Book 4: Chapter 15: Elves are Officially Insane_Beers and Beards

While I wanted to immediately run to THE winery, I did technically have a job to do. As I was immediately reminded when a stately human-shaped elfess stepped forward. She had the same lime green skin and red hair as the rest of the elves I’d seen, and she was dressed in brightly shining chainmail and te pauldrons with white trees painted on them. Her hair was done up in a red perm with emerald hairpin ents. She had a spear strapped over her right shoulder, and an epee at her waist.

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 “Greetings, Ambassador Roughtuff,” she said, bowing. “I’m Lady Laurelstone. Wee to Awemedinand! I’ve been posted by His Majesty to assist you in getting settled.”

 She had the same kiwi ent as Joseph. A whole country of surfer dude and dudette elves was going to be… interesting.

 “Thank you Lady Laurelstone.” I bowed back, no fist-bumps here!

 She smiled. “No trouble on the teleportation here? Was it your first time?”

 “Nah, no trouble. And aye, it was me first time. I appreciate tha [Healers].” I waved at the grumble of crying, groaning dwarves and hard-working white-saronged medics.

 “Of course! We’re quite used to the effect that seeing the sun for the first time can have on our dwarven cuzzies. Though most usually arrive with smoked lenses, and take them off for the healers.” Her voice grew pensive. “Did… nobody warn you?”

 “They must’ve forgotten to mention it.” My return smile was edged. Schist. Someone would’ve warned Schist. I’d have to duke it out with the old fisherdwarf when we returned.

 She bowed again, “I do apologize. I hope it won’t colour your view of our beautiful country.”

 I waved her concerns off. “No, it’s quite alright. Ambassador Stannard was just exining it all to me.”

 She nced under her long redshes at Stannard, who smiled innocently back at her. “I… see. Well, if the Ambassador has things well in hand, I can see about arranging our mounts. Does that suit you?”

 “Of course.”

 With an agreeable head-nod she turned and headed off.

 “She seems nice. But her name… is it gnomish?” I mumbled sotto-voce to Joseph.

 “Yes. She was born in Kinshasa, actually. Though she grew based on a human adventurer.” Joseph rolled his shoulders and sighed, “Ah, I missed the feeling of the sun on my skin.”

 “Ah, is that why the – everything.” I gestured at his attire.

 “Yes. It helps with photosynthesis.”

 Indeed, most of the elves around were in varying states of undress. It looked pretty good on the human and beastfolk elves, but on the various red-bearded dwarf-shaped elves it made for a serious case of cultural whish.

 “Hrm. Well, Ambassador, what’s first on the agenda?” I’d pay Joseph back for the blinding thingter; work came first. I did intend to take my job as Brew Ambassador seriously.

 “Well, Ambassador, I think we should take a look at the city first.” He replied, and gestured around us. “How much do you know about Tree?”

 I held my breath to keep from screaming and toed over to the edge of the tform to peer around the city below us. While the teleportation tform was on one of the taller redwoods in the area, it wasn’t the tallest tree; there were a few giants arrayed around the glowing trunk of the ethereal world tree. Several of which had a good unobstructed view of the tform, and were bristling with guards and siege weaponry. ????Ｎò??ê?

 The surroundings were… odd to say the least. My short time spent studying hadn’t quite prepared me for what I was seeing. Part of that was my own prejudices; I’d been hoping for something along the lines of Lothlorien – a grand forest with buildings in the trees. Something like the elven embassies, but at scale.

 Instead, it was a hodgepodge of different trees and nts. On one hand, there were a few copses of redwoods littered about, with huts and buildings running around and through them. Those looked exactly like what I’d imagined. But then off to the right there was a field of enormous yellow pumpkins with doors and windows. And then a field of giant mushrooms with huts on top. Different building styles? The pumpkins were the elven version of brutalist architecture while the tree houses were more like Bauhaus? Get it? Bough-house/Bauhaus! That pun had some style! Oho, I was building up a serious pun streak here!

 Aaaa-nyways, what roads I could see were… different. Dwarven city nning favoured straight lines and numbered streets. Tree’s streets meandered, and favoured systems of rings. It looked like a nightmare to navigate, but then again I was from BC, and our rtionship with roundabouts was fraught at best.

 My high Perception let me see quite a bit of detail at this height, right down to the faces on the people below. The poption was primarily elvish, of course, but there were a surprising number of humans and beastfolk walking around. And a lot more ck and brown skinned southerners than I was used to seeing, even some ck skinned humans!

 The beastfolk looked strange. Like a cross between an elk and a jaguar. They had the muzzle and nose of a cat, with the shaggy cheeks, horns, and brow of a deer. Their body was furred, with spots. They were roughly the same height and build as the average elf, lithe and aquiline, though their horns lent them some extra height and menace.

 And unlike underground, they were everywhere. I put the ratio at roughly 70% elf, 15% beastfolk, 10% human, and 5% gnome/dwarf mix.

 And then there was the elephant in the room.

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 I pointed at the illusory tree. “I did nae get to spend too much time readin’ about tha city before I arrived, but I did do my homework. The city is built into districts, much like Kinshasa. There’s The Trunk, The Boughs, The Roots, The Canopy, and The Outskirts. I thought it was just a naming sense, since the city is called Tree. But by Archis’s Apples, how did somethin’ like that not get mentioned in my books!?”

 Joseph smiled. “Good question! Any written ount or memory of the [Mother Tree] fades over time, and when you leave its sight you slowly forget it exists. It’s a very powerful Ability.”

 “That’s an Ability!?” I gawped. “That’s insane!”

 “Hah! Says the dwarf with the personal dungeon! But yes, it''s a highly evolved Ability. You’ll learn moreter, I suspect. But I don’t think it’ll surprise you that it''s an Ability that’s been enhanced by a Worldstone.”

 I nodded, staring at the tree in question, still not believing my eyes. Seriously, it was hard to understate how huge the tree was. I briefly wondered if my [Unbending] Ability would prevent the tree from being wiped from my memory.

 “Whose ability?” I asked. “And what does it do!?”

 “Ah, now that is a state secret.” Joseph said. “Berry, my dear! All better?”

 Berry came and joined us, rubbing her eyes and squinting at the tree. “Jo! That tree’s gigantic!”

 I chuckled, barely managing to avoid saying That’s What She Said. Berry must’ve sensed it, as she shot me a re.

 “It is. I was just talking to Pete about it,” Joseph said, brightly. “Would you like to see it up close?”

 “Of course!” We both eximed.

 “Can you make out the buildings at the base of the [Mother Tree]?” He pointed down and into the distance. I raised my hand to block the re and stared. I could just make out a series of white blobs encircling the bottom of the trunk.

 “I’m guessing that’s Trunk? Are those tha government buildings?”

 “Nothing so egalitarian I’m afraid. That’s the pce, and where we headed first. We need to check Pete in with the guard, ay.”

 “The pce? It’s huge!” Berry eximed.

 “It has to be. The King of Awemedinand is a title that changes hands quite often, so the extended royal family is quiterge. The pce contains nearly a dozen one-time-or-otha living kings and their families.”

 “I noticed that. Tha books I read mentioned a dozen kings over the past century. I would‘ve thought elves lived longer than that…” I raised a questioning eyebrow.

 “Yes, well, the way we choose our King is rather unique. And opaque to anyone not part of the elvish royal family. You’ll doubtless learn more during your stay here. Now, our ride is here, so if you would…”

 He drew our attention back to the teleportation circle, where Lady Laurelstone was instructing team Brightstar on how to load luggage onto our mounts. And what mounts! Snapping their beaks and looking bored while everyone fussed over their saddlebags were a couple dozen feathered dragons!

 “Ach are those tha’ famed Kododos?” I asked, moving over to fawn over them. They really were cute; the body of a scaled up komodo dragon with a feathered ruff, and the hooked beak of a bird with a dopey look that reminded me of a confused chicken. Their four limbs were strong and muscr, and tipped with ws for climbing. As I watched, one of them reared back on its hind legs and pped its arms, revealing some rudimentary gliding feathers affixed to leathery ps – like a flying squirrel.

 “Indeed. Not as fast as horses or unigoats, and their ws are terrible on stone, but there’s no better mount for the forests of Awemedinand.” Joseph replied cheerfully.

 After a few short minutes we were all set up and ready to go. Though there was some grumbling.

 “Give me a unigoat any day. Too much beak fer me,” Balin grumbled. His mount hissed as it was jostled by another Kododo and the two began snapping at each other, their prehensile snake-like necks coiling and undting as they squawked and spat.

 “Bah,” Starshine echoed. Her heavy te had been too much for the lizard to carry, and she’d been forced to shuck it for the first time that I’d ever seen. She was still wearing her gambeson and some leathers, and she had her all-important armoured socks, but she looked ufortable.

 “Why are we bein’ strapped in, eh? I know how to ride a mount.” Raysdottermented as her assisting elf cinched a seatbelt around her waist.

 “It’s for your own protection, [Priest]. We don’t want any first-timers falling off during the glide down.” Lady Laurelstone steered her Kododo to the front. “Is everyone saddled up? Follow me please! You’re about to experience one of the wonders of Tree!”

 So we followed. But not in the direction of the lift.

 “Uh…” Balin began, as his Kododo came alongside ours. “She said glides. Where’re we goin’?”

 “Where do you think?” Josephughed.

 I stared nervously as we approached the edge of the tform. I’d just been thinking that a glide would be interesting, but my inner dwarf was screaming. “Can’t we just take the elevator?”

 Given that the magic circle was primarily a way of moving goods, there was an impressivelyrge magic elevator on one side of the tform. But we were headed in the opposite direction.

 “It only runs on the hour. And besides, where''s the experience in an elevator? Surely you’ve seen greater engineering marvels in Crack. A glide from one of the tallest trees in Awemedinand is something everyone should do once!”

 “What about them?” I pointed to several of the [Healers] who were jogging alongside us. They didn’t have mounts.

 “They don’t want to wait for the elevator either. They have their personal bys.” He pointed at a wire harness and spool attached to a harness on a few of the [Healers]. “And they’re done with work for the day.”

 I checked my seat belt. “Is it safe?”

 “Don’t worry, the Kododo’s are quite well trained. Surely the brave dwarves of Crack aren’t afraid of a little glide? You can always just close your eyes.”

 “Hah! The only thing we fear is shavin’ our beard!” Balin said, though his voice shook.

 Lady Laurelstone shouted something in elvish, which my trantion Ability read as ‘Hyah!’ and the Kododos began to pick up speed. As the railing approached faster and faster and the wind began to whip through my hair I asked onest question. I had to shout to be heard over the whistling wind.

 “BUT, SOME OF THE [HEALERS] DON’T HAVE HARNESSES!”

 Then our Kododos leapt into the air and spread their arms to soar out into empty space.

 I shouted a “Yahahoooey!” as the wind caught my Kododo’s wings and we arced out over the city. The city stretched out beneath us and the terrifying feeling of vertigo was quickly reced with simple middle-schooler glee at the feeling of flight. I held my arms out and screamed, “I’m FLYING, JACK!”

 The rest of the little grumble of dwarves variously shut their eyes, hollered, or fainted dead away to hang from their seatbelts.

 And fully half of the [Healers] plungedughing and cheering to crater into the ground much too far below.

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Book 4: Chapter 15: Elves are Officially Insane