WINTER 2014“LEAN INTO IT, Delphine,” Regina encourages as my mind whispers along the memory while fear threatens to rob me of it.“Lean in,” she repeats evenly, “and tell me where you are.”“The kitchen,” I ry as anxiety fills me.Nerves firing, I take a numbing sip before putting the finishing touches on dinner as in showers. The shift in him thisst week has me on edge.“Delphine. Tell me what’s happening right now.”“I’m cooking dinner. But something isn’t right. in is not acting right.”Studying the notes from in’stest meeting where theyy on the kitchen table, I sense him behind me before stubbing my cigarette out in the marble ashtray. “Oh, good, dinner is almost ready.”Turning, I see in dressed, his hair still damp from the shower, but it’s the box he’s holding that has dread settling over me. Especially when he raises condemning eyes to mine.“He found them.”“Found what?” Regina asks.“What are these?” in asks as I eye the box I hid in the back of my closet a week ago. Lead coats my stomach as his eyes lower a fraction in spection. A look I dread. A look I know far too well. Is this what his behavior has been about? Relieved that this may be the totality of his suspicions, I eye the box.“Those are my new Doc Martens,” I tell him simply.“When did you buy them?”“I didn’t. They were given to me by a friend.”“What friend?”“A friend from work, you know Diane,” I ry passively just as a sharp knock sounds on the storm door.“Ello,” Ormand greets, walking in and shaking off the rain from the downpour outside. I fight not to close my eyes due to the weight of in’s unrelenting stare as tension starts to roll off my husband. Tension which mounts as he turns to greet Ormand, who lowers his own eyes to the box in in’s hands.“Breathe, Delphine, tell me what is happening now,” Regina prompts.“Ormand is h-here. His . . . expression—he is gloating. in is going to know. I can see it in his eyes. He’s fed up.”“Why is Ormand fed up, Delphine?”“H-he wants me to l-leave in for him. He is going to tell in. I can feel it.”“Ah, Delphine,” Ormand speaks, “so you finally showed him the boots I brought you. Don’t worry, in,” he assures with an overenthusiastic p on my husband’s back. One that makes me flinch. “I got them so cheap.”“Delphine, I’m right here,” Regina whispers as I start to shake uncontrobly. “You are safe. Tell me what’s happening.”My mind whispers back out of those tense moments as I lean in. Frustration threatens, but I breathe at Regina’smand for long seconds before I’m granted a sh of myself in my bedroom. Twisting the coiled phone cord in my hand while staring at the lock on the bedroom door.“What’s happening, Delphine? Where are you now?”“I’m in the bedroom, calling Celine toe because Ormand is leaving. The front door just closed. in ising for me. He’sing.”“Delphine, breathe with me,” Regina coaxes. “Inhale. Good. Exhale. Good. Where are you now?”“I’m in the bedroom. I’ve locked the door and . . . I’m staring at the knob. There’s no way out.”My entire body shudders as in bursts through the bedroom door, his expression . . . “He’s going to kill me.”“Delphine, listen to me. You are home, in your home with Tyler. You are safe.”My mind races with images of in’s fury as shes of pain follow. Visions that refuse to be brought into focus, refusing to reveal themselves to me.“Delphine, can you tell me where you are now? What’s happening?”“I don’t know. I can’t see anything.” Just as I say it, I see myself gripping in’s hands, wing at them as the carpet burns my back, my scalp screaming.“He is dragging me through the house, into the kitchen.”Screams, my screams, echo through my mind, filling my ears as in delivers one vicious blow after another, spittle dripping from his mouth and onto my face as sounds start to muddle, only a few ringing clear. The sound of ripping clothes . . . and pain. So much pain. Burning and tearing. Darkness follows briefly and my breath stops altogether . . . it’s then the image I had weeks ago bes clear. The sight of in standing at the kitchen table feet away. Death in his eyes, my death, clear and imminent from where Iy on the floor. Seething, he stares down at me with pure hatred and malice as he starts to reach for . . .Darkness epasses me, utter andplete darkness as only muddled sounds make it through. Awareness and then none. It’s then I realize I’m going in and out of consciousness as the voices continue to cascade in sound. It’s my sister’s voice which rings through first. A voice that I cling to.“Sister, can you hear me?”“Celine . . .” I wheeze, my voice broken. “I can’t see.”“Delphine, where are you?” Regina asks urgently.“What,” I croak. “. . . What happened?”Beau’s voice booms throughout the kitchen as my sister cradles my head in herp, sobbing uncontrobly.“It hurts so much, and I can’t see anything.”“Where does it hurt?” Regina prods.“Between my legs . . . my side, my hand, my throat, my head. I’m bleeding. I’m . . . naked below the waist. Beau is screaming so loud it hurts.”“What is he saying, Delphine?”“I will fucking kill you!” Beau shouts. A loud thwack sounds against the ss of the sliding door before in screams out in pain.“Beau, stop!” Celine cries out in panic. “You’re going to kill him!”inin is what happened.The boots. The fucking boots.Darkness . . .Ezekiel’s voice sounds from somewhere at the front of the house as Ie to. “Papa, what is happening? Why are you yelling at in?”“Celine,” I manage to croak, forcing the words out around the pain. Every sybleing out cracked, broken, my voice foreign. “Do . . . not let Ezekiel see.”“Tobias, get your brother and get back in the car! Right now!” Celine shouts.“Where is Tatie?” Ezekiel calls as the screen door creaks open.“Tobias, go!” Beau booms. “Now!”“I’m going!” Ezekiel shouts, and by his insolent tone, I know I’m shielded from his view. “Come on, Dom.”Darkness.More struggle and grunts as Ie to, and Celine presses a warm cloth to my eyes. “Hold on, Delphine,” she whispers. “Hold on, sister. Beau! Where is the goddamned ambnce?!”Beau’s rage fills my ears. “You better fucking run and far, in, because if the police don’t catch you, I will hunt you down myself and fucking kill you!”Darkness . . .The sliding door sounds, along with thetch.“He’s gone,” Beau tells Celine, his voice strained. It’s then panic starts to rise inside me.“Beau, p-please.” Every word burns as I force them out. “Please, don’t let”—my voice fractures again—“them see.”“Take them home,” Beau orders Celine just after, his own voice hoarse and broken as a siren starts to wail in the distance. “Go, Celine. Take them home. They don’t need to see this.”“I can’t leave her!”“Please, Celine,” I croak.“Okay,” she cries, “okay, I’lle right back, I’lle right back as soon as I can.” She leans down, her breath hitting my face, voice cracking. “I love you, sister.”“Celine, go,” Beau orders more insistently.All goes quiet when the storm door snaps closed with Celine’s departure, and I open my eyes a fraction. When the light again blinds me, I mp them closed. “Beau?”“I’m here,” he utters before I’m covered with a nket. Darkness threatens to pull me back under, but it’s fear which has me fighting to stay conscious. To warn him. As he tightens our sped hands, I can feel the cuts and blood on his knuckles, apologies pouring from him. “I thought he had stopped, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”“Beau . . . you have to go,” I whisper. “You . . . Ezekiel—”“Shh, I’m not leaving you . . . I thought he stopped. If I had known . . . I’m here, Delphine. I’m here,” he croaks. “. . . I’m so sorry,” he whispers as the wail of the siren draws closer. “He’s gone, and he’s nevering back. I’ll never let him near you again . . . Jesus, why, Delphine, why, why did you stay with him?”“It’s my fault . . . I brought you here.”“What?”“. . . A-Abel,” I whisper as Beau’s breath catches. “If I left him . . . in was going to tell Abel where to find his grandson.” I swallow the burn the words cause, my panic rising as I force my warning out. “Beau, Abel Baran cannot find Ezekiel—”Beau’s gasp is cut by darkness as it finally takes me under.“It was Beau.” Tears glide down my cheeks as I speak the truth aloud. What truth I’m able to speak. “It was Beau who chased in off.”“Okay, Delphine . . . follow my voice now. We’re leaving that kitchen together. We’re going to that hospital room, to the peach light. To Beau and the doctor.”For lingering seconds, my vision remains filled with the engrained images of that hospital room. From the peach light to the itchy gown. To the arrival of the haze and Beau’s fuzzy outline. The doctor’s voice. Focusing on those images, that memory as Regina guides me, I continue to narrow my vision to the edge of it as Ormand’s sobs sound at my side. The days, weeks, and months after, all a blur of mixed memories, many unclear as the haze set in and my new life began. But it’s enough. Enough of the memory of the night my husband tried to kill me.“Breathe deeply . . . in and out . . . inhale . . . exhale. Good. So good. Breathe. Good . . . now, when you are ready, I want you to open your eyes.”A scream rips from me when I open my eyes and shoot straight up on the couch before racking sobs begin to pour from me.“Delphine,” Regina coaxes, “you are in the home you share with Tyler. Outside, the world is different. You are different. Do you understand? You are safe, Delphine. It’s over. It’s over,” she whispers as my cries start to subside. After several long minutes, my vision begins to clear, and Regina’s watering eyes finallye into view. “You are home and safe. Give me a nod if you can.”I nod as the final pieces click into ce. Not a single memory I want to reim remains. None worth having. My life now full of only the memories I want to keep. With my soldier, in our heaven. Good days and bad. With Tyler.“We will sort every emotion you are feeling, Delphine. I swear to you, but for now, we’re going to give that beautiful brain of yours a little rest.”“I remembered,” I finally say, “I remembered,” I croak in disbelief, eyeing the shoebox I retrieved from my old housest night. After weeks of fruitless sessions, of drawing nks. Weeks of believing my damaged brain would never allow me to see, I recovered the box from my closet in onest effort to try. Biting my lip, my eyes drift back to the woman I finally allow myself to truly view, to regard as Tyler’s mother.“Thank you, Regina.” I swallow. “I will find a way to thank you.”“These circumstances are really unique, and so this request is purely selfish albeit unprofessional, but would you be okay if I hugged you?”“Oui, yes,” I say. With permission, she pulls me gently into her embrace, and I crumble in relief, holding her back just as tightly. The tears far more quietly shed than any others in our nearly ny hours together as my body releases each one until an exhausted sleep ims me.I wake up with strong arms surrounding me, lifting me, and look up to see Tyler gazing down at me. His expression is pained, though his posture is stoic. It’s clear he’s indecisive about what he needs to be for me right now as I palm his face to ease his anxiety. “I remembered,” I whisper. “I remembered that night, Tyler,” I croak, “and I am okay.”“I’m here, baby,” he murmurs. “I’m right here if you want to talk about it.” I nce around as he walks me toward our bedroom.“Is it nighttime?”“Yes, you’ve been out for a few hours. Are you hungry?” he asks, depositing me on our bed and kneeling beside it, gripping my hand between his. “What can I do?”“You’ve done enough,” I whisper, running my fingers through his lengthening hair.“Are you okay?” he croaks, real fear in his return gaze.“You heard me scream?”He nods.“It was a scream of outrage, Soldier,” I tell him honestly. “He gets no more of my fear . . .” I palm his jaw. “I’m d you made him suffer, and I don’t care what that makes me.” I gently stroke his face as his eyes frantically search me. “I feel safe, I promise, and I love you.”“I love you, too, baby . . . fuck,” he croaks, running a hand through his messy hair. It’s then I recognize the true state of him.“Tyler. I’m okay. I’m not lying to you. Look at me.”He does, his eyes roaming every inch before he finally nods, seeming satisfied. I turn on my pillow to fully face him, studying him carefully, astonished by the soldier I created. In utter awe of the secrets I suspect he’s been guarding. “And though I am d you made in suffer, you did not reveal all to me when you confessed about that night, did you?”He slowly shakes his head. “I was going to tell you.”“You found out that night that you went to in why I stayed? You learned of his threat . . . about Abel?”He nods again.“And you never told Ezekiel?”He blows out a long breath. “I can’t and never will.”“And why is that, my soldier?”“I had to,” he whispers. “By the time I got there, Abel was already moving in on Tobias. They were ying chess in a park in France. I saw a window and used it to eliminate the threat to my brother.” He swallows. “As far as Tobias knows, Abel died with no foul y. T attended his funeral.”“And you have kept this hidden from him all this time?”He nods. “As much as I feel T should know what you endured to protect him, protect them all, you guarded this secret, so I did, too.”“I endangered them by urging them toe here. I just didn’t realize it until they came to join me in the States. I wrote those letters before I discovered what Abijah was hiding. It was only after they got here that he started to threaten me.” I sigh. “Over time, I realized there was only one thing in wanted more than anything else.”“You,” he deduces easily.“And I will never understand it.”“Sadly, I do,” Tyler rasps out mournfully.“Not like that. It’s as if he became obsessed, and it was only my obedience that kept him quiet.”“Abel was . . . Jesus.” He shakes his head, bewildered.“The most evil of men.” I nod. “You will one day find out that the longer you y this game, Soldier, how small this world truly is and how few real yers there are. But, you’ve already discovered that, haven’t you?”Another dip of his chin as I sober my expression considerably.“Tyler, listen to me, I never want Ezekiel to know of his grandfather’s true nature. I never want him to know the evil that exists on his father’s side, of the tainted blood that runs in his veins. Please, promise me you will keep this secret.”“I promise,” he vows. “Baby, I swear it.”“And now Ezekiel is ying a dangerous game with Antoine?”“He’s winning,” Tyler counters. “It’s only a matter of time before it ys out in T’s favor. Dom is already digging into it in France, and he’s not going to let it go. You have to trust us.”“I will, I do. With everything, you have my trust. And now, sadly, you shoulder this burden with me. But some things are better left undiscovered by those we protect. This is a burden you will carry often in your position.”“I’m good with it,” he swears, “and I’ve learned from the best,” he rys with a sad smile. “But fuck baby, what you’ve gone through.”“It’s nothingpared to what you will face. I’m sorry for this for you.”He gazes at me, his question evident.“Ask me, Tyler.”“Why didn’t you kill him, Delphine?”“As much as I wanted to, as many times as I almost did, my gift is gathering information, deciphering intent, and strategy. So with in, that’s what I did. I spent so many years in fear of Abel, finally realizing as each one passed that he was biding his time until Ezekiel grew. But of course, you eventually saved me from that fear, too.”“You suffered enough.”“I am tired, Soldier. I know you are curious, and we have much to discuss, but can we maybe talk of this another time?”“Of course,” he agrees easily.“Will you stay with me until I sleep?”He’s instantly on his feet with my request, taking off his shirt while pushing off his boots. A heartbeatter he’s pulling me to fit inside his arms. I run my fingertips along the space between the knuckles of the palm holding me to him as I speak.“Hear me. I will never think less of you for protecting me or my nephews, Soldier. I will never see you as anything more than a man who saved me,” I whisper. “And you truly have saved me, Tyler, in every way.”“It’s only fair,” he murmurs, emotion evident in his voice, “because you saved me first.”