Chapter 36.


    Heartbreaks are unfortunately amon part of the human experience and it really, really sucks.


    We''ve all been there, and it''s safe to say we all want to avoid experiencing heartbreak ever again.


    "I feel like my heart''s been ripped out," "it was gut-wrenching," "like a p on the face."— all hint at the


    way we associate with physical and emotional pain.


    Hormones aren''t just for randy teenagers. Our bodies produce a long list of hormones everyday for


    different purposes, including falling in and out of love. Love can be addictive, like a drug, because of


    the hormones our brain releases when we be really attached to someone.


    I''ve finallye to the realization that what happened with Tony was just depression. What I''m feeling


    now is the real heartbreak. It can often feel like it''s the end of the world. No amount of pain have ever


    felt so agonizing or concentrated. It''s like a giant hole is being pummeled into my chest, with no hope of


    repair.


    I cry, I scream, I watch Netflix until I''ve seen every documentary my subscription has to offer and yet


    nothing seems to smooth my heartbreak or soothe the longing I feel.


    True story: Breakups are a bitch, and heartbreak is a bigger bitch than fucking karma.


    I think I can say with pretty solid confidence, most people would rather get smacked in the face with a


    metal pole than gets their hearts broken. I am ny-nine percent of those ''most people''.


    I hear my room door open as I feel someone''s presence behind me. I''mid down on my bed so that


    my back is facing the door. It''s been three days since I got back home. My room is still the same except


    that Mom already took off the picture posters of Zac Effron from my room walls.


    "Your mom told me toe get you. Dinner would be ready in a minute."


    "I''m not hungry."


    "Well then, that''s extra food for me." Dad says and sees himself out of the room.


    Wow. Nice parenting Dad.


    I pick up my phone from my nightstand to check my messages but there''s nothing, nada, nil, zero,


    zilch, and any other word you can use to describe the rate at which someone can feel so deserted and


    worthless.


    Without wasting anymore time sulking over what happened, I bounce back on my feet and get myself a


    job as a Librarian at the town''s library. It''s pretty refreshing than being in istion in my enclosed room.


    The students thate visit keep mepany and I made friends with a few.


    Every morning at the crosswalk on my way to work, I see Him at the other side of the road dressed in


    his usual Doctor''s coat and smiling brightly at me but when I smile back, he vanishes into thin air, like


    he''s imprinted into my brain and appears when I want him to.


    "Happy Valentine''s Day Miss White!" A bubbly voice pierces through my ears as the door to the library


    bursts open, making all eyes dart to the owner of the voice and scowling at her lousiness. That''s


    Amanda. My overly lively sixteen year old regr customer at the library. She''s taken this unusual


    liking for me from the very first day I started work and I have to admit, it really is a joy when she''s


    around.


    "It''s Valentine''s Day already?" I take a quick look at my calendar and she rolls her eyes.


    "The whole country knows it. Have you been living under a rock?"


    "Metaphorically, yes."


    "Anyway! Here''s your gift," Amanda hands me a box of brown choctes with a red ribbon tied at the


    center.


    "Wow, thank you. I didn''t have anything prepared for you, sorry."


    "No that''s ok! This wasn''t originally meant for you, it was supposed to be for my crush but then he


    N?velDrama.Org content rights.


    turned down my proposal. His loss." She does a hair flip and I smile at her cockiness.


    "It''s simple logic you don''t ask someone to be your valentine on valentine''s day. What if he has a date


    already?"


    "I got it!" Her face lit up in a bright grin. "I''ll ask him to be my date to next year''s valentine so he


    wouldn''t be able to say no. Thanks, Miss White. You''re the best!"


    "Uhm... you''re wee?" I watch her as she dashes out of the library, stomping her boots to the floor


    as she runs.


    I get to close from work early because it''s a Saturday. The bus ride takes only fifteen minutes but I still


    feel stressed, more emotionally than physically.


    Both my parents exchange weird looks when I eat two bananas for dinner and head straight for my


    room because everyone knows I don''t eat fruits. If it''s not caked then I''m not having it.


    I hear my room door open as mom walks over to my bed and settles beside me.


    "How''s work?" She begins. I''m suspecting she knows something''s up.


    "It''s fine. I like it."


    "Do you really?"


    "It keeps me busy, " I say shortly.


    "Ok, then. You haven''t said why you''re back in New Jersey."


    "I miss you guys."


    "We both know that''s bull crap," She says and I sigh. "What''s wrong April? Is it a guy?"


    I nod weakly. "Is it Tony?"


    "Tony and I are done."


    "That''s quite a surprise," Her eyes sh with amusement.


    "Found out he cheated." I continue.


    "Still a surprise."


    "Kicked me out of the house."


    "And the surprise just keeps oning," I shoot her a look. "So what really is the problem?"


    "Everything mom, I fucked everything up. I''m a horrible person," My head falls to my hands as I sob


    uncontrobly in them, my shoulders shaking with intense tremor. I lean towards her body when she


    wraps her arms around me protectively. Who thought she would be the one to bother about my girl


    drama. I guess mothers would be mothers after all.


    She gives me a tissue to blow my nose after I''m done telling her the whole story.


    "How do you know you love him?"


    "I don''t know. It''s like I exist only when he does and when he''s not there, I''m like a walking shell that''ll


    crack at the slightest touch. It''s sick," I blow on my tissue once more.


    I see her open a drawer beside my bed and bring out a book. Ok I think that''s a bible.


    "Open the scriptures 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and read what''s in it."


    "I stopped going to church years ago. That won''t work on me."


    "Unless you''re the devil then yes, the Bible is for everyone. I want you to read those verses and rece


    the word ''love'' with your man''s name and if it''s not urate, he''s not the one," She stands up from the


    bed and kisses my forehead. "Now I have to go back to my room and treat your Dad''s snore like it''s a


    Marvin Gaye love song."


    I grin. "Good luck with that."


    I watch her close the door behind her and look back at the Bible on my hands. Reluctantly, I open the


    verse but just out of curiosity.


    "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor


    others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not


    delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always


    perseveres."


    I hope mom''s right. We both never really said our goodbyes because deep down in our minds, we


    knew it wasn''t the end.