Chapter 82


    November 30th, 1991


    I cannot leave my bedroom. I cannot face him. I have lost my baby. My baby has slipped between my


    fingers, leaving me forever, never toe back. I feel empty. James feels empty. He has tried


    speaking with me, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing I want to say anymore. The doctor says


    that many women have miscarriages and it should not stop me from trying again, but there is a cloud of


    discouragement over my head. It floats there, never to go away. I want my baby. Goddess, please. I


    need my baby.


    December 1st, 1991


    I feel sad today. I feel sad every day. I want my baby back. Please, please, Goddess give me my child.


    December 5th, 1991


    James says we can try again when I am ready, but I know she will take my baby again. She took my


    baby and I will never forgive her.


    James tells me that I need time to heal. I love him. It is soon but I know I love him. He has hurt me, but


    I love him. Is that why she took my baby? Because I am a weak woman in her eyes?


    I close the diary and regret having opened it in the first ce. I get up from my bed and set the diary


    back on my desk, not wanting to think about Julianna''s pain. I wish I could travel back and tell her that


    she doesn''t have to be discouraged because one day she would have a son, one day she would have


    a child.


    Content is property ? N?velDrama.Org.


    Since I have been home, bored and lonely, my daydreams have grown from wishful thoughts to


    intricate, imaginary parts of my life. Some of them are with James, and some of them are not. Those


    are the frightening ones, the ones where I am wrinkled and alone, sitting in this house day by day,


    never leaving, never dying, just existing with no purpose. No mother, no mate, no child to care for.


    Nothing. And I think about this often which causes me to scold myself for not making any friends. I


    should have sat with those people at the table or chatted with that possible Stacey more, but no.


    My mother has been telling me about a boy she thinks I should meet. I told her off, angry, upset,


    ming up to my room only to lock myself in and hide. The idea of meeting a boy makes me physically


    sick.


    The boy''s name is Noah and he is my age. He is my mother''s friend''s son and my mother will not stop


    mentioning him. I told her that I have no interest in meeting anyone, but she is persistent. She has


    invited her friend and the boy over for dinner tonight, and I swore that I wouldn''te down from my


    room like a stubborn child. I swore that I will never meet this boy if it is thest thing I do.


    What am I scared of?


    Losing my one chance, I suppose. Losing James, my one and only mate. The person who was never


    supposed to exist, the person who shunned me, who showed a hint of love then pushed me away for


    my own benefit. Would he think me weak if I told him that after everything he has done, I didn''t want to


    leave? I wanted to stay and work through this, fix the mistakes made, give forgiveness and move on if


    he was willing? Does that make me weak? Did forgiving James make Julianna weak?


    I don''t think she is weak, I think she is strong sometimes but broken on the inside. Is that me? Am I


    know. I can''t tell if I am broken or not.


    A brief warning knockes to my door before my mother opens it and peeks inside. "They''ll be here


    any minute. Can you get dressed?"


    Iy on my bed and peer up at her. "I already told you that—"


    "Rae, please. Stop acting like this. It''s been weeks, it''s time to move on now."


    My eyes harden as that familiar feeling of betrayal fumes up. I sit up swiftly. "Time to move on? Time to


    move on? He is my mate!"


    "He was your mate," she interrupts, "not anymore."


    I have a need to break things, to m the door in her face and throw everything in this obnoxious room


    out the window. I need to scream and stomp my feet and cry about how he is still my mate, he''s my


    mate, he didn''t reject me, he is still mine! "Get out. Just because you got over Dad''s death so quickly


    doesn''t mean I''m as cold-hearted as you."


    I can see the sudden hurt and anger in her eyes before she turns her back on me and returns


    downstairs. I hear the doorbell ring and I can''t help but swing the door shut, not wanting to hear a word


    from any of them. I have to calm down, I have to cool.