Chapter 96


    Maybe I''ve been dreaming because no situation has felt as real as this one does now. My heart won''t


    settle, my hands won''t keep still, I have to take deep breaths every little bit to calm myself. It''s only


    dinner. We''ve dealt with many more nerve-racking things before, but for some reason, this one scares


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    me the most. It''s the most normal. The most foreign to me.


    I brush my hair while standing in front of the mirror in my cozy bathroom, stroking the dark strands as it


    runs through. This seems to rx me. It''s six thirty, and I heard someone walk down the hall a few


    minutes ago. Assuming it was James, my mind keeps wandering to him, wondering what he''s doing. I


    think he''s in the shower.


    I set my brush down and leave the bathroom to change. My robe is wrapped tightly around me as I


    rummage through the closet, already knowing what''s in there, but looking as if new things have joined


    the collection. My shaky fingers tug at dresses, nice pants, blouses, and pull down a few. I set them on


    the bed to try things on. Before letting my robe drop to the floor, I close the shutters and lock the door.


    First, I shimmy on a dress.


    I check how I look in the mirror on the back of the door. It''s silver and detailed and princess-like, but I


    don''t look like a princess in it. The dress is ck and flowy, and much too short. If I bend down, I''ll sh


    my underwear, and if I reach up, I may just do the same. I switch to another dress, then another, then a


    lc blouse, then to a navy sweater.


    I eventually admit to myself that I hate this, trying on clothes in an attempt to look attractive. That part


    of me will never change.


    This is all an unwanted shback to times of getting ready for the gathering. The purple dress, the


    whining, the fear, the gold dress, the stumbling, my mother''s encouraging, and that bagging chest area


    that was never filled out. Only this time I will be talking to a guy, which right now, makes it worse. I feel


    like old Rae, wanting to stay in bed, reading a book under the yellow light of amp.


    My eyes shoot to the clock once I realize I''ve been sitting on the floor for a while. It''s five minutes to


    seven. I have five minutes.


    Naturally, I bring myself to a panic.


    "I can''t do this," I murmur, "I can''t do this, I can''t, I can''t, I''m not," all while slipping on my pajamas and


    throwing myself into my bed. "I can''t. I can''t." My eyes stare at the clock until the fifty-nine shes to


    two zeros, then they smack shut, squeezing all of the light out. My hands fist the covers before yanking


    them over my head, wanting to be anywhere else.


    I''m scared. I don''t know how to act normal with him. It was all fun and games when we slept and kissed


    and argued and hugged, but now it''s just straight conversation. Getting to know each other, how we


    eat, how we drink, how long I chew for before swallowing. Just us, alone, over food, which makes me


    even more anxious. Food.


    I remember when I was sixteen and chubby legged and cheeked, I remember the rules I had for


    myself. No more than some obscure amount of calories and absolutely no foods that weren''t guilt-free.


    Yet, every food had guilt in it back then.


    I wouldn''t eat in front of my mother. I wouldn''t look in the mirror for long periods of time. I would cry


    because I wasn''t them. It alwayses back to them, right? Those girls. The girls like her, the green-


    eyed girl. And she had him. She had James. He had her. He wanted her. That can''t be denied.


    Maybe he used her to distract himself from me as he says, but he still had her body. She was able to


    give it to him. She knows—she knows that she''s irresistible. She knows her hair is thick and soft, her


    skin is smooth and unmarked, her body is lean and curved, her touch—I bet he loved it. I bet he did.


    I want this to work, I really do, but I know that she''s going to haunt me. She''ll stride into his bedroom,


    the girl I''ll never be, and she''ll seduce him with the qualities I''ll never have.


    How do I tell him that it will ruin things? How do I tell him that I''m scared to be vulnerable to him like


    that?


    I was wanting to sleep in his bed, but did I think about what''s toe if I do?


    A sudden knock strikes the door, and I flinch, my eyes returning to the clock as my heart jolts forward.


    Twenty minutes past.


    "Rae?" James'' voice calls from the other side, making me freeze. "Dinner is ready. Do you need more


    time?"


    My lips open and close, open and close as I struggle to speak. "Uh... I—Well, I-I''m feeling a little


    unwell. I just—I don''t want to get anyone else sick." Coward. You''re a coward, Rae. You go downstairs


    and eat the lovely meal Gail put together right now!