Chapter 104


    My eyes stay fixated on James as Iy beside him, the sun just beginning to rise through the shutters.


    After the doctors left, after they stitched him up, he stayed here and fell asleep and he''s been asleep


    since. James slept through the night seamlessly, and I assume he must be healing. Alpha blood heals


    at a quicker pace, but I didn''t know he would be asleep for all of it. Part of me hoped for meaningful


    conversation as he rested in my bed, pillow talk, something deep.


    The doctors said he would be back to normal in a day or two.


    I get out of bed and walk into the bathroom, shutting the door while I wake up and turn on the shower. I


    don''t lock the door, and part of me gets a rush, but the other focuses on the fact that he''ll be asleep for


    the day. Anyway, I step in and try to rekindle the me, gathering up the excitement again. My hair


    sticks to my shoulders and my fingers draw swirls on the fogged ss until I imagine him in here.


    Suddenly my hands are acting as his as they wrap around my torso, running slowly across my wet skin.


    I pretend my touch is his, and I immediately realize how dangerous this game is. My back touches the


    tiled wall as if it were his chest, and his hands creep upward. I close my eyes and take in the sensation


    of the water raining down on me, dreaming. One of his hands runs down past my belly button while the


    other holds me. I feel him touch me and I pull away, not wanting to y anymore.


    I get out once I''m washed, and I get dressed in the bedroom in front of him as he sleeps. Then I make


    my way downstairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. I find Theresa here but not Gail. "She''s not


    feeling well," Theresa exins. "I''m sure she''ll be back in a few days."


    "Everyone''s not feeling well," Iment. "James will be back on his feet in a day or two, that''s what the


    doctors said."


    "Oh, good. He''ll be resting all day then."


    I sigh. "Yeah."


    "I''m sure Will has everything under control."


    The doorbell rings and Theresa answers as I continue eating. Not expecting anyone exciting, I ignore


    the voices until the sound of footsteps going upstairs grab me and Theresaes back with an uneasy


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    look on her face. "Was it Will?" I ask, curious.


    Theresa takes a seat. "No, it wasn''t."


    "Well, who was it then? Theodore? A guard?"


    "It was his father," she says and my heart jolts, "he''d heard that there was an ident and that James


    was hurt. I told him it wasn''t bad, and he went to see him."


    I ce down my fork, not knowing what to do. His father doesn''t know that I exist. Should I hide?


    Should I confront him with a lie? Should I confront him with the truth? My heart picks up pace and I feel


    the need to stand up and move. I walk around the kitchen in circles, and Theresa watches me. "What


    are you doing?" She asks.


    "Is he just here to see him? He''s not staying, is he?"


    "I''m not sure," she says, "now sit down and tell me why you''re acting like this."


    "His father—he doesn''t know about me," I confess. "He doesn''t know that James has a Mate."


    "Well, why don''t you introduce yourself then? I''m sure he''d be happy to know."


    James said he wasn''t a good man, that he didn''t want him in my life for good reason, so I should wait


    until he wakes up. I''ll just avoid his father and hope that he leaves in an hour or two. "I think I should


    wait for James," I tell her. "He''d want to be a part of it, I think."


    When I''m finished eating, I anxiously grab the diaries from where Gail left them in the living room and


    head into the closed-off room, moving quick so his father doesn''t see me. I close the door behind me


    and sit in the small chair, opening the second years.


    January 7th, 1992


    It has only been two days, but I am sure that I am pregnant. I can feel it. I can feel it inside of me, the


    changes, his child. When I had first decided that I was pregnant yesterday, I thought that I would have


    been happy, but I am only scared. I see her in my dreams, the Moon Goddess. She lurks towards me


    and digs her nails into my pregnant stomach. She ws at my skin.


    I sit in the library all day because it is the only ce I feel safe. Jameses in and tries to get me to


    leave, and I do for meals and bathing and sleep, but it is not enough for him. He yells at me because


    he is frustrated because he cannot understand my fears. He holds me at night and I tell him that I feel


    unsafe in his arms. I feel unsafe everywhere but in the library. Last night he shouted that I should sleep


    in there, so I did. It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks.


    It will be five months until I can hold my baby in my arms. It will be five months of hiding from her, but it


    is worth it.


    January 23, 1992


    I am not pregnant. We had gone to see the doctor and he said I am not pregnant. She will not let me be


    happy. She will not let me, but I will keep trying.


    January 28, 1992


    We had tried against night and James felt very distant during. It is as if he no longer takes joy in


    trying for children, and it makes me feel dirty. I feel whorish when I have to beg him to try with me,


    when he treats it as a job and not a pleasure. Afterward, I went into the bathroom and cried a little. I am


    sure he could hear me, but he did note in to check on me. I had stayed in the bathroom for an


    hour and when I came out he was asleep, so I went to the library and slept there. Theresa had dragged


    down a mattress and set it on the floor. It takes up most of the room, but it''sfortable for when I


    sleep.


    January 29th, 1992


    Will you talk with me, Diary? James won''t.