58 - Kennedy


    I leaned up against the ss trying to gain my breath and the use of my legs. Why have the two best s*xual encounters of my life been with a man who has barely touched me? When I regain the use of my legs and my senses, I strip and grab my favorite vibrator and get in the shower.


    Part of me hopes he hears it and part of me is embarrassed that he got to me so easily and really doesn''t want to inte his ego.


    After three rounds of imagining all the different ways I could take Ryker in the shower, my body was finally spent.


    It''s amazing how vivid my imagination is when he is the subject. I may break the rechargeable battery if I keep this up.


    I crawl into bed and my mood quickly changes as I get ready for the dreams, hoping I''m too tired for them to be really bad.


    I have been alright so far, better than I thought anyway. My nightmares have morphed once again and this time I am not in the dream first hand, but watching from the outside as a spectator. The emotions don''t follow either, so I don''t wake up screaming, just sad at the loss. I have a voice that sounds a lot like Rayna in the back of my head telling me it''s my proximity to Ryker, or more likely his scent, that is helping keep my mind calm. Me and my inside voice are going to agree to disagree. He can''t be helpful and an asshole. It''s got to be me finally getting used to the trauma and finally processing and epting that this is my life, without my parents...and my friends. That''s what I will keep telling myself anyway.


    I am growing up and my subconscious is finally getting on board with the program.


    I wish I could call and talk to Jer or Ben or Rayna about it. Hell, I would settle for talking to Tommy. But, I haven''t had contact with any of them since I have been here and I don''t know if that''s because they are busy living their lives and really don''t have the time, or if it''s Ryker and his stupid ''keep me contained'' rules. Thinking it''s thetter helps me stay angry with him as I get ready and head downstairs.


    I have told Be to let them know that I am okay, if he''s allowed to talk to them on my behalf. He hasn''t said anything so I don''t know. I have no idea how any of this works and it feels stupid to need a middle man for me to talk to my brother, but it''s where I''m at right now.


    I notice a couple bruises on my torso as I get dressed. I thought I would have one from Rykers shoulder, but I''m not sure how I got the others. They aren''t super dark or big.


    I must have bumped into something or maybe I flopped around Ryker''s shoulder more than I thought. I didn''t feel great thest couple of days, but that could be anything. My whole schedule is off so maybe I am getting sick.


    I''ll just have to watch it and maybe do extra tea for a few days, or talk to Robin about seeing a healer.


    I head into the breakfast room to find a lot more people than normal. Usually the warriors that are up this early have already eaten and are out on patrol. I try to time my breakfast so I''m not in the way of the guys protecting the pack. For all of Ryker''s demands andining, I really don''t leave the packhouse much.


    I know how important these warriors are and their job is demanding. I schedule everything I do around their jobs and duties to the pack so I''m not in the way. I haven''t really figured out my role here so ''out of the way'' is my go to mentality.


    I make a te and look around at all the tables. Normally I would sit with Be and a few of the warriors, but I don''t know what happened after Ryker left me yesterday. As much as I am willing to defy Ryker at every turn strictly to piss him off,


    I won''t do anything to jeopardize anyone else''s position or job.


    And information always has a way of getting back to the Alpha, even when he isn''t here. I don''t know what he told them about me staying away from them or being stuck in the packhouse, but he would take it out on them, just like threatening Jensen yesterday.


    Who I notice isn''t at breakfast and my heart sinks a little. I hope Ryker didn''t really beat him for not being able to find me yesterday. I don''t want any of them guilty by