Joanne''s point of view.
Standing in the shower, I grab the small mirror to take a good look at my bits and bobs. The mirror steams up, so I wipe it repeatedly, before adding some Dove shower gel to it, then wipe it again. It is not perfect, but a lot better, and I can get somewhat of a good look at what is going on down there. Good, my scabby rash has all gone, but now I am left with the predicament of designer p***y stubble, not a good look.
"ALEXA, WHAT TIME IS IT?" I shout through to the damned device in my bedroom.
"The time is 9:45 am," the machine answers.
s**t, that means I have T minus 45 minutes before Whip-Me picks me up.
I grab the new packet of razors, and wrestle with it. You need a freaking razor to open the damned packet, seriously, it should not be this hard.
The packet finally opens, and the razors fall everywhere. Just my luck. What was it my mother always said? More haste, less speed. I guess she was right, again!
Finally, I am silky smooth, everywhere, not a designer p***y stubble in sight, and I jump out of the shower, and realise I left the clean towels in my bedroom. Great, now I am going to have to do the naked dash. Turning on my electric toothbrush, I clean my teeth, as I run naked across the hallway, water dripping off me, and leaving wet footprints on the carpet, to my bedroom. I am really hoping nobody is walking up the street and looking in mynding window and see my wobbly bits wobbling everywhere as I make a run for a towel.
I look at myself in the mirror, and grimace. How Whip-Me finds any of this sexy is beyond me. I mean, the little rhymees to mind.
Do your t**s hang low?
Can you tie them in a bow?
The answer to that question is definitely a YES. I probably could.
Still, the sexy stud muffin, that is Kelvin ''Whip-Me'' Webber, tells me repeatedly how sexy, gorgeous, and wonderful I am.
Maybe he is only saying it to get into my granny pants, but let me be honest, he doesn''t need to fill me withpliments in order to have his wicked way with me. I am a sure bet right now.
I shudder slightly, as memories of that date in the cinemae to mind. Hell, the man has talented fingers. After disclosing to him, that I have not had a man who was able to bring me to my climax, he took it as a challenge. Let''s just say, he did a spectacr job under our coats as we watched Top Gun 2. Tom Cruise was not the only one flying high that night. Whip-Me has serious skills.
To be honest, things are great, he is attentive, helpful to everyone, even building a tree house slide thing for the kids in Cal''s new garden. The man practically has ''perfect'' tattooed on his forehead. But me being me, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Other than that magical night, we have snogged each other''s faces off like horny teenagers more than a few times, and the odd grab of my ample low hanging boobies, which he insists are perfect. But, we have yet to ''seal the deal'' and well, tonight is the night. My rash is all gone, and he is taking me out for a romantic day, which he promises will be the most memorable date ever.
I pull on my jeans, wiggling my fat arse into them, theny on the bed in order to button and zip them up. Best not eat a lot, else the button will probably pop; they are that tight. But Lucy, the darling she is, told me I looked amazing and never mind if they were a little young in fashion, I looked fantastic. She did say to remember to shave my knees, as the rips in them expose that often-overlooked area of anybody''s body, a tip I am most grateful for, seeing my knees poking through the rips.
I pull out the bright red tight fitting in t-shirt, with a V-neck, and pull on my new red bra, one that lifts the girls up and showcases my more-than-ample cleavage.
Let''s hope I don''t drop food down there, I kid you not, one night I took off my bra and crumbs fell out of my cleavage, some stuck underneath my boobs!
Yes, I am that ssy! It is called, ''Big tit problems'' and yes, that is a thing... trust me!
Bending over and feeling like the cirction to my brain had been cut off, I pull on a pair of sketches, then tie my hair up into a high ponytail, before adding a small sttering of make-up.
That''s it; job done. I''m as ready as I''m going to be, so pick up my bag and head downstairs, and sit waiting for my young stud muffin to arrive.
Whip-Me knocks on the door, and I rush to open it. Damn, I feel giddy right now. As I opened it, he is standing with the biggest smile on his handsome face.
"Hey girl, you are smoking hot today," Whip-Mepliments me, as his eyes trail up and down my stuffed-in-jeans body, making mydy region heat up, and weep in response to his deep sexy Barry White type voice.
"Thank you, you are not so bad yourself." I grin at him.
He is hot-damned-gorgeous! I feel myself, possibly needing a fresh pair of knickers. He is stood in dark blue wash denims, a white t-shirt that clings to his muscles and hot damn, do I want to sack off this date and strip him naked and show off my no stubble bits and bobs.
"So, are you ready to go?" he asks with a smirk on his delicious ''kiss me now''lips.
"A-ha," I smile, nodding my head.
He ushers me out of the door, and I turn to lock it. Nosy Nora over the road is curtain twitching again, and so I smile and wave, letting her see that I''ve noticed her spying on me. No doubt the fact Whip-Me and I are going out again will have done the rounds twice over before I get home tonight. Ah well, when they''re gossiping about me and my cougar activities, they are leaving someone else alone, I suppose.
I slump down into the passenger seat of the car, praying my button doesn''t pop, as Whip-Me closes the door behind me, then rounds the car and quickly gets in.
"I cannot believe, I almost forgot, because you took my breath away," he says, then leans over and his lips meet mine with the softest brush that promises of more toe, sending a tingle direct to mydy bits.
"Smooth talker." Iugh at him, shaking my head.
Whip-Me chuckles and shrugs his shoulders.
"I may be smooth, but it''s the truth, I was literally stunned by how drop dead gorgeous you look. Although those skin-tight jeans beg the question, how the hell did you get into them?" he states.
"Start with a Bacardi and coke." Iugh.
Whip-Me chuckles at me, shaking his head slightly.
"Noted." He nods, then pulls away as Nosy Nora over the road hangs round her curtain watching us disappear down the street.
"So how are you on water?" Whip-Me asks.
"Good." I smile at him, never been seasick, or any kind of travel sick.
"Great. So, my friend Jack from the Royal National Lifeboat Institution has bought a new boat. It''s moored on the Tyne, on Newcastle quayside. He agreed to rent it to me for today. So, I thought we could head out down the river and anchor off the Tynemouth beach and have some lunch." Whip-Me smiles. "Wow, that is cool." I grin at him.
I''ve never had a man go to so much trouble for me, and I cannot deny, ... it feels good.
"I''ve not seen the boat, but he assures me it''s amazing. He is going to sail it for us, obviously, but we have the whole thing to ourselves," Whip-Me exins.
We pull up into therge carpark behind the crown court and walk down to the quayside hand-in-hand. As I look out onto the River Tyne I stop in my tracks. Before me is a huge boat, well more like a luxury yacht, it''s gun-metal-grey, and by far thergest boat moored.
"Bloody hell, is your friend a billionaire or something?" I breathe, my eyes wide.
"I know he said it was amazing, but I honestly didn''t expect this," Whip-Me answered, as taken-a-back as I was.
Excitement begins to bubble in my tummy, as we walk towards the massive vessel, when a man of around Whip-Me''s age shouts over and waves.
"Kelvin, great to see you."
"Jack, thanks for this. Let me introduce you to my girlfriend Joanne. Joanne this is Jack," Whip-Me introduces me.
s**t, girlfriend, more like olddy friend, but hell it gives me a pleasant shiver, down my spinending right at my freshly shaven haven, to be thought of as the girlfriend of Whip-Me.
"Nice to meet you." I smile at Captain Jack and cannot help but wonder if he''s a pirate like his namesake and hasmandeered the beautiful boat we''re about to set sail on. "Soe on, hop on board." Jack grins at us
Whip-Me and I nod out heads in excitement, I mean who the hell gets a chance to go on a boat like this around here? This is clearly a one-off event, and I intend to make the most of it.
With his arm casually slung over my shoulder, and a bright smile on his face, Wipe-Me and I walk towards the gang nk of the massive luxury yacht.
"No, not that one." Jackughs.
"This one," he indicates with his hand to the small blue fishing boat that is moored behind.
I cannot help the wave of disappointment, then look at Whip-Me''s face, and roll my lips together, desperate not tough, as he is stood with his mouth hanging ck, as he nces between the two boats. "s**t, I hope it floats, it is a rust bucket," Whip-Me whispers to me.
"Well, if he is part of the RNLI, I guess we are safe," I reply, holding in myugh, but failing miserably.
"Isn''t she beautiful." Jack grins proudly looking at the tiny boat, with ky blue paint around the hull.
"Yes, she is lovely," I reply politely.
Jack nods happy with my response, as Whip-Me still stands staring at the yacht in front like it''s a long-lost lover, before holding my hand, and gently helping me aboard the boat, that stinks like a tin of tuna.
"Pop your lifejackets on, and make yourselvesfortable, and I''ll get us underway." Jack smiles, as we head to the back of the boat, finding a wet wooden bench to sit down on as Jack heads up into his little white cabin, and we set off.
"I am so sorry," Whip-Me says as soon as Jack is out of earshot. Putting the bright yellow life vest, with bright red whistle on me.
"Don''t be, this will be fun, I mean who wants to sail on a posh yacht anyway." I giggle.
"It stinks," Whip-Me states, then begins to chuckle.
"Just a bit, don''t think I will eat tuna for a while." Iugh.
"s**t Joanne, can you tell everyone I hired that yacht, and not this shitty thing?" Whip-Meughs.
"Not a chance in hell, although I am going to take a picture of both, just for posterity." I amughing hard now, tears rolling down my cheeks, as we both look at the posh yacht as we chug by it and wave at the people on board. "Well, I was right about one thing, this date is going to be memorable." Whip-Meughs.
"It''s not the size of the boat; it is the motion in the ocean." I reply and wink.
"But let''s be honest, you really want a big boat." Whip-Me winks back at me, thenughs as he ces his arm around my waist.