secret toe out? ¡°I don¡¯t know. I shouldn¡¯t.¡± I say. ¡°Did he tell you?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°No. I heard Adam say it. He¡¯s been with her for years, she¡¯s from Hawaii.¡± I cry. ¡°He never told me this, ever. He¡¯s supposed to be my best friend. It¡¯s my fault for that too¡± I say. My head is buried in my hands. I can¡¯t look at Rochelle anymore, I¡¯m too afraid of what¡¯s about toe out of my mouth. Content rights belong to N?velDrama.Org. ¡°Rochelle. I did something, really bad¡± The doorbell rings ~~~~ We sit in silence ¡°I¡¯m going to use the bathroom; can you get the door?¡± She asks. I stand up and wipe my face one more time. ¡°Coming¡± I open the door. It¡¯s Hayes. He¡¯s standing in the doorway with a bag of chips, and candy. I cov-er my mouth. I rush outside and throw up the ice cream, right on Rochelle¡¯s frontwn. ¡°What the fuck!¡± I yell. Chapter 17: 9I鈥檓 Sorry Timmy鈥檚 Gone Chapter 17: 9I¡¯m Sorry Timmy¡¯s Gone ¡°Hayes!¡± Rochelle yells. She¡¯s stomping on her frontwn, towards us. Hayes is standing next to me, repeatedly asking. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine Hayes.¡± I wasn¡¯t fine. I¡¯m not fine. When I¡¯m done, the air was unpleasant. Not just because of the barf, but the heavy secrets, lies, and silence drowning us. Rochelle was now by my side, giving Hayes stink eyes. Hayes was staring at me, and I was on the verge of round 2. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. When Rochelle doesn¡¯t say anything, and we are both looking at Hayes, he gets up tight. ¡°Come on, what¡¯s going on?¡± He sounds innocent. I could tell you what¡¯s going on. Hayes was with Rochelle, and someone else at the same time. I don¡¯t know, which hurt more. At least I wasn¡¯t alone anymore in this. I could tell by Rochelle¡¯s face, that she¡¯s pissed. More hurt, then anything though. ¡°Hayes, this is Alex. Our childhood best friend. Alex, this is Hayes, the guy who bailed on me yesterday.¡± Sheughs. ¡°Yeah, sorry about that. Family trouble.¡± He says. Each time he spoke I felt warm, and safe. The tears areing, and I feel even worse than before. Yet, just seeing Hayes, somehow makes me better. ¡°Just like old times.¡± Rochelle mocks. ¡°Is this a bad time?¡± Hayes asks. ¡°Of course not. Why would you think that?¡± She offensively asks. ¡°I just wanted Alex to know how all of ¡°this¡± happened.¡± Ro-chelle tries to smile, but I could tell she was about to cry. ¡°I was at the cafe, on Coast Drive and you wouldn¡¯t believe who was there talking to some girl?¡± She says. ¡°Rochelle.¡± I say. I try to stop what¡¯s about to happen. I try to take her inside, but she keeps going. ¡°Then it hits me, it¡¯s Hayes, but this can¡¯t be Hayes. The whole town thought the Bartley men were nevering back.¡± Anger rolls off her tongue. ¡°Then again, they¡¯re never loyal.¡± She says. I watch Hayes¡¯s reaction. Every few seconds he turns to me. He¡¯s mad. ¡°We get to talking. We reminisce, talk about you Alex. I flirt a little, we exchange numbers.¡± She says. I really want to leave, get into my car, drive away and nev-ere back. ¡°Minutester we make out in his car, then he gives me a ride home. So fucking romantic.¡± She spites. ¡°Isn¡¯t that romantic, Hayes?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°Rochelle, what¡¯s wrong?¡± Hayes asks. He looks at me. ¡°Alex, what did you do?¡± He turns to me. ¡°What did I do?! Are you fucking kidding me?!¡± I cry. ¡°What did you tell her?¡± He asks. He is close to me, his words hurt, they burn my throat and chills ride my back. ¡°Hey! This has nothing to do with Alex!¡± Rochelle says. ¡°Then why is she here?! Why did you want her here?! Why are you acting like this?¡± He asks. ¡°I¡¯m leaving. Alex is a liar, Rochelle. I¡¯m sure whatever she said, was a lie.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Are you with someone else?!¡± Rochelle asks. I watch the first tear fall on Rochelle¡¯s cheek. I grab my pulsing throat. ¡°The one person, the one person who was there for you when you came back! We talked every day Hayes, and you didn¡¯t tell me?¡± She begins to cry. I hug her. ¡°This is fucking insane. What are you talking about Rochelle?¡± Hayes huffs. He won¡¯t stop looking at me. Rochelle lets go of me and ps Hayes. ¡°You¡¯re such a millennial dick!¡± She screams. ¡°You know how you said you were nevering back to Versa. Maybe you should just leave again, and this time stay gone. Fuck you, we¡¯re done!¡± She shouts. Rochelle pushes him, before going inside, and mming her front door. It is now just Hayes and me. ¡°How could you?!¡± I shout. I follow behind him, he¡¯s now at his car, ignoring me. ¡°Hayes!¡± I yell. He finally looks at me. ¡°Stay away from me Richards!¡± He shouts. Everything inside of me tenses. ¡°My best friend.¡± I mumble. ¡°So, what.¡± He says. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I cry. ¡°Fuck you for ignoring me for years, and then when Ie back you be apulsive liar. A liar with the most dirt than any-one.¡± He¡¯s standing over me, looking down as he speaks. I back away, crossing my arms. Why would he say that? ¡°Now I¡¯m with someone else? Are you jealous?¡± he asks. I can¡¯t be jealous. I can¡¯t feel anything for him, I shouldn¡¯t. ¡°Fuck you.¡± I mumble. ¡°Why did you just ignore me for years Alex? You had years to call, why didn¡¯t you?¡± He asks. ¡°I couldn¡¯t Hayes.¡± I stutter. I can¡¯t breathe. ¡°Why not?¡± He asks. I stay silent. Because, it¡¯s a secret. I feel cold now. I want to cry. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I cry. ¡°I¡¯m sorry too, Little Richards.¡± He says. He leans in for a hug, but I¡¯m frozen. I can¡¯t move, I can¡¯t speak. He hugs me, and I cry again. This was all too much. I let go of him. He looks at me, in pain. ¡°The girl from Hawaii, are you with her too?¡± I ask. I want him to say no. I didn¡¯t want him to be with anyone. ¡°No, Little Richards.¡± He says. Now he¡¯s silent, he looks sad. We stand in silence, face to face. That was it. He said nothing else. He just got into his car and drove away. I hug myself, to try and stop the tears. I wipe the tears on my pants. Then throw up the rest of the ice cream. Chapter 18: 9I鈥檓 Sorry Timmy鈥檚 Gone Chapter 18: 9I¡¯m Sorry Timmy¡¯s Gone ¡°Hayes!¡± Rochelle yells. She¡¯s stomping on her frontwn, towards us. Hayes is standing next to me, repeatedly asking. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine Hayes.¡± I wasn¡¯t fine. I¡¯m not fine. When I¡¯m done, the air was unpleasant. Not just because of the barf, but the heavy secrets, lies, and silence drowning us. Rochelle was now by my side, giving Hayes stink eyes. Hayes was staring at me, and I was on the verge of round 2. When Rochelle doesn¡¯t say anything, and we are both looking at Hayes, he gets up tight. ¡°Come on, what¡¯s going on?¡± He sounds innocent. I could tell you what¡¯s going on. Hayes was with Rochelle, and someone else at the same time. I don¡¯t know, which hurt more. At least I wasn¡¯t alone anymore in this. I could tell by Rochelle¡¯s face, that she¡¯s pissed. More hurt, then anything though. ¡°Hayes, this is Alex. Our childhood best friend. Alex, this is Hayes, the guy who bailed on me yesterday.¡± Sheughs. ¡°Yeah, sorry about that. Family trouble.¡± He says. Each time he spoke I felt warm, and safe. The tears areing, and I feel even worse than before. Yet, just seeing Hayes, somehow makes me better. ¡°Just like old times.¡± Rochelle mocks. ¡°Is this a bad time?¡± Hayes asks. ¡°Of course not. Why would you think that?¡± She offensively asks. ¡°I just wanted Alex to know how all of ¡°this¡± happened.¡± Ro-chelle tries to smile, but I could tell she was about to cry. ¡°I was at the cafe, on Coast Drive and you wouldn¡¯t believe who was there talking to some girl?¡± She says. ¡°Rochelle.¡± I say. I try to stop what¡¯s about to happen. I try to take her inside, but she keeps going. ¡°Then it hits me, it¡¯s Hayes, but this can¡¯t be Hayes. The whole town thought the Bartley men were nevering back.¡± Anger rolls off her tongue. ¡°Then again, they¡¯re never loyal.¡± She says. I watch Hayes¡¯s reaction. Every few seconds he turns to me. He¡¯s mad. ¡°We get to talking. We reminisce, talk about you Alex. I flirt a little, we exchange numbers.¡± She says. I really want to leave, get into my car, drive away and nev-ere back. ¡°Minutester we make out in his car, then he gives me a ride home. So fucking romantic.¡± She spites. ¡°Isn¡¯t that romantic, Hayes?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°Rochelle, what¡¯s wrong?¡± Hayes asks. He looks at me. ¡°Alex, what did you do?¡± He turns to me. ¡°What did I do?! Are you fucking kidding me?!¡± I cry. ¡°What did you tell her?¡± He asks. He is close to me, his words hurt, they burn my throat and chills ride my back. ¡°Hey! This has nothing to do with Alex!¡± Rochelle says. ¡°Then why is she here?! Why did you want her here?! Why are you acting like this?¡± He asks. ¡°I¡¯m leaving. Alex is a liar, Rochelle. I¡¯m sure whatever she said, was a lie.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Are you with someone else?!¡± Rochelle asks. I watch the first tear fall on Rochelle¡¯s cheek. I grab my pulsing throat. ¡°The one person, the one person who was there for you when you came back! We talked every day Hayes, and you didn¡¯t tell me?¡± She begins to cry. I hug her. ¡°This is fucking insane. What are you talking about Rochelle?¡± Hayes huffs. He won¡¯t stop looking at me. Rochelle lets go of me and ps Hayes. ¡°You¡¯re such a millennial dick!¡± She screams. ¡°You know how you said you were nevering back to Versa. Maybe you should just leave again, and this time stay gone. Fuck you, we¡¯re done!¡± She shouts. Rochelle pushes him, before going inside, and mming her front door. It is now just Hayes and me. ¡°How could you?!¡± I shout. I follow behind him, he¡¯s now at his car, ignoring me. ¡°Hayes!¡± I yell. He finally looks at me. ¡°Stay away from me Richards!¡± He shouts. Everything inside of me tenses. ¡°My best friend.¡± I mumble. ¡°So, what.¡± He says. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I cry. ¡°Fuck you for ignoring me for years, and then when Ie back you be apulsive liar. A liar with the most dirt than any-one.¡± He¡¯s standing over me, looking down as he speaks. I back away, crossing my arms. Why would he say that? ¡°Now I¡¯m with someone else? Are you jealous?¡± he asks. I can¡¯t be jealous. I can¡¯t feel anything for him, I shouldn¡¯t. ¡°Fuck you.¡± I mumble. ¡°Why did you just ignore me for years Alex? You had years to call, why didn¡¯t you?¡± He asks. ¡°I couldn¡¯t Hayes.¡± I stutter. I can¡¯t breathe. ¡°Why not?¡± He asks. I stay silent. Because, it¡¯s a secret. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. I feel cold now. I want to cry. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I cry. ¡°I¡¯m sorry too, Little Richards.¡± He says. He leans in for a hug, but I¡¯m frozen. I can¡¯t move, I can¡¯t speak. He hugs me, and I cry again. This was all too much. I let go of him. He looks at me, in pain. ¡°The girl from Hawaii, are you with her too?¡± I ask. I want him to say no. I didn¡¯t want him to be with anyone. ¡°No, Little Richards.¡± He says. Now he¡¯s silent, he looks sad. We stand in silence, face to face. That was it. He said nothing else. He just got into his car and drove away. I hug myself, to try and stop the tears. I wipe the tears on my pants. Then throw up the rest of the ice cream. Chapter 19: 10I鈥檓 Sorry Your Moving Away Chapter 19: 10I¡¯m Sorry Your Moving Away Before more ¡°lies¡±, or ¡°truths¡±e out, I decide to head home. After what Hayes said, I felt even worse. I do have a lot of secrets. The ride home reminded me of all the unwanted dirt, and secrets I have buried. When I pull into our driveway, Jake¡¯s right there. I¡¯m reminded again of. Another secret He¡¯s sting music, from his car. When I pull into the garage, he starts tough. I get out of my car and m my door. ¡°Screw off Jake before I tell Rochelle you¡¯re obsessed with her.¡± I say. For the rest of the weekend I avoid everyone and stay in my room. It was just me, and ice cream. ~~~~~~ I knew what waited for me at school. I knew I had work. I knew Rochelle was going to be pissed all day. I knew Jeff was going to look down at me for how I treated him the other day. I didn¡¯t want that, not today. I couldn¡¯t handle it. I decided to ditch, I¡¯m a senior. It was my right to ditch, right? I¡¯ve never done it before alone, but I needed time away. For the day, I drive around town, and take photos. It took my mind off things enough, for me to breathe. Enough for me to, catch my breath. However, doing so, I start to notice a bad habit creep its way back into my life. Before I could subside it, I drive back home. It was an hour be-fore school got out. I thought I¡¯d be home alone. As soon as I open the back door there, there¡¯s Adam, the scowl-er that could. ~~~~~~ ¡°First you call the cops on Hayes. Now you think he¡¯s cheating. Alex what, why are you doing this? Are you trying to ruin his life?¡± He onlyughs. ¡°I heard you say it Adam. What is this a game or something?¡± I ask. ¡°So, you were eavesdropping too? Are you fucking stalking Hayes now, or something?¡± He asks. ¡°Ha. No. I just overheard.¡± I say. ¡°So, you were eavesdropping.¡± He states. Adam sighs, he seems more uptight than me. He worries me. He purposely avoids looking at her room. ¡°Adam, are you okay?¡± I ask. He ignores me. The room goes silent. I look at her bedroom door. ¡°Listen Alex, you have to leave him alone with all of this. I know when he left, you took it badly.¡± He says. He was going into a sensitive ce. A ce where, I keep my secrets. I bite down on my lip. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°Adam, just stop!¡± I shout. ¡°Back in Hawaii, Hayes was in a rtionship.¡± Adam says. He was hurt by his own words. ¡°Did he love her?¡± I ask him. I want to know so badly, it hurts. I didn¡¯t want to hear it from Ad-am though. ¡°I can¡¯t talk about it, okay? They were together for a long time, and split before he came back to Versa. That¡¯s all you need to know.¡± He says. I get chills. I want to cry from the truth. ¡°It¡¯s just a thing we say, or I say. He actually hates when I joke about it. He kicked my ass in basketball, after that.¡± Adam smiles. ¡°You just eavesdropped, at the wrong time.¡± Adamughs. ¡°I didn¡¯t eavesdrop.¡± I mumble. Adam¡¯s phone lights up. Hey Adam, can you make sure Alex doesn¡¯t stop by. -Hayes Another day I stay stocked in my room. Thanks Hayes. Chapter 20: 10I鈥檓 Sorry Your Moving Away Chapter 20: 10I¡¯m Sorry Your Moving Away Before more ¡°lies¡±, or ¡°truths¡±e out, I decide to head home. After what Hayes said, I felt even worse. I do have a lot of secrets. The ride home reminded me of all the unwanted dirt, and secrets I have buried. When I pull into our driveway, Jake¡¯s right there. I¡¯m reminded again of. Another secret He¡¯s sting music, from his car. When I pull into the garage, he starts tough. I get out of my car and m my door. ¡°Screw off Jake before I tell Rochelle you¡¯re obsessed with her.¡± I say. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. For the rest of the weekend I avoid everyone and stay in my room. It was just me, and ice cream. ~~~~~~ I knew what waited for me at school. I knew I had work. I knew Rochelle was going to be pissed all day. I knew Jeff was going to look down at me for how I treated him the other day. I didn¡¯t want that, not today. I couldn¡¯t handle it. I decided to ditch, I¡¯m a senior. It was my right to ditch, right? I¡¯ve never done it before alone, but I needed time away. For the day, I drive around town, and take photos. It took my mind off things enough, for me to breathe. Enough for me to, catch my breath. However, doing so, I start to notice a bad habit creep its way back into my life. Before I could subside it, I drive back home. It was an hour be-fore school got out. I thought I¡¯d be home alone. As soon as I open the back door there, there¡¯s Adam, the scowl-er that could. ~~~~~~ ¡°First you call the cops on Hayes. Now you think he¡¯s cheating. Alex what, why are you doing this? Are you trying to ruin his life?¡± He onlyughs. ¡°I heard you say it Adam. What is this a game or something?¡± I ask. ¡°So, you were eavesdropping too? Are you fucking stalking Hayes now, or something?¡± He asks. ¡°Ha. No. I just overheard.¡± I say. ¡°So, you were eavesdropping.¡± He states. Adam sighs, he seems more uptight than me. He worries me. He purposely avoids looking at her room. ¡°Adam, are you okay?¡± I ask. He ignores me. The room goes silent. I look at her bedroom door. ¡°Listen Alex, you have to leave him alone with all of this. I know when he left, you took it badly.¡± He says. He was going into a sensitive ce. A ce where, I keep my secrets. I bite down on my lip. ¡°Adam, just stop!¡± I shout. ¡°Back in Hawaii, Hayes was in a rtionship.¡± Adam says. He was hurt by his own words. ¡°Did he love her?¡± I ask him. I want to know so badly, it hurts. I didn¡¯t want to hear it from Ad-am though. ¡°I can¡¯t talk about it, okay? They were together for a long time, and split before he came back to Versa. That¡¯s all you need to know.¡± He says. I get chills. I want to cry from the truth. ¡°It¡¯s just a thing we say, or I say. He actually hates when I joke about it. He kicked my ass in basketball, after that.¡± Adam smiles. ¡°You just eavesdropped, at the wrong time.¡± Adamughs. ¡°I didn¡¯t eavesdrop.¡± I mumble. Adam¡¯s phone lights up. Hey Adam, can you make sure Alex doesn¡¯t stop by. -Hayes Another day I stay stocked in my room. Thanks Hayes. Chapter 21: 11I鈥檒l Miss You So Much Chapter 21: 11I¡¯ll Miss You So Much It was now the end of the week, and Friday came quicker than expected. For the whole week I ditched every ss except photography, and instead did extra shifts at the Coast. It was starting again, I¡¯m losing myself, and the memories wereing back. ~~~~~ It was about 5 months after Hayes, and his father had moved away. No one knew where they went, we all thought they woulde back. Months passed when we got the news that they moved to Hawaii. The news hit everyone hard. It got to my mother the most. She started getting depressed, still wouldn¡¯t let go of Mr. Bart-ley though. I think it fueled her, fueled her long enough to keep her breathing. Even if he didn¡¯t feel the same way. She¡¯d secretly call him every day. Even if that meant calling around and asking for him. He changed his numbers, not us. I think deep down she knew the truth. A year has passed without them, and my mother is now a smoker. She lives in her room, and barely eats. She is hurt, she feels abandoned by Mr. Bartley. Most nights I hear her crying. It¡¯s bad. Maybe things went south, maybe Mr. Bartley and my mother had nned another life. Another life, just the two of them. Would she have left us behind? ~~~~ It¡¯s a Friday afternoon, and I¡¯m eating a popsicle while sitting on my car. Something hits me right in the face. ¡°Alex, throw the ball back over!¡± Adam shouts. I watch the ball that hit me, bounce on the pavement. The rhythm of the ball matched my pulsing nose. I get off the car, holding my nose, in fear it might be broken. I grab the ball and walk next door. I haven¡¯t been over Hayes¡¯s in years. Thankfully, it was just in the garage. This was still much; the secrets won¡¯t swallow me whole though. It was Hayes, and my brother, they were in a middle of a game. Hayes¡¯s hair was hanging over his face, he was drenched in sweat, and he was shirtless. I could see the scars. ¡°You could¡¯ve just thrown it over.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Oh, you¡¯re talking to me now, that¡¯s great.¡± I mumble. He ig-nores me. ¡°That ball hit me in the face, you¡¯re missing a few more words.¡± I say. ¡°Your brother threw that ball.¡± He says, they bothugh. ¡°Well then, you both suck!¡± I say, then throw the ball at Adam. ¡°What the hell Alex! Hey, if you¡¯re going to be like this, Jeff can¡¯te to the party.¡± Adamughs. ¡°How do you know about Jeff?¡± I ask him. ¡°Who¡¯s Jeff?¡± Hayes asks. ¡°What party?¡± I ask. My phone chimes. What time does the party @ your house start? -Rochelle ¡°Hayes needs a wee back party and needs to meet some of my college peeps. Guess whose house is hosting?¡± Adam hoots. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. My nose starts to bleed. Adam tries to apologize. ¡°It¡¯s fine. I totally deserve this anyways, right?¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m fine, just leave me alone.¡± I say I rush back to the house, grab a kitchen towel, and some ice. My hands were shaking now, I try to breathe. I¡¯m one to fear blood when I see it, it scares me. ~~~~~ Once the bleeding stopped, I took a cold shower, and put on some-thing decent. Which for me meant, red pants that covered my slip-pers. Followed by a crop top that said I HATE YOU in bold letters. The top is covered by my red windbreaker, from work. I¡¯m feet¡¯s away from the kitchen when I hear Rochelle giggling, andughing. In the kitchen I see her, and Hayes making out, hands all over each other. Rochelle sees me and gives me a hug. ¡°Alex! Guess who is back together? I¡¯ve missed you, where were you all week?¡± She asks. Hayes is looking at me again, he won¡¯t stop. ¡°How¡¯s the nose.¡± Hayes asks. I let go of Rochelle and ignore Hayes. I open the fridge. ¡°Alex, what¡¯s wrong?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°Nothing, what are you talking about?¡± I ask. ¡°Come on Al, where were you?¡± She asks. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you be mad at me for being a liar?¡± I say. I grab out the chilled drinks. ¡°You meant well.¡± Sheughs. ¡°Whatever.¡± I say. I use a bowl and fill it up with ice from the fridge. I pour in the chill drink and mix it. Rochelle and Hayes are watching me. The fizzy bubbles can¡¯t hide the stares. ¡°Look, I¡¯m fine. My face is bruised, people are about toe over, I¡¯m a little tensed, that¡¯s all.¡± I lie. ¡°Is it Jeff?¡± Rochelle asks. I look at Hayes. ¡°Sure, why not.¡± I say. Rochelle smiles. She grabs an ice chip and eats it. Rochelle¡¯s crunch calms me, Hayes looks at me. ¡°Hopefully you can finally have a taste of him.¡± Sheughs before going for another. ¡°Totally.¡± I mumble. I watch as Hayes leaves the room. I brush him off, and grab snacks for the party. This was going to be a long night. Chapter 22: 11I鈥檒l Miss You So Much Chapter 22: 11I¡¯ll Miss You So Much It was now the end of the week, and Friday came quicker than expected. For the whole week I ditched every ss except photography, and instead did extra shifts at the Coast. It was starting again, I¡¯m losing myself, and the memories wereing back. ~~~~~ It was about 5 months after Hayes, and his father had moved away. No one knew where they went, we all thought they woulde back. Months passed when we got the news that they moved to Hawaii. The news hit everyone hard. It got to my mother the most. She started getting depressed, still wouldn¡¯t let go of Mr. Bart-ley though. I think it fueled her, fueled her long enough to keep her breathing. Even if he didn¡¯t feel the same way. She¡¯d secretly call him every day. Even if that meant calling around and asking for him. He changed his numbers, not us. I think deep down she knew the truth. A year has passed without them, and my mother is now a smoker. She lives in her room, and barely eats. She is hurt, she feels abandoned by Mr. Bartley. Most nights I hear her crying. It¡¯s bad. Maybe things went south, maybe Mr. Bartley and my mother had nned another life. Another life, just the two of them. Would she have left us behind? ~~~~ It¡¯s a Friday afternoon, and I¡¯m eating a popsicle while sitting on my car. Something hits me right in the face. ¡°Alex, throw the ball back over!¡± Adam shouts. I watch the ball that hit me, bounce on the pavement. The rhythm of the ball matched my pulsing nose. I get off the car, holding my nose, in fear it might be broken. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. I grab the ball and walk next door. I haven¡¯t been over Hayes¡¯s in years. Thankfully, it was just in the garage. This was still much; the secrets won¡¯t swallow me whole though. It was Hayes, and my brother, they were in a middle of a game. Hayes¡¯s hair was hanging over his face, he was drenched in sweat, and he was shirtless. I could see the scars. ¡°You could¡¯ve just thrown it over.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Oh, you¡¯re talking to me now, that¡¯s great.¡± I mumble. He ig-nores me. ¡°That ball hit me in the face, you¡¯re missing a few more words.¡± I say. ¡°Your brother threw that ball.¡± He says, they bothugh. ¡°Well then, you both suck!¡± I say, then throw the ball at Adam. ¡°What the hell Alex! Hey, if you¡¯re going to be like this, Jeff can¡¯te to the party.¡± Adamughs. ¡°How do you know about Jeff?¡± I ask him. ¡°Who¡¯s Jeff?¡± Hayes asks. ¡°What party?¡± I ask. My phone chimes. What time does the party @ your house start? -Rochelle ¡°Hayes needs a wee back party and needs to meet some of my college peeps. Guess whose house is hosting?¡± Adam hoots. My nose starts to bleed. Adam tries to apologize. ¡°It¡¯s fine. I totally deserve this anyways, right?¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m fine, just leave me alone.¡± I say I rush back to the house, grab a kitchen towel, and some ice. My hands were shaking now, I try to breathe. I¡¯m one to fear blood when I see it, it scares me. ~~~~~ Once the bleeding stopped, I took a cold shower, and put on some-thing decent. Which for me meant, red pants that covered my slip-pers. Followed by a crop top that said I HATE YOU in bold letters. The top is covered by my red windbreaker, from work. I¡¯m feet¡¯s away from the kitchen when I hear Rochelle giggling, andughing. In the kitchen I see her, and Hayes making out, hands all over each other. Rochelle sees me and gives me a hug. ¡°Alex! Guess who is back together? I¡¯ve missed you, where were you all week?¡± She asks. Hayes is looking at me again, he won¡¯t stop. ¡°How¡¯s the nose.¡± Hayes asks. I let go of Rochelle and ignore Hayes. I open the fridge. ¡°Alex, what¡¯s wrong?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°Nothing, what are you talking about?¡± I ask. ¡°Come on Al, where were you?¡± She asks. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you be mad at me for being a liar?¡± I say. I grab out the chilled drinks. ¡°You meant well.¡± Sheughs. ¡°Whatever.¡± I say. I use a bowl and fill it up with ice from the fridge. I pour in the chill drink and mix it. Rochelle and Hayes are watching me. The fizzy bubbles can¡¯t hide the stares. ¡°Look, I¡¯m fine. My face is bruised, people are about toe over, I¡¯m a little tensed, that¡¯s all.¡± I lie. ¡°Is it Jeff?¡± Rochelle asks. I look at Hayes. ¡°Sure, why not.¡± I say. Rochelle smiles. She grabs an ice chip and eats it. Rochelle¡¯s crunch calms me, Hayes looks at me. ¡°Hopefully you can finally have a taste of him.¡± Sheughs before going for another. ¡°Totally.¡± I mumble. I watch as Hayes leaves the room. I brush him off, and grab snacks for the party. This was going to be a long night. Chapter 23: 12I鈥檒l Grow A Pit in My Stom-ach Chapter 23: 12I¡¯ll Grow A Pit in My Stom-ach Thankfully night came fast, and the party was starting soon. Jake and Emma helped me decorate the house, they still cared about the aesthetics. They¡¯re pretty cute. We set up pastel lights all around the house. I don¡¯t think it was a fire hazard. The more lights, the better. We put them everywhere. Next was locking the rooms that were off limits. Which consist of; my bedroom, Adams room, and the bedroom downstairs. The bedroom downstairs is off limits for us too, but for different reasons. We don¡¯t talk about it. It¡¯s her room. The bedrooms unlocked were the guest bedroom, which was our older brother¡¯s Jack¡¯s room, and Jake¡¯s room. Doing all of this without the help of Rochelle, or Hayes. They were next door doing, whatever. I didn¡¯t want to think about it. When the party started up, they made their appearance. Along with a few other faces. Adam¡¯s girlfriend Lorene, and his college friends showed first. Then came the high schoolcrosse team, which meant Jeff was attend-ing. It didn¡¯t take long for the house to fill up. Once the party started, the awkward silence faded. I wander around, smile at people I don¡¯t know, which is more fun, than it sounds. Sometimes, I pull out my camera, or proid and take pictures. Or fiddle with the music ylist. This is at any party. I enjoy parties on Friday nights. That¡¯s when people¡¯s true colors, show. Hopefully, I can contain myself enough, so my true colors won¡¯t show. Enough, so my secrets won¡¯t spill out. Knowing everything that¡¯s currently happening, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll stay sober tonight, on any ac- counts. Which in an about an hour, my true colors begin to show. ~~~~ I had way too many shots, and not enough snacks. I was on a high. A destructive one. With my camera around my neck I bump into Jeff at the snack table. ¡°Hey Alex.¡± He smiles. He looked cleaner than me. He had a water bottle in his hand. ¡°Oh hey. Jiff.¡± I sigh. He smiles at me. ¡°Are you having fun?¡± He asks. He puts his arm around me. I hug him, my flimsy jacket scratches his ck t-shirt. He passes me a water bottle, it¡¯s cold. ¡°Utter fun Jiff. Utter FUN!¡± I exhale. I point to Jake and Emma in the corner of the room, going at it. I cover my mouth andugh. ¡°You¡¯re hard to figure out Alex.¡± He says. ¡°Me? I¡¯m hard to figure out?¡± I slur. ¡°Yep. I kind of hate when people ask the question, that¡¯s being answered.¡± He says. He smiles before looking down. For a moment my high is gone, and I see Jeff clearer, both mentally and physically. He was really nice, like all around. We talk a little, I go for seconds, Jeff stops me. ¡°You really think I¡¯m cool ¡°shit¡±?¡± I ask. I nudge Jeff, covering my face secondster at my own cringe. ¡°Not cool ¡°shit¡±, but I think you¡¯re fucking cool. No shit, just cool.¡± He says. I shake my head at his terrible joke. He looks at me again, he won¡¯t stop. I nudge him. ¡°Stop that.¡± Iugh. I make sure to annunciate as well as I can. ¡°Thank you.¡± Iugh. ¡°You¡¯re not just talking to me because you want to have sex? Or be with me, because I¡¯m innocent? I¡¯m not, you know?¡± I state. ¡°No, Alex.¡± Jeff turns to me. ¡°You¡¯re cool, and I want to get to know you. I want something, re-al.¡± He says. The drinks from tonight, starts to spiral me down a destructive road. ¡°Tired of sleeping with the entire school?¡± Iugh. ¡°What?¡± He asks. ¡°Come on Jeff, you¡¯re acrosse yer I see with girls all the time.¡± I say. ¡°You¡¯re drunk right now Alex.¡± He says. ¡°You¡¯re stoned.¡± Iugh. ¡°No, I¡¯m not.¡± He whispers into my ear. I lean into him, pushing all of my weight onto him. I wanted some-one to hug me. He ys in my hair. ¡°Are you mad?¡± I whisper into his ear. I¡¯m sure he can smell the strong acidic cold breath of poison caus-ing trouble. ¡°No.¡± Heughs. He¡¯s lying. ¡°Right.¡± I say. ¡°What¡¯s going on with you?¡± He asks. ¡°Nothing. I can¡¯t feel a thing.¡± Iugh. ¡°How many people have you been with?¡± I ask. ¡°Not many.¡± He sighs. I should stop, but I can¡¯t. ¡°You had sex with Rochelle though, right?¡± I ask. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. ¡°What?¡± He asks. ¡°Did you have sex with my best friend?¡± I slur. I think this question was not only for Jeff, but for someone else. ¡°Okay. I¡¯m leaving.¡± He says. ¡°Now you don¡¯t want me?¡± Iugh. ¡°I¡¯ll see you at school, okay?¡± He says. He shakes his head before leaving me stranded at the drinks table. I pour more to drink, now guiding myself back to the main party. I rest myself against a wall, watching the scene pass me in shes. The lights, theughter, the music. Everything was much, it wasn¡¯t helping the overwhelming feeling that sat in my stomach. I try. I try to be normal, fit into the party scene, y along. This was enough to quiet the butterflies I felt. That feeling meant, tears wereing. I grab my camera and walk over to the downstairs bedroom that¡¯s off limits. The high, numbed me enough, enough to open the door. As soon as I do, I see two college kids having sex on the bed. ¡°What the fuck! Get the fuck out!¡± I yell, quickly shutting the door behind them. I make sure they not only leave the room, and my vicinity, but the party as well. I was very pissed by this, Adam tries to calm me down. When I¡¯m off the wire, Hayes stands by me in silence. ¡°Alex are you okay?¡± Rochelle creeps behind me, giving me a hug. ¡°No! These fuckers somehow got into her fucking room!¡± I pull away from Rochelle, upset. My head is spinning. I can¡¯t walk straight. Iugh instead. ¡°I think you need to slow down Alex.¡± Hayes says. Iugh at hisment and ignore them both. They were pretty drunk themselves. This annoyed me. I go back to the drink table and pour myself an entire cup now. ¡°Go mingle you two, go at it. I¡¯m just having fun. The music sucks. I think I¡¯ll go and convince the DJ to y some better music.¡± Iugh. I start to take off my jacket. ¡°Alex, I¡¯m serious. I think you need to slow down.¡± Hayes says. He grabs my cup. He spills the stuff out of my cup. ¡°Hayes what the fuck!¡± I scream. ¡°You don¡¯t get to tell me, what to do! You¡¯re not my family Hayes. You¡¯re, no one to me.¡± I push him. ¡°You¡¯re too wasted to take care of yourself, or anyone anyways. Get the fuck away!¡± I say. I snatch my cup back from him, and drink what¡¯s left. ¡°What are you doing, huh?!¡± He steps close to me. ¡°What are you going to do Hayes? Date my best friend? Leave when you said you¡¯d stay? Call me Little Richards, and I¡¯ll give out.¡± I say to him. ¡°Just leave me the fuck alone Hayes.¡± I say. I walk over to the DJ. He¡¯s young, maybe a college student. Whoever he is, I go up to him, and kiss him on the lips. People around cheer, Rochelleughs. The DJ gropes me, my eyes are closed the entire time. Hayes grabs my arm. I pull away from him and leave the DJ. I want them to stop following me. I wanted my spinning vision, to exclude them in it. ¡°My life is ruined because of you. I hate you.¡± I say. I stop walking. My nose starts to bleed again. Shit ~~~~~ ¡°I¡¯m fine Adam.¡± I mumble. Once I made it to the bathroom, I¡¯m on edge of the countertop sink, holding my nose. Followed by the annoying knocking from Adam, and the obnoxious music, I was officially done with this party. When the knocking doesn¡¯t stop, I get pissed, and open it. Turns out it¡¯s Hayes. ¡°Your brother told me to check on you.¡± Hayes grabs tissue for my nose. ¡°Adam, my brother threw the ball at my face, and sends you? Makes sense.¡± I say. I wobble back onto the counter. ¡°I threw the ball. I med Adam, because he thought you¡¯d burst into tears if I said it was me.¡± Hayes ¡°What the fuck?¡± I whine. I bury my head in my hands and start to cry. Hayes grabs more tis-sue. ¡°Yeah. Probably should¡¯ve told you sober.¡± Heughs. ¡°I am sober.¡± I slur. ¡°Say Sally Sat Down Beside a Sober Snail 5 times.¡± He slurs. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m pretty wasted too.¡± Heughs. Hayes¡¯s dazed eyes follow me. As I sit on the counter, Hayes cleans my bloody nose. When he¡¯d take breaks to talk to me, he¡¯d ce his hands to my side. I could feel his warmth. I¡¯m still drunk, my colors wereing out. We¡¯re face to face in a pastel magenta, lit bathroom. It felt like I could do anything. I feel the pulsing butterflies in my stomach. They are about to ex-plode. I get off of the counter, and drop to the toilet, releasing everything I consumed tonight. He grabs my hair. What a party ~~~~ Once again, it was just me, Hayes, a closed door, and an open win-dow. We sat in silence for a while, I begged my not yet sober mouth to keep from saying anything stupid. To keep the secrets down, just a little longer. The silence made it hard to keep my secrets. Hayes finally says something. ¡°You still hate me, Little Richards?¡± Hayes asks. I pick at my nails. ¡°No Hayes. I don¡¯t hate you, I could never hate you.¡± I say. ¡°Do you hate me?¡± I ask him. ¡°Still deciding.¡± He says. Silence pours over us again. It¡¯s nice silence though. I sit on the counter, Hayes rests against a wall, directly across from me. ¡°I hate that you left.¡± I say to Hayes. Hayes walks over towards me. ¡°Which time, Little Richards?¡± He asks. ¡°Both times.¡± I say. ¡°It was years ago, Alex.¡± Hayes says. ¡°3 years go, and you promised me. I needed you, we needed you.¡± I mumble. I scrunch my hair. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I never called.¡± I say. ¡°That¡¯s not the same.¡± He says. He looks away, hurt. ¡°You couldn¡¯t wait forever, I know that now.¡± I say. ¡°If you talked to me, you¡¯d know why I couldn¡¯t. Why I couldn¡¯te back. Why I can¡¯t wait.¡± He says. ¡°Because of the girl, in Hawaii?¡± I ask. We¡¯re close to each other. Our faces are so close, to one another. ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about her, Little Richards.¡± He says. Hayes touches my hands. I gasp at the sensation, I can¡¯t feel the chills, but they are there. ¡°We should get back to the party.¡± I slur. I slide off the counter, Hayes helps me down. He grabs my waist and won¡¯t let go. My lower back is pressed against the counter, it pokes me, because Hayes is too close. ¡°Hayes, I know things. I know things that¡¯ll make you think of me differently. Things that¡¯ll make you hate me.¡± I say. ¡°Alex, I know you. I care too much about you, to hate you.¡± He says. ¡°But you said you were still deciding.¡± I say. Hayesughs. ¡°I was kidding. I¡¯ll never hate you, Little Richards.¡± Hayes smiles. I can feel Hayes¡¯s warmth as he speaks. I never want him to stop talking. ¡°Hayes, I have secrets. Secrets that are stuck with me.¡± I say. ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± He says. We¡¯re too close right now. Too close for the both of us, being in this state of mind. I¡¯m super drunk, he¡¯s buzzed. Yet, I still don¡¯t want to move. ¡°Hayes.¡± I mumble. I push his hands off my waist. He keeps trapping me with his arms, by my side. He¡¯s staring into my eyes. He won¡¯t move. Jake barges into the bathroom with Emma. They are both obnoxiouslyughing. ¡°Hey, you guys want to ze? Oh shit, look who it is!¡± Jakeughs. I back away from Hayes, embarrassed. Rochelle enters the bathroom. ¡°Who barfed?¡± She asks. I raise my hand and look at Hayes. ¡°I¡¯m never drinking again.¡± I mumble. Rochelle smiles at the both of us. ¡°Which one of you wants to be, my beer pong partner?¡± You¡¯ve got to be shitting me Chapter 24: 13I鈥檒l Swim To The Surface To Breathe Again Chapter 24: 13I¡¯ll Swim To The Surface To Breathe Again The next day, everything hurt, and ached. I stayed under my n-kets for a while, until light came into my room. Most ofst night, was a blur, it is for the best, though. As long as I didn¡¯t do anything too stupid. As long as I, didn¡¯t let a secret out. Someone knocks on my door. It¡¯s Hayes I go to the door, stopping halfway there to look in the mirror. I¡¯m now wearing an oversized t-shirt, underwear, and my ¡°lucky¡± bra Rochelle got me. ording to Rochelle, you wear it for your ¡°first time¡±. I might¡¯ve done something stupidst night. Hayes stops knocking and opens the door. I grab a nket to cover myself. ¡°Sorry.¡± He says. Silence pours into the room. Hayes won¡¯t look at me. My pit pulses. ¡°You want to go pick up some doughnuts?¡± Hayes asks. ¡°Hayes, where are my clothes, fromst night?¡± Iugh to cover the pounding fear, all over. ¡°They¡¯re in the washer. I washed them for you.¡± He says. ¡°Why did you wash them?¡± I ask. ¡°Because, they were dirty.¡± He says. I only nod. ¡°Where¡¯s Rochelle?¡± I ask. He opens the door wider and leans closer to me. His next words hurt me. ¡°She crashed at my house.¡± He says. ¡°Are youing?¡± His voice was raspy. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°No!¡± I say. ¡°Fine.¡± Hayes huffs. ¡°No. Sure. I¡¯ll be right down.¡± I say. I close the door, and lean against it, head in hands. I think I had sexst night Chapter 25: 13I鈥檒l Swim To The Surface To Breathe Again Chapter 25: 13I¡¯ll Swim To The Surface To Breathe Again The next day, everything hurt, and ached. I stayed under my n-kets for a while, until light came into N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. my room. Most ofst night, was a blur, it is for the best, though. As long as I didn¡¯t do anything too stupid. As long as I, didn¡¯t let a secret out. Someone knocks on my door. It¡¯s Hayes I go to the door, stopping halfway there to look in the mirror. I¡¯m now wearing an oversized t-shirt, underwear, and my ¡°lucky¡± bra Rochelle got me. ording to Rochelle, you wear it for your ¡°first time¡±. I might¡¯ve done something stupidst night. Hayes stops knocking and opens the door. I grab a nket to cover myself. ¡°Sorry.¡± He says. Silence pours into the room. Hayes won¡¯t look at me. My pit pulses. ¡°You want to go pick up some doughnuts?¡± Hayes asks. ¡°Hayes, where are my clothes, fromst night?¡± Iugh to cover the pounding fear, all over. ¡°They¡¯re in the washer. I washed them for you.¡± He says. ¡°Why did you wash them?¡± I ask. ¡°Because, they were dirty.¡± He says. I only nod. ¡°Where¡¯s Rochelle?¡± I ask. He opens the door wider and leans closer to me. His next words hurt me. ¡°She crashed at my house.¡± He says. ¡°Are youing?¡± His voice was raspy. ¡°No!¡± I say. ¡°Fine.¡± Hayes huffs. ¡°No. Sure. I¡¯ll be right down.¡± I say. I close the door, and lean against it, head in hands. I think I had sexst night Chapter 26: 14I鈥檓 Crying Chapter 26: 14I¡¯m Crying Before we leave, I run over to Hayes¡¯s house to talk to Rochelle. Cu-riosity was going to eat me alive, if I didn¡¯t know the truth. I haven¡¯t been inside Hayes¡¯s house, in years. I¡¯m too afraid my se-crets and lies will consume me. I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ll see Ms. Kristen, I¡¯m afraid of what she¡¯ll say. I almost backed down entirely. Hayes waits in the car. I look at the ground mostly, I avoid pictures, things from the past as I walk through the house. I didn¡¯t want to interact with the sad memories of Timmy, Hayes, truthfully all of the Bartley¡¯s. Right next to Hayes¡¯s room, is Timmy¡¯s room. Timmy¡¯s door is closed. This hurt more than I¡¯d expected. I want to turn back around and leave, right now. I can¡¯t stop staring at Timmy¡¯s door. My hands are shaking now, I¡¯m trying tofort myself. Memories areing back; a lot wasing back. I hear Rochelle groaning in Hayes¡¯s room, this is enough to wake me from my memories. I walk into his room and close the door behind me. The same blue he had since he was a boy, paint his walls. The in desk that sit in the corner of the room, and the astrology d¨¦cor that decorates his desk. They were all in the exact same spot. Then there¡¯s Rochelle. She¡¯s stretched out on his bed, asleep. Now she¡¯s half asleep. ¡°Alex is that you?¡± She mumbles. I walk over to the bed and stand next to her. ¡°Hey Rochelle, how are you feeling?¡± I ask. ¡°Worse than you, that¡¯s for sure.¡± Sheughs, I smile to hide the fear I felt. Everything in this house was starting to affect me. ¡°Rochelle, I need to ask you something.¡± I say. I hug myself and squeeze my jacket sleeves. Rochelle¡¯s face is still buried in the nkets. ¡°Is it aboutst night?¡± Rochelle yawns. I felt very ufortable for many reasons. I needed to leave. ¡°I think I had sex,st night.¡± I say. Rochelleughs. I squeeze my jacket sleeve more. ¡°Great for you Al, how was it?¡± She asks. My stomach drops. I sit down on the floor next to the bed. ¡°I can¡¯t remember it, Rochelle.¡± I mumble. I¡¯m embarrassed by my words. ¡°If you can¡¯t remember it Alex, and you feel okay. Well, you didn¡¯t have sex.¡± She turns to me. ¡°You¡¯d know if you¡¯d had sex for the first time.¡± She says. Rochelle goes back to hugging Hayes¡¯s covers. I hug my stomach, and bite down on my lip. It felt like, if I looked at anything in the room for too long, it would crumble. ¡°So, you don¡¯t know what happened either?¡± I ask. ¡°Maybe you fooled around with Jeff, or the DJ.¡± She says. I look away. ¡°Look, I¡¯m sure we all did stupid stuffst night. It¡¯s totally fine Alex.¡± Rochelle¡¯s says. ¡°It¡¯s not ¡°totally fine¡±, Rochelle. This stuff matters to me.¡± I say. I look at the ground. I trace a T on the wood floor. I felt a secreting out. ¡°Can we talk when I¡¯m sober. I just don¡¯t feel up for talking. I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯m being, a shitty friend right now.¡± She mumbles again. ¡°Yeah. Sure, we can talk about this another time.¡± I mumble. I move my hair from my face. ¡°Can you get my phone, from the nightstand.¡± She asks. I nod. I¡¯m moving silently, but the floor squeaks, it brings back memories. I wipe the tears the farther I¡¯d get from Rochelle, so she can¡¯t see. I open the nightstand; Rochelle¡¯s phone isn¡¯t there. Instead, I see a letter in Hayes¡¯s nightstand. My letter. I pick it up. Before I open it, Rochelle gets up. ¡°I¡¯ll get it myself.¡± She whines. She reaches for the nightstand closest to her. My eyes follow her. I¡¯m quickly putting my note back. ¡°I got to go Rochelle, Hayes and I are picking up some doughnuts. You want some?¡± I ask. ¡°Yeah, I know. I told him to go get them.¡± She says. I¡¯m too scared to ask her about my secrets I might¡¯ve let loosest night. I feel stupid. I feel like a liar, and I¡¯m burning up with anger. I have to get out of this room. There¡¯s silence, Rochelle¡¯s nails tap on the phone. ¡°Alex. If you had sexst night. Well, there¡¯s usually blood your first time.¡± She says. The pit in my stomach goes deeper. We don¡¯t exchange anymore words. I leave his room, staring at the ground, until I¡¯m outside. I enter Hayes¡¯s car, silently. I don¡¯t bother to wipe the tears. The rain drenched me altogether. ¡°Ready to go?¡± He asks. I nod, and we¡¯re off to Rogers Bakery. ~~~~ We reach our local bakery store, where a lot of memories took ce. All happy ones. The memories weren¡¯t going to lighten the mood today, though. It was already a grey, and rainy day. The entire car ride was silent, and I avoided looking at Hayes altogether. I just felt numb all around. I¡¯m not sure if I did anything yesterday. But my lies, and secrets, made me feel dirty. When Hayes parked, I decide to wait in the car. I guess I didn¡¯t want to ruin the happy memories of this ce, with the sad ones I thought of right now. Whatever the reason, I could just sit in the car, watch the rain, lis-ten to Hayes¡¯s music, and think of better days. Yet, whenever I tried to, my past haunts me. ~~~~ I sit in the waiting room at Orca Manchester Care, it¡¯s the next town over. I was only 14. I was just a kid. The doctores into the room. He¡¯s was young, na?ve, but hon-est. ¡°It¡¯s a habit acquired by many, and you must understand the health risks. I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± ~~~~ Knocking on the window scares me, wakes me from the past. It¡¯s Hayes. ¡°You okay?¡± Hayes shouts through the window. I¡¯m tensed, and nod with lies. He enters the car, hands full of doughnuts. ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m just cold.¡± I say. Hayes takes off his jacket and gives it to me. ¡°Thanks.¡± I say. I turn back to the window. Silence pours in the car, again. Then Hayes offers to feed my habit. ¡°I¡¯m not hungry.¡± I lie. ¡°Come on, it¡¯s breakfast.¡± He says. ¡°I don¡¯t eat cow stuff, or eggs.¡± I turn to him. ¡°What do you think I told the bakers? These three are for you. No cow stuff, or eggs.¡± He smiles. I grab a piece from one and eat it. I could barely chew, I¡¯m trying to prevent tears froming down my face. This was going to be my only meal today. We stay silent, Hayes hasn¡¯t started the car up yet. ¡°I think I did something stupidst night.¡± I mumble, still turned to the window. The zed doughnut¡¯s icing glossed my lips, made them sweet when I licked them. It wasforting in a way. ¡°Like what?¡± He asks. I shake my head. The rain is heavy. ¡°I was with you the entire night.¡± Hayes states. ¡°We both were. Rochelle too.¡± He says. ¡°That¡¯s reassuring.¡± I mumble under my breath. ¡°Why were my clothes different?¡± I ask. ¡°You barfed.¡± He says. ¡°More than once?¡± I ask, and he nods. ¡°Who dressed me?¡± I scrunch my damp hair. ¡°You did.¡± He says. ¡°DJ guy?¡± I look at Hayes, he hands me the box of doughnuts. ¡°Yeah. He was bad news, your brother and I told him off. You tried bringing him up to your room.¡± Hayes says. He doesn¡¯t look at me now. I start to draw on the box. ¡°You left me. You and Rochelle, went next door, how do you know?¡± I ask. ¡°We left when the party was over, after everyone went home.¡± He says. ¡°Then what?¡± I turn to him. ¡°Then I left, yes.¡± He says. ¡°With Rochelle.¡± I say. I scrunch my hair again. I wanted him to say it. After the party was over, him and Rochelle had sex. Then again, knowing the truth would hurt me, more than I hurt now. ¡°Rochelle usually stays over, after a party. It was weird seeing her in your room.¡± I state. I start to scribble on his window. The car was still in park, the rain is our radio. ¡°You won beer pong.¡± He says, but I stay silent. ¡°You didn¡¯t do anything, okay? You didn¡¯t want to do anything, did you?¡± He asks. ¡°I don¡¯t know. No.¡± I turn to him. I wasn¡¯t sure what I wanted. I dreaded to know what happenedst night, but now that I know. I feel even more guilty, because I still have secrets. Because, when I close my eyes, I can still see the mistakes. ¡°Do you remember what I said to youst night? In the bathroom?¡± I ask. One of the only things I remember, fromst night. ¡°Listen Alex. If I said anything or did anything. Just, clean te, okay? Let¡¯s just forget aboutst night.¡± Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. He says. No, I didn¡¯t want that. The things fromst night that I do remem-ber, were great. ¡°I¡¯d rather keep that stuff behind us.¡± He says. ¡°Yeah. Yeah, sure. Me too.¡± I lie. ¡°Thanks for staying.¡± I mumble. My throat pulsed, I was holding in so much. I pick at my nails. The car goes silent. There¡¯s only the rain. ¡°Was that your first time in the house since.¡± He asks. ¡°No.¡± I lie. I end the conversation, that wasing. I wasn¡¯t going to bring up the past that far back. I couldn¡¯t. ¡°Can we go?¡± I say. Hayes silently starts the car, and we head home. Chapter 27: 14I鈥檓 Crying Chapter 27: 14I¡¯m Crying Before we leave, I run over to Hayes¡¯s house to talk to Rochelle. Cu-riosity was going to eat me alive, if I didn¡¯t know the truth. I haven¡¯t been inside Hayes¡¯s house, in years. I¡¯m too afraid my se-crets and lies will consume me. I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ll see Ms. Kristen, I¡¯m afraid of what she¡¯ll say. I almost backed down entirely. Hayes waits in the car. I look at the ground mostly, I avoid pictures, things from the past as I walk through the house. I didn¡¯t want to interact with the sad memories of Timmy, Hayes, truthfully all of the Bartley¡¯s. Right next to Hayes¡¯s room, is Timmy¡¯s room. Timmy¡¯s door is closed. This hurt more than I¡¯d expected. I want to turn back around and leave, right now. I can¡¯t stop staring at Timmy¡¯s door. My hands are shaking now, I¡¯m trying tofort myself. Memories areing back; a lot wasing back. I hear Rochelle groaning in Hayes¡¯s room, this is enough to wake me from my memories. I walk into his room and close the door behind me. The same blue he had since he was a boy, paint his walls. The in desk that sit in the corner of the room, and the astrology d¨¦cor that decorates his desk. They were all in the exact same spot. Then there¡¯s Rochelle. She¡¯s stretched out on his bed, asleep. Now she¡¯s half asleep. ¡°Alex is that you?¡± She mumbles. I walk over to the bed and stand next to her. ¡°Hey Rochelle, how are you feeling?¡± I ask. ¡°Worse than you, that¡¯s for sure.¡± Sheughs, I smile to hide the fear I felt. Everything in this house was starting to affect me. ¡°Rochelle, I need to ask you something.¡± I say. I hug myself and squeeze my jacket sleeves. Rochelle¡¯s face is still buried in the nkets. ¡°Is it aboutst night?¡± Rochelle yawns. I felt very ufortable for many reasons. I needed to leave. ¡°I think I had sex,st night.¡± I say. Rochelleughs. I squeeze my jacket sleeve more. ¡°Great for you Al, how was it?¡± She asks. My stomach drops. I sit down on the floor next to the bed. ¡°I can¡¯t remember it, Rochelle.¡± I mumble. I¡¯m embarrassed by my words. ¡°If you can¡¯t remember it Alex, and you feel okay. Well, you didn¡¯t have sex.¡± She turns to me. ¡°You¡¯d know if you¡¯d had sex for the first time.¡± She says. Rochelle goes back to hugging Hayes¡¯s covers. I hug my stomach, and bite down on my lip. It felt like, if I looked at anything in the room for too long, it would crumble. ¡°So, you don¡¯t know what happened either?¡± I ask. ¡°Maybe you fooled around with Jeff, or the DJ.¡± She says. I look away. ¡°Look, I¡¯m sure we all did stupid stuffst night. It¡¯s totally fine Alex.¡± Rochelle¡¯s says. ¡°It¡¯s not ¡°totally fine¡±, Rochelle. This stuff matters to me.¡± I say. I look at the ground. I trace a T on the wood floor. I felt a secreting out. ¡°Can we talk when I¡¯m sober. I just don¡¯t feel up for talking. I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯m being, a shitty friend right now.¡± She mumbles again. ¡°Yeah. Sure, we can talk about this another time.¡± I mumble. I move my hair from my face. ¡°Can you get my phone, from the nightstand.¡± She asks. I nod. I¡¯m moving silently, but the floor squeaks, it brings back memories. I wipe the tears the farther I¡¯d get from Rochelle, so she can¡¯t see. I open the nightstand; Rochelle¡¯s phone isn¡¯t there. Instead, I see a letter in Hayes¡¯s nightstand. My letter. I pick it up. Before I open it, Rochelle gets up. ¡°I¡¯ll get it myself.¡± She whines. She reaches for the nightstand closest to her. My eyes follow her. I¡¯m quickly putting my note back. ¡°I got to go Rochelle, Hayes and I are picking up some doughnuts. You want some?¡± I ask. ¡°Yeah, I know. I told him to go get them.¡± She says. I¡¯m too scared to ask her about my secrets I might¡¯ve let loosest night. I feel stupid. I feel like a liar, and I¡¯m burning up with anger. I have to get out of this room. There¡¯s silence, Rochelle¡¯s nails tap on the phone. ¡°Alex. If you had sexst night. Well, there¡¯s usually blood your first time.¡± She says. The pit in my stomach goes deeper. We don¡¯t exchange anymore words. I leave his room, staring at the ground, until I¡¯m outside. I enter Hayes¡¯s car, silently. I don¡¯t bother to wipe the tears. The rain drenched me altogether. ¡°Ready to go?¡± He asks. I nod, and we¡¯re off to Rogers Bakery. ~~~~ We reach our local bakery store, where a lot of memories took ce. All happy ones. The memories weren¡¯t going to lighten the mood today, though. It was already a grey, and rainy day. The entire car ride was silent, and I avoided looking at Hayes altogether. I just felt numb all around. I¡¯m not sure if I did anything yesterday. But my lies, and secrets, made me feel dirty. When Hayes parked, I decide to wait in the car. I guess I didn¡¯t want to ruin the happy memories of this ce, with the sad ones I thought of right now. Whatever the reason, I could just sit in the car, watch the rain, lis-ten to Hayes¡¯s music, and think of better days. Yet, whenever I tried to, my past haunts me. ~~~~ I sit in the waiting room at Orca Manchester Care, it¡¯s the next town over. I was only 14. I was just a kid. The doctores into the room. He¡¯s was young, na?ve, but hon-est. ¡°It¡¯s a habit acquired by many, and you must understand the health risks. I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± ~~~~ Knocking on the window scares me, wakes me from the past. It¡¯s Hayes. ¡°You okay?¡± Hayes shouts through the window. I¡¯m tensed, and nod with lies. He enters the car, hands full of doughnuts. ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m just cold.¡± I say. Hayes takes off his jacket and gives it to me. ¡°Thanks.¡± I say. I turn back to the window. Silence pours in the car, again. Then Hayes offers to feed my habit. ¡°I¡¯m not hungry.¡± I lie. ¡°Come on, it¡¯s breakfast.¡± He says. ¡°I don¡¯t eat cow stuff, or eggs.¡± I turn to him. ¡°What do you think I told the bakers? These three are for you. No cow stuff, or eggs.¡± He smiles. I grab a piece from one and eat it. I could barely chew, I¡¯m trying to prevent tears froming down my face. This was going to be my only meal today. We stay silent, Hayes hasn¡¯t started the car up yet. ¡°I think I did something stupidst night.¡± I mumble, still turned to the window. The zed doughnut¡¯s icing glossed my lips, made them sweet when I licked them. It wasforting in a way. ¡°Like what?¡± He asks. I shake my head. The rain is heavy. ¡°I was with you the entire night.¡± Hayes states. ¡°We both were. Rochelle too.¡± He says. ¡°That¡¯s reassuring.¡± I mumble under my breath. ¡°Why were my clothes different?¡± I ask. ¡°You barfed.¡± He says. ¡°More than once?¡± I ask, and he nods. ¡°Who dressed me?¡± I scrunch my damp hair. ¡°You did.¡± He says. ¡°DJ guy?¡± I look at Hayes, he hands me the box of doughnuts. ¡°Yeah. He was bad news, your brother and I told him off. You tried bringing him up to your room.¡± Hayes says. He doesn¡¯t look at me now. I start to draw on the box. ¡°You left me. You and Rochelle, went next door, how do you know?¡± I ask. ¡°We left when the party was over, after everyone went home.¡± He says. ¡°Then what?¡± I turn to him. ¡°Then I left, yes.¡± He says. ¡°With Rochelle.¡± I say. I scrunch my hair again. I wanted him to say it. After the party was over, him and Rochelle had sex. Then again, knowing the truth would hurt me, more than I hurt now. ¡°Rochelle usually stays over, after a party. It was weird seeing her in your room.¡± I state. I start to scribble on his window. The car was still in park, the rain is our radio. ¡°You won beer pong.¡± He says, but I stay silent. ¡°You didn¡¯t do anything, okay? You didn¡¯t want to do anything, did you?¡± He asks. ¡°I don¡¯t know. No.¡± I turn to him. I wasn¡¯t sure what I wanted. I dreaded to know what happenedst night, but now that I know. I feel even more guilty, because I still have secrets. Because, when I close my eyes, I can still see the mistakes. ¡°Do you remember what I said to youst night? In the bathroom?¡± I ask. One of the only things I remember, fromst night. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. ¡°Listen Alex. If I said anything or did anything. Just, clean te, okay? Let¡¯s just forget aboutst night.¡± He says. No, I didn¡¯t want that. The things fromst night that I do remem-ber, were great. ¡°I¡¯d rather keep that stuff behind us.¡± He says. ¡°Yeah. Yeah, sure. Me too.¡± I lie. ¡°Thanks for staying.¡± I mumble. My throat pulsed, I was holding in so much. I pick at my nails. The car goes silent. There¡¯s only the rain. ¡°Was that your first time in the house since.¡± He asks. ¡°No.¡± I lie. I end the conversation, that wasing. I wasn¡¯t going to bring up the past that far back. I couldn¡¯t. ¡°Can we go?¡± I say. Hayes silently starts the car, and we head home. Chapter 28: 15Please Don鈥檛 Go Hayes Chapter 28: 15Please Don¡¯t Go Hayes ¡°A double date?¡± I stand at her locker. It was now the end of the week, school was over for seniors. Ro-chelle wanted to double date with Jeff and me. I still wasn¡¯t okay with them, together. It was awkward, it was bad for me. I don¡¯t know why Rochelle couldn¡¯t see that. Probably because I acted like it was okay. I¡¯d say things, do things to show I didn¡¯t care. It was better than telling her the truth. ¡°Sure. I don¡¯t care.¡± I lie. The week gave me time to heal from the party, but I still wasn¡¯t ful-ly okay with what went down. I know Jeff wasn¡¯t, we haven¡¯t talked since then. Rochelle doesn¡¯t know this. ~~~~ The double date was originally supposed to be a movie date, and dinner. ns changed. More specifically, Rochelle wanted every-thing at her house. Rochelle¡¯s ce was ¡°the house¡±. It was big, spacious had a pool, jacuzzi in the back. There were rooms beyond rooms, which were great for parties, it¡¯s perfect. Personally, I think Rochelle likes to y house. She likes to create a world, where she¡¯s in charge. Where she¡¯sfortable, safe. It¡¯s her gi-ant dollhouse. Yet, when the music stops, when the crowd leaves. It¡¯s a mute, grey, and lonely dollhouse. Rochelle parents are never home, ever. They make an appear-ance in the town no more than 24 times a year. She¡¯s been alone for a while. It¡¯s been this way since she could legally be left alone. Before that, they¡¯d hire babysitters, or she¡¯d stay over our house. Leaving someone so young all alone in a big mansion. I¡¯m d she has someone. Before she had me, now, it¡¯s Hayes. I feel bad for envying Hayes. ¡°I still hate this idea, Rochelle.¡± I tell her. I¡¯m tying up my hair. We were getting ready in her room. Jeff and Hayes were on their way. Well, Hayes was for sureing. I texted Jeff the same day this date was orchestrated. I sent him a message, he never responded. ¡°It¡¯ll be fun I promise, just drink a lot.¡± Rochelle says. ¡°So, did you bring yours?¡± She asks. ¡°Bring what?¡± I ask. ¡°Your swimsuit.¡± She says. ¡°I think I¡¯m going to cancel.¡± I say to her. ¡°Fine, you can borrow one of mine.¡± She smirks. Secondster she tosses a bathing suit at my head. ¡°You left it here.¡± She says. I throw it back at her. ¡°Seriously Alex? It¡¯s toote to cancel.¡± Rochelle says. We go downstairs. The doorbell keeps ringing. I take a deep breath. Rochelle opens the door. Hayes enters. Then Jeff. ~~~~~ Once Hayes and Jeffe inside, everything starts. Rochelle passes around the drinks and starts up the radio. Everyone was drinking,ughing, having fun. It was a nice scene, if you were in the moment. For me, I turned down the drinks, even though I could use them tonight. I wasn¡¯t ready for drinks yet. Jeff makes his way over to me. It¡¯s silence between the both of us for a while. ¡°Thanks for not standing me up.¡± I smile. Jeff moves his hair from his face. ¡°Aboutst week.¡± He says. There¡¯s this awkward silence between him, and I again. Rochelle lightens the mood. She takes me by the hand and pulls me to the pool. When I go to take off my shirt it gets caught. Jeff helps. His hands touch my bare skin. They give me chills. ¡°You were going to war with that shirt. I thought I¡¯d help.¡± He smiles at me. My hair tie had fallen out, and my hair hangs over my face. ¡°Thanks. I had it though.¡± I mumble, Hayes heard me. ¡°Come on Little Richards.¡± Hayesughs. ¡°Shut up Hayes!¡± Rochelleughs, and pushes him in the pool. Sec-ondster, Rochelle jumps in. I look at Jeff, he keeps stepping closer to me. I step in. He smiles at me, he won¡¯t stop. ¡°Stop.¡± I say. He grabs my hand, and I push him in. This is the first time tonight, that I smiled. I wanted someone to just tell me to stop being so ufortable, but no one did. All of us were on this weird double date, and I¡¯m forced to jump out of myfort zone. I stick a toe in, the water is warm. I¡¯m now sitting at the edge of the pool. I slide in. I hold my breath for a while. Longer than a while, but it¡¯s quiet and I can¡¯t think. I¡¯m holding my breath for too long. ¡°Alex!¡± Hayes pulls me above water. ¡°Ouch!¡± I grab at my arm Hayes pulled. ¡°What the fuck Little Richards.¡± Heughs, but he¡¯s scared. I now feel bad for scaring Hayes. I catch my breath, before swimming away from him. ¡°I¡¯m a life guard. I can do whatever I want.¡± I whisper. He smiles. ¡°No Little Richards calling today, got it?¡± I say, making sure to ssh him in the face. I guess this was us apologizing to each other. I¡¯m feeling better now. I bump into Jeff. ¡°Sorry about the whole silent awkwardness.¡± I tell him. ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± He says. I submerge my entire face underwater for a moment. When Ie back up, he¡¯s still looking at me. ¡°See who holds their breath the longest?¡± I ask. We both go under. It feels like we are under water, for forever. I open my eyes under-water to watch Jeff. He was so focused with his eyes closed. Secondster he floats back up to the surface. ¡°How?!¡± Hisugh makes me warm. It makes me smile. ¡°Stay calm, focus on something, anything.¡± I say. Before we go under again, I grab his hands and intece them with mine. Once we are under, I open my eyes, and watch Jeff again. I see his bubbles float to the surface. Suddenly, Jeff opens his eyes. I don¡¯t swim to the surface, I move into him. 30 SECONDS We stare at each other, he makes a funny face. Content rights belong to N?velDrama.Org. 50 SECONDS It¡¯s weird how when you jump out of yourfort zone, the morefortable you feel with yourself. So much that I go to kiss Jeff on the cheek. 60 SECONDS He smiles at me, but we don¡¯t stop. Jeff swims closer, he swims so close to me that our bodies collide with the unrealistic tides. He kisses me on the lips. I swim to the surface, touching my buzzing lips. HE KISSED ME Chapter 29: 15Please Don鈥檛 Go Hayes Chapter 29: 15Please Don¡¯t Go Hayes ¡°A double date?¡± I stand at her locker. It was now the end of the week, school was over for seniors. Ro-chelle wanted to double date with Jeff and me. I still wasn¡¯t okay with them, together. It was awkward, it was bad for me. I don¡¯t know why Rochelle couldn¡¯t see that. Probably because I acted like it was okay. I¡¯d say things, do things to show I didn¡¯t care. It was better than telling her the truth. ¡°Sure. I don¡¯t care.¡± I lie. The week gave me time to heal from the party, but I still wasn¡¯t ful-ly okay with what went down. I know Jeff wasn¡¯t, we haven¡¯t talked since then. Rochelle doesn¡¯t know this. ~~~~ The double date was originally supposed to be a movie date, and dinner. ns changed. More specifically, Rochelle wanted every-thing at her house. Rochelle¡¯s ce was ¡°the house¡±. It was big, spacious had a pool, jacuzzi in the back. There were rooms beyond rooms, which were great for parties, it¡¯s perfect. Personally, I think Rochelle likes to y house. She likes to create a world, where she¡¯s in charge. Where she¡¯sfortable, safe. It¡¯s her gi-ant dollhouse. Yet, when the music stops, when the crowd leaves. It¡¯s a mute, grey, and lonely dollhouse. Rochelle parents are never home, ever. They make an appear-ance in the town no more than 24 times a year. She¡¯s been alone for a while. It¡¯s been this way since she could legally be left alone. Before that, they¡¯d hire babysitters, or she¡¯d stay over our house. Leaving someone so young all alone in a big mansion. I¡¯m d she has someone. Before she had me, now, it¡¯s Hayes. I feel bad for envying Hayes. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°I still hate this idea, Rochelle.¡± I tell her. I¡¯m tying up my hair. We were getting ready in her room. Jeff and Hayes were on their way. Well, Hayes was for sureing. I texted Jeff the same day this date was orchestrated. I sent him a message, he never responded. ¡°It¡¯ll be fun I promise, just drink a lot.¡± Rochelle says. ¡°So, did you bring yours?¡± She asks. ¡°Bring what?¡± I ask. ¡°Your swimsuit.¡± She says. ¡°I think I¡¯m going to cancel.¡± I say to her. ¡°Fine, you can borrow one of mine.¡± She smirks. Secondster she tosses a bathing suit at my head. ¡°You left it here.¡± She says. I throw it back at her. ¡°Seriously Alex? It¡¯s toote to cancel.¡± Rochelle says. We go downstairs. The doorbell keeps ringing. I take a deep breath. Rochelle opens the door. Hayes enters. Then Jeff. ~~~~~ Once Hayes and Jeffe inside, everything starts. Rochelle passes around the drinks and starts up the radio. Everyone was drinking,ughing, having fun. It was a nice scene, if you were in the moment. For me, I turned down the drinks, even though I could use them tonight. I wasn¡¯t ready for drinks yet. Jeff makes his way over to me. It¡¯s silence between the both of us for a while. ¡°Thanks for not standing me up.¡± I smile. Jeff moves his hair from his face. ¡°Aboutst week.¡± He says. There¡¯s this awkward silence between him, and I again. Rochelle lightens the mood. She takes me by the hand and pulls me to the pool. When I go to take off my shirt it gets caught. Jeff helps. His hands touch my bare skin. They give me chills. ¡°You were going to war with that shirt. I thought I¡¯d help.¡± He smiles at me. My hair tie had fallen out, and my hair hangs over my face. ¡°Thanks. I had it though.¡± I mumble, Hayes heard me. ¡°Come on Little Richards.¡± Hayesughs. ¡°Shut up Hayes!¡± Rochelleughs, and pushes him in the pool. Sec-ondster, Rochelle jumps in. I look at Jeff, he keeps stepping closer to me. I step in. He smiles at me, he won¡¯t stop. ¡°Stop.¡± I say. He grabs my hand, and I push him in. This is the first time tonight, that I smiled. I wanted someone to just tell me to stop being so ufortable, but no one did. All of us were on this weird double date, and I¡¯m forced to jump out of myfort zone. I stick a toe in, the water is warm. I¡¯m now sitting at the edge of the pool. I slide in. I hold my breath for a while. Longer than a while, but it¡¯s quiet and I can¡¯t think. I¡¯m holding my breath for too long. ¡°Alex!¡± Hayes pulls me above water. ¡°Ouch!¡± I grab at my arm Hayes pulled. ¡°What the fuck Little Richards.¡± Heughs, but he¡¯s scared. I now feel bad for scaring Hayes. I catch my breath, before swimming away from him. ¡°I¡¯m a life guard. I can do whatever I want.¡± I whisper. He smiles. ¡°No Little Richards calling today, got it?¡± I say, making sure to ssh him in the face. I guess this was us apologizing to each other. I¡¯m feeling better now. I bump into Jeff. ¡°Sorry about the whole silent awkwardness.¡± I tell him. ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± He says. I submerge my entire face underwater for a moment. When Ie back up, he¡¯s still looking at me. ¡°See who holds their breath the longest?¡± I ask. We both go under. It feels like we are under water, for forever. I open my eyes under-water to watch Jeff. He was so focused with his eyes closed. Secondster he floats back up to the surface. ¡°How?!¡± Hisugh makes me warm. It makes me smile. ¡°Stay calm, focus on something, anything.¡± I say. Before we go under again, I grab his hands and intece them with mine. Once we are under, I open my eyes, and watch Jeff again. I see his bubbles float to the surface. Suddenly, Jeff opens his eyes. I don¡¯t swim to the surface, I move into him. 30 SECONDS We stare at each other, he makes a funny face. 50 SECONDS It¡¯s weird how when you jump out of yourfort zone, the morefortable you feel with yourself. So much that I go to kiss Jeff on the cheek. 60 SECONDS He smiles at me, but we don¡¯t stop. Jeff swims closer, he swims so close to me that our bodies collide with the unrealistic tides. He kisses me on the lips. I swim to the surface, touching my buzzing lips. HE KISSED ME Chapter 30: 16Come Back Please Chapter 30: 16Come Back Please About 10 seconds after Jeff kissed me on the lips he resurfaces. Jeff wins I go to say something, but water gets into my nose. To make things worse the coughing went on for more than 30 seconds, Jeff starts to worry. He guides me to the rim of the pool, where I finally stop. ¡°I focused on you.¡± He smiles. I swim closer to him and our wet lips collide. I lick the chlorinated water on my lips. He copies me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry aboutst week.¡± I smile. ¡°That wasst week. This is now.¡± Jeff says. He pecks my bottom lip. My face is beating. I wrap my arms around his neck, I want more of him. He hugs my waist. I haven¡¯t kissed anyone in years. We stare at each other, smiling. We get interrupted by Rochelle, and Hayes. ¡°What¡¯s going on over here?¡± Rochelleughs. ¡°Nothing.¡± I say. Sheughs and sshes us both. Jeff smiles at me when I look at him. ¡°Who¡¯s ready for Fuck and You?¡± She asks. This was Rochelle version of Marco Polo. Hayes and Rochelle start off as Fuck, Jeff and I are You. From there we start the game. It¡¯s slow paced at first. Rochelle and Hayes were taking their time, or they were buzzed. Some point in this round I make noise, Hayes is now hunting me. Hayes is right behind me. I move from one corner of the pool, to another corner. Eyes still closed, Hayes starts swimming towards me. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. Hayes is right in front of me. He shouts Marco, and Rochelle cor-rects him. ¡°Sorry, my mistake.¡± He smiles. I hear his faint sigh turn to aughter as he swims closer to me. ¡°Fuck?¡± He says. I stay quiet. I look at Hayes, he looks young, vulnerable, but happy. His soaked curly hair hangs, he huffs when he moves it from his face. ¡°You.¡± Jeff shouts, which scares me. Hayes is still frozen in front of me. Waiting for me to respond. ¡°Come on Alex, you have to say it back?¡± Hayes says. I nervously bite my lip, about to give up. Then Hayes starts to feel around the rim of the pool. He¡¯s inches away from me and says it again. I can feel his breath close to mine, but still I stay silent, tensing as his hands get closer to me. ¡°Fuck.¡± He slowly opens his eyes. ¡°You.¡± I say. For a moment everything goes quiet, it¡¯s now just me and Hayes. His smile warms me, that is before I ssh him in the face. ¡°Alex, what the fuck dude! You¡¯re fucking dubbing the game?¡± He covers his eyes, andughs. I swim to the edge and try to get out. But Hayes grabs me by the waist and pulls me back in. We both go under, and Hayes is still hold-ing onto me. Even when we reach the surface, he is still hugging me. I stopughing, and soon get uptight. ¡°Let go Hayes.¡± I push away from him. There¡¯s silence once again. Rochelle swims towards us. ¡°Ready to switch?¡± She asks. I nod and avoid eye contact with Hayes. Next time I smile at Jeff, he brushes me off. I get a brush off? Things were going so great though. FUCK. YOU. ¡°Fuck.¡± Jeff shouts. We wait for a response from Roc or Hayes, but nothing. They¡¯re making out. I open my eyes and see them. I¡¯m cold again. ¡°Let¡¯s call it quits guys.¡± I suggest. ¡°Calm down Little Richards.¡± Hayes jokes. He¡¯s holding onto Ro-chelle. They were both drinking, they were being careless. They¡¯re just hav-ing fun. I¡¯m feeling weird, seeing it all. I just want to go inside now. Instead, I say something stupid. ¡°Yeah. Don¡¯t fucking call me that Hayes.¡± I offend him. Everyone¡¯s quiet. ¡°Fine Al. Just so we¡¯re clear, you just cheated.¡± Rochelle jokes. ¡°Just so we¡¯re clear, your game is called ¡°Fuck¡± and ¡°You¡±, and you¡¯re worried about fairness? Makes sense.¡± I say. ¡°This is stupid. I¡¯m going inside.¡± I state. ¡°Just one more game Al?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°Fuck?¡± I wait around. Someone climbs out of the pool. Eyes closed I walk towards the dripping water, hitting the floor. ¡°Hayes, you¡¯re out.¡± I push him. When I open my eyes, both Hayes and Jeff are standing there. Hayes grabs my arms, Jeff grabs my legs, and they throw me in. Chapter 31: 16Come Back Please Chapter 31: 16Come Back Please About 10 seconds after Jeff kissed me on the lips he resurfaces. Jeff wins I go to say something, but water gets into my nose. To make things worse the coughing went on for more than 30 seconds, Jeff starts to worry. He guides me to the rim of the pool, where I finally stop. ¡°I focused on you.¡± He smiles. I swim closer to him and our wet lips collide. I lick the chlorinated water on my lips. He copies me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry aboutst week.¡± I smile. ¡°That wasst week. This is now.¡± Jeff says. He pecks my bottom lip. My face is beating. I wrap my arms around his neck, I want more of him. He hugs my waist. I haven¡¯t kissed anyone in years. We stare at each other, smiling. We get interrupted by Rochelle, and Hayes. ¡°What¡¯s going on over here?¡± Rochelleughs. ¡°Nothing.¡± I say. Sheughs and sshes us both. Jeff smiles at me when I look at him. ¡°Who¡¯s ready for Fuck and You?¡± She asks. This was Rochelle version of Marco Polo. Hayes and Rochelle start off as Fuck, Jeff and I are You. From there we start the game. It¡¯s slow paced at first. Rochelle and Hayes were taking their time, or they were buzzed. Some point in this round I make noise, Hayes is now hunting me. Hayes is right behind me. I move from one corner of the pool, to another corner. Eyes still closed, Hayes starts swimming towards me. Hayes is right in front of me. He shouts Marco, and Rochelle cor-rects him. ¡°Sorry, my mistake.¡± He smiles. I hear his faint sigh turn to aughter as he swims closer to me. ¡°Fuck?¡± He says. I stay quiet. I look at Hayes, he looks young, vulnerable, but happy. His soaked curly hair hangs, he huffs when he moves it from his face. ¡°You.¡± Jeff shouts, which scares me. Hayes is still frozen in front of me. Waiting for me to respond. ¡°Come on Alex, you have to say it back?¡± Hayes says. I nervously bite my lip, about to give up. Then Hayes starts to feel around the rim of the pool. He¡¯s inches away from me and says it again. I can feel his breath close to mine, but still I stay silent, tensing as his hands get closer to me. ¡°Fuck.¡± He slowly opens his eyes. ¡°You.¡± I say. For a moment everything goes quiet, it¡¯s now just me and Hayes. His smile warms me, that is before I ssh him in the face. ¡°Alex, what the fuck dude! You¡¯re fucking dubbing the game?¡± He covers his eyes, andughs. I swim to the edge and try to get out. But Hayes grabs me by the waist and pulls me back in. We both go under, and Hayes is still hold-ing onto me. Even when we reach the surface, he is still hugging me. I stopughing, and soon get uptight. ¡°Let go Hayes.¡± I push away from him. There¡¯s silence once again. Rochelle swims towards us. ¡°Ready to switch?¡± She asks. I nod and avoid eye contact with Hayes. Next time I smile at Jeff, he brushes me off. I get a brush off? Things were going so great though. FUCK. YOU. ¡°Fuck.¡± Jeff shouts. We wait for a response from Roc or Hayes, but nothing. They¡¯re making out. I open my eyes and see them. I¡¯m cold again. ¡°Let¡¯s call it quits guys.¡± I suggest. ¡°Calm down Little Richards.¡± Hayes jokes. He¡¯s holding onto Ro-chelle. They were both drinking, they were being careless. They¡¯re just hav-ing fun. I¡¯m feeling weird, seeing it all. I just want to go inside now. Instead, I say something stupid. ¡°Yeah. Don¡¯t fucking call me that Hayes.¡± I offend him. Everyone¡¯s quiet. ¡°Fine Al. Just so we¡¯re clear, you just cheated.¡± Rochelle jokes. ¡°Just so we¡¯re clear, your game is called ¡°Fuck¡± and ¡°You¡±, and you¡¯re worried about fairness? Makes sense.¡± I say. ¡°This is stupid. I¡¯m going inside.¡± I state. ¡°Just one more game Al?¡± Rochelle asks. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°Fuck?¡± I wait around. Someone climbs out of the pool. Eyes closed I walk towards the dripping water, hitting the floor. ¡°Hayes, you¡¯re out.¡± I push him. When I open my eyes, both Hayes and Jeff are standing there. Hayes grabs my arms, Jeff grabs my legs, and they throw me in. Chapter 32: 17You Should Know Chapter 32: 17You Should Know ¡°Oh,e on it was a joke Richards!¡± Hayes shouts to me as I get out of the pool. ¡°Fine, we¡¯re going in the Jacuzzi!¡± Rochelle says. Jeff follows behind me. ¡°Leave me alone Jeff!¡± I yell. ¡°Alex! Alex, slow down.¡± Jeff rushes after me. When I can no longer walk, I cover my face. He picks at my fingers, until our eyes meet. I hate that I¡¯m like this. I hate that things get to me, like this. ¡°Alex are you okay?¡± He asks. I shake my head, at the trigger words. ¡°I can¡¯t breathe. I think I¡¯m having a panic attack.¡± I say. I¡¯m pacing the living room, every few seconds I stop to catch my breath. Everything was too close, everything was too loud. My heart is rac-ing. The air is disappearing. ¡°Alex. What do I do?¡± Jeff stutters. I can¡¯t speak. Jeff shouts my name, I jump, I¡¯m scared. I am crying now. Jeff gives me a hug. My face is against his bare chest.N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°Thank you.¡± I say. He nods his head, and we both stare at each other. Tears still fall down my cheek when I kiss Jeff again. This time I wanted to stop my thoughts. More importantly, I want-ed Jeff to want me. We both walk over to the couch, and I climb on top of him, pressing both my lips, and body against his. I feel Jeff¡¯s tongue collide with mine. I¡¯m gliding my tongue against his still wet bottom lip. Jeff holds my upper back, then goes lower and lower until he reaches my waist. I kiss his neck andb his hair with my hands. Jeff calls my name, but I ignore him. I want to feel so into Jeff, as if I¡¯m in a trance. I¡¯m just forcing it though. I go for Jeff¡¯s shorts, but he grabs my hands, and inteces them with his. He calls me again, almost offended. I¡¯m still pressed against him. ¡°What?¡± I ask. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m not doing this.¡± He says. He lets go of my hands. ¡°What are you talking about?¡± I lie. ¡°I go to ask you what¡¯s wrong, then you throw yourself at me, and you just want to have sex? Right now?¡± He asks. He¡¯s serious, but I¡¯m nervous. I chew some popcorn, trying to calm myself, with the crunch. ¡°You hugged me.¡± I say. ¡°You were crying.¡± He says. ¡°Alex, we barely know each other.¡± Heughs. ¡°So.¡± I mumble. I¡¯m tracing my finger on his warm, bare chest. He keeps looking at me, he wants me to look at him. I can¡¯t, I¡¯m too ashamed. ¡°I thought you liked me?¡± I mumble. He sighs and tugs his hair. I lean closer to him. ¡°I do.¡± He¡¯s hesitant. ¡°But, I think you have feelings for someone else.¡± He says. He moves my messy hair from my face. I grab his hands and hold them. We¡¯re now face to face. ¡°Who are you talking about?¡± I ask. Jeff looks at me again, he¡¯s waiting for a kiss. He won¡¯t stopugh-ing, he won¡¯t stop staring at me. When I try to get up, Jeff pulls me closer to him. He¡¯s holding my lower waist, as I climb back on top of him. My legs wrap around him. We both want each other now. ¡°Do you want to finish the movie?¡± Jeff asks. I¡¯m pecking his neck as wereughing. He holds my waist again, as I thrust against his pelvis. He moans. He takes off my shirt, and I¡¯m guiding his hands against my bra, then under. Our bodies keep colliding, I y with the string on his shorts. The texture feels nice, I pull it more. Before we go too far, Rochelle barges into the living room. She¡¯s unwillingly tugging Hayes inside. We both say fuck in unison. I get off of Jeff and cover myself with a throw. I watch Jeff fix his shorts. I didn¡¯t want to stop. When our eyes meet again, Jeff is smiling a me. ¡°Stop.¡± Iugh. I nudge him, and he shakes his head, pulling me close. Everything about him, makes me want to live. Maybe this, can work. Rochelle and Hayes plop on the floor. For the rest of the night Jeff and I share the couch, while Hayes¡¯s heady on my dangling feet. Chapter 33: 17You Should Know Chapter 33: 17You Should Know ¡°Oh,e on it was a joke Richards!¡± Hayes shouts to me as I get out of the pool. ¡°Fine, we¡¯re going in the Jacuzzi!¡± Rochelle says. Jeff follows behind me. ¡°Leave me alone Jeff!¡± I yell. ¡°Alex! Alex, slow down.¡± Jeff rushes after me. When I can no longer walk, I cover my face. He picks at my fingers, until our eyes meet. I hate that I¡¯m like this. I hate that things get to me, like this. ¡°Alex are you okay?¡± He asks. I shake my head, at the trigger words. ¡°I can¡¯t breathe. I think I¡¯m having a panic attack.¡± I say. I¡¯m pacing the living room, every few seconds I stop to catch my breath. Everything was too close, everything was too loud. My heart is rac-ing. The air is disappearing. ¡°Alex. What do I do?¡± Jeff stutters. I can¡¯t speak. Jeff shouts my name, I jump, I¡¯m scared. I am crying now. Jeff gives me a hug. My face is against his bare chest. ¡°Thank you.¡± I say. He nods his head, and we both stare at each other. Tears still fall down my cheek when I kiss Jeff again. This time I wanted to stop my thoughts. More importantly, I want-ed Jeff to want me. We both walk over to the couch, and I climb on top of him, pressing both my lips, and body against his. I feel Jeff¡¯s tongue collide with mine. I¡¯m gliding my tongue against his still wet bottom lip. Jeff holds my upper back, then goes lower and lower until he reaches my waist. I kiss his neck andb his hair with my hands. Jeff calls my name, but I ignore him. I want to feel so into Jeff, as if I¡¯m in a trance. I¡¯m just forcing it though. I go for Jeff¡¯s shorts, but he grabs my hands, and inteces them with his. He calls me again, almost offended. I¡¯m still pressed against him. ¡°What?¡± I ask. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m not doing this.¡± He says. He lets go of my hands. ¡°What are you talking about?¡± I lie. ¡°I go to ask you what¡¯s wrong, then you throw yourself at me, and you just want to have sex? Right now?¡± He asks. He¡¯s serious, but I¡¯m nervous. I chew some popcorn, trying to calm myself, with the crunch. ¡°You hugged me.¡± I say. ¡°You were crying.¡± He says. ¡°Alex, we barely know each other.¡± Heughs. ¡°So.¡± I mumble. I¡¯m tracing my finger on his warm, bare chest. He keeps looking at me, he wants me to look at him. I can¡¯t, I¡¯m too ashamed. ¡°I thought you liked me?¡± I mumble. He sighs and tugs his hair. I lean closer to him. ¡°I do.¡± He¡¯s hesitant. ¡°But, I think you have feelings for someone else.¡± He says. He moves my messy hair from my face. I grab his hands and hold them. We¡¯re now face to face. ¡°Who are you talking about?¡± I ask. Jeff looks at me again, he¡¯s waiting for a kiss. He won¡¯t stopugh-ing, he won¡¯t stop staring at me. When I try to get up, Jeff pulls me closer to him. He¡¯s holding my lower waist, as I climb back on top of him. My legs wrap around him. We both want each other now. ¡°Do you want to finish the movie?¡± Jeff asks. I¡¯m pecking his neck as wereughing. He holds my waist again, as I thrust against his pelvis. He moans. He takes off my shirt, and I¡¯m guiding his hands against my bra, then under. Our bodies keep colliding, I y with the string on his shorts. The texture feels nice, I pull it more. Before we go too far, Rochelle barges into the living room. She¡¯s unwillingly tugging Hayes inside. We both say fuck in unison. I get off of Jeff and cover myself with a throw. I watch Jeff fix his shorts. I didn¡¯t want to stop. When our eyes meet again, Jeff is smiling a me. ¡°Stop.¡± Iugh. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. I nudge him, and he shakes his head, pulling me close. Everything about him, makes me want to live. Maybe this, can work. Rochelle and Hayes plop on the floor. For the rest of the night Jeff and I share the couch, while Hayes¡¯s heady on my dangling feet. Chapter 34: 18Our Parents Were Together Chapter 34: 18Our Parents Were Together I wake up before Jeff, gasping for air. I had another nightmare. It was of my mother. It was her face, her voice, her tears, her cries, and her screams. Now awake, I can still see her, when closing my eyes. It¡¯s a cold, burning after-image, that won¡¯t go away. There was another dream though. It was about Hayes. This made me feel even worse, because I felt this before. I¡¯m not supposed to feel this. I look at the stain on my pants. I feel sticky, and dirty, again. I want to cry for dreaming about Hayes that way. I¡¯m crying now. But, I make sure to cry far away from Jeff. I grab my bag from Rochelle¡¯s room. I see both her and Hayes cuddled together on her bed, they were still sleeping. I watch for a while, until it makes me sad. Content rights belong to N?velDrama.Org. The sun hasn¡¯t risen yet, the air was cold, and the room was blue, quiet, and lonely. When I get too sad, I go to the guest bathroom, and turn on the shower. The steam clouds the bathroom. It warms me. I drop my dirty clothes and stuff them in my bag. I¡¯m gross again, it feels like, I¡¯m a bad person for, feeling. I am a bad person. I get in the shower, and stand around for a while, hugging my-self. I¡¯m too afraid to close my eyes, too afraid to see the images of my mother. I¡¯m too ashamed of what I¡¯d dreamt of Hayes,st night. I¡¯m too sad to stand in the shower, I squat, when I want to cry. I¡¯m crying now. I cry for a while, letting the water wash away the tears. When the shower¡¯s over, I want the thoughts to be over, too. I want to hide this from everyone, even Rochelle. I¡¯m going to cre-ate another secret and lie, to cover, a darker one. I get out of the shower, but the sadness doesn¡¯t go away. I wrap myself in a towel and look for clothes. Each drawer I open in this bedroom, squeaks. Each squeak meant the drawer was empty. There¡¯s a mirror in front of me. I look at it, scrunching my hair. The pit in my stomach starts toe back. The air starts to fade. It was too quiet, the room was too green and dark, I was too much in my thoughts. I m the drawers, when I can¡¯t find anything. I didn¡¯t want to go back into Rochelle¡¯s room. It hurt too much. I hate that I felt this. I bite my lip and try to calm this panic I felt. ¡°Alex.¡± Hayes walks into the room. ¡°Are you okay?¡± He asks. I cover my face and shake my head. Hayes tries to hug me, but I push away. I give him a hug, once the tears start to fall. ¡°I don¡¯t know what¡¯s wrong with me.¡± I cry. ¡°It¡¯s okay Alex.¡± He says. As I¡¯m hugging Hayes, the water drips from my hair, onto Hayes¡¯s shirt, then disappear onto the white carpet. This calms me. He rubs my back, I feel his warmth through the towel. I get chills from the memories. I let go of him and wipe my face. ¡°I have to change.¡± I stutter. I grab my bag and leave him there. I go to Rochelle¡¯s room and grab clothes to wear. She¡¯s still asleep. I¡¯m wearing a hoodie, and sweats now. I changed in the washroom downstairs. I was too afraid to see Hayes again. I watch movies andy by Jeff¡¯s side, ying in his hair, until he wakes up. Chapter 35: 19That鈥檚 Why Your Mom Started To Drink Chapter 35: 19That¡¯s Why Your Mom Started To Drink When everyone¡¯s up, and it¡¯s not just Hayes and me, I was able to loosen up. Hayes hovered me, he was worried from earlier today. I didn¡¯t want him to worry, I shouldn¡¯t have hugged him. I¡¯ll try to keep my dis-tance. ¡°Let¡¯s get doughnuts, Little Richards.¡± Hayes says. Hayes tosses me his car keys. I look at Jeff. ¡°Jeff, you want to go with me?¡± I ask him. I look at Hayes, he smiles. It¡¯s forced, I can tell. ¡°Sure. Don¡¯t scratch it Little Richards.¡± He nudges me. I toss the keys to Jeff. ¡°I¡¯m a terrible driver.¡± Iugh. ¡°If that¡¯s okay?¡± Jeff asks. I look at Hayes, he¡¯s looks at me. I brush him off, because his warmness gives me chills. Hayes nods to Jeff. ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡± I say. We get in Hayes¡¯s car, and drive to Roger¡¯s Bakery. The entire ride is silent, I don¡¯t take my eyes off of Jeff though. The rain gets heavy, and I start to reminisce. ~~~~~ The sky was grey, the thunder shook the house. The lightning was bright. It was storm season in Versa. I was 11 years old. It was spring break. Ms. Bartley¡¯s car was in our driveway, I ran to the garage to see her. I hadn¡¯t seen her in months, I missed her. After Ms. Bartley found out about the affair, I thought she hated me. I still thought it was my fault, for everything. But it wasn¡¯t Ms. Bartley in our driveway, it was Mr. Bartley. I walk up to him, slowly. He quietly watches me, yet he doesn¡¯t say anything. He¡¯s slumped against the car. He is crying. I¡¯ve never seen him like this. I¡¯ve never looked at him for this long. My motheres out from behind me and hugs him. She starts to cry. I stepped out into the rain to ask him about Hayes. My pajamas are soaked now. My slippers are drenched in the warm rain. I felt but-terflies. I felt scared. Mr. Bartley ignores my questions. He keeps looking at me but won¡¯t say anything. I walk closer to them. I¡¯m close enough to hear everything, now. I¡¯m close enough to know why Mr. Bartley and my mother were crying. I¡¯m close enough to know what had happened to Timmy, at The Coast. Everything goes numb. A strong drop in my stomach pulses and doesn¡¯t go away. I cry. ¡°Alex, go inside!¡± My mother shouts to me. In shock, I do as I¡¯m told. ~~~~~ ¡°We¡¯re Here.¡± Jeff¡¯s voice wakes me up. It¡¯s pouring out now. Jeff parks far from cars, which meant we had to dash to the door. Once we get inside, our clothes are soaked, my slippers are full of water. They bring back memories. I press the water in my slippers, out onto theminated tile, in si-lence. The rain, buzzing lights, and un- needed ac, covered the noise. ¡°Hayes texted me, told me to get three weird doughnuts, for you.¡± Jeff smiles. ¡°I¡¯m not hungry.¡± I lie. ¡°Okay.¡± He says. Hands in pocket, he goes to order. Jeff orders a dozen doughnuts, including three for me, and two coffees. ¡°Here.¡± He hands me a coffee. ¡°Just ck. It will wake you up.¡± He says. I take the coffee and drink it. It burns my tongue. I hold the cup, it warms me in the cold bakery. When everything¡¯s ready, Jeff looks panicked. The heavy rain, a box of doughnuts, and driving a car that doesn¡¯t belong to him. He smiles through it though, which warms me even more. We open the bakery door, and I run to the car. Jeff walks, with one hand in pocket. I¡¯m sitting in the car, watching, andughing at Jeff. Eventual-ly, I go back out into the rain, to help him. The car goes silent when we get inside. Each time we make eye contact, weugh. The ride home wasn¡¯t quiet though, the rain was loud enough. The radio stayed off, until we reached Rochelle¡¯s. Jeff parks across the street. ¡°I don¡¯t want to go inside yet.¡± I tell him. He turns up the volume on the radio, and we sit in silence, watch-ing the rain, and watching each other. I bite my lip and kiss him. Our bodies collide again. I hear the doughnut box. I feel it crushing between our bodies. While we¡¯re kissing, I glide my hands down Jeff¡¯s pants. They glide over his briefs, then under. As the rain fell, I felt Jeff, and he felt me. We are now drenched in rain, sticky and wet. When we stop, our breaths are heavy, our lungs are stretched, and our bodies are buzzing. Jeff grabs the crushed doughnut box, and we race inside the house. I¡¯m happy now. I won. ¡°Where were you guys?¡± Rochelle asks. Jeff and I are still trying to catch our breaths. ¡°The rain got us.¡± Jeff exhales. I watch as he takes off his shirt and goes to the washroom. My eyes follow him, until I see Hayes. I¡¯m avoiding eye contact now. I toss him the wet keys and thank him. He¡¯s about to say some-thing, but I feel too embarrassed. So, I go to the kitchen. He follows me. ¡°How are you feeling?¡± He asks. He was clean, and dry. I was sticky, wet, and guilty. He looks worried, yet I dodge another conversation with him. I start to eat a doughnut, in front of Hayes. I feel better, my pulsing stomach is quieter. Followed by the rain vored, now cold coffee that aided my burnt tongue. It¡¯s bitter, and earthy. I like it. When there¡¯s too much silence between the two of us, I go upstairs, and put on some clothes Rochelle gave me. I¡¯m dressed in Rochelle¡¯s post freshmen cheer gear. I¡¯m wearing a school cheer hoodie, and neon teal shorts. ~~~~~ We were rained in most of the day, because it¡¯s storm season. It was movies, proid¡¯s, music, frozen pizza, and Rochelle¡¯s favor-ite, board games. I was glued to Jeff the entire time, and he was glued to me. He made me forget about a lot of things. When I¡¯m with Jeff, all I can feel, is him. I enjoy being around him. I really like him. Rochelle gave Jeff and I, googly eyes every minute. Hayes kept his distance, he was drinking a lot. Too much. Each time Hayes and I made eye contact, I¡¯d feel guilty. I¡¯d think about my dreamst night, I¡¯d think about my secrets. We passed the time and waited for the rain to stop. Once it did, we decided to eat out at a restaurant, one of the only restaurants, in Versa. There are no more than two real ¡°restaurants¡± in Versa. There is Rizzo¡¯s, and Fisherman Sea Side. We went to Rizzo¡¯s, which is on the waterfront. However, the rain smell, masked the garlic and pasta aroma. The restaurant looked vacant, and grey which made things feel, and look blue. It was too wet, and still too gloom to even call this a double ¡°date¡±. To even call Rizzo¡¯s, a restaurant. It¡¯s still better than sitting in silence, while I wait for everyone else to finish eating a shared, frozen pizza. We get a booth. It smells like purple cleaner. Jeff and I sit on one side, and Hayes and Rochelle sit across from us. The seats squeak, when we sit down. It¡¯s awkward again, but we order. They start to bring in the food. I asked for anything without meat, dairy, or eggs. They were nice enough to bring me a spinach sd with two cherry tomatoes on each side, and an almost raw, doughy bread stick. Even though this was a pizza, and pasta-based restaurant, this is all they ¡°had¡± for me. Some food gets passed out, and Hayes starts up again. He¡¯s buzzed. ¡°Did they give you dressing?¡± Heughs. ¡°Yep, olive oil pesto.¡± I say. Hayes takes his fork, grabs a cherry tomato from my te, smears it in the pesto, and eats it. I watch him silently. Everyone¡¯s quiet again. They watch Hayes, I bite my lip. ¡°I like cherries.¡± He jokes. He chews in Rochelle¡¯s ear, she pushes him. Sheughs aloud. I look away from Hayes and Rochelle when they kiss. Jeff holds my hand, he¡¯s looking at me. ¡°What did you get?¡± I smile. ¡°A sd.¡± He smiles back. Jeff starts to rub my bare thigh. My face beats. Hayes¡¯s foot hits mine under the table. I look at them kiss again, then back at my sd. I bite down on a lemon. Its bitter taste burns my lips, and my coffee burned tongued. I lick my bitter lips, when Jeff goes higher up my thigh. I can feel both Rochelle and Hayes¡¯s eyes on us. I hold Jeff¡¯s hand under the table, to stop him from going any higher. I look up at Hayes. He¡¯s not looking at me anymore. Jeff excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. It¡¯s now just the three of us. ¡°Did you guys have sex at the party, or something? He¡¯s like, to-tally glued to you.¡± Sheughs. I drink more water, my gulps fill the quiet restaurant. ¡°Did you have sexst night?!¡± She pries. I get too shy to talk about it. Hayes is staring at me now, not saying anything. I scrunch my hair. ¡°What did you get?¡± I ask Hayes. He ignores me and starts to trace circles on my ss cup instead. The waitress brings in a pizza. I tense and look at Hayes, he¡¯s smiling at me. He loves pizza, I hate it. I loved it once though. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. The smell brought back memories, sad memories, bad ones. Hayes grabs a slice, it¡¯s still piping hot. I can feel the heat from here. I watch Hayes put the slice on his te, he looks at me. I look away, upset. I hold my stomach, too sensitive to look at anyone now. I stare at my sd. I¡¯m sad now. I y with the stiff spinach, when I hear Rochelleughing. I can feel her wet shoes touch my bare shins under the table. She¡¯s doing something, to Hayes. I drop my fork. He¡¯s looking at me now, he¡¯s mad. I¡¯m about to cry, because the room is getting smaller, and I¡¯m starting to overthink past memories. Rochelle starts to kiss Hayes¡¯s neck; her hands are still under the table. My eyes start to water, I bite down on my lip, and pick my nails. I¡¯m trying to stop the tears. Hayes¡¯s voice is soft, he¡¯s hurt. He grabs Rochelle¡¯s hands, and tells her to stop. He gets up from the table and goes to the bathroom. I watch him. It¡¯s just Rochelle and me. She¡¯s quiet now, she¡¯s sad. I want to say something, but my voice is heavy, and sore. I knew if I tried to say anything, I¡¯d cry. So, I stay silent. ¡°He¡¯s so uptighttely.¡± She says. ¡°Why?¡± Is all I can get out. ¡°I think it¡¯s Kakalina.¡± She mumbles. She gets up from the table and goes into the same bathroom as Hayes. Kakalina Jeffes back to the table, he looks dewy. ¡°I¡¯m not hungry.¡± Jeff says. ¡°Me neither.¡± I say. ¡°Are you okay?¡± I ask him. ¡°I think I¡¯m sick.¡± He says. Why aren¡¯t you eating?¡± He asks. ¡°I think I¡¯m sick too.¡± I say. The guilt made me sick, the lies made me feel sick. The habit I thought I had under control, makes me too sick to eat anything. I fucking hate pizza. The restaurant starts to y music, when the blowing fans, stop. The music is lighter than the mood before, not much, but better than the silence. Even though the sky was getting darker, the mood was getting lighter. The gloom was almost gone, and the aromas are heavy again. They finally turn on lights, when more people start toe in. My eyes are glued to the bathroom still. I can only think of Ro-chelle and Hayes. They weren¡¯t in the bathroom long, but it felt long to me. It made me sick. The waiter takes both Jeff¡¯s and my un-touched sd away. Jeff¡¯s holding my hand under the table, he¡¯s leaned against me. He¡¯s tired. I keep watching the bathroom. Finally, it swings open, and Hayeses out. His face is red, he keeps moving his hair. I sit up, waking Jeff. I haven¡¯t seen him this mad since Rochelle¡¯s house, when I used him of cheating. He ignores me when I call him. He leaves the restaurant. Ro-chellees from the bathroom and sits back down at the table. She picks at Hayes¡¯s pizza in silence. She¡¯s trying to hide the fact, that she was crying. I look at her, a sleepy Jeff, then at Hayes, who¡¯s outside. I get up and go outside. ¡°Hayes! What¡¯s going on? What did you do to Rochelle?¡± I ask him. He¡¯s touching his hair, trying to smile. ¡°I just wasn¡¯t feeling it today Alex. Go back inside.¡± He says. He looks so hurt I want to cry for him. I want to hug him too, but I can see Rochelle through the window, Hayes looks at Rochelle and gets more uptight. ¡°Seriously Alex, leave me alone, alright?!¡± He says. ¡°You¡¯ve been acting weird all day? You don¡¯t get to avoid this?¡± I say. ¡°Oh, just me? You cry in my arms this morning, then ignore me all day. You hug me, but I can¡¯t hug you back, or even talk to you.¡± He says. ¡°That¡¯s different.¡± I mumble. ¡°You can¡¯t drive Hayes, you¡¯ve been drinking. I¡¯ll drive you home.¡± I say. I grab the keys from his hand. ¡°Why do you care?¡± He asks. I try to hold his hand, but he steps back. ¡°What the fuck is going on with you?!? Is it Kakalina?¡± I ask. Heughs. ¡°Of course, Rochelle told you. You two tell each other every-thing, huh?¡± He asks. ¡°Does she know about us?¡± He asks. ¡°Of course not. Another one of your secrets, huh?¡± He says. A cab pulls into the restaurant parking lot. Hayes gets inside, and it drives off. I fiddle his keys in my hand and wipe my eyes before I go back in-side. ¡°Ready to go?¡± I ask. Rochelle is standing by the door, Jeff is still asleep in the booth. Chapter 36: 20Its All My Fault Chapter 36: 20Its All My Fault A couple of weeks passed, spring break wasing up. It gets bad for the Richards and Bartley¡¯s around this time. Not that I will be seeing the Bartley¡¯s any time soon. After the restaurant date, everyone was distant. Rochelle wasn¡¯t responding to my texts. Hayes was MIA, all around. Jeff was still sick. I now stay cooped in my room, avoiding too much. The weather put me in another state, it felt like it encouraged me to feel blue, grey, mute, and sad. The lies, secrets, and memories flood my mind so much, I feel too guilty to even go downstairs. I know that if I do, I¡¯ll see her bedroom. I know it¡¯ll make me cry. I just got out of the shower, water from my hair drips on my toes. I stand in the upstairs hallway, wrapped in a towel. ¡°Jake bring me the ice cream!¡± I shout. One of the only reasons Ie out of my room. ¡°We¡¯re out. You ate it all, pig.¡± I can hear hisugh from the kitch-en. At least he was happier than me. I go back into my room. I drop my towel and see the habit start to consume me, again. Ice cream helped, all I needed was ice cream. I brush my wet hair, put on sweat pants, and an oversized hoodie to keep me warm. I tug my hair behind my head to stop the water from dripping onto my pants. The water soaks my grey hoodie. I tip toe downstairs for the first time in a while. My bare feet touch the cold tiles, when I reach the kitchen. They send chills down my spine. Jake¡¯s there in the kitchen, he¡¯s dressed enough for me to know, that he was going out tonight. I open the freezer and see we¡¯re all out of ice cream. ¡°I told you.¡± He smiles. ¡°I hate you.¡± I say. I look at her bedroom in the corner of the room, next to the kitch-en, closest to theundry room. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to that party with Rochelle today? Why are you trying to binge on ice cream?¡± He asks. He was worried, even though heughs at his own joke. ¡°I¡¯m sick.¡± I say. ¡°That wasst week.¡± He says. ¡°Rochelle didn¡¯t invite me anyways.¡± I say. I¡¯m too sad for Jake right now. I can¡¯t be sad around Jake. ¡°Where are you going?¡± I ask. ¡°To the party.¡± He says. ¡°Can you take me.¡± I ask. I needed more ice cream. ¡°No, I¡¯m not taking you to the store to go get ice cream. I¡¯ll get you some real food, though.¡± He says. ¡°Or you can just wait for the pizza I ordered for you toe.¡± Jake smiles at me. ¡°Look at you, being a brother for once.¡± I joke. Hisugh makes me feel better. I wanted him to stay, I wanted to talk to him about mom. I wanted to tell him the secret I kept from him, the secret that was eating me alive. The secret about him. ¡°I¡¯m heading out, okay?¡± He says. ¡°Jake. Are you taking them?¡± I ask. His smile shrinks. My words hurt him, I could tell. ¡°Alcohol does the job.¡± He jokes. I don¡¯tugh. ¡°Jake. I¡¯m serious.¡± I say. ¡°Come on, Alex. You know you can¡¯t drink and take them. That¡¯s like, suicide.¡± He says. I tense at his words. ¡°Be careful, okay?¡± I say to him. ¡°You too.¡± He says. ¡°I love you.¡± I say. Content rights belong to N?velDrama.Org. ¡°I¡¯m not saying that.¡± Heughs. I smile at hisment. Chapter 37: 21I Knew The Entire Time Chapter 37: 21I Knew The Entire Time The room goes quiet. I¡¯m still in the kitchen, frozen, and wet. The water from my hair, now drips on the N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. kitchen floor. I open the freezer, just to double check, even though I know there¡¯s no ice cream left. But, with the freezer door open, it stops me from see-ing her room. I go upstairs, grab my bag, MP3 yer, headphones, and my cam-era. I can¡¯t spend another night in the house alone, not again. My car was in the shop, so I call a cab and go downtown. ~~~~ There were lights, people,ughter, and enough life to stop the thoughts. The wind blows, and the air is misty. That¡¯s Versa for you. With my camera, I take photos of people without their permission. They look happy. It seemed like they were in a different world then me, a better one. I stay downtown long enough to discover they had ice cream, that I could eat. Taste like sugar-soaked vani, but it did the job. When the lights in the town start to turn off, I start to walk home. I look at brown cement the entire time, while I listen to my head-phones, and y a game with the sidewalk. I avoided the lines on the sidewalk, the lines were my secrets. If I stepped on a line, then I had to say a secret out loud. I don¡¯t get too far, before I step on a line. I let a secret out. I could blurt them loud, and feel better. The headphones were in, the music was loud. Another line. Another secret. The next secret is about Hayes. I go to blurt it, when a car passes me fast. It scares me. I look at my feet again, I feel paranoid. Did the person in the car hear my secrets? Will this travel around town too? Another thing with the Bartley¡¯s and Richards, more drama again. Because of me. I stop the game, and instead pick at my nails, while the music-forts me. I can see my shadow on the sidewalk, the car stopped ahead of me. Yet, I keep walking. The car honks, and I take out my headphones. ¡°Get in¡± Chapter 38: 22Please Forgive Me Chapter 38: 22Please Forgive Me I sit in his passenger seat, while Hayes drives. When he saw me walking thiste, he offered to take me home. I said no, more than once. I didn¡¯t want to be in that car with him. I didn¡¯t want to be near him. I gave in after a while though. The ride is quiet, but there¡¯s always Hayes¡¯s music, to fill the si-lence. ¡°Are you feeling better?¡± He asks me. I¡¯m nervous. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. ¡°Yeah.¡± I lie. ¡°How about you?¡± I ask him after more silence. ¡°Yeah.¡± He says. He looked better, but his voice was sad though. I look at the steering wheel and remember what Jeff and I did in Hayes¡¯s car, not too long ago. I feel guilty again. We drive around for a while, I watch the street lights change. The changing lights are like dominos. ¡°Alex.¡± Hayes repeatedly calls my name. I ignore him and face the window instead. He starts to honk his horn, until I respond to him. I cover my ears for a while, still turned to the window. It starts to get funny when it goes on for more than 2 minutes. ¡°Hayes. Stop doing that.¡± I grab his hand on the wheel andugh for the first time in a while. He honks it again. ¡°I see you Hayes! What do you want?!¡± Iugh. He could make me smile and break my heart at the same time. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Little Richards.¡± He smiles. I squeeze my sleeves, and nod. There¡¯s more silence between the two of us. My eyes aren¡¯t glued to the window anymore, though. We¡¯d asionally look at each other. I¡¯d smile at Hayes, when he¡¯d nod to the music. He¡¯d smile back. After a while, everything went silent again. We are now close, to our street. The car slows down, I can hear the tires against the wet pave-ment. Hayes stops the car and turns down the music. ¡°I want to show you something.¡± He whispers. Iugh. ¡°Why are you talking like that?¡± I whisper back. ¡°Do you want to go home, Little Richards?¡± He whispers. I whisper back to him. ¡°No.¡± I say. He can¡¯t shake his smile, it makes me happy. He turns the volume up on the radio again, and we just drive. Chapter 39: 23It was Late when Chapter 39: 23It was Late when We¡¯re are parked on a dirt road, outside of town. We could see Ver-sa, from this hill, it was on the valley to another town. It was just Hayes and I, and asional passing cars, that¡¯d spit rocks at us. Hayes stopped at a gas station and brought snacks before we came up here. The view was enough to feed me though. The dirt road was in front of a hill that leads into, a forest. I¡¯ve never seen this ce before, it¡¯s beautiful. The stars were bright, but Hayes uses his car as a shlight. The blue from the dark sky, set the mood. I felt so nostalgic, that I couldn¡¯t feel anything but that. The green from the trees in the distance, smells fresh, feels cool but not ice cold, and they smell free. The trees are gi-antspared to anything in the distance, taller than the hill behind us. They areforting. Things like this. Things like this, is what make life, perfect. No mat-ter what¡¯s going on, if you stop a moment, and think. You¡¯ll realize, life is fucking great, even the shitty parts. Life is life. ¡°Thanks for bringing me here.¡± I say to Hayes. We¡¯re both sitting on his roof, eating trail mix. ¡°Yeah. I knew you¡¯d like it.¡± He¡¯s quiet after that. There¡¯s natural silence, but but just looking at Hayes, and feel-ing this way. I wanted to hear his voice again. ¡°How did you find this.¡± I ask. ¡°When I got back. My mom.¡± He stops. I look at him, he looks sad. I¡¯m scared Ms. Kristen is a sensitive topic for many reasons. I was now overthinking this entire night. Did his mom say something, tell him a secret? Does he know about everything? Is that why we are here? ¡°When I got back, she was pretty messed up Alex. She said some stuff to me, treated me like shit.¡± His voice is raspy again. He keeps clearing it. ¡°Why?¡± I ask. ¡°I think, when I first got back, she was scared of me.¡± He says. ¡°I think she thought, that I was someone else.¡± I can feel his sadness. ¡°That¡¯s why she called the cops on me, you know? She thought I was him. Too drunk to even see me, for me. Saw me through him. I wish she¡¯d get better.¡± He says. Chills ride my back, this was too deep for the both of us to talk about. If we keep on with this conversation, secrets would soone out. There would be no turning back. ¡°Hayes.¡± He touches my hand. Our shoes tap each other¡¯s. ¡°After she called the cops. When I got out, I was going to leave Ver-sa again.¡± He says. I lean into him, our shoulders are touching, we feel each other¡¯s warmth. ¡°I got this far.¡± He smiles. I stay silent. I watch his eyes, I enjoy his voice. ¡°I couldn¡¯t leave again.¡± He says. ¡°I promised you.¡± I lean off of him. I can¡¯t get anything else out, but his name. He grabs trail mix from my hands. ¡°Why?¡± I ask. My throat is raw, I want to cry. I want to hug him, I want to, hold him. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°You¡¯re my best friend Alex¡± I hear the trail mix break down in his mouth. I watch his clenched jaw. ¡°I want to see Timmy soon.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯ll go with you.¡± I say. ¡°I kind of want to see him alone.¡± His voice is soft. After a long silence, Hayes stretches, tries to lighten the mood. He smiles. ¡°I need a drink.¡± He says. ¡°Let¡¯s go get one.¡± I say. ¡°No, I¡¯m driving.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯ll drive. I stopped drinking.¡± I say. ¡°Me too.¡± He says. ¡°Trying. I¡¯m trying to stop drinking. I¡¯m not supposed to drink an-yways. It fucks up my liver.¡± He says. ¡°Why, what¡¯s wrong with your liver?¡± I turn to him. ¡°Nothing, don¡¯t worry about , Little Richards.¡± He doesn¡¯t look at me. ¡°Good for you.¡± I nudge him. ¡°It makes me act like a fucking dick.¡± Heughs. ¡°Yes, it does!¡±ugh. ¡°We¡¯re pretty fucked up, huh?¡± Hayesughs. I nod,ughing with him. More cars pass, I can hear crickets when the cars, get far enough away. I slide off of the car, Hayeses down after. We lean on the hood of his car, close to each other. ¡°Hayes. Why did youe back to Versa?¡± I ask. He doesn¡¯t re-spond. I nudge him, and he forces a smile. This makes me nervous. ¡°Come on, you stayed for me. Why did youe back in the first ce?¡± I ask. I want to smile, but I want to smile, but Hayes looks sad again. ¡°Hayes.¡± I nudge him. He bites down hard, on his lip. He looks like he is about to cry. I get butterflies in my stomach, because Hayes¡¯s silent. He¡¯s acting weird. Does he know a secret? He clenches his jaw again. I reach my shaking hands and move his wild hair from his face. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I say. We¡¯re close. Our bare skin is touching one another¡¯s. I want to hug him, but I¡¯m scared. I¡¯m so fucking scared right now. ¡°Can I give you a hug?¡± I¡¯m crying. Hayes hasn¡¯t started crying yet, but knowing he wants to, makes me cry. ¡°Why are you crying?¡± Heughs. Iugh and cover my face. ¡°I¡¯m sad, for both of us.¡± My voice is muffled by my sleeve. He grabs my hands and pulls me into him. I hug his warm body. I could feel his breath. I could feel his warm body against mine. We haven¡¯t been this close, in years. We haven¡¯t hugged, in years. We sway back and forth, and Hayes rubs my back. I stop crying. ¡°Better?¡± He asks. We¡¯re both looking at each other, our faces are close. I should let go now. I should let go, but I don¡¯t want to. I want to hold him forever. ¡°Hayes.¡± I lean in more as I call his name. I can¡¯t stop. Hayes won¡¯t say anything, and I can¡¯t stop. My lips meet his, for a split second. All it took was a second. In that split second, I fucked everything up. Chapter 40: 24I Kissed You In Your Sleep Chapter 40: 24I Kissed You In Your Sleep ¡°Hayes.¡± I get closer and closer. Hayes isn¡¯t saying anything. He¡¯s just ying in my hair. So, I lean in and kiss him. He immediately backs away and lets go of me. He¡¯s upset. ¡°Alex what the fuck.¡± He grabs his hair and wipes his lips. His voice is soft, but raspy. ¡°I followed my heart.¡± I say. He¡¯s still close to me. ¡°You just fucking ruined everything.¡± Hayes says. ¡°Likest time?¡± I ask. I knew he¡¯d keep this a secret, just likest time, right? He has to. He doesn¡¯t look at me. The pit in my stomach pulses. ¡°Hayes, I¡¯m sorry!¡± cry.Water fills my eyes. I don¡¯t fight them. ¡°No. This time Alex, you crossed the line.¡± He says, he wipes his face. Seeing him cry, makes me cry. ¡°Hayes, talk to me.¡± I say, but he won¡¯t . I grab his hand, bubut he pulls away. He goes back to cleaning up, and putting stuff in the car, passing me every time. Ignoring me, every time. ¡°You didn¡¯t want this?¡± I ask. ¡°Grab your stuff, I¡¯m taking you home.¡± I grab my stuff and throw it in the car. ¡°Why did youe back to Versa, huh? Not for Rochelle, I know that.¡± I say, but he still ignores me. The pit in my stomach deepens, my heart aches. ¡°Fuck this, I tried. I didn¡¯t even want to get in the car with you.¡± I say. He finally looks at me. ¡°You drive me all the way up here, and what? We have history, what¡¯d you think would happen?¡± ¡°What about the party?¡± I say.I can¡¯t look at Hayes for too long. I see tears on his face. ¡°I¡¯ll call a cab, it¡¯s fine. I don¡¯t want to be in the same fucking car with you, again!¡± I shout. I take Hayes¡¯s phone, m the car door, and start walking farther away. Hayeses up from behind me, and snatches the phone from my hand, and hangs up. ¡°Get in the car Alex!¡± He shouts. ¡°I fucking hate you!¡± I say to him. ¡°Say that again? Tell me, that what you just did was okay? Come on, tell me one of those secrets,, Little Richards. I¡¯ll drop it, I¡¯ll drop it all. Just tell me the fucking truth, for once.¡± He says. I stay silent. I don¡¯t stop the tears, they rush out. Hayes is close again, he¡¯s so angry, this hurt me too much. I¡¯ve never seen him this hurt, ever. Everything happy tonight, was leaving my mind. ¡°No!¡± I yell at him. ¡°You¡¯re such a fucking liar Alex!¡± His voice makes me jump. Everything is ruined. He¡¯s ruined me again. I hate myself now. I want Hayes to hate me. I want him to hate me, because I can never hate him. I love him too much. ¡°I had sex with Jeff. In your car!¡± I yell. I cover my mouth with my sleeve seconds after I say it. I regret say-ing it. ¡°That day we got doughnuts, I fucked him. There¡¯s the truth.¡± I say. ¡°Do you hate me, now?¡± I ask him. Hayes turns away from me, grabbing at his hair. He goes to his car, and calls someone. 20 minutes have gone by. Hayes is still in his car, I¡¯m standing in the same spot. A car passes us, then stops. Then pulls onto the dirt road. I listen to the gritty noises the dirt made from the car¡¯s tires. It¡¯s a cab. I walk towards it and open the door. Hayes gets out of his car and tosses me his keys. We don¡¯t exchange looks or speak to each other. I knew this gesture meant he was taking a cab, and I was taking his car. We were both out of words to say to each other. He gets into the cab. The cab¡¯s low hum didn¡¯t cover up the conver-sation between Hayes and the driver. I heard it all. ¡°Where?¡± The driver asked. ¡°Shiloh Ridge.¡± Hayes says. I tense. That was a few cities from here. Hayes was leaving Versa. I hold my stomach and break down as soon as they drive off. I get in Hayes¡¯s car, shut all the doors, and st the radio. Then I yell and scream so loud, my throat was too numb to hurt. ~~~~~ I was 11, it was two months after Timmy had passed. Hayes just got back from wherever his parents sent him of to, while they settled their split. Just too fucking sad, and stressful for a kid to experience, on top of losing his brother. It was too much, for anyone. When Hayes dide back, he stayed with us. Since I was usually the only one home on a Friday night, and Hayes¡¯s friends were too scared to ept him. It was just Hayes and me together, always. We were young, and curious. I was curious. My mother was out, the house was empty, it was just the two of us. We stayed in, made food, built a fort on the floor, and watched movies. I was getting older. Hayes was getting older. In the middle of the night, I had another nightmare. I get night-mares often. This time I had someone to He was asleep. I was awake. He wakes up tofort me. He rubs my back, holds my hand, then falls Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. back asleep. I wasying by his side, on the floor, in our fort. The lights were off. The movie was still going. The noise on the T.V was mute to me, all I felt was the static. I felt grey again. I cry to myself at 11 years old. ming myself for the death of Hayes¡¯s brother. For ruining what my mother, and Mr. Bartley had, even though it was wrong. For lying to Ms. Kristen. For not telling Hayes, my best friend, about any of it. I med myself for keeping the secret that ruined everything, and everyone I loved. I cry silently to myself. When I could, I¡¯d look at Hayes and feel better, calmer than before. He anchored me through the feeling of eve-rything. I had no one else. I loved Hayes for being my best friend. I loved Hayes. I was in love with Hayes, since the first day I met him. So, when he¡¯s asleep I lean into him. I¡¯m so close I feel his warm body. I move his curly, long hair from his face, and I kiss him on the lips at 11 years old. Another secret. The least harmful. I was a child. At that time, I didn¡¯t know it, but I was falling for my next-door neighbor. I loved him more, and more each day. The love for him, carried my secrets, kept them safe. But, doing this, created more secrets. Secrets I still keep. Secrets between Hayes and me. Secrets that killed, more than twice. Three lives. I shouldn¡¯t have kissed him that day. I shouldn¡¯t have kissed him again. I shouldn¡¯t have read his letter. I should¡¯ve never written one. ~~~~~ Life is still beautiful though, I want to hate it. I love life, and I love Hayes. My hoodie is drenched in wet secrets now I start the car and drive back to Versa. I¡¯m too sad to go home though, instead I park at Versa Coast. I was too scared to sleep. I was too scared to think about the past. Too scared to think of my true thoughts, my secrets. All I could do, was cry. Cry until I shut my eyes. Chapter 41: 25I Don鈥檛 Know Why Chapter 41: 25I Don¡¯t Know Why Life after I fucked up everything, again. I¡¯m back to living more lies, back to memories from the past that make me sick to my stomach. Back to smiling, behind the tears. Back to, the red room to develop my secrets. Back to, avoiding food. All because, of Hayes. He wasn¡¯t to me, I choose to feel this way. Because I can¡¯t hate him, I me Hayes, for loving him too much. Hayes knows I love him, or he should. I know kissing him was wrong, for more than one reason. I knew he was with Rochelle and did it anyways. It was the secret that I was keeping, that made what I did, even worse. It would make Hayes¡¯s reaction small. It would make me, sick. Our lips have met before, but that was a different time. I feel gross again. That night when Hayes went to Shiloh Ridge, I wanted to fol-low him. I wanted to drive around that town, in his car and find him. Make sure he was okay, even though I knew he wasn¡¯t. I wanted to hold him, I wanted him to hold me like when we were younger. I wanted him to rub my back and make me feel better. He¡¯ll never do that again. I most-likely, won¡¯t see him ever again. It¡¯s been weeks, and his car that I parked out front for him, hasn¡¯t moved. Hayes hasn¡¯te back to Versa yet, he might nevere back. It took him 3 years for me to see him again, to hear him again, to hold him again. If he everes back, I¡¯ll be long gone. These thoughts are what keep me up at night. These thoughts are what feed the butterflies in my stomach. I feared the worst, with a guilty conscious. ~~~~~ A teacheres from out of nowhere and wakes me up. ¡°Alex. Alex, honey.¡± She says. I was sleeping in the red room at school. I was waiting for my pho-tos to develop. ¡°Honey, it¡¯s time to go home.¡± The teacher says. ¡°What time is it?¡± I ask. ¡°Nine-o-clock at night, sweetie.¡± Her voice was soft. I didn¡¯t like her calm voice, it was too simr, to my mothers. I leave school, and drive home. ~~~~~ A lot has changed in such short time. After I kissed Hayes, I talked to Rochelle. I wasn¡¯t going to tell her about the kiss, of course. I keep too many secrets, to even let one out. Even if Content rights belong to N?velDrama.Org. it¡¯s Rochelle. So, after a week or so, I stopped going to her parties. I stopped talk-ing to her in school, and out of school. I lied and told her I had to work on college stuff, when really, I felt too guilty to be around her. There was Jeff. When he recovered, he texted me, but I never responded. I feel so isted, again. It feels like Christmas again, but without the music, without the lights, just the mutedughs, and the freezing cold. I¡¯m so cold, without Hayes. I¡¯m too blue. More sad memoriese to me. ~~~~~ A week after she passed. It was green, red and gold all over. It felt blue, grey, and cold though. All of the siblings were together, but we were too sad to celebrate the holiday. We tried drowning the mood with Christmas music, we tried open-ing presents. Nothing was working. It was just cold, and minimal warmth from the firece. Mostly cold casseroles by our older neighbors next door fill, our fridge. Even though our fridge was filled with food from others, from the funeral. Jack orders two pizzas for us. We sit in the living room and eat in silence. I love pizza now, because Hayes loves pizza. He came to her funeral, and I saw him. I haven¡¯t seen him in, 3 years. Hearing his voice on the phone when he called me on Christ-mas, gave me warmth. He said he¡¯d move back to Versa next month for me. When the New Year rolled around, there was no Hayes. All there was, was our neighbors¡¯ cold casserole again. He wasn¡¯ting back to Versa. Even when I needed him the most. ~~~~~ It felt like Christmas again. I needed to hear Hayes¡¯s voice to keep me warm now. I needed to tell him the truth. I needed to tell him why I liked pizza so much back then. But Hayes wasn¡¯ting back. This time I think, for good. Chapter 42: 26Please Don鈥檛 Be Mad At Me Chapter 42: 26Please Don¡¯t Be Mad At Me I was finally going out this weekend. The house was quiet again, not empty though. ¡°So, we want a side of fries with that. Emma wants Italian dressing for her sd.¡± Jake says. It was a Friday night, Jake and Emma were staying in. I offered to go get them food. Jake, Emma, and me crowd the ind table for no reason. Emma¡¯s staring at me, while she eats from the bowl of popcorn on the table. Her crunches grow more intense, the longer we keep eye contact. She¡¯s still silent. Her red bangs cover her eyes. She keeps fixing her car-digan. ¡°I got it Jake, thanks.¡± I say. ¡°What about you?¡± He asks me. I look at Emma, then him. I knew why he asked me this. I wasn¡¯t eating, and it was obvious. I was lying to everyone, and it was obvious. ¡°Why do you think I offered to go and get you food?¡± My voice is weak. ¡°For vitamin D?¡± He jokes. Emma giggles. She¡¯s picking through the popcorn bowl. I was too sad to smile at his joke, I nod instead. I put on my hat, then my hood. I leave the kitchen and head to my car in the garage. I park it in the garage now, because I can¡¯t look at Hayes¡¯s car for too long. I pull off, and head to the pizza ce, even though I hate pizza. There was a reason I offered. The pizza ce is close to Shiloh Ridge, closer to Hayes. If he was still there, I could see him. ~~~~~ I wait in my car for a while, and watch peoplee in and out of the pizza ce. I wanted Hayes to see him, I wanted him to like me again. He wasn¡¯t there. I don¡¯t know, where he is. I get out of my car and go inside. It¡¯s warm, I can smell the sticky pasta sauce in the air. I can feel the warmth of the ovens; the sour bitter cheese was too yellow. The smell was overwhelming. This was bringing back memories, bad ones. A little kid is waiting in line with his parent. He sticks his tongue out at me. Someonees from behind and gives me a hug. I bite down on my lip, and smile. ¡°Hayes?¡± I ask. The person is quiet, I turn around. ¡°Hey Alex.¡± He says. It¡¯s Jeff. His smiled warmed me for a short time. I was hurt that it wasn¡¯t Hayes. I was so hurt that I wanted to cry, but I hide it. I force a smile at Jeff. ¡°How are you?¡± He asks. He¡¯s smiling, he¡¯s happy. His foot was wrapped, he had a crutch in one hand. ¡°It¡¯s a sprain. You should see the other guy.¡± His words are soft. He¡¯s so calm. ¡°Lucky you.¡± I joke. Heughs. We were in a conversation, things were going better then I¡¯d hope. The cashier calls Jeff¡¯s name. Everything goes quiet again. I watch as Jeff slowly makes his way over to the cashier. His wrapped foot is in a sandal. He drags the rubber sandal on theminat-ed floor. I hear it squeak. He rests his crutch against the counter. He goes to pay, when it falls onto the ground. The wood from the crutch sounds like it split. I go to pick it up, and get some wood stuck in my finger. The slinter is deep. ¡°Thanks. I don¡¯t like taking this thing around. ¡°He says. Seeing him frustrated, made me want him. For a second, it made me forget about Hayes. Whenever I¡¯m with Jeff, I don¡¯t think about a lot of things. ¡°What are you doing in Orca?¡± He asks. Orca Manchester, the town next to Versa. Also, the town next to Shiloh Ridge. I had history with Orca. I get nervous. ¡°Buying some food for Jake.¡± I say. The way he¡¯s looking at me, I can¡¯t help but smile. He looks at his boxes of pizzas, there are more than three. ¡°Throwing a party?¡± I ask. I grab two boxes from him. ¡°Thecrosse team is, I¡¯m paying.¡± He says. A ck truck parked out front honks at us. Jeff flips the driver off. ¡°Those jerks.¡± Heughs. I help him carry the pizzas to the truck full of empty-handed boys. The loud music lowers. I hear them whispering about me. Everyone knew about the Richards, and the Bartley¡¯s. All for the wrong reasons. I stay silent and hand the boxes to a scared freshman in the back seat. He smiles at me. The guy in the front seat says something stupid. Jeff ms the door. It¡¯s just Jeff and I now, he¡¯s smiling at me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for not texting you back.¡± I say. He nods. ¡°I¡¯m just d to see your face.¡± He inteces our fingers, before stealing a hair tie on my wrist. My hood falls down, he keeps looking at me. He won¡¯t stop, un-til I smile. He goes to kiss me, I lean into him. We¡¯re both slumped against this truck. The driver in the truck honks, thecrosse guys hoot. I stop kissing Jeff. Hands behind my back, I pick at the splinter again. ¡°I should go back inside.¡± I say. He smiles, before putting my hood back on. ¡°Alright. I¡¯ll see you around Alex.¡± He says. He gets in the passenger seat of the truck. I go back inside, and watch the ck truck pull off. The little kid, and his parent are leaving now. The little kid steps on my foot, on their way out. Through the window, he sticks out his tongue at me again. Finally, I stick my tongue back at the little kid. He smiles. ~~~~ I start up my car again and drive. For a while I force myself to not drive through Shiloh to look for Hayes, no matter how bad I want-ed to. Being away from Versa, I had a new perspective of it all. I didn¡¯t feel as bad as before. I didn¡¯t hate what I did. I epted it more now. I was away for Versa for only a little, and I thought differently. My thoughts are looser away from Versa, they are more alive. This is why I have to get out of Versa, before it swallows me whole. No matter how much Versaforts me, it destroys me more. So, when I finally find my way back to Versa, I don¡¯t go home. I go to Jeff¡¯s house, instead. What are you doing tonight? -Alex House Arrest. -Jeff I stand at his front door for a while, food in hand. I was nervous. I didn¡¯t know if he was actually home. I wasn¡¯t sure, if he wanted-pany. I pick my splinter again, then ring the doorbell. There¡¯s silence for a while. I can hear birds chirping, once the doorbell jingle fades. I ring it again. Jeff hasn¡¯te to the door. The wait gave me butterflies, a bearable sensation. The chills came next. I bite down on my lip, and head for my car. ¡°Alex!¡± Jeff opens the front door. Both crutches in his hand. ¡°Sorry, I was upstairs.¡± He smiles. ~~~~ I didn¡¯t feel lonely anymore. Jeff and I now sit together in his living room. My cold food I brought,y out on the coffee table, buffet style. My feet were up, socks tickling Jeff. He was eating the cold fries, looking at me every other second, smiling. ¡°Stop doing that.¡± I smile. He gets shy and finally looks away. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. He made me feelfortable. Made me feel alive. So alive that I pick at the sd I ordered for Emma. I pick at it, before eating some, but I couldn¡¯t stop eating it. ¡°Look at you.¡± He rubs my socks, it warms my feet. I stop eating to look at Jeff again. His hair was tied up, in my hair tie. I wanted Jeff again. I wanted Jeff, for making me smile, for making me feel happy. For taking the cold pain inside, the pit, away. The crutches fall on his feet when he leans in to kiss me. I put the sd on the table and take off my jacket to feel his warm body against mine. Heys on top of me, my bare legs grope his waist. When I press into him, he groans. His breath is heavy. He stops to breathe. I press my lips against his neck. Chills coat his skin. I take off his shirt, to kiss lower. I squeeze his cotton shirt in my hand, when I see his chest. ¡°They are bruised.¡± He says. The left side of his ribs are lc purple, and grey. He groans when I touch them. I kiss them, I kiss his chest, then I kiss his neck. Our lips meet again. The fullness of his lips, against my body, makes me moan. They warm me. We explore each other¡¯s body in the natural lit living room, as the sun sets. Jeff stops to catch his breath. Seeing him breathe, seeing his lc bruise stretch with his breath, gave me chills. I cross my legs and lean on him. We¡¯re both tired. Both our hairs are wild. Ib my fingers through Jeff¡¯s hair. He smiles at me again. I intece our hands. Jeff kicks the wooden crutches on the floor, to get to his pants. The crutches click, when they collide. I can hear stic in his pocket. He grabs something out of his pant pocket. I press on my slinter again. He grabs out a clear stic bag, full of green pills. I stay silent as he picks through a few. My hands are cold, they are med. Our fingers are still inteced. Jeff smiles at me. ¡°Do you have a card?¡± He asks. ¡°No.¡± I say. I smile to cover my lie. He lets go of my hand and gets up from the couch. I wipe my sweaty hand. I haven¡¯t moved yet. I look at the green pills. I¡¯ve seen them be-fore. I see them often. Hees back to the couch, with a credit card, and dor in hand. He sits down. He crushes the pills with the card. The three pills are now a small, thin, green line. He rolls the dor. I watch him. He wipes his nose when he¡¯s done. I look at him. His dewy face smiles at me. He inteces our hands again. ¡°They¡¯re prescriptions, Alex.¡± He says. That was a lie, I knew he was lying. I nod at his lie, and smile. I felt sad again. I felt sad, for Jeff. He crushes another. ¡°They take away the pain and help me concentrate.¡± He says. ¡°What aboutcrosse.¡± My voice is scratchy. ¡°Can¡¯t y.¡± He goes for another. I look at his bruised body, and nod. I move his sweaty hair from his face. Ib his hair with my hands again. I grab his chin. He stops everything to look at me, to watch me. I watch the rolled dor, unwind as he drops it onto the table. Even though, I felt coldness in him, Jeff still warmed me. I press my lips against his again. There are tears in my eyes now. When I pinch the splinter; the tears, go away. I put the cold food, in the cold fridge. Night came fast, the lights stay off. The gloom drowned us, made us tired. We are each other¡¯s anchors for the rest of the night. Chapter 43: 27I Think Its Because Chapter 43: 27I Think Its Because It¡¯s morning, the blue lit room is now Ombre, by the orange sun rise. Jeff¡¯s house is cold, and quiet. It¡¯s just Jeff, and I, I guess. I hug him before I get up from the couch. I¡¯m not sure why, I¡¯m up. It¡¯s too cold, and I don¡¯t want to go home, yet. I don¡¯t want to leave him, yet. When the furnace kicks in, I walk around. I was in the dining room, now. I see photos of Jeff, and his par-ents. Jeff looked younger, he looked happier. His parents look perfect. Where were his parents? The dining room is decorated with confetti on the table. There are golden wine sses. Deted gold and white balloons are scattered onto the floor. A cemat read. Happy New Years I get cold again. I put on my hood before I walk back over to Jeff. He¡¯s still asleep. I¡¯m too scared. I want to wake him. ¡°Jeff.¡± He doesn¡¯t move. I call him again and stroke his hair. Our heads are touching. I¡¯m sitting on the floor now, and stroking his hair, until he moves. I¡¯m pinching my splinter, behind my back. I kiss him, and he groans. I feel better now. ¡°I¡¯m going to go, okay?¡± I whisper in his ear. He nods, it sounds like his soft voice is going to say something. He groans again. He sounds sad. I feel bad for leaving. I leave before he opens his eyes, before he sees me go. I won¡¯t be able to leave him, if he sees me. If Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. he smiles at me. ~~~~~ When I get home, there¡¯s Emma and Jake in the kitchen again. Emma¡¯s making pancakes, Jakes staring at me. The room is silent. Jake¡¯s pping his hands. ¡°Sister of the yeardies and gentlemen!¡± He says. Emma¡¯s eyes are glued to me when I walk in. She doesn¡¯tugh at Jake¡¯s joke, she just stares at me. I can hear the oil cooking in the pan. ¡°Get lost again?¡± He jokes. I¡¯m notughing. I¡¯m pissed. ¡°Fuck you Jake.¡± I toss my keys on the ind and go upstairs. I didn¡¯t care if I hurt Jake. Deep down, I did. I want to apolo-gize, but I don¡¯t. I get into my bed and go back to sleep. Chapter 44: 28I Love You Hayes Chapter 44: 28I Love You Hayes It was night again, when I wake up. Ever since Hayes left, the first thing I do when wake up, is go to my window. His car is always there though, in the exact same spot. It¡¯s in the same spot now. Seeing it, affects my day. Thankfully the day, wasing to an end. I roam the house, and watch T.V downstairs. Emma and Jake are in his room. I kept my phone close, for Jeff. I waited for a text, or call, but nothing. I was obsessed with the mystery of Jeff. I wanted to know him more, to feel him more. For the first time ever, I want to share my secrets. I want Jeff, to know my secrets, while he kisses me. I want tob through his hair and watch him get better. Watch the green line grow shorter, and shorter every time our lips meet. I want to get better, with him. My phone buzzes under my leg. I put down my bowl of ice cream, to answer it. ¡°Hello?¡± There¡¯s static for a while. I¡¯m on mute. ¡°Alex?¡± It¡¯s Adam. I can hear music in the background. He walks somece else, and the music quiets. I eat a spoonful of ice cream. ¡°How are things?¡± He asks me. He sounds buzzed. ¡°They are good. What are you doing?¡± I ask. I scrunch my hair. Adam rarely calls, but he calls more than you¡¯d think. More than Jack. We¡¯ve all been through a lot, so when a sibling calls, we always an-swer. No matter what. Adam sounds sad. I can hear him sigh through the phone. ¡°How¡¯s Jake, where is he?¡± He asks. I pick at my splinter, because I¡¯m about to lie. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°He¡¯s good. I think he went out.¡± I say. I didn¡¯t want to get stuck on Jake for too long. I had another secret about him, it was fresh. Talking about him, made me feel guilty. ¡°What are you doing?¡± I ask. I hear him sigh through the phone again, this makes me nerv-ous. ¡°I¡¯m worried about you Alex.¡± He says. He¡¯s being weird. Iugh to cover my fear. I bite down on my lips, when my eyes start to water. ¡°Adam, I¡¯m fine. I promise.¡± I lie. ¡°What did you eat today?¡± He asks. ¡°I¡¯m eating now.¡± I say. ¡°What did you eat today, Alex?¡± He asks me. ¡°I just had a sd.¡± I lie. There¡¯s silence through the phone again, I can¡¯t breathe. ¡°Come on, you don¡¯t believe me.¡± Iugh, because I¡¯m scared. I don¡¯t like to talk about my habit. I don¡¯t like when people start to notice my habit. There¡¯s static again, it¡¯s calming. Adam is still muted. I bite down on my spoon, when I go for another scoop. ¡°Alex.¡± He¡¯s whispers. ¡°Do you miss her too?¡± He asks. ¡°Every day, Adam.¡± I say. There¡¯s silence. He mutes me again. ¡°Adam, what¡¯s wrong?¡± I ask. He clears his throat again. ¡°I just feel like shit right now.¡± Heughs. I smile. ¡°Are you at a party?¡± I ask. I can hear Adam cover his mouth. ¡°No. I haven¡¯t been drinking either.¡± I hear himugh through the tears. I ache ¡°Alex, I don¡¯t want to be here.¡± He says. The music is loud again. The static was louder. Chills coat my skin. ¡°Adam, don¡¯t talk like that.¡± I say to him. ¡°Can you pick me up? I don¡¯t want to be here. I just want to see you guys.¡± He cries. Each time he gasps for air, chills coat me. I can feel his cold tears, through the static. I cover my mouth to hide my heavy breaths. To cov-er my, cry. ¡°Sure Adam, I¡¯ll leave right now.¡± I say. I stand up, to get more air. ¡°These fucking frat boys are fucking dicks, Alex.¡± Heughs, then cries. The static takes over the phone, again. It¡¯s static for a while, be-fore the call ends. I put on my jacket, and text Rochelle for the first time in a while. Want to go to a college party? -Alex F*ck Yes! -Rochelle ~~~~~ The floor is glossy, the walls are blue. Everything smells of anti-septic and rubbing alcohol. It¡¯s familiar. My stomach is turning. I feel sick again. I take deep breaths as I hold Jake¡¯s hands, and Ms. Kristen¡¯s holding mine. Adam is behind us. We only had a few more steps, but I can¡¯t take another step. I let go of their hands. I¡¯m standing there, and everyone¡¯s staring at me. The pit wasing back. Adam holds my hand, when he sees tears. ¡°It¡¯s okay, Alex.¡± He says. ¡°I¡¯m scared, Adam.¡± I mumble. ¡°Of what?¡± Heughs. ¡°Will she like me?¡± I ask. He smiles. ¡°Let¡¯s find out.¡± He says. I hold my breath. I only step, in the squares on the tile floor. This calms me, the tiles make me feel better. I breathe again once we enter the room. There they were; Our oldest brother Jack, his girlfriend Rosa, and their newborn baby. ¡°Guys, meet Emily.¡± He cries. His tears are happy. I¡¯ve never seen Jack so happy, before. Now everyone was happy, everyone was smiling, but me. I felt guilty again, because of a pulsing secret. It¡¯s been two months since my mother passed. At her funeral, something happened. Seeing Emily was too much. ¡°Alex, you¡¯re crying!¡± Jakeughs. ¡°Now I know. Babies are your weakness.¡± Heughs. ¡°Aren¡¯t they everyone¡¯s?¡± Asked Adam. His smile makes me smile. ¡°Alex¡¯s been, a cry baby,tely.¡± Jakeughs. ¡°Hey, crying¡¯s good for you!¡± Jackughs. I nudge Jake. Ms. Kristen rubs my back and hugs me from behind. This wasn¡¯t enough. I stay quiet. ¡°Alex, would you like to hold her?¡± Asks Rosa. Everyone¡¯s staring at me, and the room feels like it¡¯s getting smaller. I go to the bathroom before I start to cry. Once I¡¯m in the bathroom, tears don¡¯t fall. I vomit in the toilet, in-stead. I wanted to wait in the bathroom until we were ready to leave. I couldn¡¯t bare the secret that sat in my stomach. Jackes in the bathroom, he closes the door behind him. I sat in the corner of the room, hugging myself. ¡°Hospitals aren¡¯t the cleanest.¡± He jokes. I wipe my wet face, I cried too much for any more toe out. ¡°What¡¯s going on Alex, is it mom?¡± He asks. I lie at first, but he doesn¡¯t believe me. ¡°I have a secret.¡± I blurt aloud. He looks at me, almost scared. The room goes silent. The loud fan in the ceiling hums, I get up, and my shoes squeak when I walk towards him. ¡°I did something Jack, but you can¡¯t tell anyone.¡± I say. I tell him my recent secret. The secret that made me cry when I looked Emily in the eyes. The secret that formed a pit in my stomach, made me ache. I didn¡¯t tell him my other secret though, I couldn¡¯t. He hugged me after though, didn¡¯t ask any questions. He warmed me with hisfort, I needed this. I could hear everyone in the next room,ughing, they are happy. ¡°I just want us to be together again.¡± I say. ¡°Alex. We¡¯re moving to California next week." He says. ¡°Me, Rosa, and Emily.¡± He mumbles. His hug was cold now. It felt better to tell someone else the truth, though. Yet, another person is leaving me now. I ache again. I wanted him to stay, I needed him. I didn¡¯t want to bare another person in my life, leaving me. I didn¡¯t try to convince or beg him to stay. I should¡¯ve. My throat was too raw and burning, for me to say anything at that moment. Tears fall down my face now, he wipes them. ¡°Emily is beautiful. Mom, would¡¯ve loved her.¡± I say. He smiles at me. I step in the squares again as we leave the bathroom. Jake, Adam, and Ms. Kristen were standing outside of the room. I was now face to face with Emily, she gets more beautiful, every second. My smile is wide now. ¡°Hi Emily.¡± I say. Rosa lets me hold her. As soon as shends into my hands, I get chills. Everything about her is pure, and light. I watch her, every movement brings me joy. Her cries scare me at first. Then I realize as I¡¯m holding her, I¡¯m warming her. I cry again ¡°More tears.¡± Rosa asks. ¡°Happy ones. Happy tears.¡± I say. ¡°Alex, loves you.¡± I cry. END OF BOOK 1 Two.Part.Story. Dear Hayes, ¡°SECRETS¡± Dear Hayes, ¡°SECRETS¡± Book 2, (First 6 chap-ters) Contents Con-tents ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ Dear Alex............................................................................................................................................................. . I read your let-ter ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ It made me smile andugh....................................................................................................................... I wasn¡¯t in the right head-space ................................................................................................................. The second time I left Ver- sa....................................................................................................................... I apologize for that ....................................................................................................................................... This is a work of fiction. Simrities to real people, ces, or events are entirely coincidental. YOU SAVED ME ONCE First edition. January 9th 2020. Copyright ? 2019 Amelia E. S. ISBN: 6610000240203 Written by Amelia Stovall The YSMO series contains graphic content that to some degree could be trigger warnings for some individuals. There are min-imal implicated sexual assault parts in the book. There''s also eating disorders, and heavy drug and substance abuse through-out as well. Chapter 45: 29Dear Alex Chapter 45: 29Dear Alex ¡°How are you feeling Alex?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± I say. I¡¯m driving to Adam, and Rochelle¡¯s in the passenger seat. I feel her gaze on me. ¡°I¡¯m worried for Adam.¡± I say. The heater blows loud, I turn it down. ¡°Thankfully he¡¯s not too far.¡± Sheughs to lighten the mood. ¡°It¡¯s kind of far. Thanks again, foring though.¡± I say, she nods as a ¡°your wee¡±. ¡°You know, I¡¯m d you asked me toe. I haven¡¯t seen you in almost two weeks.¡± She says, and I nod. ¡°Yeah, things have been crazy.¡± I say. ¡°How¡¯s college prep going?¡± Rochelle asks. ¡°Good.¡± I lie. ¡°How¡¯s Jeff?¡± She asks. ¡°Better.¡± I say. ¡°How¡¯s Hayes?¡± I ask. The car¡¯s quiet again. I turn up the music to bnce things out. It doesn¡¯t take long for us to reach the university fraternity houses. They¡¯re big, loud, but not abandoned. There are a few people on the frontwn. They wave at us, some yell. Without the music, the fra-ternities would look gloom. I can hear the music spitting out from each frat. I park at Ad-am¡¯s fraternity house. The bass shakes my car. Rochelle and I get out and walk up to the front door. There are people everywhere, touching, kissing, having fun. We walk into the house, there¡¯s warmth everywhere. Everyone¡¯s so close, touching. The bass pulses our touching bodies and connects us all. The lights are dim, a dirty green. A group of shirtless guys bolt past us, they¡¯re cheering. Everything smells like cheap alcohol; it burns my nose. The music is too loud to carry a conversation. I try anyways. ¡°Call me if you find Adam.¡± I say to Rochelle. She nods. She shes her bedazzled phone in the air. The dirty green lights bounce off of her phone. She smiles through the bass. Then we split up. She starts downstairs, secretly following the shirtless guys that passed us not too long ago. I go upstairs. There are three levels in this fraternity, I¡¯m on the second one now. This level is still packed. The only difference is the music, and the light. It¡¯s now a dim, dirty purple. I scan the room, each time I regret not bringing my camera, or proid. Still no sight of Adam. Someone hugs me from behind. It feels familiar. ¡°Alex.¡± His voice is heavy. I turn to him. It¡¯s DJ guy from Adam¡¯s party. He looks sedated. His hair is greasy, some parts hang over his face. The purple light makes his dewy, pale face, look vibrant. The intensity of the purple almost hides the dark bags under his eyes, it could pass as eyeliner. He keeps a lit cigarette in his mouth, it¡¯s buzzing red. I watch the smoke float around, then disappear in the purple light. When I keep staring at him, he blows his cigarette smoke in my face. I nudge him. ¡°Do you smoke?¡± He asks. ¡°No!¡± Iugh. He tries to grope me again, I allow it. One of his friends jerks him away from me. He disappears with the cigarette smoke. ¡°You still owe me a dance Richards!¡± He shouts. I can¡¯t see him anymore. My feet start to move and walk around the second level looking for Adam. I pass lots of doors, most locked, some unlocked, and even doors wide open. One of the rooms, with the door wide open had a group of col-lege people circling a bed, some standing around. They were smoking and inhaling a line on a mirror te. This reminded me of Jeff¡­ Adam was standing in the corner of the room, head down. He¡¯s holding a bottle of alcohol half empty. I run over and tap him. He slowly turns his head to me, dazed. Adam doesn¡¯t recognize me. I ask him if he¡¯s ready to go home, and he nods. At this point I¡¯m freaking out because I¡¯ve never seen him like this before. I get him out of the room, now we¡¯re being shoved by danc-ing people on level 2. My arms start to give out as I¡¯m pulling his entire weight and my own. We fall into a group of guys. I apologize more than once to them, knowing that without the purple light, my face would be beet red. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it.¡± A girl helps me up. I hadn¡¯t noticed until now that it¡¯s Lorene, Adam¡¯s girlfriend. She helps me carry Adam to his room, which is on the third level. There are no colorful lights, or loud music ying on this level. Only now can I see vomit all over Adam¡¯s clothes, and mine. Lorene looks sadder now, still beautiful but sad. I feel a little anger to-wards her, seeing Adam in such distraught and knowing Lorene was right there and wasn¡¯t helping. We reach his door, but it¡¯s locked from the inside. Lorene doesn¡¯t look surprised; she grabs a key from her back pocket. My hands are starting to m up from the tension I feel and see on her face. The anticipation is starting to worry me. ¡°He left his wallet downstairs; can you go and grab it Alex?¡± She asks. I¡¯m even more scared and tensed now, because she¡¯s lying. I can tell. ¡°Yeah, sure.¡± I mumble, wanting to cry. As I¡¯m backing away from the door, I hear movement in Ad-am¡¯s room. I look at Lorene for confirmation, but she looks down guilty. ¡°Be careful.¡± She mutters. I force a smile and nod at her. Everything starts making sense now. I¡¯m crying now. I turn away from Lorene before she can see, before she stops me from leaving. I run downstairs, looking for Rochelle. While looking for her I open an unlocked door, and I find her going down on one of the shirt-less guys from earlier. She stops and gets up rmed. ¡°What are you doing?!¡± I cry. ¡°Are you okay? What happened, where¡¯s Adam?!¡± She asks. She was genuinely worried, I haven¡¯t even noticed until now, but she is walking towards me about to give me a hug. I push her away before she can touch me. ¡°Can we just go?!¡± I cry. ¡°Yeah, where¡¯s Adam?¡± She asks. ¡°With Lorene.¡± I say. ¡°Let¡¯s go get him.¡± Rochelle insists. ¡°He¡¯s noting, so let¡¯s just go!¡± I shout. ¡°Alex, what¡¯s wrong?!¡± She asks. I avoid her question, I wanted to tell her who else was here, but I couldn¡¯t get the words out of my mouth. The secrets would spill out too. The guy is still sitting on the bed, fixing his pants. ¡°Rochelle you don¡¯t even know him.¡± I state. My words hurt her, but I don¡¯t stop. ¡°So, he¡¯s really nice.¡± She smiles. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with you?!?¡± I scream. I run out of the room and m the door behind me. I catch my unsteady breath while leaning against a wall and start crying. Before I know it, I¡¯m on the second level, looking for Adam¡¯s wallet that doesn¡¯t exist. I was intentionally following a lie because I didn¡¯t know what else to do. I didn¡¯t know where to go, and I forgot how to breathe. I¡¯m standing alone in the middle of the purple level. I liked the feeling of being lost amongst people who were lost too. With my eyes closed, the music makes me happy, allows me to image a happier time. Someone calls my name. I look across the room and see Hayes. Everything inside of me freezes. Everything inside of me throbs, it¡¯s hard to breathe again. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. ~~~~~ Chapter 46: 30I read your letter Chapter 46: 30I read your letter When I figure out, I¡¯m not hallucinating, I try to lose Hayes in the crowd. Just when I think I¡¯m over this entire situation, just when I¡¯ve healed most of my wounds with him, here in the same room as him again, not again. I walk the first floor wandering around, bumping into strangers, and having drunks yell at me. It was better than going up to the second level and being mature about the situation. In the moment, wandering was even better than checking to see if my brother was al-right. I should¡¯ve done that, but instead I¡¯m regretting, crying, and down spiraling. I was down spiraling fast and had no one to help me out this time. There¡¯s one person that came to mind though, Jeff. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. I go into an empty room on the first floor and text him. I need you. -Alex I waited for what felt like hours before he texted back. I didn¡¯t think he¡¯d text back at all. Where are you? -Jeff I text him the address before my phone dies. Now it¡¯s just me back to wandering throughout the floors. ~~~~ I end up at the drinking table on the second level. DJ guy was there too, stuffing his tongue down my throat. His hands were all over me and at one point in my pants. He wasn¡¯t fully intoxicated; I was on the brinks of it though. I was already on my 4th shot of vodka. My mouths¡¯ aroma is coated in acidic alcohol and cool cigarette ash from DJ guy, but I can¡¯t stop. I let DJ guy whose name I ended up learning was Ryan do a lot to me. He groped my breast, my ass and he pinned me against a wall in front of everyone. Then he gave me a brownie, a funny brownie that made meugh. I didn¡¯t care because I didn¡¯t feel a thing, and I didn¡¯t want to. As long as we didn¡¯t have sex, as long as he didn¡¯t enter me in any-way. As long as I stay in arge crowd, I have control of the situa-tion. Did I feel bad? Do I feel bad, no. I¡¯m too high to care about anything including Jeff. I¡¯m just going off the rhythm of my down-spiraling which was getting out of control. Out of nowhere a heavy hand grips my arm, and my high is threatened, by Hayes. He pulls me in an empty room and shuts the door behind him. ¡°What are you doing?!?¡± I cry. I try to push him away from the door, but he won¡¯t budge. ¡°So, your brother is having a breakdown, and this is what you do? Go around trying to sleep with this fucking college boy?!?¡± He huffs. ¡°Why are you following me?¡± I mumble, but he keeps going. I smell alcohol on his breath I¡¯m sure he smells it on mine. ¡°Leave me the fuck alone Hayes. I¡¯m having a fucking break-down now too, because of you! Just-just get the fuck out of my way!¡± I push him again; but he doesn¡¯t budge. I scream in frustration. ¡°You weren¡¯t supposed to be here!!! You-you weren¡¯t even supposed to be here!!!¡± I yell. ¡°I kissed you, and you fucking leave Versa again! You leave me again!!!¡± I cry. ¡°Alex!¡± He calls me, but now I ignore him. ¡°Where¡¯s Rochelle, I-I need Rochelle. I-I want to see Adam.¡± I cry. ¡°Okay!!!¡± He yells. ¡°I fucking hate you!¡± I yell. ¡°Don¡¯t yell at me!!!!¡± He screams. ¡°Don¡¯t yell at me.¡± I whisper. Our heads are touching one another¡¯s, and our eyes locked. Hayes lips meet mine first, he roughly gropes my face while doing so. I can¡¯t help but kiss him back, love him back. I¡¯m hesitant but Hayes¡¯s body is leaning into me, we¡¯re pressed against each other. Our eyes are connected, and everything is buzzing. Then the bathroom door inside the bedroom opens. It¡¯s Rochelle. Chapter 47: 31It made me smile and laugh Chapter 47: 31It made me smile andugh ¡°Rochelle.¡± I call her multiple times, but she ignores me. The room is now silent. All she could do was pass us and leave the room in disbelief, and tears. Hayes is now looking at me as if it¡¯s my fault. This makes my stomach drop. I try to grab his arm but he just pulls away grab-bing at his hair. I stand in front of him, eyeing him for a few sec-onds before passing him. He calls after me but I ignore him. ¡°Rochelle!¡± I yell Rochelle¡¯s¡¯ name in a packed room. I knew she couldn¡¯t hear me, but I wailed out the cries and tears in hope. Hope that she¡¯d rush up behind me hug me, forgive me. Instead Ryan does that exact thing, which scares me. ¡°Woah, didn¡¯t mean to scare you.¡± He smiles. I try to mimic his smile through the pain and tears. The lights made it difficult to see anything, so he didn¡¯t know the hurt that was right on my face. I didn¡¯t need to smile but I did it anyway. ¡°I need to find my brother.¡± I tell Ryan. He looks at me, before nodding his head. ¡°First I want you to meet some of my friends.¡± He hoots. ¡°No, I have to find my brother.¡± I say. He just smiles at me; he doesn¡¯t know the hurt behind my voice. ¡°Just take another shot, then we can meet my friends and they can help find your brother.¡± He states. ¡°No. I don¡¯t want to do that.¡± I say. He stares in my eyes for a few seconds, he seemed offended. Soon after he brushes it off with a smile. ¡°Adams¡¯ his name, right?¡± He asks. I nod. ¡°Okay, let¡¯s go find Adam.¡± He mocks jokingly. I almost cry, thanking him. ¡°Now, you seem a little tipsy can you walk?¡± He asks. Before I can say anything, he bends down, so I get on his back. He jumps a few times, which forces a Somehow we make it to the 3rd level quickly, and he ces me down. I sway back and forth multiple times, forcing us to collide in-to the hallway walls of the 3rd level. Somewhere through walking up the stairs and colliding with hallway walls, I found time to vomit on not only me but also Ryan. He rests me against a wall, while he unlocks a bedroom door. I¡¯m confused but too drunk to ask questions. All I can do, isugh. After everything that happened tonight, all I can do isugh. He¡¯s now pulling me into the room and closing the door be-hind him. He flicks on a nightstand light, before putting me on the bed. I¡¯m tensed and a little ufortable looking around a room I¡¯m not familiar with. Then Ryan starts Content rights belong to N?velDrama.Org. taking off his shirt. ¡°What are you doing?¡± I¡¯m slurring my words now. ¡°You fucking vomited on me Alex.¡± Heughs. Iugh but I¡¯m still confused. ¡°Okay, but why did you bring me into a random room. This isn¡¯t my brother¡¯s room.¡± I mock him with a sideugh. ¡°I know that. It¡¯s my room.¡± He says. His demeanor is different he¡¯s rougher with his words, his tone is heavier now. ¡°Well¡­when you¡¯re done changing, can you take me to him? I don¡¯t think I can walk.¡± Iugh. He tosses me a shirt from his drawer. ¡°Thank you.¡± I say. He smiles at me. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to look away?¡± I eye him, while asking. ¡°You¡¯re in my room.¡± He states. I sigh in exhaustion, and just take off my shirt in front of him without care. Thankfully, I¡¯m wearing a bra underneath. I put on his shirt and look at him. ¡°Okay, all done.¡± I say. He walks closer to me, and I slide further back on the bed. A knock on the door startles us. ¡°Who is that?¡± I ask. He goes to the door, and murmurs something to another per-son. I can¡¯t make up what it was, but I felt uneasy. He closes the door with force, a sigh escapes his mouth. ¡°I¡¯ll just get my brother by myself Ryan, it¡¯s fine.¡± I say. I stand up from the bed and walk towards the door, when he turns to me. ¡°Okay, some friends are just going to stop by really quick. Is that okay?¡± He asks me. This didn¡¯t feel right. ¡°Yeah, but I want to leave.¡± I state. He¡¯s now standing over me. ¡°Come on Alex, you¡¯re being a party killer. We¡¯re just going to have fun.¡± He states. His tone was dark, he was lying. I hear him lock the door. ¡°Just stay for a little, if you¡¯re not liking the vibes I¡¯ll take you to your brother.¡± He tries to convince me. Before I can respond to him, he turns on the radio and ys a heavy metal cassette tape at a high volume. ¡°That¡¯s what you saidst time.¡± I state. He walks closer to me and guides his hands down my body, into my pants. ¡°Stop.¡± I mumble. ¡°Oh,e on you wanted this downstairs when you¡¯re creepy fucking boyfriend was watching.¡± He spits hate. ¡°Fuck you!¡± I say. I feel the tearse; I look anywhere but at Ryan. There¡¯s another knock at the door, which makes me jump. ¡°Come on Little Richards.¡± He mocks before gliding his hand over my privates. Everything inside of me tenses my hearts racing, and yet I can¡¯t move. ¡°Stop.¡± I cry. He walks closer to the door, and I eye the bathroom door in his room. There¡¯s a lock on it. I grab his keys from the nightstand and run to it. I hear him calling my name, but I¡¯ve already locked myself in his bathroom. I¡¯m hugging myself, trying to findfort in the sit-uation, knowing deep down there was only one oue. As I¡¯m cry-ing in his purple light bathroom, I hearmotion in his room. He¡¯s arguing with someone, someone I knew. ¡°Hayes.¡± I mummer a few times before finding enough strength to get up and open the bathroom door. Hayes was there, pushing Ryan out of the way. However, there were a few other unknown male faces in his room as well, the ones he must¡¯ve invited over. By the time Hayes notices me, Ryan has already closed the door in his face, locked it and was headed my way. Before I could lock the bathroom door back, Ryan had al-ready made his way inside. He¡¯s now forcedly pushing me against a wall burning my back, as he thrust me against it, forcing my legs to wrap around his waist. He is sending a bunch of unwanted kisses to me, sticking his tongue down my throat, again and again. All I could do was cry, I was too drunk to push him off of me, too weak to talk, too weak to say no. When he started to want more from me, he put me on the bathroom counter and put his hands in my pants. Then, stuck his fingers inside of me. I wail in pain, and fright. I try to find a way to stop him, so I take his hand from out of me and kiss them in fear, knowing he¡¯d like it. He smirks at me, and as soon as he does, I knee him and slide off the counter going for the door. ¡°You bitch!¡± He shouts. He pulls my hair andys me against the counter, on my stomach. He¡¯s pinning me down from behind, but I can hear what he¡¯s doing to himself, the noises. He¡¯s getting ready. I know what he¡¯s about to do to me. ¡°Stop, fucking stop!¡± I cry. Just when he pulls my shorts down, the bathroom door opens. Rochelle enters first, in shock she pushes Ryan off of me. I fall to the floor, she helps me up, fixes my shorts. Next in, is Adam. Then Hayes. Everything is a blur after that. There¡¯re only shes. I see Hayes tackling Ryan to the ground, and wailing on his entire body, I was cking out from the trauma, and from the alco-hol. I wasn¡¯t even sure what was real. But then there was blood from Ryan, that¡¯s when I knew it was real. Hayes was beating Ryan, to a pulp. Adam and Rochelle were now taking me away before I can see anything else. There was amotion of people flooding the bathroom now. I remember asking them where Hayes was, if he was alright. I just wanted to see Hayes. Then I remember cking out next to Adam. Chapter 48: 32I wasn鈥檛 in the right head-space Chapter 48: 32I wasn¡¯t in the right head-space When I finally came to it, I was in another frat boys¡¯ room, this timeying on their bed. However, now Rochelle is right beside me, holding my hand. The room was almost pitch ck, but I could still see her, Adam, Lorene, and a college boy that looked familiar. It was the guy from earlier, the one that was with Rochelle. He smiles forcedly at me, almost in pity. When Adam notices that I¡¯m up, he rushes over to me, with both joy and sadness. He¡¯s been crying, he¡¯s wiping tears off his cheeks now. ¡°Alex.¡± Was all he could say to me. I was able to make up a smile, not assuring him that I was okay, but letting him know I was happy to see him. The room went quiet again, I felt like everyone was staring at me, even though they were. It took me a while to make out any words, when I finally did the mood changed. ¡°Where¡¯s Hayes?¡± I ask. The room is quiet again, a dark quiet as if something had hap-pened. I look at Rochelle, on the verge of tears. ¡°Rochelle?¡± I cry. She looks away before looking at the college boys whose room we bombarded. That was enough to have him leave the room, then follows Lorene, then Adam. But I knew he¡¯d be right outside the door. It was now just Rochelle and I. ¡°Rochelle. I¡¯m sorry.¡± I break out into a heavy cry. She sits on the bed tofort me. Rubbing my back again and again. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± She says to me, before embracing in a hug. ¡°Is this still the 3rd floor?!¡± I start to panic. ¡°Jay is a freshman, so he¡¯s on the 1st floor.¡± She states. ¡°Alex, what did he do?¡± She asks. ¡°Nothing Rochelle, I¡¯m fine. I-I just got a little too drunk, and he tried to take advantage of me. But you saved me.¡± I start crying again, she wipes my tears. ¡°Okay.¡± She smiles at me. The room is silent, when Rochelle makes an unexpected con-fession. ¡°I think I¡¯m a nymphomaniac.¡± Rochelle states. I want tough, but there¡¯s dark tone to it, its heavy honesty scared me. The room is quiet again, but Rochelle seems uneasy. The longer the silence, the more I see her keeping something in, it scares me. I¡¯m scared that it might be about Hayes. ¡°Ryan¡­.¡± She goes to say but stops halfway. ¡°I knew Ryan, back in middle school.¡± She says. As soon as she says that my stomach drops. ¡°Remember Justin?¡± She ask. I nod my head, but my stomach is pulsing. Justin was her high school boyfriend, when she was only a middle schooler. ¡°Yeah. He raped me¡­So did some of his friends.¡± She bluntly states, but I could hear pain and memories resurfacing. I look at her, not knowing what to do. I didn¡¯t want her to hurt herself with memories from her tragic past. I didn¡¯t want to feel that. I try to call her name, but she continues. The next thing she said, broke me. ¡°Yeah¡­..Ryan was one of them.¡± She sniffs. Coldness turns me numb, the room somehow got darker, Ro-chelle was fading right in front of me. I lost all sense, just the intense rolling chills coating my body, felt them inside my spine. My stomach couldn¡¯t rest, it kept beating, in pain. I couldn¡¯t produce any words, just tears. The pain was too much for both of us, I just started crying in her arms. ¡°He put his fingers in me¡­I-I begged him to stop but he just kept doing it, kept kissing me, touching me, grabbing me. Then he pushed me against the counter, on my stomach¡­..and pulled down my pants¡­¡± I stop, because I¡¯m out of breath, I can barely breathe. Ro-chelle isforting me. I force a breath, a nerving swallow, but at least I could breathe again. ¡°If you would¡¯ve entered anyter¡­.¡± I fade into shbacks. Rochelle taps me back, with a hug. When she lets go, I look at her and smile, a genuine smile. She saved me more then she knows. ¡°It¡¯s okay to not be okay Alex.¡± She cries. She helps me to stand up, for the first time in 30 minutes standing up felt weird. I wasn¡¯t drunk anymore, but the trauma took a toll on my body, everything was still vibrating, and my insides were sore. I feel dirty. We walk around the dark room until Rochelle finds a light switch near the entrance. Which is also apanied by a mirror. This is the first time the entire night that I see myself. My hairs everywhere, covered in puke. My eyes are smeared with mascara from the night be-fore. My clothes¡­ the shirt I¡¯m wearing isn¡¯t mine, it¡¯s Ryan¡¯s. ¡°What the fuck.¡± I say. Secondster I puke in the trashcan 2 feet¡¯s away from me. Ro-chelle rushes to my side, but I can only smile at her when I¡¯m done. ¡°So, you¡¯re a nymphomaniac, huh?¡± I say to Rochelle. ¡°I think, that¡¯s what my therapist says.¡± She beats. Secondster we bothugh. ¡°Rochelle!¡± I bump her. Weugh for a while until her smile lowers. ¡°When that stuffed happened in middle school, it changed me. Made me different, made me act different, I had no choice. I had to ei-ther embrace it or let it take over my life.¡± She states. ¡°You own it.¡± I state. ¡°Yeah. Everyone thinks I own it. My dad liked that about me.¡± She mumbles. The room goes silent. For a second everything goes cold. My watered eyes re at her with fear. ¡°What?¡± I stutter. Before she can say anything, Adam barged into the room, with panic. ¡°We need to leave right now!¡± He paces his words. ¡°Where¡¯s Hayes?!?¡± I panic. When I go to look at Rochelle, I can see that she is annoyed by his name, and sighs. Then gives me a look of pity. ¡°He¡¯s like ckout drunk in the back of your car. Probablyy-ing in his own vomit.¡± She mocks. I look at Rochelle she looks at me then Adam. ¡°He¡¯s in Alex¡¯s car, right?!?¡± She asks Adam, with fear in her voice. Before he can say anything, there¡¯s a loud bang on the door. Loud yelling andmotion is right outside our door. I can depict a few voices, one was Lorene she was calming down someone. A mum- bling drunkenly Hayes yelling at the top of his lungs, and Ryan. I immediately panic and sit back on the bed, then get up and walk closer to Adam forfort. N?velDrama.Org holds ? this. ¡°Lorene!!!¡± Adam yells outside the door to Lorene. She responds back with a ¡°you have 20 seconds to move away from the door or I¡¯m calling campus police!!!¡± Trick. Suddenly it felt like the world went silent outside our door. Adam gave it only 20 sec- onds and nodded to me before opening the door. I stayed nged to him, and Rochelle to me. The first person I see when I look up from the ground is, Hayes. This Hayes was different from the one I knew earlier tonight, the one I loved. This Hayes was broken, angry, aggressive, violent but he still recognized me. The next person I made eye contact with was Lorene. She¡¯s holding Hayes up from plummeting straight to the ground. Then next was Ryan, and as soon as he sees me, he spits in-sults my way in front of the entire fraternity. ¡°You fucking whore!!!¡± Was all he could get out before Rochelle punches him in the throat, and his penis. ¡°You¡¯re fucking scum, you prick!¡± She spits on his face. That¡¯s when things started to escte. Adam steps in front of Rochelle in fear of what Ryan might do to me or Rochelle. Then he sends another punch to his already bruised face. Thenes the- motion again, people yelling, fighting. However somehow me and Hayes were being pulled by Lorene and Rochelle outside. Everything was spinning out of control, and I¡¯m starting to panic. Then I feel someone grab my hand, it¡¯s Hayes. We finally make it to the car, and I struggle to unlock it. Hands shaking, Lorene takes the keys from me silently and opens the car for me. She helps us all in the car, before sitting in the driver seat. Ro- chelle¡¯s in the passenger, and Hayes and I are in the back. I¡¯m nowforted by a sweaty, alcohol aroma young man that I can barely rec-ognize. Hayes is still pretty angry and huffing every now and then. There¡¯d be moments when I¡¯d catch him staring at me. He mumbles to himself before going to sleep on myp. Without knowing, I feel tears against my cheek. It¡¯s too dark in the back to see, but I¡¯m sure they¡¯re on Hayes now. He¡¯s sound asleep, and I can¡¯t help but uce our hands, so I can pet his curly, sweaty hair. I watch him sleep for a while until a tap on my window brings me back to real life. When I look up from Hayes, I see him, Jeff. Chapter 49: 33The second time I left Versa Chapter 49: 33The second time I left Versa I lock eyes with him, and secondster my eyes lock with Ro-chelle. She sees Hayes¡¯s head on myp. So does Jeff. Which makes him go back to his car, but I¡¯m running after him. ¡°Jeff!!¡± I yell to him. My voice is still too weak, but I try my hardest to swallow the lump in my throat that won¡¯t go away. ¡°What Alex!?!¡± He shouts. His voice is on the brinks of break-ing. My tearse first. Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. ¡°Wait!!! Please!¡± I cry. He stops walking and turns to me in panic. ¡°What¡¯s going on, why are you crying?!? A-are you okay?!?¡± He panics. ¡°Can we talk in your car?¡± I ask, while staring off at my car. I wipe my face as we head to Jeff¡¯s car, the closer we get, I can feel my pulse increasing. When we finally make it to his car, we sit in the back seats in silence for a while. I needed to tell him what hap- pened, he deserved to know, but I wasn¡¯t ready just yet. I¡¯m always so bad atmunicating my true feelings. So instead, I grip our held hands together tighter, and kiss him. He kisses me back passionately, while giving me a hug. Midway through Jeff puts his hands up my thigh. Just like Ryan did. I immediately distance myself from him, in fear. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± He says. I can¡¯t digest hisment, all I can do is cry. I couldn¡¯t help it, I couldn¡¯t stop the tears, I couldn¡¯t look at Jeff anymore. ¡°Something happened tonight.¡± I cry. ¡°What???¡± He voice is shaky, which scares me. My heart flutters in sadness, and my stomach keeps dropping. Before I go to say anymore, I hear Jeff get out of the car. He ms the door on his way out which makes me jump. When I see that he¡¯s going over to my car, I immediately get out the car and run to him. He opens the back seat of my car, only to find a slumped Hayes. He¡¯s now up, mumbling to himself. ¡°What did you do to Alex?!?¡± Jeff shouts to Hayes. ¡°You don¡¯t want to know.¡± Hayesughs. My stomach drops harder, my throat burns. A secret. Hayes was going to tell him a secret. By now, Rochelle and Lorene have now been woken up by themotion in the backseat. ¡°You fucking drunk.¡± Jeff spites to Hayes. ¡°You fucking junkie.¡± Hayesughs. Jeff¡¯s reaction was a clear sign that he was about to beat the shit out of a drunken already-bruised Hayes. Before it starts, we¡¯re dis-rupted by Adam running out of the frat in pure frenzy. ¡°Get in your car!¡± he shouts. He makes it over to the car faster than expected, but what he said next came as a surprise. ¡°Ryan is crazy, they¡¯re alling. We need to go, now!¡± Adam states. ¡°Will someone tell me what¡¯s the hell is going on?!?¡± Jeff cries. Before either of us can say anything, a manic Ryan runs out of the frat with a katana. All of his frat boys followed. ¡°What the fuck?!?¡± Jeff panics. ¡°Alex, go now!!! Jeff, I¡¯m riding with you.¡± Adam states. We don¡¯t exchange anymore words. We just get in our cars, and drive home. Chapter 50: 34I apologize for that Chapter 50: 34I apologize for that The entire ride home, Hayes¡¯s head leaned against my shoul-der. He slept the entire ride, I didn¡¯t. I couldn¡¯t. My high hadpletely worn off, and now I¡¯m just left with a headache, a bruised body, and sticky wet clothes that didn¡¯t belong to me. My mind was turning on me, as if I wasn¡¯t already going through enough. I know it¡¯s just my mind fucking with me, but it was really fucking me over to the point where I was convinced. I¡¯d con-vinced myself that everything that happened today, was my fault. Before I can try to mentally fix what my mind had morphed, we¡¯d arrive at my house. Everyone else gets out of the car. It¡¯s just Hayes and I in the back seat, car lights beaming on my mess. I hang my head, and stare at the ck floor in fear of those outside of the car. I pretend to be asleep when Adam opens the door on my side. ¡°Alex, we¡¯re here.¡± He whispers to me, apanied by a soft poke. I raise my head slowly and look at him. ¡°Can you just take Hayes inside, please?¡± I beg. I just felt so weak, but not tired. I felt defeated. This defeat felt like I lost all parts of what made up the person I am. Stripped me so bare that I didn¡¯t know how to act, feel, or live. ¡°Okay Alex. After, will you um¡­you¡¯ll go inside the house, right?¡± He still whispers. There¡¯s so much sadness in his voice I start to whimper but cover my mouth. ¡°You bet.¡± I smile. He tells me he loves me, before walking over to Hayes and wak-ing him up. I hear Hayes grunt, them his mumbling slowly fades, so I know that they made it inside the house. I sit in the car for a what felt like hours, until Rochelle taps on the ss. She opens the door and frowns at me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± She states. ¡°Y-you didn¡¯t tell Jeff, did you?!?¡± I panic. ¡°Why would I fucking do that silly. I WOULD NEVER.¡± She states. She passes me a clean shirt, and some pants. She must¡¯ve grabbed those things from my room when I was zoned out in the back seat. Instantly, everything bes lighter with items that was the old me. Without realizing, the tension over my entire body lifts, I hadn¡¯t noticed the weight until now. I look at Rochelle with the sincerest face, on the verge of tears. Without exchanging words, I give her a hug, now uncontrobly crying. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry Alex.¡± She states again. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Rochelle¡­ you¡¯re too good for me. I love you; you know?¡± I state. ¡°Don¡¯t they all?!?¡± She insists, we bothugh. ¡°You change, I¡¯ll be right outside¡­ if you need anything.¡± She states. I nod my head and followed it with a genuine smile. Once I finished changing, I find enough strength both physical-ly and mentally to get out the car, to face Lorene, Rochelle, and Jeff. They were standing outside for a while conversing amongst themselves. Knowing that Jeff was willing to drive an hour to me, con-sole in me without exnation, defend me, drive another hour back and still wait for me to be ready to exin the entire situation. Honest-ly, his determination for me, makes me so attracted to him. Although, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s just his might and patience. I think Jeff has love for me. Do I have love for him? I walk up to a tired Jeff, who can still give me a genuine smile at 3 in the morning. ¡°How are you feeling?¡± He asks. ¡°Better, thank you.¡± I say. I smile to him, but he seems off. ¡°You okay?¡± I ask. ¡°Yeah, just a little tired. It¡¯s fine though.¡± He says. I believe that he¡¯s tired, we¡¯re all tired. However, there was something else off about him. He could be Please check at N/?vel(D)rama.Org. high. ¡°Are we going to just stand out here until sunrise?¡± Heughs. I want him toe inside the house with me. I want him toy by my side and hold me. I want him to keep me warm, stop my thoughts. I just think I don¡¯t have enough confidence in myself to be the same Alex he loves right now. ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s a good idea right now.¡± I state. ¡°Did I do something in the car, was I going too far? Are you mad at me? Is it me?¡± He asks. ¡°N-no.¡± I stutter in sadness. ¡°Then it¡¯s him.¡± He sighs. Thisment hurts more than expected, I¡¯m holding my breath again. ¡°I¡¯m just really tired Jeff. I think I¡¯m going to just go inside and sleep.¡± I lie. Jeff sighs under his breath. ¡°With him?¡± He asks. My stomach drops, chills coat my back. ¡°What??? No... He can barely walk on his own. W-why would you say that?¡± I panic. Should I just tell him, and everyone outside why I could never be with Hayes in that way? Just to make Jeff stay, should I just tell him all my secrets right here, right now? ¡°Alex, did you sleep with him?¡± He asks. ¡°What are you fucking talking about?!?¡± I shout. It¡¯s toote to shout, the echoese back to me faster. ¡°Just go home Jeff, you seem really tired too.¡± I state, but in-stantly regret that. ¡°I-I don¡¯t get it!¡± He shouts. His demeanor is a bit off; he can¡¯t keep eye contact with anyone anymore either. ¡°Jeff!¡± Rochelle shouts. He looks at Rochelle in annoyance, then back at me. His eyes are glossy now; I can tell he¡¯s holding back tears. ¡°You text me, maybe I took it out of context. I thought you needed me. Maybe you were wasted, or high¡­You seemed scared. But then I show up and see you and Hayes together. You were crying, upset, and everyone is acting weird. No one will tell me anything, still. I¡¯m try-ing to understand, trying to talk to you, spend time with you. I¡¯m trying to love you, but in reality, you don¡¯t even need me. Alex, you don¡¯t even love me.¡± He states. His voice is shaky again. ¡°I do! I¡¯m sorry, okay?¡± I cry. ¡°Why can¡¯t we just sort this out now, I don¡¯t want to go home without you.¡± He says. My stomach drops. ¡°I-I¡¯m not doing the best¡­I¡¯ll tell you everything¡­ Just, not right now.¡± I state. He nods. ¡°This has nothing to do with Hayes.¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m sure that¡¯s a lie.¡± He mumbles. Rochelle is now standing next to me, watching Jeff in annoy-ance. ¡°You don¡¯t understand.¡± I cry. ¡°Tell me!¡± He pries. ¡°I can¡¯t!¡± I shout again. ¡°Then let¡¯s go in my car, somece in private!¡± He shouts. ¡°I don¡¯t want to Jeff!¡± I shout. ¡°Jeff take it easy; we¡¯ve all been through a lot tonight!¡± Rochelle is now shouting. ¡°Right, and no one will tell me anything. It¡¯s fine! Fuck this, all of this!!! This is ruining everything we¡¯ve had Alex!¡± Jeff shouts. ¡°Jeff, chill out!¡± Rochelle shouts again. ¡°I-I¡¯ll stay with Alex and watch out for her, I promise.¡± Rochelle stutters. Jeff stands there cold, when blood starts to drip out of his nose. Rochelle and I look at him, then we look at each other. ¡°Whatever, I¡¯m done with this entire thing Alex. I mean it. Just, j-just leave me alone.¡± He says. The flutters in my stomach beat, and my vision is blurring from the tears filling up in my eyes. Jeff goes to wipe his nose, before walking to his car. Everything inside of me is experiencing adrenaline, and heart-break all at once. I watch him start his car when I run over to him in tears. He gets out of his car and gives me a hug. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Alex.¡± He cries in my arms. ¡°I just want to make sure you¡¯re okay. Y-you scared me to-night.¡± He states. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I scared you.¡± I state. ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± He says. We stand in silence for a while, embracing each other in a hug. ¡°I think I¡¯m getting blood on your clean shirt.¡± He states. ¡°That¡¯s fine.¡± Iugh. ¡°I love you I still do, I promise!¡± I cry. ¡°I love you too.¡± He says. He nods, before getting back in his car and driving away. About the Author Amelia E. S. is an indie writer, who writes scientific fiction. Lately, she¡¯s been exploring different writing genre¡¯s, like YA Romance, poems, and horror. Amelia E. S., has been a very creative person since, she was a young child. She''s very artsy, and has been with different forms of art, for as long as she can remember. Amelia, is now a college student, attending art school. Read more at Amelia E. S.¡¯s site. The Novel will be updated first on this website. Come back and continue reading tomorrow, everyone!